Please critique!^^
The hot sticky blood filled his mouth as he bit in to the base of his prey’s neck. He could taste the clean blood that had traces of herbs in it. The prey would have fallen to the ground if the vampire had not been holding its arms in a death grip. He no longer could get any blood from the victim’s body so he let it fall to the hard, cold wood floor. The vampire strode causally out of the hotel room pleased with his meal. The moon was a full snow moon that shone brightly, piercing the night sky in the shady town of Mikadzuki where it used to have no moon on any night of the year. Ever since it showed itself, there have been crimes happening all over at night.
A girl of only about fifteen sat atop a roof looking at the white moon. The girl wore a white short-sleeved shirt with a long black one with a hood on it. Her jeans were tattered at the knees. Her straight hair was black, and her skin was pale in the light of the moon. Something was casting an unseen shadow on her like death waiting to take her hand and leading her safely to the after life.
“Naito it’s time to come in!” a male voice came from below.
Naito got up and climbed down to her balcony where her brother Keimei stood waiting. He wore black pajama bottoms; his hair was jet black like his sisters. His bare skin was just as pale as hers was. He wore no shirt for the fact that he was going to bed.
“Hey Keimei are you going to bed this early?” She smiled.
He ran his fingers threw his hair. “Obviously. Moreover, it is late. You have been up there for four hours, so get to bed,” he laughed. “I would let you stay there for as long as you like, but with the recent crimes going on around here, that’s not going to happen.”
“Night,” She hugged him, breathing in his scent of oil and metals. “See you in the morning!”
Naito ran inside while Keimei stared out over the city until he decided it was time to go in. He walked down the dark hall to his sister’s room and opened the door. Looking in, he saw her sleeping, curled up in a ball, making him chuckle silently. Naito’s room had white walls, a black carpet, black trimming and blue sheets on the bed.
Keimei yawned. “Better get to bed.”
In his room, he turned on his music so he would not have to hear his sister when she got up and crawled into bed. His room was the opposite of his sister’s but his bedding was a dark green.
Naito crawled out off bed and tip toed into the hall towards the balcony and climbed back on to the roof into the light of the moon. She sat down and stared out at the darkened town, no lights were on nor was there any sign of life. A pale figure approached Naito as she stared out past the town into darkness of the neighboring forest. The figure had no shadow. No heart. He only felt the need for blood, though he was pleased by the meal earlier. He wanted more then what that human could give him. The figure approached Naito as two other figures started to appear. Naito stood up and looked around, but she saw nothing.
“Keimei is that you?” She asked into the darkness and got no reply.
One of the figures stood behind her with a raised hand. He hit a pressure point, making her go unconscious. Darkness enclosed her as she fought to stay awake, but the darkness was too overwhelming. She lost.
Naito awoke in a cement room. She was drenched in sweat from the humid heat that entered through a barred window. A girl in a white dress with a black flower pattern sat hugging her knees staring at Naito. The girl’s hair was copper and shoulder length. One side covered her left eye while the right side was pinned up, showing her grey emotionless eye.
“You're awake... I was wondering if you had died from the heat,” the girl said in a quiet voice.
“Who are you?” Naito asked.
“Hakumei I am Hakumei Ntan," Hakumei replied. “May I ask who you are?”
“My name is Naito Shitsunen.” She smiled. “Where are we?”
“I don’t know, but it gets cold at night sometimes.” Hakumei paused. “Look out the window.”
Naito looked out and saw flat land with tons of rocks spread through out it. She could also see the heat waves leave the grounds surface. She gazed at the never-ending land with no thoughts entering her mind. Knocking on the concrete door brought her out of the trance.
A young teenager with pale skin walked in. He was wearing a white long sleeve shirt and plain jeans, and his hair was chestnut with a lighter shade at the tips.
“I hope I didn’t disturb you,” he mumbled as he stared at the ground, not looking up. “Would you two like something to eat?”
Naito stood there staring at the boy.
“Seishuku, why are you so shy?” Hakumei asked. “Oh yes that would be nice.”
“Umm, do you want some food?” Seishuku asked nervously.
“Huh, oh no sorry, but I’m not hungry.” Hakumei glared at Naito. “Thank you for asking.”
Seishuku started to leave. “What! Get something for her. She just woke up, and she might go into shock at any moment,” Hakumei said quickly but some how he understood what she said and left. “Naito you should eat and you shouldn’t be rude!”
Naito’s eyes looked lifeless as she stared out over the desolate land. “I wasn’t trying to be rude. I’m just not hungry. If it will make you happy, I’ll apologize when he comes back.”
Hakumei stared at her wondering what kind of person Naito was before she ended up here. “Do you have any family where you came from?”
She didn’t answer for a while. “Yes only one. He smelt of oil, metals and once in awhile grease and gunpowder,” Naito eyes became saddened but they still looked lifeless. “My brother, Keimei, is twenty-five. He taught me everything I know, and his friends would help.”
“You don’t really have anything to go home to then do you when others have whole families.” Hakumei mumbled.
