The New York City Nutcase
Imagine your self in a common place; New York city, on a wonders day indeed, the day after the day of the Satanist, The day after the holiday of the harvest of the dead, The day after hallows eve. It was November 1. Halloween decorations were now gone, and were replaced already replaced with the Wonderful turkey, that represents the next holiday that people want to celebrate, or at least people who are not politicians. But away from the street, our characters are in a small studio, on the 16nth floor of a 43 floor build on the very street where the parade was held. And in even more detail, you have a room that is only getting dimly lit, by the 5:23 am sun rise.
(Enter Stanley Ardinum, and Louis Ardinum)
Stanley
Damn, That was an AWESOME. I think it was like the best one I have ever been to, I loved the party soooo much. I only wish that Louis was here to see that parade. Oh, boy did he miss a great party
(Sighs, putting on a shirt, and fixes pants. Louis is in a mask of a gorilla. He turns over in the couch to look at his brother, still sleeping)
Louis
ZzzZZZZZzzzzzzZZzzZZZzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ(Snores, loudly)
Stanley
(Gasp) Oh…my…god…Its, its, its, its King Kong(Mutters to self, taking a step forward) Its so ugly, and big, and hairy, and fat, and Empire state building climbing(Keeps muttering)
Louis
GGRRUUUGHHH(grunts, clearing throat, still sleeping)
Stanley
That is absolutouly disgusting, I should strangle him(Things to self, and starts to approach the sleeping person) Sucker, I will become a hero, The man who killed the woman snatching King Kong, I will be loved by all, and by the none…people, type
(He looks up in though, while still advancing towards his sleeping brother. In his deep thought, he is caught of guard by a fallen chair, on which he trips and then starts falling, head first into his brother)
Stanley
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…GGGGHHHHAAAAA, DDDDDIIIIIEEEEEEEEE
(Falls, and hits Louis in the chest, throwing him up in shock, as well as pain)
Louis
WWWWHHHHAAAAATTTT TTTHHHEEEE HHHEEELLLLL?????? (looks at his brother with angry eyes, taking off his mask, looking at him with hard eyes) What in the world is wrong with you??Did you have to much to drink last night, or did you forget your medicin? I let it go yesterday, it was a holiday, and no one would notice if you took them or not.
Stanley
Hey lou, Hey, did you..did you by any…by any chance see a giant gorilla here? He was on this spot, he was big, ugly, and hairy, and very very, very, very, very, very, VERY, fat
Louis
(Looks at his size 24 jeans)Are you sure he was VERY fat? Because I am pretty sure I didn’t see anyone that was fat, or hairy, or ugly
Stanley
II don’t know, I don’t lie about these things, and I saw King Kong here, You know I did…(looks at his brother seriously) I would like my pills now(Smiles grandly, and holds out hand)Pretty please, with a vanilla cherry on top
Louis
Ehh, Vanilla Cherry, that is horribal, I think I like the lime better then the damned Vanilla cherry(Mutters, getting up, and puts on his jeans in a quick movement, and then puts on a T-shirt, that said "You annoy me ALL the time, so shut up. Its MY turn to annoy YOU”)
Stanley
Are you kidding me??? The lime is definetly last year, no one even touches that stuff anymore, NO ONE, and if anyone would, the would be shunned forever
Louis
(Takes paper with list of symptoms, and reads it to self) Nervousness, Loss of appitie, Thoughts of suicide, very irritable…Gee, I can already feel that today is going to be a very intresting day, A very very interesting day indeed.(Take out 2 pills, and gives them to his brother, with a cup of water) Take them both this time please
Stanley
I took them both last time to, I just coughed one up…without me noticing…with my figure down my throat…not making me gag and then having the open window there. No, that was completely by accident, an could have only been seen to god(He said with a big grin)
Louis
I really don’t care, Just take them right now, and don’t even think about complaining.
Stanley
I'm not going to complain, Did I complain? I didn’t not complain that these pillsa re completely a waste of money, and that no one needs them. I did not say that, I didnt not, I will not
Louis
Did you take them already? Or should I give it to you with some lime cherry vanilla, blended together in a nasty chicken cocktail, made in mom’s old blender, the blue one
Stanley
NOOOOO, not that, please no(Steps back, and sits down on the couch) I don’t want to die, Idont wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna. (Falls down, snoring)
Louis
Thank goodness for the fast acting drowsy effect of this medicine(Sighs, and takes a seat on a chair) I don’t know what to do anymore. He is starting to get out of hand. And time is only helping the madness spread. The medicine is starting to not work as well, and the doctor is a real jackass. I don’t know, maybe a different doctor will help. Or may be I should take him to a hospital, and see if it is a serious matter. But is I don’t stop this, it will keep on going on the rise, and Stanley will be a complete nut, and completely out of my control . I only wish that mom and dad didn’t leave us. It is trully difficult without them. And with the insurance money running low, and with the unsold house still there, it’s unbearable. That’s it, I will go to a new doctor, ge…(the telephone rings) Hello……Yes mother, I was talking about you….Well im sorry, I didn’t know that you were doing something…..Well….Bu…..Ask dad to scratch it for you, might as well get him to do something……Yes, I know im not supposed to talk to him like tha….No, no need for me to talk to him….I talked to him before I left yesterday…I know the house has not been sold yet, I am the one dealing with the transaction…I will do that…I will do that to…..Okay, bye mom, talk to you later.(puts down the phone) Every time they call from there, I am the one who pays the damned bill. Don’t they get that at all?
