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All my life, I've been told not to care what other people think. But it's rather hard to do that when everyone around you is giving you negative criticism and lots of it. I tried to start covering my head, by wearing kerchiefs for a few days. But everyone around me seemed to have a problem with it. My closest friends made fun of me, ridiculed me, and threatened to pull the kerchiefs from my hair. And that's to say nothing of what my father's reaction would have been if he had known why I was doing it.

My father is the type of person that would call me crazy, and tell all my relatives so. Once my relatives find out that I'm doing something that is no longer considered 'normal', I'll never hear the end of it. They're still on my case about something I did seven years ago! Don't get me wrong. My family loves me immensely, and they are proud of many of the things I do. But sitting around with a notebook to write stories in rather than playing with my cousins, or talking with my aunts? Unacceptable. I'm almost positive that headcovering would fall into their "out of the ordinary" catagory.

I want with all my heart to be able to wear the headcovering, but I fear that I will lose my friends, my close relationship with my family, and that I'll lose heart halfway through.

I've worn a kerchief or a very wide headband every day for the past three days. I'm trying with all my might not to cave this time, and just stop doing it. My friends know why I'm doing it, and they've come a little closer to being accepting of it. My sister, when I told her this afternoon, held something of a 'whatever' attitude. My little brother honestly couldn't care less. But I still don't know how to tell my father. My father and grandfather made fun of me at lunch the other day. They said I was getting ready to "fit in" during college (I plan to go to a college that happens to be in an area where those of the Amish faith are numerous). My grandfather kept calling me "Sarah" and "Rebecca", and greeting me mockingly, "Shalom".

And I couldn't bring myself to explain it to them.

Help me, please? I've prayed and prayed, but I just can't figure out how to tell them. I'm running out of ideas.

Maybe you could show your father pictures of fashionable women with kerchiefs and such and say, "Doesn't this look nice? I want one." It could get him used to the idea of it on other people, so that it's not just you doing it...

Plixy: I have tried to explain to them, but they don't seem to quite get it. My family, more than my friends. My friends are very slowly beginning to accept this. My father and family, not so much.

Cherry Sodah: It's worth a try, I suppose. I've not had many better ideas.

Poppy: I suppose I could try that. I've a great deal of trouble laughing at myself, but it's certainly something I'd do well to practice.

Thanks all. If nothing else, I'm going to have a week to think things over. My father's leaving on a business trip tomorrow night, so I won't see him for a few days.

Wow. As odd as it may sound, that really hit home for me. That really helped to put things into perspective. Thank you so much. ^_^

The way I've approached it with my family is that I've explained what it's for (Jewish women who are married cover their hair; and then I go into why). Then I explain why I've chosen to actually live by the tenets of my religion, which is simply that if I believe something and don't live according to what I myself think is right, then I lack integrity. Then, because most of my female relatives are big into fashion, I ask them to help me pick out which hat/cap/snood/scarf to wear with a given outfit, or decide which method to use when tying the scarf, or help me to pick out a new piece of headwear that will go well with a new shirt -- something they care about, that will interest them.

The few times someone really hassled me about it was at work in my old job. The boss made fun of it, and so I told her, "Mary, I would take it as a sign of a religiously tolerant workplace if you could see your way to avoid insulting my religious requirements or my fashion sense." She huffed a little, but the point was made. Then another person who didn't work there came in and was making fun and acting as if the fact that I cover my hair is somehow insulting to everyone else. I sensed it was getting a little tense, so I chuckled and said, "All this fuss over what, a little scrap of cloth? A dish rag?" and I let it go. Pretty soon, everyone else did, too.

But your family sounds like another matter. Honestly, I'm wondering why you need to explain it to them at all. Do you have a specific need to explain and have them understand and respect a choice based on the seriousness with which you view head covering? Or is it just that you want to have a nice conversation and that's the topic that's on your mind? Maybe it would serve your needs better just to tell them, "You know, it was either this or a new piercing, and frankly, this seemed less painful and more reversible if I change my mind later. Plus, I'm pretty much the only one who's wearing scarves, so it's cooler because I'm different. Anybody and everybody's getting piercings these days."

Ah, I see. Well, perhaps not talking about it would be the best thing, if you want to avoid a fight. Let him think it's just because you like the way the kerchiefs look. Or ask your best friend to wear one over to your house sometime so that you can say, "I liked the look of it and I wanted to try it myself."

But if you want to make it clearly about your religious convictions, then I'd suggest pointing out the passages in the Christian bible that tell women to cover, and why. Then ask your dad to point out to you the source of authority that rescinded that command, and ask where the authority came from that would enable someone to negate a scriptural command. If he can show you authoritatively that your deity gave someone the authority to contradict him, then you'll uncover. smile Fair enough?

Mind you, there's another commandment at work here, Tillanara. "Honor your father and your mother." I don't know how Christianity would deal with this, but in Judaism, if observing two commandments would put them into conflict, the one that comes first in the order of the scriptures takes precedence over the one that comes second. Therefore, doing as your father says in this matter should come before covering, since it comes first AND since you still live in his home. Once you're on your own, you'd be free to honor him by uncovering in his home, OR by explaining as respectfully as possible the reasons why you cover, but saying, "As a self-supporting adult, this is my choice. I hope that you can understand it, but if you can't, I hope that you can agree to be silent on the issue rather than making every family gathering focus on my hat rather than on the things we love about each other."

For now, though, you live in his home. Either you should do as he says, and simply wait until you're on your own to cover, or you should talk to him until he agrees to allow you to cover in a way that's fashionable, rather than in a way that marks you as decidedly set apart from what he considers normal society. He chooses not to look different from his surrounding society, and he must feel embarrassed when you do things that make yourself, and therefore him, stand out. Honor him by doing as he asks, for now.