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first part of my fic please comment

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narikokutsune

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 9:47 am


this is my first fic so it's not that good please comment heart


Ino waited outside class A-1
A. For her best friend Hinata hyuga B. for school
Heartthrob sasuke uchiha who every girl in school had
A crush on well … not EVERYONE Hinata was most likely the only girl who
didn’t drool over the uchiha boy
“ Waiting for someone ino-san?” said a girl with short pink hair sakura
“sasuke perhaps?” “ No… I’m waiting for Hinata” “ … you’re making a big
mistake because sasuke-kun is waiting or me” the girl couldn’t take a hint
“ leave me alone sakura!” “Humph.” Sakura said leaving ino alone at last with
everyone’s eyes on here as usual sakura was the prettiest girl in school not the
most popular but the prettiest which suited her just fine all the boys loved her and did favors for her all the girls wanted to be her a least until she got rejected from sasuke sure she was pretty and could have any guy EXECPET sasuke he had rejected sakura 300 time “ sasuke why won’t you go out with me?” make that 301 times “ looks like sakura-san got rejected again” said a small shy girl with long blue hair “ hmm…” replied ino to her best friend Hinata as she stepped outside the class room “ ready to go?” asked ino “ almost I just have to pick something up at the office do you want to go with me?” Hinata asked “ I’ll wait here” said ino walking towards the heartbroken sakura “ okay Meet me at the front!” shouted Hinata as she walked in the direction of the office “okay” yelled ino “ are you okay sakura?” “ What do you think?” replied sakura in venom like voice; “I’ll just leave you alone then” ino said walking backwards ‘she can be scary when she doesn’t get what she wants’
“ Watch out ino!!”

more will come if you like it
PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 3:37 pm


I think it's good so far but could use some improvement. I hope you don't mind but it would be better if you space out the dialogue more like this

"Waiting for someone Ino-san?" said a girl with pink haired Sakura.

More detail would be helpful and maybe a summary is needed.

ShinningLight
Vice Captain

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Fanfiction Forum (Show off your amazing writing ability and get some help)

 
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