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 Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:35 pm
Hi ^^ I am writing this story to improve my writing, So I would appreciate any critics. I will report any flaming so beware! If you are going to critic a part of my story please pay attention to the rest of this paragraph, otherwise you may move onto the next paragraph. Alright I am going to assume if you are till reading this you are planning on being a critic, if you are going to do this please post it on this thread do not PM me! When you are criticing it please, post the ENTIRE post that you are criticing. If you are only criticing a few sentences please make those sentences a different colour. Then please re-write the paragraph with it's editations. ( My spelling is not the best, so please do not get mad, my spelling mixed with the sticky keys on my computer really make it hard sometimes, but I do my best to catch any mistakes)
This is a story about Love, death, and betrayal. About vampires and a nekos. Plz enjoy ^^
Also all the characters will have a colour when written in that colour it means it is from their point of view (first person). Please read this and the next post ( only if you are caught up with the story) often because I will add stuff (ex. this) and other characters will be added. I will not delete characters as they die but will just put the word dead beside their names then if you see their colour used again it may be being used for a newer character.
I am doing this to improve my RPing skills by working on sentence structure, grammar and spelling so any help in those areas would be GREATLY appreciated even if it is just a sentence you think would sound better if I edited something sightly!
Important:
1. Journal: my finished draft, it will not be updated as often
2. Guild Story: not yet edited, but often added to.
3. Character Profile: Edited as story goes, if character dies it will be posted up there, so please do not read it unless you are up to date on what is happening, it is there for anyone who forget what is happening and who has died and who is dating whom, this will show that.
4: Every time a character is introduced, it will show their profile with their first written part, this is to show what they are like then, the character may change so do not ruin you reading experience by reading the Character Profile after this post!
I will also be opening a talk about this story in the readers domain when it is open a link will be pasted here:
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:38 pm
Characters
Name:Melaray (me-la-rai)
Eye: Yellow, soft and unfocused
Hair: Black and long
Height: Medium
Body:Slim
Personality:trusts deeply, shy, faithful
Blood: Neko
Other: black and ears and tail
History: She was abused as a child by her father, and everytime she has
fallen in love she has been decieved, she is a princess of Atlaya so many
want to seduce her.
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Preferance: Bisexual(prefers woman now because of all the men in her life)
Weapons: A whip and a sword
Powers: (unknown still developing)
Color: Bold, BlackImage:  Name: Tearani
Eye: Purple
Hair: Short and White
Height: Short
Body: Slim
Personality: Tom boyish, Relaxed and playful, yet serious when a battle is begginning
Blood: Vampire
Other: Fangs, can grow bat wings
History: Melanie has had a harsh past, she saw the death of all three of her brothers and her parents, she is now trying to get revenge on the vampire hunter who killed them. Her name is Klaire.
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Preferance: Lesbian
Weapons: 2 daggers
Powers: She has the powers over ice
Color: Bold, BlueImage:  Name: Cascara (cas-kar-a)
Eye: Grey
Hair: White, Long
Height: Tall
Body: Extremely thin, looks like going to blow away.
Personality: Never talks, very internal, loves to read.
Blood: Elemental
Other: Always has a black cloak over her head, has swirls all over body fading away as they go out from her belly button.
History: N/A (unknown)
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Preferance: Bisexual
Weapons: none
Powers: over mist (water only in that form)
Colour: Bold CyanImage:  Name: Klaire
Eye: Brown, large
Hair: Blonde, long
Height: Medium
Body: thin, a lot of muscle, a little on the stocky side (because of muscle)
Personality: Fiercely Loyal, Believes Vampires are evil through and through.
Blood: Human/Neko
Other: has hearing like a cat and has reflexes like one, yet looks like a human
History: Her family was killed my Vampires and therefore she has hated vampires since, A vampire that she loved named Seth, also betrayed her and now she will forever hate them.
