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yes the jackass forward!

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day; when you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!

I was sitting at me desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi, this is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program,"

He said, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!".

Keep reading, it only gets better.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy! I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed that he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 826-4xxx and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes it is"

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 W 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out in front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Jansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Jansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I called Jackass#1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled, "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.

The Jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Jansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 W 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are G??"

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 W 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on W. 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

You have a nice day, and watch out for the Jackasses!!

I saw a balding 40 something year old guy walking around in the mall with his wife and he has a pretty big beer belly and he wore a shirt that said, "Last night, I scored" in capital letters.

But I doubt the guy actually understood what it said. Someone probably bought it for him. This is Hong Kong we're talking about. The guy probably didn't learn much english when he was in school.

Hehe, its okay. It was just so random cause it's one of those t-shirts you would find in a Canadian mall but only in those small stalls on wheels and not an actual shop.

Hehe, they're all over the world I'm guessing but I don't think they are very popular in certain areas.

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone
can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would
feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head The
accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and
sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you
a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into
its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She
had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with
her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine
region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight'
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight'
option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up
into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding
oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group
of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all
the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming
it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

why would the black hawk fire association but BFFA? wouldn't it be BHFA

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a
while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... 'Ma'am there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Shoot!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and
see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh no,' says the little old lady 'You see, my back yard is right next
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game,
a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower
beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I
say,'$20 or off it comes!'

'Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Ok, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady,......'not everybody pays!'