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 Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:03 am
Ok, so all on the kinda same subject, but this is a rant.. I think..
Three subjects, I'll list them so you can choose which one you want to read, also so I can remember what I am posting. >_<
Ok, the three topics:
1. My mother.
2. Do I mother my boyfriend?
3. Scared to become a mother.
Ok, so first topic:
My mother.
Well when I was having trouble with the rest of my family, she was a real saint to me. She supported me with what I wanted to do, even if she didn't agree with it. And then eventually I moved in with her.
She moved around all of her life for me, supposedly. Now, I feel like I am more her slave than her daughter.
For starters, for the safety of my sister and me, we had to move from London. Darrell (my sister) wanted to live by the sea, which was great for me because my boyfriend lives on the coast. So, we ended up moving to the coast. My mum went for the first house we looked for, didn't look at the place properly, didn't work out how much it will cost etc. etc. Turns out now, we can't afford the rent and the roof is falling apart, but we have to be in this house for another four months for the minimum residency agreement.
Now she is blaming the move on me, and the money problems. She said that we only moved here to be closer to my boyfriend. Also saying that if I hadn't made her move out here, then she would still be in London with my sister. (Of which only an idiot would do when the people that are after us are IN London.)
Well anyway, now she is demanding money off of me for "rent"; food money for HER. As well as the fact that I have to pay to support myself foodwise and pay for everything I need for my disabilities. But, I don't have a job. At the moment I am living off of benifit money the government give me for being disbled, so I don't get much.
Last week, she took £50 from me (about $100). This week she wants more money. stressed
Ok, the slave part. Because I don't feel safe just being around my mother and my sister, with people after me, I go to my boyfriend's house so that I am around strong men.
Last night my mother rang me, told me to come home to look after my sister because she wanted to go to bed. Apparently he had worn her self out doing "the usual" that she does every day.
So now, I am sitting at home, watching my sister play on her dance mat.
Now, usually, I would have gladly come home. But it was things that my mum said on the phone to me that really upset me. Mainly because I am VERY easilly affected by emotional blackmail.
When I was about my sisters age (eight) I was cooking and ended up having scorcing/boiling water fall over me, since then, my skin is mega sensitive, plus I won't let my sister go near anything hot unless supervised. My mum knows this.
Things she said on the phone that she knew would MAKE me come home:
• "Darrell has been baking and making me teas and things while I have been in bed." *Panic attack*
• "Darrell wants to go out on her on because I can't take her out. She keeps trying to leave the house"
• "I can't look after Darrell, for all I know, she is playing with you swords and knives." *Mega f***ing panic attack*
Then just to guilt me into coming home:
• "If I don't get my bed rest, I am not going to be able to sleep for a month and I will be really ill"
She does this almost everytime I go to my boyfriend's. And I only go at the weekend.
I have a very bad heart condition, last night I had a BAD episode with it, if it had of carried on I would have been in hospital right now. And yet, just so she won't threaten to kick me out and disown me like the rest of my family, I do her cleaning, I make her food, I look after my little sister, I take her on six hour drives to somewhere 200 miles away so she can see friends that I don't even get along with, I promote her crappy buisness for her, I do her shopping and sometimes even help wash her *Shudders*. I am fed up of it.
Thing is, my mother and my sister are the only family I have left that will talk to me regardless of my sexuality and one particular fetish I have.
I have a very bad heart condition, last night I had a BAD episode with it, if it had of carried on I would have been in hospital right now and probably on the operating table. And yet, just so she won't threaten to kick me out and disown me like the rest of my family I do what she wants me to.
I feel like I need to keep hold of them..
Sometimes I wish that blood relatives didn't mean so much to me.
Because they all treat me like crap.
[/rant]
Second topic.
Do I mother my boyfriend?
Now this is something my mother brought to my attention. (She likes to pick holes in all my relationships, just because they are so great and she chooses assholes.)
Apparently I mother my boyfriend.
Now I can understand if I do, and I don't mind if I do. But is it good for our relationship?
The only things I can think of for the fact that it may appear I mother him is because: (Here come the bullet points again. >_<)
• I defend him if ANYONE speaks the tiniest bad of him.
• I love making him food and drinks, and let him relax while I do so.