(Stanley snores loudly, mumbling in his sleep)
Louis
I should maybe get some breakfast…nah, Ill wait till he wakes up, then Ill go get something good to eat. (Puts his hand on his chin) Maybe I should go to the doctor with him, and get something to eat on the way over there. Yea, that sounds like a wonderful idea, and nothing can go wrong with it…well other then we don’t get in…time to make a call to the doctor, and ask him to get ready for us.
(Picks up phone, and starts dialing a number, the phone begins to ring on the other side. Lights dim, exit Louis and Stanley)
It is now 7:53, and the sun is now shining full blown into the room. Stanley is now awaking from his medically induced sleep.
(Enter Stanley)
Stanley
Mumghmhgughmugmh, Its to damn early to be getting up
(Rubs his eyes, and starts to get up. He is all dressed up. Enter Louis)
Louis
Good Morning sleepy head, how are you doing this fine New York morning?
Stanley
(Gets up, and looks at his brother with a tired angry glare)
How does it look like im doing? I'm starving, I want to sleep, and my head hurt. GHAAA, And no one ever wants to help…I swear im am going to kill someone sometime
Louis
(Sighs and then smiles)
That’s great, that is always a good sign. To bad ofcourse you don’t remember last nights party, that you had SOO much fun at(Looks at his brother with a sly smile)But, it is all in the past now
Stanley
What par….OOOHHH, yea, right, THHHAAAATTT party. I remember it well. How can I forget it…But, we were far away from each other, why not tell me about it? (Sits down, and puts his hands on his lap, and starts looking at his brother, with a sly smile, back at him.)
Louis
Oh, the party was fun, it was really fun. The sad part is, that we were all in masks, and you were the one in the best one. You were actually hitting on a girl, believe it or not.
Stanley
I was?...I mean, you expect less of my, she was a beautiful…black hai(Louis grunts) Ummm, Blond(He coughs hard, and offering a hint) Of course I remember the lovely brunet girl. How could I possibly forget her? (Laughs nervously, shifting is eyes alot)
Louis
I know, she was pretty, and nice. She really liked you. Absolutely adored you. And you don’t remember a single thing. A real pity it was
Stanley
LISTEN TO ME, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU. I KNOW THAT I DON’T REMEMBER A THING FROM LAST NIGHT, AND I KNOW THAT YOU DO REMEMBER WHAT DID HAPPEN, AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT THE CUTE BRUNET NEVER EXISTED. YOU ARE ONLY TRYING TO GET ME MAD AGAIN, AND BOY DID YOU DO A GOOD JOB AT THAT (Stats breathing deeply, and looking at hos brother, ready to kill him on that very spot)
Louis
Calm down tiger, you don’t know if there really was a blond, hell, you were about to kill me about 3 hours ago, and I thought I was going to die
Stanley
Well, tell me where I made my mistake, and maybe this time when I try, I wont mess up in that category(Grins evilly, walking up to him, fist made)
Louis
Well, your mistake was you don’t want to kill me. And there is no point in doing that to me right now, I mean we have to head out, and have to go and make a 4 o’clock appointment to a doctor. So we cant miss that. We are going to you new doctor. His name is Jessie Duptin. And he has a lot of papers on his wall. The good kind, not the ones that little kids read all the time.
Stanley
What collage did he come from?
Louis
Oh, he came from…I’m not that sure now that you mention it to me
Stanley
Well, Then how do I know he is good, you just said that he has lots of papers that little kids not like to read.
Louis
Yes I did, It is basically 7 copies of his license to practice, ever since that whole problem with the Russian dentist, the one in Brooklyn.
Stanley
So this idiot, instead of putting up his own education, he puts up some useless papers, that mean absolutely nothing, who cares if he can work or not. A trained monkey can get a licence as well, I don’t go to him anyway
Louis
Stan, do you even know what doctor we are going to?
Stanley
I can only guess. I mean I have been walking weird for so long, its about time you get my back checked out. My only question is why did it take you so long to get a chiropractor?
Louis
Stan, its not a chiropractor, it’s a p…
Stanley
Oh, so it’s a podiatrist for my foot fungus, I was wondering why the smell wasn’t bothering you
Louis
That foot, I am going to cut of, I swear. But no, that’s not it, It’s a p….
Stanley
Is something wrong with you? I'm not a child, I don’t need to go to a perdiatrition, that guy is only for children, and I am not a child
Louis
GGGHHHHAAAAAA(Yells, hitting forehead in a Jewish manner)
Stanley
What’s wrong? Did I spoil the surprise?
