|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 4:24 pm
You make a moment, I make two
You make a threat I run from you
I take a chance, and not a glance
I give a moment back to you
You dare to make me do bad things
I try to take away your wings
And in the end my shivers shudder
Sputter stop, and nothing uttered
All this foolishness alone
And never did we find a home
I cherish every awkward moment
But I'm not enough in love to show it
What will you do within this end
Stop the times and start again
Or will you wilt as I have done
And give no breath under the sun
In the end you don't decide
And so to leave
I try
i hide
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:23 pm
I was a little confused about what exactly you were trying to say, but the flow is nice. The one part that struck me as off was the last two lines in the third stanza, but I'm having trouble putting my finger on what I don't like, so it's probably nothing.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 5:56 pm
I love the flow! I really do.
The rhyme scheme is amazing...
I think is is very good,
but I have to agree that the end of the third stanza is a bit odd....
may be it is the balance of syllables???
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:30 pm
heheh... I've always written that way, I can't stand things to be too predictable- sorry all! xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