• We are not allowed to share a bed, so before I go to bed, I make sure to get him to sleep first and make sure he is ok. Sometimes staying up till 5am or later.
• I love to buy him things whenever I can afford it.
• If he has a problem he can't handle, I sort it out for him. (It doesn't happen often though)
• If he gets upset or angry, then I am always the first one to calm him down.
When he was five, his mother neglected him, putting him into foster homes an even trying to put him up for adoption. Thankfully his dad seperated from his mother and took him back.
So I understand if he will look to me for the kind of motherly support; I am the only close female person to him. I accept that. And like it a bit.
I am really fed up of my mother talking bad about him and telling me what we should do in our relationship. Thing is, she has no right to tell me. She has just gone through a second divorce with another a** of a husband!
So girls, do you think I "mother" my boyfriend?
Third topic.
Scared to become a mother.
Now I am not scared for reasons like "Will I be a good mum?" or "Can I take the pain/uncomfortableness(sp?) of pregnancy and child birth?"
It's because I am scared to let the father touch them...
Basic story, I may have mentioned before.
When I was three I was raped by my father, and of course, I have never been "right" or "normal" because of it.
I have always remembered it, and more so recently as I have been trying to find the complete route cause of my depression.
Now, I am a complete *blank* (can't think of a word) for leaving men alone with children. I know I am being OTT with it, but I can't help it.
If I am in a room with a child and a man and I am called somewhere else, I won't leave, not until there is either another person in there with them or until the man or the child leaves.
Now to the part of if I have my own children.
I know that my husband is the person that I should trust always and be ok to leave him with children, but I don't think I will be able to do that.
I trust my boyfriend completly, and believe he will be the one that I marry. But I have this deep feeling that as soon as I have a child, I will become suspicious of him. And I feel terrible for thinking that!
I myself cannot be around men at all anymore, apart from those that know what has happened to me.
So I need advice on this.. I think.
I need reasurance that all my thinking on this is stupid.
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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:56 am
Okay, so...
YOUR MOTHER
I don't really know what to say about this. It's great that she was nice to you when the rest of your family wasn't, but her treating you the way she is now just isn't right. Don't think I can be of much help here.
MOTHERING YOUR BOYFRIEND
I was under the impression that all girls mothered their boyfriends to some extent. I don't really think it's a bad thing, it just means you care about him.
SCARED TO BECOME A MOTHER
Well, I think that if you are comfortable enough and have enough trust to have kids with your husband, then you'll probably be comfortable with him touching your children. And if you still aren't sure, then you would probably need to talk to your husband and explain your feelings and why you felt that way before you have kids.
Yeah, I'm not of much help. I tried, though. sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 10:05 am
Xx__RAWRG03SM3 Okay, so...
YOUR MOTHER
I don't really know what to say about this. It's great that she was nice to you when the rest of your family wasn't, but her treating you the way she is now just isn't right. Don't think I can be of much help here.
MOTHERING YOUR BOYFRIEND
I was under the impression that all girls mothered their boyfriends to some extent. I don't really think it's a bad thing, it just means you care about him.
SCARED TO BECOME A MOTHER
Well, I think that if you are comfortable enough and have enough trust to have kids with your husband, then you'll probably be comfortable with him touching your children. And if you still aren't sure, then you would probably need to talk to your husband and explain your feelings and why you felt that way before you have kids.
Yeah, I'm not of much help. I tried, though. sweatdrop
Actually, that helps alot.
Knowing I am not the only one that mothers my boyfriend is coolish, I guess. But really, I love doing it.
And for the becoming a mother part, I am sure you are right. It is something that I have to work/sort out.
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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 10:20 am
YOUR MOTHER:
is way out of line. You really need to stop giving into her demands, you know? Like if she wants money, just... say no. And refuse to give it to her. Give everything to your boyfriend to keep it safe if you have to. If she pulls the "well I won't have food for your sister" then say, "Fine, then I will buy it for my sister. But I will not support you. That is not my job." It's not your job. She's making you feel guilty for things that are outside of your control. Your mother doesn't sound like a very good parent, but she might shape up if she knew you weren't around. Have you looked into moving in with your boyfriend? After all, your mother was fine before you guys moved... so she can suck it up and step up after you're gone.