Louis
No you idiotic psycho, I AM TAKING YOU TO A PSYCHOLOGIST, SO GET YOUR STUPID HEAD FIXED FROM ITS STUPID MISTAKES, SO THAT I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID BLABBERING, YOU STUPID NINCOMPOOP
Stanley
WHAT?!?!?!?!? The psychologist? Why are we going there? And why are you telling me this now, WHEN WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR WAY????
Louis
BECAUSE YOUR CRAZY HEAD WANTED TO SLEEP FOR 2 HOURS
Stanley
WELL, YOU’RE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE STUPID PILLS THAT MADE ME FALL ASLEEP
Louis
Its better then having you beg be for vanilla cherries, and things like that
Stanley
Everyone one knows that lime is a lot better then some Vanilla Cherry. Are you sure it was me
Louis
Who else attacks the other just because they are in a gorilla mask?
Stanley
(Giggles a bit, but then looks at his brother with a stern face) Well, what’s done is done, we should start getting ready for the appointment. I don’t want to be late to meet by “Wonderful” new doctor, who came out of a crackpot collage
Louis
That’s great. Lets head out, We will get something to eat on the way there
Stanley
Wait, I need to find me phone(Looks under the bed, and then in his pockets, and the opening his brother’s pockets)There we go(He takes out Louis’s cell phone)Okay, lets go. I am ready as I can ever be.
(Stanley walks out of the studio apartment, and starts whistling as he walks out. Louis on the other hand takes a deep breath, and as he walks to the door. He looks at around the apartment, before stepping out as well. Exit Louis and Stanley)
We take you away from the dingy apartment in which the two brothers lived in, and we head of to a office in the middle of Manhattan, a long distance away from that home. That office is nicely furnished, with a soft light. A receptionist is sitting on a desk, with a window looking into the waiting area. The doctor is just coming to work, since it is still only 8 AM
(Enter the doctor, and receptionist)
Receptionist
Doctor, Good morning, It Is nice to see you this morning
Jessi
Right…Now, who are you again???(Looks at her intensly)I don’t remember you
Lavern
Ummm, sir, you hired me yesterday, before you closed (Looks at him with a soft smile)
Jessie
Ahhh, right, Lavern was it? You caught me at the parade right?
Lavern
Yup, That is exactly where. Anyway, to do my job, you have someone to coming soon. New patient, his name is Stanly Artinum(gives the doctor a file) I just got that from his old doctor, with a note of warning
Doctor
(takes the note, and clears his throat) Dear Doctor Deptin, I have received word that a patient of mine wants to leave my office. So I have sent him to you. I would normally would have done anything to keep the patient in my hands, but this one is ALL your, I don’t want him, and so your stuck with him now. But to make things better for you, I will go ahead to tell you what he suffers from. The man has several personalities, and you never know which one will come to visit you. I gave him some medication that has thrown the number down to 2 personalities. One is when he is on his medication. He becomes irritable, and also he becomes deadly. I have lost a chair or two to him. But without his meds, he is confused, gullable, and suicidal we can put this, but he really just doesn’t know what will kill him, and what will not kill him. So this is why I send you this letter. I wish you the best of luck with that man, because you will definetly need it, to help you be able to live the next weeks. I hope to see you next year at the convention, buddy. Signed Jeffery Zellow
Lavern
Oh my, that seems horrible of that doctor to do
Jessie
Yes it is…When is my first person?
Lavern
Your next appointment is in an hour, with a mister Elstine, he has a problem with staying calm, and not clapping
Jessie
Perfect. That is just enough time to get Jeffery back for what he did
Lavern
What are you going to do to him sir?(she sat up, looking at her employer confused)
Jessie
I am going to have my sweet revenge on the man. And I will have a nice chat with him when we get to the convention next year(Laughs, as he walks over to his office, and walks out with a bottle of shaving cream, and a bottle of pills) There we go, a little old fashioned shaving cream attack, and them hit him with these pills. His fat eating will be his down fall
Lavern
Are those the diet pills that give a person diarrhea if they eat fat after words?
Jessie
Yes…that is exactly it. Diarrhea that will make a person lose in there butt cheeks from the very extent of the diarrhea(He beings to laugh again) I wont be to long. It the patient comes in early, tell him that I will be in shortly after 11.
Lavern
Yes sir, and would you like anything else
Jessie
I want you to get me some cookies, and some starbucks coffee
Lavern
Which starbucks? The one on the left, the right, the 2 on the block to the east, or the 4 on the block across the street from us?
Jessie
Go to the one that is the farthest on the other corner, they charge less if the blond is there, but if it’s a the guy with a hat, then go to the one across the street, they often give cookies free with a dopio
(Exit Jessie)
Lavern
Yes sir, right away
(Exit Lavern)
We see our dear brothers on the streets of Manhattan, taking a stroll around Central park. The wind blows some of the leaves off the trees, and onto the streets. The usual hot dog vendors are standing around, and the umbrella venders are hiding until it starts. And the bagel venders, they are hiding away from the scorching afternoon sun.
