Welcome to Gaia! ::

After reading Quezacoatle's and friend's fan fic, I was inspired to write my own except with Renji as the star since he and Zack are very similar. Plus, I found the prompts to be funny enough to write. However, I'm going to be writing for all 213 prompts so please bear with me. I'm doing this in my spare time and whenever I can think of something to write. I will try to do them in chronological order and five at a time.

A special shout out to my wonderful beta and friend, flight815kitsune, for putting up with my sporadic writing and insanity. Three cheers for her. Without her, I'd probably end up writing some characters OOC.

Disclaimer: Chibi doesn't own Bleach or characters in any shape and form. I'm just using them for torture my amusement and am not earning any money for this.

Warning: There may be times when I'll use an OC or two or three. Seikatsu and Shinemaru are my characters.

Warning 2: Since I haven't seen the entire series, some of it may slightly stray into the AU category. That's why I have my wonderful beta for!

Warning 3: This will contain shounen ai/yaoi/male-male relationships. If you don't like it, please don't read and then comment.

Pairings so far: Renji/Ichigo, Shinemaru(OC)/Seikatsu(OC)

I didn't want to have these, but I know someone's bound to do something and cause a flame war or something like that.

1. Follow ToS.

2. Be open minded. I will have slash in it, and I don't want flame wars on whether or not certain characters are gay. Remember this is meant to be a humorous fic.

3. Don't flame. If you don't like it, you don't have to read and comment on it.

4. Play nicely with the other reviewers. This thread is for the entertainment of people, not for starting fights. If you want to start fights with others, do it elsewhere. I will not tolerate fighting in my thread.

5. Concrit is lovely, but flames aren't.

6. Please don't tell me to hurry up. It says in the first post.

7. Please don't steal my crappy work. Me and my beta worked hard to bring this to you.

8. No excessive bumping, spamming, or advertising. If you want to bump/spam/advertise, post it in the appropriate forums, not my thread.

9. My characters belong to me. They're the voices in my head. Seikatsu's been restless lately.

213 Things Zack Fair is no longer Allowed to do in the ShinRa Army

Wonderful beta here.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

OOC: I went with the dubbed version since it wouldn’t make sense with the Japanese.

Being the assistant captain, Yachiru made her usual rounds so her captain didn’t have to deal with the idiots. However, with her bad sense of direction, she managed to find herself in odd places, including squad three’s building. It was a wonder how she maintained squad eleven’s members when she didn’t know where she went half the time.

“Oh my god, you killed Kenny!”

Coming to an abrupt halt, she turned her attention to the door before hearing, of all things, Renji laughing. More than furious, she charged through the door, her small hands immediately strangling Renji’s neck.

“How dare you kill Kenny!”

While Renji turned an unflattering shade of blue, a member of the squad eleven coughed to get her attention and then pointed to the television, which was showing South Park.

Yachiru blinked a few times, realization dawning on her. She released the red head, who collapsed into a heap and gasped for air.

“You killed Kenny!” With that, she unleashed her zanpakuto on the innocent item, leaving her squad mourning over its demise.



2. My proper military title is "Lieutenant Renji Abarai, Sixth Squad" not "Princess Anastasia".

Kuchiki Byakuya, Captain of the Sixth Squad, sighed for the hundredth time that day. Ever since they appointed him a second in command, he didn’t know whether to be singing praises or banging his head on his desk in hopes of rendering himself unconscious. He glanced over to his now lightened paperwork and grabbed the top sheet.

Halfway through his paper, his door slammed open. Having felt the riatsu, he knew exactly who entered his office. Without looking up from his work, he greeted them in his usual impassive tone, “Hello Toshiro, Gin, and Renji.”

Surely, Renji couldn’t have gotten into trouble two days after acquiring his post. Then again, this was Renji, and it would explain why two captains accompanied him.

“What can I help you with?” Looking up, his mind completely shut down at the sight of his second in a dress. Byakuya attempted to restart his mind a few times but ended up doing a perfect imitation of a fish before he found his voice. “What is the meaning of this?”

The tenth division captain stepped forward. “That’s what we’d like to know. Lieutenant Abarai Renji has displaying odd behaviors lately. It’s rather disturbing.”

This was not good.

“Who is this ‘Lieutenant Abarai Renji?’” The shinigami in question asked. “I’m Princess Anastasia. Pleased to meet you.” He hastily added, “Is he cute?”

“And they call me insane,” Gin muttered, which was ignored by the others.

“Enough of this. Renji get back into your proper uniform immediately.” The sight of his second in drag disturbed him. Not that Renji looked bad in a dress. He was actually appealing, which made it even more disturbing.

“I told them several times, I’m not this Renji guy. Why can’t you get it through your head? I’m Princess Anastasia. Wait till my father hears about this!” Renji screeched, folding his arms over his chest and turning up his nose.

Toshiro gave him a sympathetic look while Gin seemed to be down right amused.

“I’ll take it from here,” Byakuya said, a migraine already forming.

The two captains respectfully said their goodbyes before taking their leave.

“Even for Renji, this is highly unusual behavior,” Toshiro mused out loud as they headed towards the exit of the sixth squad’s area. Very odd, indeed.

