One day, a fine morning - truly a wonderful morning, the sun blazing in the sky, the orb of life - Aura woke in bed, absolutely crippled in pain in her lower region.
The doctor examined her, and took many tests, and Aura wasn't really paying much attention to him as she was sleepy and giggly from the seditives and the pain killers. Ruli, also, was playing hide-and-go-seek when they came in, so she could see his little innocent fathomless eye poking out of the heavy night-drapes near the window. Naturally, she'd have a lot of explaining to do...
But not now.
~*~
Aura woke up again with a blinding headache. Her lower region was aching again - which was really weird, considering that her monthy was a week ago at least.
Four doctors and quite a few nurses - and little Ruli at her feet, though no one except one excitable woman was paying any attention to him (and she knew why, she knew they assumed she had made him, being a toymaker) - were crowded around her bed with long solemn faces.
She didn't like those faces. Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her again?
She blinked her eyes rapidly.
No go. They were still there, and still very somber.
"Wh-what? Am I going to die?" She wasn't afraid of death - no. Well, yes. Yes, she was, but she was a Phoenix too, and didn't need to be afraid.
However, she was afraid of pain. And being crippled. She'd kill herself before she lived permenently crippled.
"Yes and no," said one doctor, after a group hesitation. He was round like a ball, and would have been comical if not for his answer. "You have ovarian cancer, Miss Aura. It's spreading to all your female nodes."
Wh-what? Wait.
WHAT?
"How... What? What?"
"I thought he was quite clear," said a snobbish nurse, her nose pointed up like a pig's snout. "You have a serious tumor. We can remove it, but we'd also have to remove everything that makes you a female."
And that was when Aura fainted, Ruli climbing into her lap worriedly as the doctors left.
He didn't like this at all. He didn't understand the old people in weird skins (they talked too fast), but Aura seemed like she was really sick. Like that time she said she had the flew. Vinn flewen zah.
It made her sleep like this, too.
He curled up next to her and took a nap. He liked naps. Especially when he woke up with Aura hugging him.
It made him feel like he never had to worry.
~*~
Aura woke again. Ruli was hiding, sleeping, under the scratchy blankets. Two doctors were here this time.
"We're going to give you a choice," one said, after they filled her in on the details of her cancer.
"We can remove everything and try to make you into a woman again, but you will have fake breasts and fake ovaries and... well, fake everything. And you'll have to take hormone shots-"
She stopped him.
"What's my other choice?" She asked, with an almost vinditive tone.
"Well... " The other doctor, in green scrubs, spoke this time, sounding hesitant. "We can take everything out and make you into a man. You'd be a very pretty man, and you're a stick anyway, begging your pardon. And you'd have a better chance of never getting cancer again if we do this."
Aura felt like she had been hit by a truck.
"Couldn't I get that poison treatment, or radiation, or something?" She asked breathlessly, grasping at thin air for a way out.
Both doctors looked at each other, trying to decide who should answer.
"Well... " said Mr. Green Suit, in his annoyingly dragging voice. "There are just too many places with cancerous cells. It would cripple you forever to even try."
Great, she thought. Just great.
So I can either become a nothing, a fake woman, or I can become a man, or I can become a crippled woman.
Choices.
She looked at Ruli. The little boy - if he could be called a boy - was curled up against her thigh, fast asleep.
This would erase my fears of getting pregnant, or raped, she thought. If I were a man, I'd be faster and stronger, too.
What am I thinking? This is absurd. Me, a man?
I'm a woman! I have been a woman forever!
Think of Ruli, Aura. If you want to be able to have him grow up right, you could get a better job as a man, and do the same toymaking on the side.
No period, no weakness. No sexism.
And I won't be crippled.
I will be able to protect Ruli. And myself, too.
She made up her mind.
"Make me a man," she said, trying to joke, but the chuckle caught in her throat in a rush of bile.
~*~
Two days past slowly as they got ready for the gender-changing surgery, and the many hormonal treatments that would follow. Since Aura was technically insane, the doctors explained, they had to be very careful with the hormones. If they overloaded her, it might kill her.
She wasn't afraid of that. She was afraid, yes, but that wasn't what she was afraid of.
Ruli could sense her fear, the night before the surgery. They were curled up together on the bed, her last night as a woman. She played with his braid, coaxing it free of it's bonds and running her fingers through his purple hair.
Ruli looked up at her, past those strange small mound on her chest that other high voiced figures had. He was always confused about them.
"Aura, you scare." He said simply. It wasn't a question - which was very strange for Ruli, as his default sentence was an inquiry of some sort.
She looked down at him with large dark eyes, all crinkled around the forehead, and looking more scared than she ever had looked. Without answering him, she took a huge gasping breath, and nodded.
He hugged her. "Don' be scare. I is here."
