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Everyone knows about the legend of Sparda, about how he took on the demon god Mundus and the Underworld alone. Nobody thought it was real because it's not in our history books. It wasn't possible for a demon to fight with humans in a battle would decide who would control the human world.

Oh how wrong I was. I found out that it actually happened and that Sparda actually existed. I knew because I met one of the sons of Sparda.

When I was hired as his partner, I thought he was an arrogant, cocky guy who liked rock music and hot chicks, had parties every night and had overdue bills stacked to the ceiling.

It wasn't until the fateful night that I learned the truth. I found myself looking up, but the sky was dark, and clouds of crimson barely covered the moon, the strange coloring coming from the moon itself, and I knew this wasn't right. It was here when I followed him into a church, but to my surprise, it had a demon underground -- it was like something out of a bad horror film, or a bad dream. I could sense the anger of the demon sealed there, and the overwhelming stench of blood coming out of the hole made me pass out. I began to fall forwards, as if something pulled me deeper and deeper in the hole...

I promised you a full crit, and thus, a full crit is what I will give. Before I begin with the crit, however, there are a few things that must be made crystal-clear before moving on.

The Resident Wordsmith's Critique Process

-Read the piece to be critiqued once, picking out what works and what doesn't in a basic manner.
-Read it again, this time picking it apart carefully, analyzing just why some stuff worked and other stuff didn't.
-Write out all my findings.
-Rinse and repeat the reading-and-writing steps as often as needed to address all issues in the piece.

This process can take anywhere from half an hour to two, three, even four hours -- sometimes more -- depending on the length of the piece to be picked apart and the level of critique. Why am I mentioning this? Because a critique is different from a flame. A flame takes less than five minutes to write and is completely and utterly thoughtless. Flames should never be taken into consideration, while a critique is a concerted effort to help someone improve their writing. It may be long, but that's because it takes awhile time to do properly. A proper critique requires a certain length of time, in proportion with the effort poured into it.

I will not pay any heed to complaints of how long my critique is. Why? Because it takes just as much goddamn effort as creative writing in general. Read it in sections, bit by bit, if you have to.

With that out of the way, onward to this fabled critique!

First Post

First off, in your initial post I'd recommend deciding how you want to write it. You establish Rina's voice, in first-person, as being one more of modern-day slang, yet in the final paragraph you swap language range into one with imagery you'd expect of a classic horror writer. Decide how Rina speaks, then stick to it. You're writing from her direct viewpoint, not yours, in that first post.

On that note, imagery like that "overdue bills stacked to the ceiling" is appropriate, as it shows Rina's perception of Dante. Just take care when you're choosing how you write. It's possible to have very solid and rich writing even if it's steeped in modern expressions, but if you mix that up with a more dramatic, flowery voice, you're bound to turn off readers in a flash.



These are run-on sentences, and the first is awkwardly phrased. Rina found herself looking up? That implies that she had a moment of confusion or disorientation, and when she came to, she was looking skyward. There is no indication of disorientation here. Your description is running all over the place; I can't tell what's the focus of each sentence, nor why it's so important to point those details out. You're telling us very little, and showing us even less.

Also, why would you say "I found myself looking up, but the sky was dark[...]"? You're not making a comparison (which "but" implies); you're following up, adding detail to what Rina's seeing in the sky at that time. I'd recommend even starting a whole new sentence. Either that, or form a complex sentence with a semicolon to replace "but".



Redundant wording. Beware of this, as it weighs down your prose and, again, is a turnoff for readers. It's okay to use the same word more than once, but try to keep it to a minimum, and especially not in the same sentence or paragraph.



Wait, hold on, what? How did Rina find out there was a demon underground? Isn't she, like, above ground when she gets to the church? This is where you want to do a lot less telling and a lot more showing. Show us what the church looks like. Don't just tell us, "Oh, by the way, there's a demon underground," but show us where it is, how it connects to the church, and so on.