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Preferance: Bisexual
Weapons: 2 swords, Bow and arrow
Powers: Shadow magyck
Colour:Bold, VioletImage:  Name: Ballari (means: walking quietly)
Eye:Grey
Hair: Grey
Height: Very short
Body: stocky, little girl figure, a little slim
Personality: quietly calculating.
Blood: Dragon/ Vampire
Other: has dragon horns and dragon tail
History: Unknown
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Preferance: Lesbian
Weapons: None
Powers: Dragon Powers (hypnotizing with eyes, fire, other)
Color:Bold, Orange
Her Dragon: http://pictures.linkmesh.com/dragons/imagenes/white_dragon.jpg Image:  Name: Cecilia
Eye: Bright Red
Hair: Black ,to lower back
Height: Tall
Body: Slim but has substance to her
Personality: flirty, (rest revealed later)
Blood: Vampire
Other: She has fangs but no wings because of a deformity in her, she instead has (duh...hehe my brain is dead she has radar things bat has but the name escapes me if you know let me know, or if i remember me will edit this cause ya)
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Preferance: Bisexual
Weapons: 9 dagger hidden all over her body
Powers: Hypnotizes people with her eyes, guys must obey her
Colour: Bold, Brown 
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:39 pm
Name: Tearani
Eye: Purple
Hair: Short and White
Height: Short
Body: Slim
Personality: Tom boyish, Relaxed and playful, yet serious when a battle is begginning
Blood: Vampire
Other: Fangs, can grow bat wings
History: Melanie has had a harsh past, she saw the death of all three of her brothers and her parents, she is now trying to get revenge on the vampire hunter who killed them. Her name is Klaire.
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Preferance: Lesbian
Weapons: 2 daggers
Powers: She has the powers over ice
Color: Bold, BlueImage:
MANY YEARS PREVIOUS
I walked across the grass, I could hear it move beneath my feet. Like a bed it absorbed each step. I crept along, my wings slowly growing from my back. It was slightly painful, for I had only grown them a few times since I had gotten them. As soon as they were fully extended, I lept into the air and dived away from the woman standing in the clearing to my right. She had long white hair and ice blue eyes her ears were twitching slightly as if she were listening intently, there was no way she was human, I thought, She looked like one...but maybe....I wasn't sure but maybe she was one of the few surviving half breeds of the human/neko breed. I could see her ears were listening intently. My heart begged me to attack her but my mind knew it was not yet time. I flew into the sky, my wings were long and leathery, I was very proud of them for they looked grande and magnificent put the very little muscle in them disappointed me. I could feel them strain under my weight. "Klaire." I whispered fiercely under my breath. "I will find you again, Klaire, someday somewhere and I will KILL you." I vowed fiercely.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:43 pm
Name: Klaire
Eye: Brown, large
Hair: Blonde, long
Height: Medium
Body: thin, a lot of muscle, a little on the stocky side (because of muscle)
Personality: Fiercely Loyal, Believes Vampires are evil through and through.
Blood: Human/Neko
Other: has hearing like a cat and has reflexes like one, yet looks like a human
History: Her family was killed my Vampires and therefore she has hated vampires since, A vampire that she loved named Seth, also betrayed her and now she will forever hate them.
Gender: Female
Age: 20
Preferance: Bisexual
Weapons: 2 swords, Bow and arrow
Powers: Shadow magyck
Colour:Bold, VioletImage:
Several Years After
My shadows and I had been searching for Night school, to find it I had been following a young vampire girl. The night school was a school for vampires and my search had been to no avail. Following the girl for that many years has been strange, I have never taken so long to stalk my prey, Usually I quick kill is more my taste, But she is a slippery one, and to watch her is to learn her ways. For now I will continue to stay hidden until the time to attack is here. But I sense that It is a long way off.
