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Here is a story that I wrote
We do not know how Riveka came to us, all we know is that she didn't know where she came from or where she was going. We took her in and fed her and gave her a shelter. She spent the next year with us, learning like a regular teenage girl. She and I spent all our time together. When I wasn't working at Monty's or working on home work. We would talk, and listen to each other and laugh. After our first four months together I realized my true feeling towards Riveka. Id didn't tell her because I was afraid it might ruin our relationship. So I kept my love for her quiet. Six more months passed and my love for her became unbearable. I needed to tell her but., I couldn't. Then came The Night, the night that changed my afterlife for ever. It was about seven o'clock in the evening, and I was enjoying a nice Sunday night dinner with my family. When we were all done eating I went to my room to finish up an assignment that was due the next day. About and hour later the wind began to bang my shutter against my windows. It started to thunder and there was lightning that lit up the whole sky. I went downstairs to find Riveka. But, she wasn't anywhere to be found in the house. I then remembered how she would walk around the town every night. Oh no I thought, she is out in th storm. I forced the door open for the wind was so strong that I have trouble opening it. I walked along the sidewalk trying not to be blown over. Then the biggest gust of wind I had ever experienced in my life blew be into the air. I grabbed a tree for dear life its self. Over the roars of the lions called wind I head a voice, that burned my mind and pierced my heart. The voice said: Tear away this tiny town, houses trees and people, then take me back below the ground, where I can live in solitude.
I knew that voice, it was Riveka's. Still holing on to the tree I wept. I was unsure if it was my imagination or real but I the words were harsh and the thought that Riveka was stuck somewhere in the storm made me even more upset. I heard a crack and saw the branch I was holing onto rip off. I was flung into the air, thrust among the clouds. Before I was swept away for good I looked down to see what was left of my town. The answer was simple, nothing. In the middle of the park however there was a person. Standing firm to the ground. "Please, help me!" I screamed. The person turned their head. It was Riveka, she was smiling with two glowing, red horns on the sides of her head.

You really need to read this again. You have to go through because I found countless errors. Some of your sentences are also really redundant. I'm not going to check it for you because most of the errors are really simple and you should be able to fix them on your own. You also rush through the story a little bit. The plot of it is good, but the end is really confusing.....