YOUR BOYFRIEND:
swell, listen to the 'fantastic mother' for advice in relationships. If this works for your relationship, than it doesn't matter what she thinks. It sounds to me like she is trying to put something between your and your boyfriend so she can have you to herself. Most girls do tend to "mother" their boyfriends a little. There's nothing wrong with that. I guarantee most of them don't even consider it "mothering", but see it as normal. I don't really see anything wrong with the points you listed, myself.
SCARED TO BE A MOMMY:
I think you have a lot of anxiety right now and this might be something you're focussing on to forget the other things. But, once you have a baby, it will give you a lot of comfort to see how much your husband/boyfriend loves the child, too. Before you have a child, you should have a long talk with your significant other, explaining what happened and the problems you have now because of it. If it gets to the point where it is a problem, then you can always attend therapy or counseling to get help with it. It's not stupid, it's a natural reaction, and you can learn to overcome it.
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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:07 am
Sailor_Chibi
YOUR MOTHER:
is way out of line. You really need to stop giving into her demands, you know? Like if she wants money, just... say no. And refuse to give it to her. Give everything to your boyfriend to keep it safe if you have to. If she pulls the "well I won't have food for your sister" then say, "Fine, then I will buy it for my sister. But I will not support you. That is not my job." It's not your job. She's making you feel guilty for things that are outside of your control. Your mother doesn't sound like a very good parent, but she might shape up if she knew you weren't around. Have you looked into moving in with your boyfriend? After all, your mother was fine before you guys moved... so she can suck it up and step up after you're gone.
YOUR BOYFRIEND:
swell, listen to the 'fantastic mother' for advice in relationships. If this works for your relationship, than it doesn't matter what she thinks. It sounds to me like she is trying to put something between your and your boyfriend so she can have you to herself. Most girls do tend to "mother" their boyfriends a little. There's nothing wrong with that. I guarantee most of them don't even consider it "mothering", but see it as normal. I don't really see anything wrong with the points you listed, myself.
SCARED TO BE A MOMMY:
I think you have a lot of anxiety right now and this might be something you're focussing on to forget the other things. But, once you have a baby, it will give you a lot of comfort to see how much your husband/boyfriend loves the child, too. Before you have a child, you should have a long talk with your significant other, explaining what happened and the problems you have now because of it. If it gets to the point where it is a problem, then you can always attend therapy or counseling to get help with it. It's not stupid, it's a natural reaction, and you can learn to overcome it.
Thanks Chibi-Chan.
In four months my mother wants to move again anyway, so I am thinking/planning on moving in with my boyfriend.
I wouldn't be supprised if she was trying to put something in between my boyfriend and me. She done it with my last boyfriend. But that won't happen this time.
"I think you have a lot of anxiety right now and this might be something you're focussing on to forget the other things." That does make ALOT of sense. And I suppose if I stop focusing on that I can sort out other problems?Hi Nathan typing if you know my real name. Love the way you think good on ya.. with the moving in here and "fantastic mother" LOL! and boo.i guess.. stacey assked if i had anything else to say thats all i could think of.
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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 5:54 pm
Your mother:
I really don't know what to say to this.
Except, I can kind of relate. Except my mom doesn't do it to the extreme that your mom does.
She says she's the one who raised me and bought my uniform for school and feeds me and puts a roof over my head, so I should stay home more.
And she has a tendancy to play favourites with her abusive drunk boyfriend.
Mothering Your Boyfriend:
I think that is quite normal. I wouldn't worry about it.
Especially if his mother neglected him, maybe it makes you want to look after him more?
Scared To Be A Mother:
I completely agree with what Chibi said.
3nodding Listen to her, for she is the almightly advice giver.
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Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 4:46 am
I say if you are that terrified of being pregnant, etc. you can always adopt. Because the foster system isn't a good place for a kiddie.
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Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:23 pm
[.Volatile.] I say if you are that terrified of being pregnant, etc. you can always adopt. Because the foster system isn't a good place for a kiddie.
The problem is, I don't think it's a problem with being pregnant. I think she's more scared of what happens afterwards, which she will still have to deal with no matter how she gets the child, whether it's through adoption or otherwise.
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