(Enter Louis, and Stanley)
Louis
Boy, it really is hot today, You start to wonder if global warming really is true, and not something made up by the government to make more money
Stanley
Its not that hot, the sun is just shining, and the wind is keeping us cool. So its nice, its very nice(Takes a deep breath)
Louis
That it is, fresh air, is aways nice, here in our city, the big apple
Stanley
What are you doing?
Louis
What do you mean what am I doing, I'm saying how much I love this city
Stanley
That’s what I mean, only tourist say that
Louis
Tourist? Oh no, not on that again, please no
Stanley
What do you mean? We are new Yorkers, and it should be know, and we should not be mistaken for tourist, not at all
Louis
I know that, but we really need to accept people from other places. This is not its own state
Stanley
What are you talking about? We can live perfectly without those other people, we don’t need anyone one else
Louis
What are we going to do for food? There is no way that we can be supported on fish that we catch in the river
Stanley
I can solve that problem, and another one at the same time (Walks over to a hot dog vender) Hello, I was wondering if I can have 3 hot dogs
Vender
That is $2 per dog, making it $6
(starts taking out the hot dogs)
Stanley
Here is 5, and thank you
(Sticks his hands out to get the hot dogs, and puts the money on the booth cart thingy)
Vender
I am sorry sir, but I do not need your 5, I want all $6, no more, no less
Stanley
Well, I want to have those hot dogs, and you tourist, is not going tell me what to pay
Vendor
I live in Brooklyn for your information, And in a nice neighborhood, so I am not a tourist
Stanley
You look like a tourist, now I want my hot dogs
Louis
What the hell is happening, Stanley, what are you trying to prove
Vender
That man is trying to swindle me into giving him 3 hot dogs for one dollar less
Stanley
It is not a dollar less, its exactly how much rat meat is worth
Louis
Rat meat? That’s a stupid myth
Stanley
Or is it? Why is it that you never see the rats where these guys are? Hmmmm? All the rats are in the Brooklyn and the Queens subway stations, and the roaches in the Bronx are a whole different story
Louis
Is this your idea of solving to problems? Working of the myth that this hot dogs are made of rats, and that we can kill them, and make our self survive on them?
Vendor
Sirs, I wish you to stop fighting, My hot dogs are nothing but pure, kosher meat
Stanley
Of course they are, cause the rats you use came from that synagogue over there(points to a big, wonderfully decorated building, that had the star of david there)
Louis
(giggling) That was a pretty good one
Vender
If you don’t want my hot dogs, fine, I have gyros from beef, as well as from lamb, and chicken (Starts to put the hot dogs into the heating tub)
Louis
That sounds like a good idea, I think Ill take the gyros. 2 beef gyros
Stanley
Are you crazy to the head? The beef comes from the over sized rats that come from the park. The lamb, well those are the fluffy, tree climbing rats.
Vender
Okay smart guy, then where does the chicken come from?
Louis
Please, don’t encourage him, I beg you
Stanley
Its to late. The chicken, well smartass, that comes from the fat, rats with wings, the ones that drop bombs on your cart, for killing someone of there own. And don’t you deny it, you know that it is right.
Vender
Forget this, Other sir, would you still like your food?
Louis
Well, not any more, not after the images that I have just seen
Stanley
It isn’t that bad, I mean, I didn’t go into what the rice is made from, or wha
Vendor
LEAVE MY CART IMMEDIATELY; I HAVE SEEN 4 PEOPLE LEAVE JUST NOW
Louis
Lets go, we don’t want to get into more trouble then what we are already in
Stanley
No, if this man wants to kick me out, he has to do it himself
Louis
No he doesn’t(Lousi takes his brother by the collar, and starts to pull him out)
Stanley
Just one punch, Just one, please can I just let one out?
Louis
(Hits his brother in a jewish manner, on the head)Shut up you stupid shmuck, I don’t want you to get arrested, or me, I don’t want to be arrested either
Vender
That’s right, control that beast of yours
Louis
WHOOAAAHH(He let go of Sta, and walked up to the vender) Where do you get the right to call him a beast?
Stanley
Ummm, Lou, calm down, you don’t want to be arrested, and you don’t want me arrested
Louis
Shut up Stanley, This is getting personal
Vendor
What are you going to do?
(Louis took the tub of hot dogs, and threw them on to the ground. In seconds, pigeons came from every corner, and another guy came up to the vender)
Vender 2
What are you doing you idiot(is talking to the first vender) We killed enough of these birds for the gyros this morning, we don’t need any more.
Vender
Do you really need to say that infront of people?
Vender 2
Just shut up, and start killing them, it saves ous the trouble, incase we run out today during rush hour.
