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"C'mon we're gonna be late!!!" Scott cried out as he waited for me to pick out my outfit. I was beginning to be rethink my idea of going to the concert.

I love Killswitch Engage but the idea of going to a concert and having a good time just seemed so wrong knowing my mother would no longer be able to have a good time. I just felt so guilty for going out, especially knowing it wasn't my mother's idea of a good time and that she always worried about me when I went to shows that I would get hurt.

"I'm coming I just have to finish putting on my makeup." I muttered back to him.

Looking into the mirror I sighed, 'I can't let Scott down now, I agreed to do this' I thought to myself as I smeered my lip gloss over my lips.

If this had been any normal day, normal being before I found out my mother was going to die, I probably would have congratulated myself on my reflection. I had chosen to make my eyelids go from the darkest of black to the softest of pink starting with black liquid eyeliner, then black eyeshadow to grey to pink, with a red eyeliner beneath my eyes to make the pink stand out. And I had put my hair up in a pony and spiked the ends so it came out from all angles.

But because today was not a normal day, I stood there scrutinizing every inch of my face "Did I do a good enough job that nobody else will see how much I'm hurting inside?" I wondered as I shut off the bathroom light and walked into the living room where Scott was waiting impatiently.

"Wow you look great!" he exclaimed as I walked into the room.

"Oh whatever Scott as if you haven't seen this outfit a thousand times." I said as I stood in front of him wearing my favorite Killswitch Engage band tee and tripp pants.

"I know but it's been a while and just accept a compliment will you!" he gave a grin with a hint of frustration as he wrapped his arm around me and started to lead me out the door.

"Scott, my purse!" I started to turn from him but he held onto me and held it up.

"I was wondering when you'd notice, I mean, I love The Misfits as much as the next guy but for some reason I think your messenger bag looks much better on you than me."

I knew he was just trying to make me laugh and it was working Scott was always doing or saying silly things for a reaction. I loved that about him. I reached out my hand to accept my purse and thanked him as we headed to the car.

We listened to a lot of different music on the half hour drive to Portland. Maine is such a hickville you always have a long drive to get to anywhere worth being.

"We're here!" He blurted out after he put the car in park and paid the parking attendant.

"Cool" I said in a very monotone voice. I knew he could sense my trepidation and instead of shutting the car off he leaned over and pulled me into a hug.

"I meant what I said, just try, and if it's too much we'll leave. Okay?"

"Okay." I nodded as we ended the embrace. I pulled a 20$ and my id out of my purse and pushed it under the seat.

We got out of the car and I waited by the passenger side for him to join me so we could walk in together. Before I could finish putting my things in my pockets he was beside me wrapping his arm around me to give me strength as we walked towards the line that had already started to form at the entrance.

To any onlooker we probably looked like any other two people in love. If they only knew.

The disadvantage to the kind of show we're at, is that The Station only
holds about 100 people and when you have a band like Killswitch Engage in a small venue like that everyone is your new best friend and you can't tell if you're wiping your sweat off you or your 'new best friends' It's basically like the whole club is the pit.

Normally I lived for this kind of scene, but today it felt like a source of torment.
Almost three months of being near no one and now here I am in the middle of a sea of bodies. I felt the panic start to rise in me from the pit of my stomach. I clung tighter to Scott.

God I love him so much. Truth be told Scott was my high school crush I loved him from the beginning.

The fact that he became my best friend never stopped that little part of me longing to feel his lips on mine. But as I had grown older I had been able to bury that part of my feelings and I didn't acknowledge them much nor did it hurt like it used to anymore.

But today, with him holding me so close and being so attentive to my every facial expression or action. Those feelings started to stir again.

Because of that fact I wouldn't ask to leave. Inside me I felt like I had been put in a pit that was on fire, screaming, as the flames started to lick closer to my body.

I wanted to run and escape before the flames took me over or the smoke just suffocated me before I could even feel the flames seer my skin.

