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 Posted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 8:18 pm
Entry twenty, December 15th, 2005
It's official, Raissen has moved out of the house. Aside from Braeden now, and Audric, I am alone. I don't even know Asher, he's in the charge of Hikaro and Haku, who are now both adults. I don't know A'Hallei either. He's foreign to me. I saw him when he came home just the other day, and I stood with mouth agape at how tall he's gotten. Wordlessly, he regarded me with hatred seething in those neon green orbs, as though I were at fault for something? I asked him why he looked at me with contempt, and he replied that that was just how he always looked, but that he needed me to take him to the forge. When had he become so fluent? I'd never heard him speak a complete sentance before. It was proof that he was not stupid, just restricted somehow. I agreed, we're going tomorrow.
It's too quiet here now. It reminds me of the days I spent before Hikaro had first set light footsteps into the house, of the endless days of working, without cease, pause or purpose.
I don't want to go back to that.
I want to go to the beginning, when Hikaro and Raissen were young and loving, when I'd never known a hateful gaze, or the pressures of their adolescence, when visits to the park were the most exciting thing, and I had time to just enjoy them. They've grown up, I've grown old.
I had been watching Raissen recently, since I learned he was going to vacate my house. Not in the way I used to, no, where I'd stab myself again and again with how much I loved him, and needed him, how I couldn't allow myself to have him, and how beautiful he was. He still is, but something dawned on me. Never once have I caught him looking at me the way I look at him. What I mean is, when he looks at me, he seems sad, he looks at me like i'm a withered old man who let a golden oppourtunity pass him by. Was Raissen ever my oppourtunity? If we had consumated a relationship, would he come to regret it?
I'd never want to be a source of his regret. I want to ask him if he's had a good life, if he'd rather have had another father raise him, another family, another shot at sucess. I've just weighed him down, tethered him without even realizing it. Hikaro spread his wings and shot free, but I'd never allowed Raissen such freedom. It's unfair of me, so now I let him go without protest, if only he'll stop looking at me that way.
I turn and look to my salvation, the smooth marble face I've created. It was one I started ages ago, but became too distracted to finish. A yellow stone, about half the height of the others became a small blonde boy. A winged boy, tied to the sun and to the sky was a challenge I couldn't pass up. Something is different though, from how I remember it. This boy has wings, yes, Hikaro's wings, but he's got Raissen's face. Let him go, old man. You had a good run, at least you kept disaster at bay, what happens to him now is his own choice, not yours.
Whether or not I wanted to be, I was born to be a father. A companion, also, perhaps, but a father first and foremost. I've been foolish and selfish, self pitying when I should have put Raissen before me. I want him to find hapiness, wherever it may end up being.
I found myself wandering the house, crossing the hallways with quiet steps of feet clumping on hardwood floors. The walls undulate with every step, and the quiet is only broken by the wooshing of my own blood in my ears, pounding my head, flooding my eyes. I discovered a bottle in my hand, almost not realizing it was only empty, the pungent contents staining my lips, bitterness in my throat, not bile, but alchohol. When had I starded drinking? I couldn't read the hallway clock, all of the cryptic symbols swimming in place. It didn't matter anyway what time it was, I really didn't care.
Alone in my room, I looked across the wide expanse of my bed. The orange satin sheets are still and frigid, like I am, waiting for a touch to make them warm and inviting. I had the heater turned up, but the heat seems to linger in the hallway where Braeden roams like a ghost, day in and day out. Every now and again his light seeps in under the door, and fades again. I don't know where he goes...perhaps I should talk to him, start over, start again with another child. Perhaps I'm not giving the new residents of the Chegrin household a chance.
I'd like to find Audric somewhere, talk to him. I heard he can read my mind, and if these demons are as emphatic as Azyre suggests, perhaps...