Vender
What ever you say(he took a bat, and started to hit the birds, as Stanley and Louis walked away from the Hot dog cart as quickly as they can. Exit Louis, Stanley, Vender 1, Vender 2)
Imagine your self in a common place; New York city, on a wonders day indeed, the day after the day of the Satanist, The day after the holiday of the harvest of the dead, The day after hallows eve. It was November 1. Halloween decorations were now gone, and were replaced already replaced with the Wonderful turkey, that represents the next holiday that people want to celebrate, or at least people who are not politicians. But away from the street, our characters are in a small studio, on the 16nth floor of a 43 floor build on the very street where the parade was held. And in even more detail, you have a room that is only getting dimly lit, by the 5:23 am sun rise.
(Enter Stanley Ardinum, and Louis Ardinum)
Stanley
Damn, That was an AWESOME. I think it was like the best one I have ever been to, I loved the party soooo much. I only wish that Louis was here to see that parade. Oh, boy did he miss a great party
(Sighs, putting on a shirt, and fixes pants. Louis is in a mask of a gorilla. He turns over in the couch to look at his brother, still sleeping)
Louis
ZzzZZZZZzzzzzzZZzzZZZzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ(Snores, loudly)
Stanley
(Gasp) Oh…my…god…Its, its, its, its King Kong(Mutters to self, taking a step forward) Its so ugly, and big, and hairy, and fat, and Empire state building climbing(Keeps muttering)
Louis
GGRRUUUGHHH(grunts, clearing throat, still sleeping)
Stanley
That is absolutouly disgusting, I should strangle him(Things to self, and starts to approach the sleeping person) Sucker, I will become a hero, The man who killed the woman snatching King Kong, I will be loved by all, and by the none…people, type
(He looks up in though, while still advancing towards his sleeping brother. In his deep thought, he is caught of guard by a fallen chair, on which he trips and then starts falling, head first into his brother)
Stanley
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…GGGGHHHHAAAAA, DDDDDIIIIIEEEEEEEEE
(Falls, and hits Louis in the chest, throwing him up in shock, as well as pain)
Louis
WWWWHHHHAAAAATTTT TTTHHHEEEE HHHEEELLLLL?????? (looks at his brother with angry eyes, taking off his mask, looking at him with hard eyes) What in the world is wrong with you??Did you have to much to drink last night, or did you forget your medicin? I let it go yesterday, it was a holiday, and no one would notice if you took them or not.
Stanley
Hey lou, Hey, did you..did you by any…by any chance see a giant gorilla here? He was on this spot, he was big, ugly, and hairy, and very very, very, very, very, very, VERY, fat
Louis
(Looks at his size 24 jeans)Are you sure he was VERY fat? Because I am pretty sure I didn’t see anyone that was fat, or hairy, or ugly
Stanley
II don’t know, I don’t lie about these things, and I saw King Kong here, You know I did…(looks at his brother seriously) I would like my pills now(Smiles grandly, and holds out hand)Pretty please, with a vanilla cherry on top
Louis
Ehh, Vanilla Cherry, that is horribal, I think I like the lime better then the damned Vanilla cherry(Mutters, getting up, and puts on his jeans in a quick movement, and then puts on a T-shirt, that said "You annoy me ALL the time, so shut up. Its MY turn to annoy YOU”)
Stanley
Are you kidding me??? The lime is definetly last year, no one even touches that stuff anymore, NO ONE, and if anyone would, the would be shunned forever
Louis
(Takes paper with list of symptoms, and reads it to self) Nervousness, Loss of appitie, Thoughts of suicide, very irritable…Gee, I can already feel that today is going to be a very intresting day, A very very interesting day indeed.(Take out 2 pills, and gives them to his brother, with a cup of water) Take them both this time please
Stanley
I took them both last time to, I just coughed one up…without me noticing…with my figure down my throat…not making me gag and then having the open window there. No, that was completely by accident, an could have only been seen to god(He said with a big grin)
Louis
I really don’t care, Just take them right now, and don’t even think about complaining.
Stanley
I'm not going to complain, Did I complain? I didn’t not complain that these pillsa re completely a waste of money, and that no one needs them. I did not say that, I didnt not, I will not
Louis
Did you take them already? Or should I give it to you with some lime cherry vanilla, blended together in a nasty chicken cocktail, made in mom’s old blender, the blue one
Stanley
NOOOOO, not that, please no(Steps back, and sits down on the couch) I don’t want to die, Idont wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna. (Falls down, snoring)
Louis
Thank goodness for the fast acting drowsy effect of this medicine(Sighs, and takes a seat on a chair) I don’t know what to do anymore. He is starting to get out of hand. And time is only helping the madness spread. The medicine is starting to not work as well, and the doctor is a real jackass. I don’t know, maybe a different doctor will help. Or may be I should take him to a hospital, and see if it is a serious matter. But is I don’t stop this, it will keep on going on the rise, and Stanley will be a complete nut, and completely out of my control . I only wish that mom and dad didn’t leave us. It is trully difficult without them. And with the insurance money running low, and with the unsold house still there, it’s unbearable. That’s it, I will go to a new doctor, ge…(the telephone rings) Hello……Yes mother, I was talking about you….Well im sorry, I didn’t know that you were doing something…..Well….Bu…..Ask dad to scratch it for you, might as well get him to do something……Yes, I know im not supposed to talk to him like tha….No, no need for me to talk to him….I talked to him before I left yesterday…I know the house has not been sold yet, I am the one dealing with the transaction…I will do that…I will do that to…..Okay, bye mom, talk to you later.(puts down the phone) Every time they call from there, I am the one who pays the damned bill. Don’t they get that at all?