Something in Naito snapped. “I have just as much to go home to as you do! Maybe more, but we will never know since everyone in Mikadzuki is like family to me!” she yelled still staring out the window, but now with eyes full of anger. “Don’t ever think you have a larger family then anyone else just because you have a biological one.”
Hakumei sat there wide-eyed as her heartbeat slowed and her breathing returned to normal. The way Naito’s eyes just became full of life scared her and how quickly she could be angered. “S-sorry I didn’t k-know.”
Naito ignored her as she sat down and fell asleep.
Seishuku came in with food and sat it on the floor. He noticed Naito’s sleeping body. “Did she go into shock and die?”
“No I just scared myself by angering her. Have you ever seen any one's eyes become full of life instantly?” She sighed grabbing a sandwich. He didn’t answer. “Good... it’s very scary.”
“So she just fell asleep there?” He asked.
“When I was apologizing,” she laughed. “I chewed her out for being rude, and she said she would apologize when you came back.
“Hmm, but she wasn’t being rude,” Seishuku tilted his head to the side. “Well, tell her I said she should at least take a bite.”
“Is Makai going to be back soon?” she asked worried.
“In a week. Why,” He sighed.
“Naito... she’s well different. Her eyes look lifeless when she stares out over the land. You know him. Just think of what kind of damage he could do,” Hakumei whispered. “He could destroy her.”
“I’ll see if I can get a permanent change here before he gets back.” He looked at Naito. “I have to get going.” She nodded as he turned and left slamming the door as he went.
Seishuku half ran up the stairs as he went to the Bachiatari to see if he could get a permanent change to Block 10. The Bachiatari is made up of fifty of the strongest vampires that lead the rest equally. A huge plain metal door stood open at the top of the stairs. Seishuku entered the darkened room where twenty-five people sat in a semi-circle talking.
“Excuse me, milords, but I have come to ask something of you,” Seishuku’s voice echoed throughout the room.
“Speak Seishuku, now or leave and feed yourself,” one of them said.
“I wish to permanently change from Block 150 to Block 10,” he said, raising his voice.
“But what of Makai what Block will he be changed to?” a lean black haired man that looked about fifty asked.
“We will wait 'til his return in three weeks,” another said. “Will that work for you Seishuku?”
“Three weeks,” Seishuku mumbled to himself astonished. “Yes that will be fine.”
He left with out another word rushing down the stairs to a long dark corridor where he sat down thinking about what he was going to do. First, I could ask Makai if he could take over Block 150, second I could kill myself for being so stupid or just stay away from him if he’s mad. Slowly, he got back up, walked ten doors down to his room and entered. The room was concrete with a bed made out of blankets on the floor under the window was barred. Seishuku plopped down on the bed cross-legged and leaned on the wall.
Naito was awoken suddenly by the noise the door made when it opened. Seishuku entered with two plates of food. She sat there pretending to sleep.
“Good morning Hakumei hope you slept well.” He smiled. “Did she eat any?”
“No. She just slept after you left,” Hakumei paused. “What did they say... the Bachiatari?”
Seishuku sighed. “They will think about it when Makai comes back in one day.” He looked at Naito. “I hope for her sake that I get the change.”
“I thought he was coming back in a week, not tomorrow.” She shook her head.
“What do you mean by for my sake?” Naito asked curious.
Hakumei jumped while Seishuku turned to look at Naito.
“You were awake the whole time.” He laughed. “You’re different, which could be troublesome.”
“Why would it be troublesome?”
“When you look out the window your eyes look lifeless,” Hakumei answered.
“They always look lifeless when I stare out at things,” Naito raised an eyebrow. Hakumei was about to say something but Naito continued. “My brother said it scarred him, but he got use to it.”
“Why is it that your only family is your brother?” Hakumei asked.
“My mom left shortly after I was born and my father died from a gun shot in the head.” She smiled sadly.
“Where did you live?” Seishuku asked.
“In Mikadzuki.” Naito smiled. “Everyone is nice there!”
“Seishuku come here!” a voice on the other side of the door hollered. “He’s back; the Bachiatari will make their decision once you are up there and bring the two that are in there!”
“The Bachiatari?” Naito repeated the name.
“Come on follow me... and please don’t try to escape Naito,” Seishuku sighed as he opened the door.
“I’m not stupid,” she mumbled.
He exited the room, and they followed him down a corridor that had a staircase at the end of it. Two guards with golden colored chain mail and a leather belt that held two swords stood at the foot of the stairs, they nodded to the three of them when they passed. The stairs spiraled upwards towards the entrance to the Bachiatari’s chamber.
Inside stood a lean young men with red hair that had black tips, his black short sleeve shirt showed his arm muscles and his red orange shorts went down to his knees. He wore no shoes. The man turned around as they entered, his purple eyes were soft and caring showing no sign of the bloodlust that filled the air like a blanket smothering all around.
“Seishuku it’s nice to see you and Hakumei.” The young man smiled. “Who is this young lady Seishuku?”
“That young lady is Naito.” Seishuku smiled back. “It’s good to have you back, Makai.”
Naito stared out one of the windows into the sky. Her eyes looked lifeless again, and Makai seemed to notice.
