King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants,
"ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn.
Arthur: HELLO!
(waits)
Bedevere: HELLO!
(waits)
An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart.
It speaks in an outrageous French accent.
Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?
Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.
Whose castle is this?
S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.
A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us
in our quest for the Holy Grail.
S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got
one, you see?
A: What?
Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!
A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.
(to the other soldiers
smile I told 'em we've already *got* one!
(they snicker)
A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?
S: Of course not! You are English types.
A: Well, what are you then?
S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous
accent, you silly king?!
Galahad: What are you doing in *England*?
S: Mind your own business!
A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a
silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and
all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!
(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)
Galahad: What a strange person.
A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and
your father smelt of elderberries!
Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
(pause)
A: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....
S: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart)
Fetchez la vache.
Other Soldier: qua?
S: Fetchez la vache!
(the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises)
A: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--
(Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...
A: Jesus Christ!
(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various crying-outs
from Arthur's party.)
A: (determined) Right!
(drawing sword) CHARGE!
Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE!
(As they run towards the French Castle, swords drawn, they are met by a huge
onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the
ramparts of the castle. Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching
the castle walls, save Launcelot, who reaches the stone wall in time to give
it one stroke with his sword before retreating.)
French Soldier: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your mother!
(and a duck) And this one's for your gran!
Arthur's party: (hastily retreating) Run away!
RUN AWAAAAY!
Launcelot: (as they hunker down behind a grassy knoll out of flying-animal's
reach of the castle) Fiends, I'll tear them apart!
Arthur: No no, no!!
Bedevere: (to Arthur) Sir... I have a plan, sir.
There follows a long scene where the french soldier, stationed atop the
rampart, surveys the surrounding countryside and sees nothing, but hears
various sounds of construction (hammering, the felling of trees, chain saws
being operated) from the woods. Eventually, amid a great squeaking of wooden
wheels, a giant wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the forest by Arthur's group.
They wheel it right up to the front gates of the French Castle and leave it
there, returning to their concealed spot behind the knoll to watch.
A minute later, the castle gate opens and a french soldier peeks out.
His head disappears and he can be heard speaking with the others.
Soldier: C'est un lapin, un lapin de bois.
2nd Soldier: Qua?
Three soliders' heads appear around the end of the door and disappear again.
Soldier: Un Cadeau!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: A present!
2nd Soldier: Ah, un Cadeau!
Soldier: Allons-y, allons-y!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: Let's go!
2nd Soldier: Ah!
The three French Soldiers creep out and wheel the rabbit into the castle,
closing the gate behind them.
behind the knoll:
Arthur: (to Bedevere) What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad and I, uh, wait until nightfall,
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by suprise.
Not only by suprise, but totally unarmed!
Arthur: *Who* leaps out?
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names him) Uh... Launcelot, Galahad,
and I.... uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and, uh....
Launcelot: (groans)
Bedevere: (pause) Oh... um, look, if we built this large wooden Badger....
Arthur knocks him on the head.
Just then, the rabbit comes soaring over the castle wall. The party disbands
amid great shouts of "Run away, run away!", but the rabbit lands on yet
another helpless footman. Cries of distress.
*** Snap! "Picture for schools, take eight." ***
An old historian is standing in the woods, offering commentary on the story.
Director: (off camera) Action!
Historian: (to camera) Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him
completely by suprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new
strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be
brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his
closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for
the Grail individually. Now this is what they did....
A knight in full armor rides past on horseback, cutting off the Historian's
head in the process.
Historian's Wife: (running out from behind the camera): Brian!
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