(Stanley snores loudly, mumbling in his sleep)
Louis
I should maybe get some breakfast…nah, Ill wait till he wakes up, then Ill go get something good to eat. (Puts his hand on his chin) Maybe I should go to the doctor with him, and get something to eat on the way over there. Yea, that sounds like a wonderful idea, and nothing can go wrong with it…well other then we don’t get in…time to make a call to the doctor, and ask him to get ready for us.
(Picks up phone, and starts dialing a number, the phone begins to ring on the other side. Lights dim, exit Louis and Stanley)
It is now 7:53, and the sun is now shining full blown into the room. Stanley is now awaking from his medically induced sleep.
(Enter Stanley)
Stanley
Mumghmhgughmugmh, Its to damn early to be getting up
(Rubs his eyes, and starts to get up. He is all dressed up. Enter Louis)
Louis
Good Morning sleepy head, how are you doing this fine New York morning?
Stanley
(Gets up, and looks at his brother with a tired angry glare)
How does it look like im doing? I'm starving, I want to sleep, and my head hurt. GHAAA, And no one ever wants to help…I swear im am going to kill someone sometime
Louis
(Sighs and then smiles)
That’s great, that is always a good sign. To bad ofcourse you don’t remember last nights party, that you had SOO much fun at(Looks at his brother with a sly smile)But, it is all in the past now
Stanley
What par….OOOHHH, yea, right, THHHAAAATTT party. I remember it well. How can I forget it…But, we were far away from each other, why not tell me about it? (Sits down, and puts his hands on his lap, and starts looking at his brother, with a sly smile, back at him.)
Louis
Oh, the party was fun, it was really fun. The sad part is, that we were all in masks, and you were the one in the best one. You were actually hitting on a girl, believe it or not.
Stanley
I was?...I mean, you expect less of my, she was a beautiful…black hai(Louis grunts) Ummm, Blond(He coughs hard, and offering a hint) Of course I remember the lovely brunet girl. How could I possibly forget her? (Laughs nervously, shifting is eyes alot)
Louis
I know, she was pretty, and nice. She really liked you. Absolutely adored you. And you don’t remember a single thing. A real pity it was
Stanley
LISTEN TO ME, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU. I KNOW THAT I DON’T REMEMBER A THING FROM LAST NIGHT, AND I KNOW THAT YOU DO REMEMBER WHAT DID HAPPEN, AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT THE CUTE BRUNET NEVER EXISTED. YOU ARE ONLY TRYING TO GET ME MAD AGAIN, AND BOY DID YOU DO A GOOD JOB AT THAT (Stats breathing deeply, and looking at hos brother, ready to kill him on that very spot)
Louis
Calm down tiger, you don’t know if there really was a blond, hell, you were about to kill me about 3 hours ago, and I thought I was going to die
Stanley
Well, tell me where I made my mistake, and maybe this time when I try, I wont mess up in that category(Grins evilly, walking up to him, fist made)
Louis
Well, your mistake was you don’t want to kill me. And there is no point in doing that to me right now, I mean we have to head out, and have to go and make a 4 o’clock appointment to a doctor. So we cant miss that. We are going to you new doctor. His name is Jessie Duptin. And he has a lot of papers on his wall. The good kind, not the ones that little kids read all the time.
Stanley
What collage did he come from?
Louis
Oh, he came from…I’m not that sure now that you mention it to me
Stanley
Well, Then how do I know he is good, you just said that he has lots of papers that little kids not like to read.
Louis
Yes I did, It is basically 7 copies of his license to practice, ever since that whole problem with the Russian dentist, the one in Brooklyn.
Stanley
So this idiot, instead of putting up his own education, he puts up some useless papers, that mean absolutely nothing, who cares if he can work or not. A trained monkey can get a licence as well, I don’t go to him anyway
Louis
Stan, do you even know what doctor we are going to?
Stanley
I can only guess. I mean I have been walking weird for so long, its about time you get my back checked out. My only question is why did it take you so long to get a chiropractor?
Louis
Stan, its not a chiropractor, it’s a p…
Stanley
Oh, so it’s a podiatrist for my foot fungus, I was wondering why the smell wasn’t bothering you
Louis
That foot, I am going to cut of, I swear. But no, that’s not it, It’s a p….
Stanley
Is something wrong with you? I'm not a child, I don’t need to go to a perdiatrition, that guy is only for children, and I am not a child
Louis
GGGHHHHAAAAAA(Yells, hitting forehead in a Jewish manner)
Stanley
What’s wrong? Did I spoil the surprise?