“Hmm, she’s interesting.” Makai grinned.
“How am I interesting?” Naito asked looking at Makai with blank eyes.
“You’ve lost all will to live already, that’s how.” His grin grew.
“You’re wrong. My eyes can be deceiving, so I wouldn’t trust them if I were you.” She smiled kindly. “If I wanted to, I could have escaped already.”
“Oh really? I would love to see you try to succeed. It would be a great show,” Makai laughed. “What is your whole name?”
“Why should I tell you?” she said sweetly.
“Silence!” one of the Bachiatari shouted.
“We have decided that the both of you will share Black 10,” another sighed. “Naito, Hakumei tell us what you like to do please.”
“I like to work with things,” Hakumei mumbled.
“Naito what about you?”
“I like to stare into the dark at night,” she said simply.
“You all may leave except for Makai and Naito,” someone said from out of nowhere.
“As you please Shai,” Seishuku bowed.
Seishuku and Hakumei left with out another word.
“Will the rest of you leave us I want to talk to these two alone?” Shai requested.
All the Bachiatari got up and left the room through a highly decorated door with gemstones.
Shai was paler then the other vampires and he wore a plain blue shirt and plain jeans, his hair was silver, but he looked at least twenty.
“Naito, why do you stare out into the darkness?” Shai asked.
“I haven’t been able to sleep ever since the moon showed itself in Mikadzuki where I grew up,”
“Hmm, is that the real reason, or is there something else that is hidden even from you?” He smiled. “Makai, this young girl’s whole name is Naito Shitsunen.”
“Hmm, she is very interesting indeed.” Makai grinned. “We’ll get along great.”
Shai breathed out loudly. “Calm yourself before you do something stupid.”
“So what if that’s my name?” Naito sighed.
“It means you could be the one we are looking for, but that is yet to be determined,” both men explained in unison. “Time for you to go back to your room.”
Makai escorted Naito out of the room and down the stairs before he turned to her. He looked around quickly then pulled something out of his pocket. The object was of the finest metals with something engraved in it. Hitting it against his wrist, he pulled out a blade that had the same inscription.
“I’ll give you the hilt later when I think it’s a necessary,” he said opening the door for her, “In the meantime you be a good girl and listen to what we tell you.”
She stared at him for a moment then went inside voluntarily shutting the door behind herself. Naito went straight for the window ignoring Hakumei as she brought the blade and dug it into the mold that held the bars in place. The bar she was working on came loose so she started working on another when that one was loose she continued moving from one bar to another until there were no bars left in the window.
“Naito what in the world are you doing?” Hakumei asked, “Do you not realize that we are in the middle of nowhere?”
A vicious grin spread across Naito’s face. “No, this once was a lake but it’s all dried up now…” her voice trailed off as she pondered, “I can easily find my way home with out getting caught.”
Hakumei stared at her in disbelief at what she was saying. “Makai will kill you if he finds you…once you are out of sight I’ll tell them that you escaped.”
Naito shook her head at Hakumei wanting to argue but decided against it. She placed her hands on the sill of the window and pushed herself up into in to it then slid down to the dry rocky ground bellow. The land stretched far until it started curving toward the blue sky above where little clouds resided. Rocks jutted up out of the dried up lake bed into sharp points or soft rounded ends cased by the wind and water currents.
A harsh dry wind whipped across the girls face before her legs started moving until she was running to the edge of the lake, a granite building grew distant, as she got closer to the incline.
Hakumei ran to the door and started banging on it and shouting hoping that someone would hear. “Someone’s escaped their trying to get back home!” she yelled franticly. “Makai, Seishuku... it’s Naito, she got out and is trying to get home!” her voice became hoarse from screaming.
She stepped back when she heard hurried footsteps coming towards the door. Makai threw the door open with Seishuku at his back. Both wore angered expressions that looked worried at the same time. Makai went to the window and examined it while Seishuku went over to Hakumei. He asked her what happened, and she explained exactly what had occurred.
“Seishuku go tell the Bachiatari that we... we have a runaway.” Seishuku hesitated wanting to argue. “Brother, I’d advise you to go now while it’s early. You and I will start looking at night fall.” At Makai’s words, Seishuku did what he was told to do and ran out the door.
Hakumei looked at Makai and flinched at the fury in his eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stop her. Please don’t hurt her,” she paused when he looked at her. “She only wants to get home back to her family... back to her brother.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she pleaded. “I know now that every time she looked over the scenery that she was thinking of a way to escape.”
He hit the wall with his fist and released a breath that he had been holding. “I’ll decide what her punishment is when I find her.” Makai took a deep breath and released it. “You do not decide what that punishment is.”
The girl shrank away from him when his brother entered the room looking solemn. Both Makai and Hakumei walked hurriedly to the door where Seishuku stood waiting for his brother.
He shook his head as they approached. “They demand that we leave now instead of waiting until twilight’s hour,” he sighed, “And that we find her before the red moon.” Seishuku grabbed his brother’s wrist and pulled him out of the room slamming the door behind him.
Chapter two should be up soon!
