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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:52 am
I named this thread Titania, Because thats the name of the head-character in my novel.
What I current want help with:
* The Brittish accent. How do you write it propperly?
* Grammar-Nazi and Spell-Witches are welcome. I want to use corecct English/Spelling/Grammar.
* Is there anything that should be removed, Something that should be added? Anything that is isnt neccesary or IS.
* Please dont just say "This was the worst crap I have ever read", Whiteout giving me some feedback. I'm looking for help to get better in my writing, Not to hear how bad it is.
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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:54 am
PART ONE, version three
EDIT; I did some major changes in the text, as well as Spell/Grammar corrections.
The rain drummed rhythmically against the window of Titania's house. She looked on the raindrops that crashed against the glass and then slid down the surface, leaving a wet trail behind. Aside from the low music she was playing on her computer, the only sound that was heard in the big house was the constant creaking from the bed where her baby beholder Bebe was bouncing on it.
The young woman turned her head and looked at the creature, Saying `boing´ every time he hit the bed and bounced up in the air again. He was bigger then a tennisball with one eye and five eyestalks ontop of his head. When he was fullgrown, he was going to be big as a handball. Titania admired his playfulness and the optimism that she herself lacked. She enjoyed the company. Besides, He had been in her old apartment when she got there, So he had just tagged along.
Titania returned to the window. It was dark outside, So she only stared at her own reflection. She met a pale face with her eyes framed with black color and red lips, Her own makeup of course. The otherwise mahogany hair was colored black with dark crimson streaks. She liked the new look she got. She smiled and a pair of fangs was visible under the lips. The stylist had made a good job.
“Why is mummy looking out the window?” A voice asked into her right ear and she turned her head. Bebe hovered in the air beside her head, scanning her with all his seven eyes. He was small now, But would grow to the size of a Handball. “You look bored.”
“I just have nothing better to do,” Titania smiled as the ball pushed himself against her cheek and rubbed ALL his small body against her, Big as a tennis ball at the moment.
“Dr. Phil will be on soon.” Bebe flew over to the TV, pushing the small button that turned on the screen with one of his eyes. Then he jumped repeatedly on the `channel up´ button until he found the desired channel. Titania smiled as the little creature started to vibrate with delight. She didn't know any other person that looked on Dr. Phil as much as he did.
Titania rose from the computer and went into her bathroom. The only thing that lit the small room was candles. A lot of them. Against one of the walls, A painting of a beautiful young woman with golden hair had been placed. She stood in a carriage pulled by two great white cats. On the table, A bowl of fresh fruit and fresh flowers was placed, all offers to the goddess she worshiped.
The woman knelt before the table and picked up a knife from the table. When she had enough money, She would raise a temple to Freya's honor. Also, she would tattoo the head of a boar into her overarm. During the viking age, warriors used to wear that symbol as a sign that they had sworn themselves to Freya and would come to her when they died. She ruled over love, fertility and beauty.
“My blood for you given,” Titania whispered as she closed her hand around the knife and pressed it against her skin, feeling the sharp edge cut into her flesh as she slowly pulled it downwards. She had never been afraid of the pain, since she gave it to her goddess. As the red liquid dropped down over one of the apples in the bowl, Titania praised the old mythic goddess, Asked her for guidance and thanked her for guarding over her. It always made her feel better after `Talking´ to Freya. She always listened. Even if the goddess had not yet blessed her with either beauty or love, She guessed she just had to wait. Freya waited until her worshiper was mature for a lover.
When Titania was done, she wrapped her hands in the band aid. She walked out from the bathroom and the doorbell suddenly rang. The person causing the noise didn't stop until she opened the door.
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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:57 am
PART TWO, version one
A set of blue eyes met hers. They were red around the edges and a mess of blond hair was smeared with blood, sticking it to the scalp. A cigarette hung loosely from the lips, accompanied by a days stubble of blond beard.
“Lo luv,” The man said with a British accent. “Fancy a shag?”
Then, He fell heavily to the floor.
“John Constantine,” Titania said under her breath as she dragged him into the living room and leaned him against the sofa. He was alive. Seemingly unconscious, But still alive. “Whatever am I going to do with you?”
He looked up with one red rimmed eye. “Shag my unconscious body,” The man mumbled. “Do you have anything to drink? Ahhhhh, my head.”
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