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Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:18 pm
Present I playfully stroked the girls hair, it was more entertaining than I thought it would be, other than the fact that it was soft and glossy, she cringed every time I touched her. I could feel her heart beat loudly in my ears, the sound brought saliva from my mouth. My grip on her hands grew stronger and stronger as she fought me. My other hand moved along her ivory skin, feeling the pulse beneath it quicken. It taunted me, I could feel my fangs growing in my mouth, and I slowly moved my tongue along her neck, feeling the movement of blood beneath it. And ever so slowly pushed my teeth into her neck. The rush of blood into me made me groan in delight. How pleasant it was, how utterly delicious. I held her tightly, until I could feel life in her dimming. I quickly pulled my fangs from her neck and tossed her to the ground. To kill a creature by biting them was forbidden, and I already had enough problems, I didn't need the guild of Vampires after me.
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Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:33 pm
I moved farther away after dropping her, and grew my wings. they grew much faster than they used to and were twice as big as when I'd first grown them, I could feel the muscles coursing through them. I knew my muscles were much more powerful then most vampires since I spent most of my life flying, trying to find the Night School. I watched them fondly as they grew, as soon as they were full, I stretched them out and caught a little air under my wings. Then I flew, my bones had filled out and had grown lighter than most vampires, I didn't know why, but it helped, so I never thought about it. I watched the sky, and glared at the stars, they could fly so high and watch us all with a cold intelligence, I wished I could see as far as they did and find the prey that so alluded me, I clenched my fists and tensed angrily. I flapped my wings hard and they sent me flying forward in the air, I flapped them continuousley knowing that speed was important. If I found the Night School, I would find the book I needed so dearly, I would steal it and then I would find my prey. As I thought about her my fangs extended. I will sink my fangs into her neck, and will not leave her until there is not a drop of blood left in her I thought excitedly. And as i thought this I stared forward, and in the distance I saw what had taken me three years to find. The Night School, The school of vampires.
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Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:51 pm
I watched her closely as she attacked the girl and shivered in disgust. Vampires are unimaginably disgusting I thought. I watched her stare at the sky for a moment as her wings grew, I must admit I was slightly inpressed with the way her wings had filled out and the muscle that bulged within. I dashed out of the brambles as soon as she had taken to the sky and swung myself up into the trees, she never flew very high, which made her much easier to follow, I jumped from tree to tree quickly, and hissed with impatientance, tommorrow if we did not reach the School of Vampires I knew I would not be able to restrict myself, when she ate tommorrow. I looked up at her fiercly, You better get to it tommorrow I thought tersely or you're dead!
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Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 8:56 pm
I had watched her sleep that night in the very top of a pine tree. How easy it would be, I thought, to kill her. I crept near until I was only a few meters away and crouched down, This was my first break in days, for vampires rarely slept, I would have fallen behind by now if Nekos had to sleep every night. Neko's only slept in the winter, they brought their bear companion food through out the winter if they ran out, and the bear protected them from the cold. Every winter than had fallen during her search I had been forced to stay behind and hunt her down again, The leaves were already beggining to change, I watched them worriedly from where I crouched. I looked back at her and waited there, awaiting the sun. As soon as the sun drifted over the horizon she was up and stretching her wings. She watched them proudly and I grinned. It would be my pleasure, I thought, to rip them off of her. I shifted my stance, my body sore from the cold night, but as I shifted the branch creaked and I looked up horrified and deeply glad that I had put my hood over my hair. My hair was my curse it was a light honey blonde and this was extremely hard to hide. I knew she had heard me because she whirled around glancing around, no fear alight in her eye only deep agression and fury. I couldn't wait to see the fear in her eyes as I struck her down, All the self-discipline I had built up over the years barely held me back from attacking her, only the knowledge that last night she had spotted the Night School kept me from her. Slowly she looked away and climbed into the tree until she was at it's peak, then she unfurled her disgusting wings and set off toward the school, she was flying higher than usual, but still not high enough to hide from my cat-like eyes.