"Here" is a vague word, especially when there is no locale specified or described beforehand. Avoid it, moreso since you're writing in the past tense. You're referring to events that have "already happened", so to speak, in the story's timeline, and so you're referring to places that you/the characters have been to previously. "Here" implies where someone is right now, in the present moment. "There" would be preferable when writing with the past tense, if you have to use it at all.



Quit telling us what's happening. Show us. What does the demon's anger feel like? I know what my anger feels like, but what makes this demonic anger so special that it immediately leaps to Rina's senses?



Total Mary Sue moment. Rina is a demon hunter, and half-angelic to boot! Wouldn't she be used to the scent and sight of blood by now? I know you're trying to show just how strong the smell is, but that's really not the best way to do it. Show us how it affects Rina, yes, that part at least is good, but keep it within reason. Is Rina a seasoned demon hunter, or is she nothing but a faint-of-heart human woman? I think we both know the answer, but you need to stay true to it.



"Forwards" doesn't exist in the dictionary. "Forward", on the other hand, does. Same goes for backward, upward, downward, etc.

Second post

Another Mary Sue moment. She's a demon slayer, right? She should be hardened, or at least be able to cope with something as simple as the smell of blood. Always keep who and what she is in mind when describing her reactions. Yes, she has her shortcomings and faults (we all do!), but it doesn't make her into a weakling.



Wasn't it already established that there was a demon beneath the church? It would only be logical for both the readers and Rina to assume that the demon had something to do with why she's down there now.



Where is this debris coming from? Which room is this? You've just succeeded in completely disorienting me in your first paragraph of that post. I know it's in a church (or maybe beneath it, since the demon's underground and all), but you've not given me any indication that the church was in ill repair, or that anything caved in.



Once again, repetitive wording. The verbs "to say" and "to speak" have their uses, but they convey absolutely nothing on their own. They convey no tone, no subtlety, no emotion, and as such should be avoided when you're trying to build tension -- which you should be doing in this scene. Have a dictionary and thesaurus near you when writing if you have to (trust me, they help immensely!), but broaden your vocabulary in that respect. The point of writing is to communicate, and for communication to be efficient, you must retain your audience's attention as thoroughly and as long as possible. Redundant wording is by far the easiest way to lose that attention.

Another way to broaden your word choice is to read books, especially novels, and pay close attention to how the author chooses words deliberately to achieve a specific effect. This is something that's helped me out immensely. I'm always on the lookout for how authors keep their prose fresh and interesting. It's a great source of inspiration, among other things.



I understand what you mean by a dark tone -- or I think I do. My conception of "dark" in terms of voice, however, may be entirely different from yours. This is why it is fundamental to writers to show, and not tell. Right now, you're telling me the voice is dark, and that doesn't give me much to work with. How is it dark? What makes it "dark" and not "creepy" or "cold", or any other adjective you can think of? Show us that, and we, as readers, will be much more satisfied, and much more interested in your story.



Why would she be surprised that Dante has a brother? Also, refrain from using double punctuation. It is grammatically incorrect, and doesn't add anything to your writing.



"Spoke" is superfluous here. The fact that this is followed by quotation marks implies that Dante speaks up again. There is no need to repeat it.



Should be, "Really now? Maybe[...]"



The period needs to be swapped out for a comma, and "the" shouldn't be capitalized. This is grammar, not a literary technique.



Again with the repetition! "Then" is a word I would avoid when writing, unless it's to show progression or reasoning. Using it as much as you did bogs down your narrative and, once again, is a serious turn-off for readers. The way you use it is the same as if you'd be telling the story to someone orally, which is not necessarily appropriate when you put it in writing.



Nothing falls from "out of nowhere". "Out of nowhere" is more slang than anything else; it shouldn't be used in writing, and furthermore disorients the reader. Not good.



"Running like hell" is something that's perfectly acceptable to say while you're speaking among friends or family, in an informal setting. When writing, however, you want to stay away from expressions that reach this level of informal.



Same issue as above.

There is another thing I'd like to note. It's that the dialog sounds slightly forced, like the characters are speaking your words, and not theirs. It doesn't flow naturally, and doesn't entirely feel like it's something they'd say.

There were other points that I noted, but that will be for another time.