Louis
No you idiotic psycho, I AM TAKING YOU TO A PSYCHOLOGIST, SO GET YOUR STUPID HEAD FIXED FROM ITS STUPID MISTAKES, SO THAT I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID BLABBERING, YOU STUPID NINCOMPOOP
Stanley
WHAT?!?!?!?!? The psychologist? Why are we going there? And why are you telling me this now, WHEN WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON OUR WAY????
Louis
BECAUSE YOUR CRAZY HEAD WANTED TO SLEEP FOR 2 HOURS
Stanley
WELL, YOU’RE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE STUPID PILLS THAT MADE ME FALL ASLEEP
Louis
Its better then having you beg be for vanilla cherries, and things like that
Stanley
Everyone one knows that lime is a lot better then some Vanilla Cherry. Are you sure it was me
Louis
Who else attacks the other just because they are in a gorilla mask?
Stanley
(Giggles a bit, but then looks at his brother with a stern face) Well, what’s done is done, we should start getting ready for the appointment. I don’t want to be late to meet by “Wonderful” new doctor, who came out of a crackpot collage
Louis
That’s great. Lets head out, We will get something to eat on the way there
Stanley
Wait, I need to find me phone(Looks under the bed, and then in his pockets, and the opening his brother’s pockets)There we go(He takes out Louis’s cell phone)Okay, lets go. I am ready as I can ever be.
(Stanley walks out of the studio apartment, and starts whistling as he walks out. Louis on the other hand takes a deep breath, and as he walks to the door. He looks at around the apartment, before stepping out as well. Exit Louis and Stanley)
We take you away from the dingy apartment in which the two brothers lived in, and we head of to a office in the middle of Manhattan, a long distance away from that home. That office is nicely furnished, with a soft light. A receptionist is sitting on a desk, with a window looking into the waiting area. The doctor is just coming to work, since it is still only 8 AM
(Enter the doctor, and receptionist)
Receptionist
Doctor, Good morning, It Is nice to see you this morning
Jessi
Right…Now, who are you again???(Looks at her intensly)I don’t remember you
Lavern
Ummm, sir, you hired me yesterday, before you closed (Looks at him with a soft smile)
Jessie
Ahhh, right, Lavern was it? You caught me at the parade right?
Lavern
Yup, That is exactly where. Anyway, to do my job, you have someone to coming soon. New patient, his name is Stanly Artinum(gives the doctor a file) I just got that from his old doctor, with a note of warning
Doctor
(takes the note, and clears his throat) Dear Doctor Deptin, I have received word that a patient of mine wants to leave my office. So I have sent him to you. I would normally would have done anything to keep the patient in my hands, but this one is ALL your, I don’t want him, and so your stuck with him now. But to make things better for you, I will go ahead to tell you what he suffers from. The man has several personalities, and you never know which one will come to visit you. I gave him some medication that has thrown the number down to 2 personalities. One is when he is on his medication. He becomes irritable, and also he becomes deadly. I have lost a chair or two to him. But without his meds, he is confused, gullable, and suicidal we can put this, but he really just doesn’t know what will kill him, and what will not kill him. So this is why I send you this letter. I wish you the best of luck with that man, because you will definetly need it, to help you be able to live the next weeks. I hope to see you next year at the convention, buddy. Signed Jeffery Zellow
Lavern
Oh my, that seems horrible of that doctor to do
Jessie
Yes it is…When is my first person?
Lavern
Your next appointment is in an hour, with a mister Elstine, he has a problem with staying calm, and not clapping
Jessie
Perfect. That is just enough time to get Jeffery back for what he did
Lavern
What are you going to do to him sir?(she sat up, looking at her employer confused)
Jessie
I am going to have my sweet revenge on the man. And I will have a nice chat with him when we get to the convention next year(Laughs, as he walks over to his office, and walks out with a bottle of shaving cream, and a bottle of pills) There we go, a little old fashioned shaving cream attack, and them hit him with these pills. His fat eating will be his down fall
Lavern
Are those the diet pills that give a person diarrhea if they eat fat after words?
Jessie
Yes…that is exactly it. Diarrhea that will make a person lose in there butt cheeks from the very extent of the diarrhea(He beings to laugh again) I wont be to long. It the patient comes in early, tell him that I will be in shortly after 11.
Lavern
Yes sir, and would you like anything else
Jessie
I want you to get me some cookies, and some starbucks coffee
Lavern
Which starbucks? The one on the left, the right, the 2 on the block to the east, or the 4 on the block across the street from us?
Jessie
Go to the one that is the farthest on the other corner, they charge less if the blond is there, but if it’s a the guy with a hat, then go to the one across the street, they often give cookies free with a dopio
(Exit Jessie)
Lavern
Yes sir, right away
(Exit Lavern)
We see our dear brothers on the streets of Manhattan, taking a stroll around Central park. The wind blows some of the leaves off the trees, and onto the streets. The usual hot dog vendors are standing around, and the umbrella venders are hiding until it starts. And the bagel venders, they are hiding away from the scorching afternoon sun.