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Gin said nonchalantly. “You know how he can be. Probably wants attention.”

The shorter captain raised a brow but said nothing further. This bothered him, and he couldn’t help worrying.

“He’ll be back to normal tomorrow.”

Toshiro paused, allowing his fellow captain to walk ahead. “And how would you know?” His eyes widened as he saw a book sticking out of Gin’s pack.

‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis.’



3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Scrambling for his communicator, Renji nearly fell off of the rooftop he had been perched upon. He quickly flipped to the relevant information. Another hollow attack.

“Well Zabimaru, it seems our wish has been granted. No more boring patrol,” Renji whooped as he put away his communicator. He then hopped from rooftop to rooftop until he reached the location.

Apparently he wasn’t the only one there. “Rukia, I didn’t know you were working this area.”

Rukia snorted. “That’s what you get for staying out of touch. Enough chatter, we have a job to do.” She barely avoided being sliced into two by the hollow’s large and very sharp claws.

“Yeah, yeah.” With Zabimaru out, Renji looked for openings. “Hey, you ugly hollow! Surrender or I’ll stuff your soul into toilet paper!”

What?!

When the hollow was distracted, Rukia attacked, slicing its mask in two. “Renji you idiot!” She smacked his head as soon as he was within reach.

“What was that for?” Renji whined, nursing his abused head.

“You can’t stuff someone’s soul into toilet paper using shido, and that’s disgusting!”



4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

“Renji, what are you doing here?” Rukia asked, looking out her window. Was he peeping on her? She shuddered at the thought of almost changing into her night attire while he was there.

Crap, he had been caught sneaking around the Kuchiki household. Renji laughed nervously. “I was actually here to see your older brother.”

Rukia raised a brow. “If you wanted to see him, you didn’t have to sneak around. So, what do you need?”

“Well, I uh….-“

“You’re stalling, and it can’t be that embarrassing,” she added after seeing his flustered look. “Oh my, are you and niisama… together?”

“No way! He’s too stiff and isn’t my type.”

Oh ho ho ho ho ho. This was certainly worth it. “Renji, I never knew you swung that way. No wonder why you turned down all those offers. I thought you weren’t interested—mmf.”

“Shhhh.” Renji clasped his hand on her mouth. Why did he inadvertently tell her, one of the biggest gossips?

She wrenched his hand from her mouth and glared at him. “So why are you really here? If you’re not here for that, then what?”

“I need some of your brother’s hair. Could I have some?”

“Why? Oh no you aren’t!” Rukia grabbed her zanpakuto, sheath and all, before jumping out her window to beat the crap out of Renji.

On his way back home for a relaxing night, Byakuya wasn’t prepared for the sight of Renji being chased by his younger sister, who was apparently beating him with her zanpakuto. Why was Renji there in the first place?

“You’re not going to use niisama’s hair to put his soul into toilet paper!” Rukia shrieked as she whapped him several times.

“I don’t want to know,” Byakuya said, his migraine returning full force.



5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

As a battle hardened captain, few things unnerved him. Well, he didn’t count on a certain red head within his ranks.

It started out like any other normal day. Kenpachi made his usual rounds with his second joining him half-way through it. Together, they managed to traverse squad eleven’s entire area and even some parts twice.

As they were about to call it a day, a familiar face passed by them. At first, everything seemed to be normal, but there was this strange feeling. Kenpachi looked at the retreating back. He thought nothing of it; however, this unnerving feeling kept pestering him. He absolutely hated this feeling.

“Renji!”

The red head turned around to face his captain. “Yeah?”

The eleventh squad’s captain stared at him, inspecting him from head to toe. “Did you do something with your hair?” It sounded cheesy, but he had no idea what to say.

“No, I usually wear my hair this way,” Renji answered, looking quite confused. What did this captain want?

“Carry on then.”

A giggle could be heard from behind Kenpachi. “Nice chest you have there. Mine aren’t that big.”

Kenpachi’s eyes went from Renji’s eyes to his chest. Instead of a flat one, he found two rather large lumps under his uniform. “Renji, what the hell?”

“Oh that,” Renji said nonchalantly. “I look cute in them, don’t I?”

Yachiru nodded her head, smiling the entire time.

“Since when did you get… breast implants?” Despite his toughness, there were a few things that made Kenpachi uncomfortable.

“Breast implants?” Renji asked before laughing at the surprised look of his captain. He opened up his uniform to show his fake boobs. “I wanted to see what size to get and Matsumoto kindly lent me a pair of her bras, but I don’t think I’d go for this size. They’re annoying. Maybe a few sizes smaller. I don’t know how she can live with these.” He shrugged.

The captain slapped his face. “Abarai Renji, if you ever go through with getting breast implants, I will ensure you will become my permanent sparring partner.”

“Eep!”

XD I loved that one. Sankyuu. I liked that one too.

There's one more set before I need to write. Shido is their black magic. Rukia's good at shido unlike Renji.

Ah okay. I've heard it as shido from other places. >>U Guess they were wrong or something.

Why didn't my beta catch it?

It means I'll have to edit my fics.

Dun feel like it.

And Sankyuu.