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 Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 11:26 am
I used to post a lot here, a little while back, but I'm not sure if anyone here remembers me, or knows who I am anymore, so I guess I'll re-introduce myself here.
I'm Chelsea, I'm 15 years old, I'm a girl (despite the avi), and although the avvi is a little.. um, haha, exotic, I made it for the hell of it, since its a mule anyways.
Rants are in small font.
Anyways, I just don't even know whats wrong with me anymore. I used to try to "diagnose" myself, and tell myself I'm just depressed, or I'm just paranoid, or anti-social, or whatever it was. But I'm not even sure.
I used to be tough. Like, I could never cry. I could just suck it up and take it, and my life motto was honestly "stomach the pain, it'll all go away".
I dunno what happened..
Lately I can't stop ******** crying. Its pretty pathetic. Lately also doesn't mean like, this whole week, because if it was just this whole week, I'd blame it on my period, but its been like months now.
I dunno. Sometimes I think I have reasons to cry. I mean, I've been grounded all summer.. one of my best ******** friends is moving away, and hes been in cancun for about a week and I miss him so bad that it sucks, and I've had soo many dreams of him being in school with me in the fall that its been tough.
I've done nothing this summer. I've hung out with pratically no one, I haven't gone swimming much, which I love, I didn't stay upstate, which I always love to do, and I haven't seen anyone I hoped I would.
I actually got grounded twice (once because my friends parents called up my mom and told her I was smoking pot. Well, actually, I had to tell her, but this is a different issue, and I really don't want to talk about it), and then again when my mom caught me drinking (and my brother and my best friend, not the one I mentioned).
So that sucked, but, my best friend (kelly), is pratically part of my family, and me with her, so our parents got over it and trusted us a little bit and I can see her whenever I want. Actually, I'm pretty sure my family likes her more than me sometimes. Me and Kelly have issues.
First off, another reason I've been crying, is because my twin brother and Kelly started dating. I see this as a huge issue, and I wish to god that I didn't. (********, those ******** tears are starting). Ugh. This isn't something to cry about. My family tells me they make a good couple, and they've been ******** at each other for over a year. But it kills me that I had to hear about it from everyone but Kelly. Ugh. I mean, people see me and Kelly and tell us we're the best friends that are made for each other, which we are, we make a good team. But then she goes for my brother? Thats definetly crossing a best friend line. And the fact that everyone had to talk to me about it except Kelly. Ugh, it was sooo ******** annoying. She gave me all that crap about being able to talk to me, and then just wouldn't talk to me about it. That ******** hurt so bad, because it was soo obvious, and idk what the ******** she was trying to hide, and it just sucked so bad.
Ugh! And so she finally ******** talks to me about it, and like, that was a bad conversation. Obviously. I told her how much I was hurt, I told her its not cool, I told her, which she knew, that I'm not happy with it, I don't want her to go out with him, but honestly, its not my place to care about that, and I told her that, and I told her how they made me a 3rd ******** wheel sooo many times, and I wouldn't have minded soo much if they could have at least said ANYTHING.
But like, a year ago, he asked her out, and she told me about it, and I got really upset. I hate that I did, and I apologized, and tried to explain (but explaining is always useless), and shes like, been afraid of me ever since? Its so ******** up.
This is a block o text already, and I know no ones gonna read this, and I'm so not even close to being finished here.
ok.
well, so that sucked, and that makes me upset like, every day of my life, and they're off dating and being happy, and I'm stuck here with like, nothing.
Seriously. I mean, I've ditched so many friends for that girl, and shes ditched friends for me. We have like no friends we hang out with but each other becuase we always hung out, but, now she has my brother, and that leaves me with..?
Ok, so I don't have NO ONE. If my mom doesn't want to be a huge b***h she might let me go out at 5, to hang out with my friend who I'm supposed to be hanging out with RIGHT NOW. Ugh, and I have Rob and Erica, but they never actually call me, just talk about calling me and tell me later. And Kat and people but, like, its different. And Chris is moving away, so I can't see him, and my mom doesn't let me go places.
So yeah. I guess I cry because I'm lonley, and pathetic.
I don't have a boy, which is always sad. I have a pathetic love story, and I have a boy I'm waiting to see and hes waiting to see me.. but realistically, thats not happeneing.
My problem isn't only that I cry. I mean, thats pretty much my biggest issue, but, its not really it.
My parents think I don't eat, which is so stupid, and my parents are ******** crazy.
I do eat, I eat too much sometimes, or sometimes not enough. I also happen to be stick thin, because all my fat goes to my a** and my legs, and, uh EVERYONE ON MY MOMS SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS STICK ******** THIN!
and yet.. they think I'm starving myself?
ugh, they're so dull.