Something wet was on Ruli's head, but he didn't really notice it.
~*~
It was today.
Aura woke, which wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to fall asleep and then they would knock her out and do the surgery.
But for whatever reason, whatever thing she had left undone and her sick mind had taken note of, she was awake now.
Ruli was watching her with those clouded eyes. They seemed clearer, lately.
She suddenly had a maddening urge to try and explain everything to the boy she had come to call her own - her worries, her fears, and of course what exactly was to happen.
But she wasn't sure he'd understand, and that was what held her tongue last night, too.
But she didn't care now, not now that she was going to become a man the next time she woke.
"Ru... Ruli. You know I'm a woman, right?" She shivered, her voice remarkably steady. Well, no, it wasn't. But they could pretend it was.
He nodded, a cloudy look phasing through those bug-like eyes.
"Well, something is wrong with the things that make me a woman. So... So the scrubs -" that's what Aura always called doctors and nurses of any kind, especially if she didn't like them " - the scrubs are going to make me into a man instead. But I won't change. My appearance will, but I won't change - I won't!" Her voice rose in crescendo, reaching a flaming brand of a yell that installed a little edgy spirit and courage back into her flickering heart.
He looked confused. Ruli always looked confused, but he seemed even moreso confused now.
"So you guy now?"
She shook that mane of red hair. "No, but in a day or so I will be. Now. When they come and take me, I want you to hide in the bathroom. Don't come out unless you are really hurting, okay?"
Ruli nodded slowly. He could understand her orders - they made sence. Somehow he could understand the need not to be taken away.
And then a key jingled in the lock, and Aura's insides turned to ice as she hugged her child one last time.
~*~
Ruli made a toddling sprint for the bathroom. There was one hiding spot they always used - the vent. Ruli's tiny fingers could easily pop out the lower vent, and he was small enough to fit in a little bit of a squeeze. It wasn't for long, anyway - usually he was only in there for a few hours tops.
Just until the scrubs went away.
He could hear voices. The scrubs talked in a weird words that he couldn't understand. He admired Aura for being able to converse with them.
Though he couldn't hear her conversing now.
He hear them leave, every last one of them, and the clicking of the lock - somehow much louder than Aura's yells.
He clambered out, shivering slightly. He knew he could at least wander around the bathroom without worry - no one was there.
And that was when Ruli realized that he was alone - truely alone.
He didn't know if Aura would ever be back. He wasn't too sure what a day was. He thought it may have to do something with the light and warmth from the window, and the things on the scrubs wrists, but he never was really clear on that.
It hit him with a sharp, clear pang, like swollowing an icecube - he was lonely. He didn't like being alone.
He missed Aura, missed that nice scent that was always around her. Miss that feeling of not needing to worry.
Hours past, and no one came in. He watched the light, as he usually did, and knew that it had only one more colour to change before it got into the dark grey and black of night. It was the colour red, but it was warm and Aura-like. All the light around this time reminded him of Aura, but this last one was the one he had been really waiting for.
Suddenly, just before it was about to change, a jangling of key came from the doorway.
A spike of irrational panic clouded his mind with confusion, and he was cross-eyed for a moment, trying to remember what he was supposed to do.
Then he got up - just in time, if he'd known it - and ran as only a toddler can into the bathroom, into the hiding vent, as people came in.
He snuck it on and backed up so that they wouldn't see him. He was angry, though, and hoped that whoever it was would hurry - he was missing the Aura light time.
He could tell it was two girls by the sounds they made. They were chatting about a ser-geh-i or something, and probably were just cleaning up the room. He found it a little easier to understand them, but he had trouble keeping up with their speech - they talked so quickly!
He caught Aura's name, once or twice, and was aggrivated - a new emotion, and surprised and confused at where it had surfaced from in his passive little heart - that he couldn't understand them.
Finally, FINALLY, they left. He nearly broke the rusty vent in his haste - maybe he could still catch the last of it, the last of Aura!
But when he had come to the door, he knew it was no use. It was darkness-time outside. The lightness-time was gone.
And so was Aura.
Ruli wept, and wished the door wasn't locked.
~*~
He woke.
This was rather strange in itself, for he had never woken as a man before. It was always as a woman.
But Aura was no longer a woman. He actually didn't figure this out for a couple of minutes after waking - he didn't open his eyes - but when he realized that he was no longer a woman it came as a shock. He check his opinions, his memories - all still the same.
He felt like he had gone into a deep sleep after they had masked her, and nothing had changed - except...
There was a weight from his chest missing. It seemed to be in between his legs.
He opened his eyes. Recovery room ceiling met them, and he was glad to know that at least his vision wasn't hazy.
He tried to sit up. It wasn't working well.
Tried to look to the side - wasn't working either.
A face appeared above his head. It was girlish and looked nurse-y.