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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 3:35 pm
[This post will be reserved until the rps with Catzi are further resolved]
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 11:02 pm
Geez, time sure has passed, hasn't it? I don't know, I've been rather caught up in moving out and finding my own spot in the world. Until now, i'd only been scraping at it with a small tin spoon, but recently I've hit it full force with a jackhammer.
Since moving out from under Dian's thumb, I've found a nice, really nice place owned, suprisingly enough, by someone in my own family who I had never even met. While I was glad enough to get out of that shithole apartment I'd started in, i'm now very fond of my roomate.
His name is Jack, and he is one of the odder creatures i've come to know. Despite my having been intimately raised with two winged children modeled after phoenixes, and a man who had raccoon blood racing through his veins, I'd never known a vampire. Yes, a full fledged bite you on the neck supernatural speed and grace vampire.
Only he doesn't do that. He explained to me that his race had evolved beyond his ancient and primative ancestors, and could both walk in the sunlight, and eat solid non blood based foods. He's also damn near the smartest person I've ever known- aside from Haku that is.
Jack with his large pool of influence back in his home country procured a large sum of money to purchase a suitable house, and had a few rooms to spare. I'd run across his add completely by chance, and saw it was perfect for my needs, and not even more than twenty miles from Dian's house.
Speaking of whom, I didn't even learn Dian was Jack's adoptive father as well until I described the lanky vampire to him! Jack and Dian's relationship was more formality, as Jack needed a way into the country, and he was already far, far older than Dian anyway. They're in contact, it seems, but not terribly close. Dian is thrilled I've found a semipermanant residence that isn't out of state.
Work has been terrific! There is a spa close to the house where i've been hired on full time as a resident masseuse. The job has me all day every day in a spa, and I couldn't really be happier. Granted, i'm working, but I do love making everyone else's day a lot brighter, and most everyone is all full of smiles and thanks when they leave. I haven't been there too long, but i'm already one of the higher ranked masseuses, and am due to a raise sometime soon.
Still, my hours are very regular, and sometimes clients cancel their appointments, which leaves me with a lot of spare time. I've considered going back to the rave scene, but there has been a lot of controversy of laced ecxtasy, and some people have been getting violent, and there have been many 'drug busts' by the police that are a poor ruse for dissasembling the rave scene.
For now, I suppose i'll just kick back and see what inspiration strikes me to do next.
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Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:36 pm
I've had the wierdest dreams of late, one of which I can't even really describe the range of emotions I went though during it. It involved Laertes and I...We...
Well it started with my rescuing him from being assaulted. He was drunk, and dressed in this tiny little chinese dress and boots. I carried him home for him to sleep it off, but that night we...Well he snuck into my room and...
Okay so we had sex. But it was really objective, almost like I wasn't even there. Not like a wet dream.
The next thing I knew, it was a year or so later. I knew Laertes and I hadn't spoken since that night, and Jack sold me the house, so I was alone. I heard the doorbell ring, and as I went to answer it, Laertes was standing there, holding a baby.
I could have died, that baby looked so much like me. Tan skin, Laertes' hair with my blonde streak and his eyes. My nose, he told me.
"Uh...Suprise?"
The rest of the dream went by pretty fast, where we took the baby clothes and toy shopping, and took him home to where Laertes lived. After I put the baby down to sleep, I woke up, but I felt as though it actually happened. It took me creeping into the study to see Jack leaning over the desk writing away to convince me I hadn't actually sired a child with Laertes.
I don't know what to think. I just don't know.
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Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 3:50 pm
It seems Ptah, Laertes and I have spent a lot more time hanging out together. The three of us. I'm not quite sure how it started, but I have ideas for where I want it to eventually end. Though, I've found myself in quite a pickle- I have no idea how to breach the subject with my two friends, or how they'll react to it. I don't want to say if they refuse all my dreams will be dashed, but there is really nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
A soft sigh escapes my lips as one of my co-worker's hands slide over my back. We're both slicked with oil, slightly awkward fingers causing more a mess than either of us accounted for. I'm partly to blame, sneezing and startling him. The oil spewed out, smelling of chestnuts and roses.
