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that's really sad. sad

I've really been feeling like that too with the whole outcast, not real me, third wheel. I think it's something everyone goes through. Death is a real hard thing t deal with, but its also a natural thing.

and i really don't think your granpa is disappointed in you. My aunt died from cancer early this year, and I broke down crying in camp because i thought the same thing since when we saw her a month before she died seh was so fragile looking and i was scared to touch her, hug her, talk to her, i just started crying. and before her funeral we met at her house and it was like she was their disappointed in me, and i cryed so much i almost fainted and couldn't walk.

but my councelor told me this, she (my aunt) wouldn't be disappointed because she loved me. it's a hard but vital part of the greiving process o feel like you could have done more. well what im trying to say is, I really think thats the same for you. Maybe those dreams are trying to tell you something else? sometimes dreams mean other things....

If you need someone to talk to, you cn talk to me too. I myself like to think that death can't be a bad thing, since it's as natural as life.

That can be a hard thing to deal with. sad Sometimes in life it really does feel like no one sees the inner you. I get that feeling sometimes, even around my best friend. You just want to turn to people and say, "Why don't you understand me? Why don't you see me?" In my case, it's more of a, "Why can't you give me what I give you?"
but we won't go into that.

Also understandable. I think it's wonderful that you have someone who you can be so open with, even if you do have to sensor some things. No one knows everything about someone. There are something we just have to keep to ourselves. Having said that, sometimes it gets really hard to hold that in.

As cliche as it might sound, you're at the time in your life when you're just starting to figure out who you are. I bet your friends are going through the same thing, even if it doesn't seem like it. Try not to worry as much about living up to their standards. As you said, they'll accept you no matter what, and only through the process of trial and error can you know who you are.

That's very sad. When I was in middle school and high school, I didn't have any IRL friends. I spent my days at school except for the odd acquaintence. It was pretty lonely, although I was never truly unhappy. I think I can identify with what you are going through. But one thing you have to remember, in trios of friends, someone often feels like the odd one out. This might be just your time... in the future, it might be Hailey or Michelle who feels that way. Maybe try thinking up special activities you can do with just Hailey or just Michelle.

Maybe you should try taking some time just for you. There must be something that makes you happy. A hobby of some kind? Or maybe you need to pamper yourself with a bubble bath or a spa day or something. If you feel too stressed and just need to get away, a long walk does wonders....

When your grandfather died, you were only a child. A baby, really. There is no doubt in my mind that your grandfather knew how much you loved him. It was no doubt incredibly difficult for him to see you cry everyday. The fact that you weren't there when he died means he got to die remembering your smiling face. I don't know about you, but I'd rather die with the memory of a smile as opposed to tears.

That doesn't mean you were a bad person for crying or for not being there. It's difficult to deal with the death of a loved one at any time in our lives. Your grandfather loved you, honey, I know he did. There is no disappointment in love like that. Perhaps you are disappointed in yourself and are unconsciously superimposing your feelings onto your grandfather, because it's easier to deal with. I don't know. Maybe you're scared about moving on in your life without your grandfather present, and you think that no matter what path you take, he's going to be disappointed.

But I do know that you should never feel guilty about not being there. Time is odd that way; we can never know just when the end is going to happen. You did get the chance to say your good-byes at the end of each day. The fact that you went as often as you did, when you were so young, probably meant more to him than you can imagine.

The great thing about love is that it's unconditional. There are no limits. The human heart has depths that you can't begin to imagine. Your grandfather loved you and you loved him. He's not disappointed in you. He would be proud to see how far you have come, and even more proud to know how far you will go.

*hugs* You're not lame at all. Sometimes it just takes someone who can honestly tell you that it will be okay to make it so. Besides... you're not the first person I've made cry with my advice. wink I seem to hit home a lot, so you're in good standing! I hope you feel better, babe. This will pass.

Taka, Taka, Taka...
Taco.

Taco my dear, it scares me how much you're like the middle school version of me. It really does. Middle school was terrible for me, and I'm sure it's not exactly a picnic for you either. I really hope that you snap out of it, I do.

As far as advice goes...

There are a lot of people that will never get to know the real you. Some people are just too preoccupied, and some will interpret your actions the wrong way. Realistically, even your own family probably doesn't understand much about you. But don't be afraid of that. You've got plenty of time left on this planet, and you will find people that relate to you, I promise.

Now what I did, you may not be able to do. It was a little difficult.

I lived with my dad in middle school. We got into a fight over something stupid, and I moved in with my mom. Mom lives in a different state from my dad, so of course I had to transfer schools. I moved to a small community - but not too small. There were about 120 people in each grade. With a number like that, everyone is more-or-less familiar and friendly, so it's easier to find people that you'll like.

If you can possibly transfer schools... I don't know. It might help you. It's really difficult to do, because even though you resent the people from your old school, you'll still miss the feeling of knowing them. But that passes when you make friends that actually like you for yourself.

Keep in mind that you can't always run away from your problems. But also keep in mind that a big part of life is avoiding conflict in any way you can. And remember, especially, that the point of life is to be happy.

In other words, if you have an escape route that won't severely damage anyone, take it. Just also be aware that you won't always be able to run away.

It's good that you've found someone to talk to, dear. I didn't have someone like that in middle school until about six months before I moved, and we didn't even really confide in each other. To be honest, the primary reason we were friends is because everyone else was mean to us. She was loud. I was quiet. Her parents were gay. Mine were kinda poor.

(Keep in mind that this was a private Catholic school, so these other kids were loaded and had straight parents.)

If you feel like you can't tell him everything, try keeping a diary. A written one in a notebook, or a blog, or whatever. You could do both. I wrote in notebooks, because I could carry them around with me. They're just more pratical.

Michelle and Hailey. You shouldn't put up with them, Taka. You really shouldn't. You're a sweet, decent person, and you deserve to hang around people that appreciate you, not people who pick on you, alienate you, and mess up your iPod. I understand how you feel, because I had two "friends" like that in middle school. But you know what? Those aren't friends. Those are people who want a human punching bag, and they see you as a target. For your own sanity and happiness, find someone who will appreciate who you are. Don't try to live up to anyone's standards but your own, Taka, because in the end, those are the only ones that matter.

And sweetheart, of course your grandpa isn't disappointed in you. You did love him. He knows it, I'm sure. You didn't want to see him in pain. That's love. It can't be mistaken for anything else.

You really need to stop being so hard on yourself and treat yourself with some respect, okay? You get one life to live; make it a good one.