"You're coming to, are you? Mr. Aura?"
Mr.? Mister? Watch who you're calling Mister, you bimbo!
I am a mister.
But Aura wasn't a Mister, she was a Miss. Miss Aura.
Tears stung his eyes. He was Aura, but not in that sense anymore.
He'd take on a new name and be himself.
...But what?
Take the name of your ancestor, something told him. Astrum, the first Phoenix of your clan. The one you've always admired for his strength.
Astrum, that's my name now. Astrum.
Astrum Aura, that'll be my name, because I'm still Aura in here, in my mind.
And he closed his eyes with that satifying thought, and fell to sleep.
~*~
He woke again, with a clearer mind this time.
Astrum still felt the same, but now a little sore - everywhere.
He hoped this didn't mean that the painkillers were wearing off.
He opened his eyes, and tried to sit up again. No go, though - he was still being held down.
A different face - a scrub, this time - was peering at him.
The man's eyes brightened considerably when Astrum's own dark ones - he assumed that they were dark, still - focused on his. "Ah! Good. You should be able to move back to your room today, if you are rested enough."
The face disappeared, and Astrum heard straps being taken off. The restraints, probably.
"There," said a voice from near him, "you can sit up."
Astrum did so, lactic acid pooling in his abs and making it painful to sit up. He managed, though.
He looked around. The recovery room was such a weird room. No windows, only one door, no dirty vents.
He shivered, and shook himself. "I'm a little cold." His voice was a very very little deeper - but surprisingly normal. At most, it could be called hoarse.
The scrub nodded, wrapping a wooly blue blanket around his shoulders. "That's natural, after surgery. Especially serious, like yours."
Astrum nodded, and then hesitated before asking, "Am I cured, then?"
The doctor nodded gladly. He was like a great big golden retreiver, eager to please and easy to be pleased. "It all went off without a hitch. You are completely cancer-free."
Astrum nodded again.
Then suddenly, panic clawed it's way up his throat. "Can... Can I please go back to my own room? Rul- I mean, I don't feel safe here."
Mr. Blue Scrubs thought about it - he was one of those annoying people where you can really tell when they are thinking something over - and finally nodded.
Astrum slipped off the bed, standing on wobbly legs. They were girly - in face, they were her legs.
Surprised, he walked - it felt the same, a little lacticly painful, except for... well, that. That would take some getting used to.
They both made it back to her room - his room, now - without a hitch. He was stationed back in bed with the promise of many checkups and hormone treatments all through the week and the month.
He wasn't really listening. He was waiting for them to go so he could get Ruli out to inspect the damage.
The scrub left. Finally.
"Hey, Ruli, come out - it's me!" He called softly, standing up again and wandering into the bathroom.
Ruli was sitting on the toilet seat - the lid was down - and he looked like he had just bee bawling his eyes out. Fear and worry and an enigma flowed from the little body - and the first and last sharpened unexpectedly as Ruli turned his eyes onto Astrum.
"Who-who you?"
Astrum grew afraid. "I'm ... Astrum Aura. I'm Aura, but I've changed my name to Astrum now."
Ruli didn't understand. Astrum Aura tried another tactic.
He came up to Ruli as one would to a beaten puppy. "Ruli, I swear, it's me... I love you, please don't be scared..."
Ruli didn't look so afraid anymore, but rather very confused. "Aura?" He asked. "Aura now guy so take new name?"
Astrum nodded fervently. "Yes! Yes, Ruli, that's exactly it."
Ruli smiled. "So you Aura Astrum?"
Astrum opened his mouth to correct him - but to his surprise, he didn't need to. Ruli was giggling.
"Joke, Astrum."
Astrum was stunned. How long, exactly, had he been out?
"You've grown up without me," he said in a near sob, hugging the boy as he would have hugged him as a she.
Ruli hugged back. "I miss Aura," was all the little toddler said.
Astrum shared his sentiments, exactly.
~*~
Two months and about a bajillion hormone treatments later, both Astrum and Ruli were discharged from the hospital - and were, strangely enough, free of debt. The government had paid for it all as funding for sex change research. And since Miss Aura didn't exist anymore, neither did her debts weigh on Astrum Aura's heart.
A kindly donation had been given to Astrum himself from the government and various transgender organizations. It was enough to start a new life on.
But not here, maybe. Not in this city, with it's memories of being a woman.
Perhaps in another city, another address. Another toyshop.
Another life, with the same two constants - his mind, and Ruli.
Ruli, the light of his life and the mystery that he hoped would follow him forever, that had stuck by him through all this - that had only twice ever been outside of a hospital before and did not know what on earth it would be like - would be with him, where-ever he went and whatever he did and whenever he felt he couldn't take one more step for himself.
Ruli would be his reason.