Oddly enough, it gives me pause to think. Over my crossed arms I can see out the window, and this place has a spectacular view. It's slightly foggy- cold out today, which makes the warmpth of his hands all the more inviting. I couldn't leave now, even if I wanted to. I can see the peaks of the cliffs that lead to the sea, bathed in the mist from the ocean. Saltiness. Must be the chestnuts.
I can't remember the last time i've been out somewhere without underwear on. It feels slightly awkward, being nude before him, but we've worked together for a few years, he's not a total stranger. I can't really even recall how he talked me into this. Something about stress release. It's kind of fuzzy, cause his hands are like magic.
There is a soft bit of ambiance coming from a nearby stereo. It's not as distracting as music, but not as awkward as silence. I'd probably get really nervous if it was completely silent except for the sounds of my own groaning and the cracks of his joints as he strains to push me ever higher out of my own mind.
I like the way he moves. It's slow, even, reassuring. He's got good rythem, it's no wonder he gets high review ratings. Well, from what i've heard at least, he's quite popular. I can finally see why. It's hard to describe without feeling it yourself.
And then I wonder; What would they think? If they knew?
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Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 4:16 pm
(Continued from last journal entry)
Thinking about it now, I've never invited either Ptah or Laertes to my work. I wonder why. My co worker steps out for a moment to grab another vial of oil. My mind begins to clear.
I recall that I met Laertes before I met Ptah. We were both kids, recently adopted out. I remember I never got over the fact GD just gave me away. I know he hated the lot of us, but I didn't even think it was legal. My dad drove him home one night when he was drunk, and as thanks, he gave me to him.
I suppose I should thank him, but I digress.
Laertes went out to a lovely woman named Otome. Laertes has always been a kind of shy kid. But he used to love wearing pastel colors. Light blue, and light purple really. The purple brought out his eyes. I've never known anyone to have violet eyes except him, they're very striking. When he wears eyeliner, they just shine out, and if I didn't know him as a child, I could have sworn to you they were contacts, they're so dazzlingly unreal.
I recall he loved to dance. Ballet. I remember ballet. He told me all about it. Both of them like to dance, though in drastically different styles. One is all about discipline and poise, carefully measured and precice, the other about just doing what felt natural, and spontenaiety. You never could dance the same way every time, there was always someone new beside you, around you, grinding themselves onto you. But no one is more or less dance than the other. I think he told me he was giving up ballet.
Ptah. I remember meeting him as well. It was at a rave. We'd sort of unoficially met through our parents, each hearing what about and news of the other while never actually knowing who the other was. It was awkward at first, kind of like meeting someone in person who'd you only spoken to over the internet.
I remember being attracted to him at once. He's got this kind of relaxed energy like Catzi that drew me in, made me want to talk to him. It helps that he's always so friendly, and inoffensively physical.
I wish I had met him as a child, I want to know if his hair is real as well. I wouldn't be suprised if it was, but I wouldn't be suprised if it wasn't either. Pink and green. Neon and excited colors.
I could think about the two of them forever, prattle on endlessly about why I like them, what I find so attractive, and the little things they do that make me want to tackle them and sex them into oblivion. Yes, them, both of them. Do you see now why I have this problem?
It's no secret threesomes are terribly hard to obtain among those who aren't interested in one night stands. I couldn't bear to lose either of them, chalking it up to alchohol or hormones or fits of momentary insanity. If we're gonna be in it, it's gotta be for the long haul.
"How?" I ask aloud.
"How?" His voice echoes mine. He'd walked back in, and was looking at me expectantly. He walks over again and his hands are again caressing my skin, though chilly from their leave. I flinch slightly.
"You can start by not thinking so much, and just do what comes naturally."
As my mind folds in, hazy again with the sensations, I begin to think that hey, maybe that's not bad advice after all.
(This journal is no longer RP required, though I may continue to post from time to time)
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