(Enter Louis, and Stanley)
Louis
Boy, it really is hot today, You start to wonder if global warming really is true, and not something made up by the government to make more money
Stanley
Its not that hot, the sun is just shining, and the wind is keeping us cool. So its nice, its very nice(Takes a deep breath)
Louis
That it is, fresh air, is aways nice, here in our city, the big apple
Stanley
What are you doing?
Louis
What do you mean what am I doing, I'm saying how much I love this city
Stanley
That’s what I mean, only tourist say that
Louis
Tourist? Oh no, not on that again, please no
Stanley
What do you mean? We are new Yorkers, and it should be know, and we should not be mistaken for tourist, not at all
Louis
I know that, but we really need to accept people from other places. This is not its own state
Stanley
What are you talking about? We can live perfectly without those other people, we don’t need anyone one else
Louis
What are we going to do for food? There is no way that we can be supported on fish that we catch in the river
Stanley
I can solve that problem, and another one at the same time (Walks over to a hot dog vender) Hello, I was wondering if I can have 3 hot dogs
Vender
That is $2 per dog, making it $6
(starts taking out the hot dogs)
Stanley
Here is 5, and thank you
(Sticks his hands out to get the hot dogs, and puts the money on the booth cart thingy)
Vender
I am sorry sir, but I do not need your 5, I want all $6, no more, no less
Stanley
Well, I want to have those hot dogs, and you tourist, is not going tell me what to pay
Vendor
I live in Brooklyn for your information, And in a nice neighborhood, so I am not a tourist
Stanley
You look like a tourist, now I want my hot dogs
Louis
What the hell is happening, Stanley, what are you trying to prove
Vender
That man is trying to swindle me into giving him 3 hot dogs for one dollar less
Stanley
It is not a dollar less, its exactly how much rat meat is worth
Louis
Rat meat? That’s a stupid myth
Stanley
Or is it? Why is it that you never see the rats where these guys are? Hmmmm? All the rats are in the Brooklyn and the Queens subway stations, and the roaches in the Bronx are a whole different story
Louis
Is this your idea of solving to problems? Working of the myth that this hot dogs are made of rats, and that we can kill them, and make our self survive on them?
Vendor
Sirs, I wish you to stop fighting, My hot dogs are nothing but pure, kosher meat
Stanley
Of course they are, cause the rats you use came from that synagogue over there(points to a big, wonderfully decorated building, that had the star of david there)
Louis
(giggling) That was a pretty good one
Vender
If you don’t want my hot dogs, fine, I have gyros from beef, as well as from lamb, and chicken (Starts to put the hot dogs into the heating tub)
Louis
That sounds like a good idea, I think Ill take the gyros. 2 beef gyros
Stanley
Are you crazy to the head? The beef comes from the over sized rats that come from the park. The lamb, well those are the fluffy, tree climbing rats.
Vender
Okay smart guy, then where does the chicken come from?
Louis
Please, don’t encourage him, I beg you
Stanley
Its to late. The chicken, well smartass, that comes from the fat, rats with wings, the ones that drop bombs on your cart, for killing someone of there own. And don’t you deny it, you know that it is right.
Vender
Forget this, Other sir, would you still like your food?
Louis
Well, not any more, not after the images that I have just seen
Stanley
It isn’t that bad, I mean, I didn’t go into what the rice is made from, or wha
Vendor
LEAVE MY CART IMMEDIATELY; I HAVE SEEN 4 PEOPLE LEAVE JUST NOW
Louis
Lets go, we don’t want to get into more trouble then what we are already in
Stanley
No, if this man wants to kick me out, he has to do it himself
Louis
No he doesn’t(Lousi takes his brother by the collar, and starts to pull him out)
Stanley
Just one punch, Just one, please can I just let one out?
Louis
(Hits his brother in a jewish manner, on the head)Shut up you stupid shmuck, I don’t want you to get arrested, or me, I don’t want to be arrested either
Vender
That’s right, control that beast of yours
Louis
WHOOAAAHH(He let go of Sta, and walked up to the vender) Where do you get the right to call him a beast?
Stanley
Ummm, Lou, calm down, you don’t want to be arrested, and you don’t want me arrested
Louis
Shut up Stanley, This is getting personal
Vendor
What are you going to do?
(Louis took the tub of hot dogs, and threw them on to the ground. In seconds, pigeons came from every corner, and another guy came up to the vender)
Vender 2
What are you doing you idiot(is talking to the first vender) We killed enough of these birds for the gyros this morning, we don’t need any more.
Vender
Do you really need to say that infront of people?
Vender 2
Just shut up, and start killing them, it saves ous the trouble, incase we run out today during rush hour.
Vender
What ever you say(he took a bat, and started to hit the birds, as Stanley and Louis walked away from the Hot dog cart as quickly as they can. Exit Louis, Stanley, Vender 1, Vender 2)