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Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 8:58 pm
I awoke the next day when the warmth of the sunlight touched my skin. I stretched my wings proudly and watched their marvelous beauty. Suddenly the sound of a creaking branch floated to my ears and I whirled around ready for a battle my wings stretched and large my fangs bared, I was usually fun-loving and I remembered the days when I used to frolick in the fields, but now...it was much to dangerous to do such a thing. I hissed menacingly, I was not scared only desperate to prove to myself that I could defeat anything that came my way, and extremely angry at whoever had snuck up on me. I stayed that way for a few moments but when nothing came out I dismissed it as some sort of animal, I quickly furled my wings and climbed to the top of the tree, I set off from there flying higher than usual, I liked t stay near the ground as to see any enemies that lie there, and escape the enemies of the air, but this time I thought angrily it might be safer to retreat to the air. Within hours I was at the gates of Night School, and was hiding in the bushes awaiting someone. I awaited the arrival of another vampire, who for the gates would open allowing both them and me in. The intelligence of the plan made me shiver in pride. I shook my wings and slowly sank them back into my back so that they would not accidentaly snag on a branch and tear. they may be strong but the skin was still delicate and it would be foolish of me to forget that.
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Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:34 pm
I stayed behind the girl and snickered at the plan, a prideful smile played at her lips and I rolled my eyes at her stupidity, it wouldn't be that easy to break into Night School, she would either be thrown out or taken to the headmaster. I hoped she would be thrown out that would teach her. The other reason I wished for her to be thrown out is that she would have to find another way into the school, and by doing that she would reveil the place to me and eventually my breatheren, I would kill that girl and everyone in the school, and then, well then me and the others would make this a school of not vampires but of the resistance, the resistance would stand against the vampires until they were etinguished from the world. I purred at the thought. Suddenly I was snapped back to the present when the vampire in front of me shifted, and then leaped out and hid closer to the school, My ears strained to hear what was coming around the bend, the trotting horses were easy to hear, but there was something else, something that made me shiver in fear, I could smell it, the smell brought me back to the ancient times, but somehow the smell brought no picture. I strained my ears and nose, attempting to understand, but I knew it was futile, I would have to wait and see what was coming. The ground began to shake, and for a few seconds I wondered who was so important as to have such a large cavalry, but my attention was soon drawn back to what was coming around the corner. The trotting horses came around and I looked around puzzled, where was what I had smelled? Then suddenly it came down from the sky. I pulled back terrified, my tail bristling, I quickly pulled back deep into the forest, and lay down, I peered through the bottom of trees so that I could see what was going on, but hoping desperately that the dragon would not see me.
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Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 1:08 pm
I stayed in the trees for so long that the heat began to numb me, and my eyes drooped. Suddenly I heard the vibrations of something beating the air. I almost grinned in pride, my ears are sensed for that kind of use,so I knew i would sense it before anyone else, I glanced at the five guards who lay there dazed by the sun. Suddenly the wing beats got closer, there are few beasts that are that powerful, and I cringed at the harsh sound. Suddenly fear flashed through me, I knew those wing beats, but I had only heard of them told in legends, I quickly dashed forward curious to see the creature, but I also felt the overpowering urge to flee, I saw something...or someone move behind me but I was so caught up in the vibrations and the fear, that I paid it no attention. I ran to a rock closer to the path but it had a large overhang where anything flying would not see me. Then I waited patiently, Suddenly a herd of riders came around the bend, their appearance shocked me since I had not been paying attention, Then came the great beast. It was smaller than I had anticipated considering the vibrations it was sending out but It was still more than twice the size of me. It's great head was elegantly shaped and it's body was hard with scales. Atop it rode a proud and powerful girl. Her face was like stone, ridged and severe. They made a great pair, I thought, The vampire child and her Dragon.
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Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 1:09 pm
http://pictures.linkmesh.com/dragons/imagenes/white_dragon.jpg(Here is a link to the Dragon, I will put it on the Character Profile, so that later if you wanna refreshment you don't gotta remember where it is , but when ur reading you don't gotta go to the front page this will pertain to any character I introduce, you can refresh on the first page but it will show their profile when they are introduced.)
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Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 8:18 am
I am quitting this guild, I have grown and it is time for me to leave, If you like my story and wish to continue reading it, please continue reading it on my journal, which will be caught up today.
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