Welcome to Gaia! ::

I've been writing short stories for a long time but recently I've gotten into poetry. I was thinking of trying out for the poetry slam team at school, but I need help with my pieces. I would love constructive critisim. This first piece is "My Truth About You"

And I when I say I miss you
I mean I miss who I used to be when I was around you
Or when you were around me
However you would rather have it
But none of it matters because
Nothing is here anymore
Except the faded passages of someone that loves
You
You haven’t quite figured this out yet
After all you’ve been through
Every second
Every second you stare at her is
A second you can’t blame her
Is a second you can’t blame me
Blame me for my dead heart
Every second you stare at her is a second
You realize it is neither of us that flawed you
Or ourselves
The perfection we were was destroyed by your touch
The glass innocence we carried was safe before you crashed into us, into our lives
Into my life
Which had held me safely above guilt and pain
But the arms broken by you cannot hold me any longer
And you refuse to hold me
So I fall
Without you
The adventurous dive to pain seems sharper without you
In hindsight I didn’t need you to cause me pain
In hindsight you never meant more than nothing to me
Although nothing was everything to me at one point
Where that time went I might never find out
But I know that fence I used to hate is all I long for
Caged for protection from the world
Crashes never happen on the inside
A fence that held me in a content ignorance
A fence I built for myself
That you crashed through
When you crashed into me
Steering me in a different direction then I ever planned
Crashing into me so hard that the impact alone sent me into shock
Shock that caused sweat and regret only heard of on the radio
Before now
Before you
But now
Choosing one thing to change is as impossible as choosing seven
Meeting was a mistake
If mistakes are miracles
If miracles can injure as much as they save
Define “save” again
As I brush the scars this phenomenon has created
Is a miracle supposed to kill you?
Or did you do this wrong?
Either and every way I’m marred, pinned, belittled
Destroyed
Hoping this continues forever because
What would I be without the pain placed within every breath?
I miss you.

Please, writers, tell me what you think.

Beginning of something else:

I feel dirty
I need to wash away you
And your touch
And any thoughts of it
You are a sin
But will God still love me
Even though I'm just the sinner
I fell in love with you
The sin
Which was untouchable and wrong.
I need to wash away the feeling of being touchable
And wrong

Great! I have a new piece I'm working on that will probably be on this thread in a day or two. It's great that you like the message too because most of my messages have been pretty similar lately. >.< Love, huh? It does crazy things. Thank you.

Okay, this is my newest piece. It's really rough so please give constructive critisim, I want to know how to make it better.
"Still Freshman"
You sit down on a railing looking over a balcony at the topmost part of the tower
we are suddenly in,
approximately one mile above the ground
We were always there
It was just a nice transition
You know?
Of course you do
You are a god
How could a lowly temptress such as me
Your dark, seductive poet
Ever question your knowledge?
When you fell
I screamed
And reached to save you
But you had wings
And didn’t need me
Just like you don’t need me now
Nothing has changed
You still lead me into
Beautiful, magical realms
Still entrance me
Much like I entrance you
With my poetry
Told only through my body
You still are the god
Pulling my strings as if I were a puppet
And I’m still a mystery to you
As if you never opened the case file
But everything is different
Because you broke the rules
And I disregarded your commandments
I asked you questions
And you told others answers
When did friends
Become more
And when did love
Become less?
Right.
I’m not supposed to question the works of the gods.

Untitled Work in Progress

I feel dirty
I need to wash away you
And your touch
And any thoughts of it
You are a sin
A sin that if tasted
Infects the body
A sin that destroys all of me
Will God still love me
Even though the sinner that
Fell in love with you
The sin
Which was untouchable and wrong.
Yet in reach
And so right
So perfect I could feel that rays of pure estacy dance across the parts of me you touched
So perfect I need it
I need you
The sin
I need what I cannot have and so
I need to wash away the feeling of being touchable
And wrong

Been a while since I've been here. Here's a work in progress.
"Black Pasts"

The ribbon tied around your wrist
Black much like the times it came from
Hold the pain in place
Press the memories tightly to your skin to remind you
That happiness is an illusion
A fleeting wish
You smile as she unravels it from you
As she traces her fingers over the imprint of the past left by the ribbon that carried everything with it.
You smile as you try to forget the pain
And start again
Start again
With her
You discard the ribbon on your floor
With old letters and feelings
Where most of your childhood now dwells.
The floor seems far away as she lifts you up, teaching you how to fly
Remember how the wind used to kiss when he took you to the skies?
Falling seems impossible with her,
Although it was with him too
Impossible to fall when held so close
The impossible to fly when let go.
Is the ground so far away that memories no longer haunt you?