Ugh, one time, I ******** ate breakfast with my mom, and my brothers being stupid and is like, "CHELSEA DIDNT EAT BREAKFAST", and my mom went beserk, adn was like WHAT? YOU DIDNT EAT BREAKFAST? and I couldn't even like.. I couldn't say anything.
So my parents are crazy. I hate my dad. Hes an a*****e, blah blah blah, hes mean to my mom all the time, I wish she'd leave him, but honestly, he could be worse, he could hit us, he could yell all the time instead of hiding from us, but, whatever. He could be worse.
My moms in denial that anyone has a problem, EXCEPT ME.
I'm the drug addict (looking past my sisters clear view bongs, looking past my sisters suicide attempt, seeing past all that, I'm the problem child)
that was a long time ago, but now I'm "turning into her"
oh yeah, she couldn't get any degree in college though she went for 3 years, shes a waitress, shes gonna be 23 in 4 days, and shes moving out by the end of the month.
Shes kind of a bum, but, shes not THAT bad.
Oh, and I've gotten dentention twice (both for really good reasons!), so obviously I'm the dirtbag. I'm failing classes I've ALWAYS been doing bad in, and whose surprised high school made it so much harder for me? Its obviously cuz of the drugs. Not like I ever did bad before. Ugh.
So my parents are kind of insane and its driving me nuts, I think.
I've lost all my energy. I wish I could sleep forever, but then I get so disgusted with myself.
Some days I get so happy. I was soo happy like, an hour ago. But its so gross that I feel like s**t all the time.
anyways I'm going out and I've forgotten what this rant is about.
I don't honestly expect anyone to have read this through.
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 11:27 am
THIS POST WAS QUITE POINTLESS, SO IF YOU WANNA READ A SOB STORY, GO AHEAD.
(I don't have the energy to delete it andstuff.)
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 9:51 pm
I'm not sure exactly what to say about all of that... but I wanted to post just to let you know that I read it... and that if you need to rant, I'm always here to listen.
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:02 pm
I read it too, and i have to say its somewhat good that you acknowledged that you have a sorta big small problem, well actually more like a big big problem.
First off, dont drink. Drown yourself in soda instead, its still not that good, all that sugar, but its far better than being a 15 year old and drinking alcohol right?
Which brings me to this. Your 15, changes like this were bound to happen, friends moving, friends growing apart, and feeling like your parents dont understand along with anyone else. Your also in high school so under peer pressure you tried things that are labeled bad for people, drinking, smoking weed, not helping a cat out of the tree.
I know you expected to hear this, but its always good to get help, from a outsider like a counselor at a different school, or if your up for it, your own school. And if you dont want help, its always better to tell people this instead of writing it down and betting that no one would read it, because you think your story isnt worth it.
Well if you dont want to ask any real people out there in the real life, people like me, Nikolita and others are always available to pm and talk to.
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Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 9:50 pm
thanks.
i never finished the rant.
i meant to say that I get mad at everything, and that I can just hate everything in the entire world, and then just get over it, and its kinda crazy.
I dunno why I wrote this though, I was in a bad mood, and started crying for no reason.
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Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 11:01 pm
Its good to cry for no reason, what is the bad thing is knowing when you feel like crying, yet not crying at all.
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Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 8:21 am
vineco Its good to cry for no reason, what is the bad thing is knowing when you feel like crying, yet not crying at all. Agreed... It happens to me quite often now.
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Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 6:06 pm
I feel like crying now, but I know I can't.
I dunno, I kinda just got like, one final blow, so I'm pretty much done.
Like, I'm so numb.
But not numb like, ignorant dumb
more like the painful kind you get with pins and needles.
Ugh, this is tough.
And I know you say I shouldn't drink, but heres the way I see it.
I'm either gonna drink until I can deal,
or I'm gonna take my dads vikadin until I can heal,
or I'm gonna cut my thighs until I think I'm dealing.
I really think drinking is the best option, because it ******** cheers me up and makes me forget that much ******** you if your gonna tell me I'm going to be an alcoholic,
I just hate trying to deal with s**t sober.
If I can't think straight in the first place, I might as well have a good enough excuse.
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:59 am
Cutting... Drugs... alcohol... done all of that to try to heal, deal, cope, whatever... Doesn't work. All it does is prolong the healing process.
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:26 pm
im fully aware but i've yet to find a better alternative.
whatever, i'm feeling a little better.
i cried on the phone to my friend, and so this is the first day i haven't cried in a while
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