"You okay honey?" Scott broke thru my panic and I looked up into his deep brown eyes.

"Yeah I just wish the show would start already." I said trying to stifle the panic in my voice, hoping he couldn't see it in my eyes.

I leaned my back into his chest and he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. I loved the feeling of his arms around me.

For a couple of seconds I was able to lean my head back against his shoulder, close my eyes and just be in the moment with him.
The panic started to lessen as I forgot where I was and just focused on how good it felt to have him close to me.

But the bright red that had been staining my eyelids went black and the screams of the crowd made my eyes flicker open and all the panic returned.

'Oh god, here we go' I thought, trying to coax myself thru it as the butterflies in my stomach danced to some wild symphony which I imagined to be my racing heartbeat.

A slow drumline started and I could vaguely make out the silhouettes of the band members that were now up on the stage. A guitar cried as it's owner tested it to make sure it was in tune and had survived thru sound check.

After a minute or two of random guitar riffs, bass lines and drum beats a spot light came up on the center of the stage to reveal a man with shoulder length black hair that glistened in the spotlight and covered his left eye.

He was wearing a Black Flag band tee and black jeans with a pyramid studded belt.

"HOW ARE YOU MOTHER F***ERS DOIN TONIGHT?" The guy on the stage screamed as he flicked his hair back with his hand and paced the stage. 'You don't wanna know.'

I thought to myself as I stood there trying hard to just focus on the stage and not the crowd around me that was yelling back to him.

"C'MON PORTLAND I KNOW YOU MOTHER F***ERS CAN BE LOUDER THAN THAT I SAID HOW YOU DOIN?" The crowd erupted again, louder this time.

'Why am I here again? This is crazy! I can't do this!" my thoughts raced. "Just breathe it's ok!" I slowed my breathing and refocused my attention to the man on stage, who to be honest, wasn't all that difficult to give your attention to.

Dispite the small pooch of a tummy he sported, much like Scott, He was definitely gorgeous. I had a thing for Italians anyway and his skin tone and deep eyes suggested he might be.

"F**K YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH" He yelled deep from his throat in response to the audience reaction.

"We're MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! And this first song's called 'Vampires Will Never Hurt You' Maybe you know it." and with that the soft drumline that had been playing in the background sped up a little bit and was matched with a bass and guitar.

"And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground…" Wow he can sing, I realized as I watched the crowd start to come to life.

"PUT A SPIKE IN MY HEART!!!" he screamed at us as people started to jump up onto the stage and jump down into the crowd of hands waiting to catch them and send them flying over the audience.

"This song is my favorite off our album I hope you like it too it's called OUR!…LADY!!….OF!!…SORROOOOOOWS!!!" with that the gutarist that had been standing behind the front man moved to the front.

I couldn't make out his face because he had his head tilted downward as he played the opening lines to the song . That and the fact that his hair sprayed out in every direction.

"I didn't know white guys could grow fro's like that" Scott screamed to me and laughed.

I nodded back at him in laughter. It felt good to laugh. I looked back at the crowd that had now opened several pits and were thrashing into each other violently.

"Oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying…." I didn't know what the band actually had in mind when they wrote that line but I instantly felt fresh tears sting my eyes.

My mom had been immortal to me. After all who ever really stops and thinks that something bad can, and most likely WILL eventually happen to their parents?

"Take my f***ing hand and never be afraid again" I wanted to, I wanted to know this band more. I was starting to be happy I came, maybe there was a reason I was meant to be here.

They went straight from that song into the next. "and in this moment we can't close our lids on burning eyes" Again I blinked back tears… 'I know that feeling all to well' I sighed within myself.

Thru ought their set each song seemed to say something to me. Something that made me feel drawn to them. It felt weird to find comfort in a band I had never heard of before much less listened to.

"This is our last song of the night THANK YOU for letting us f***ing play for you PORTLAND!!!" The crowd erupted yet again as the front man counted off to his band. "well lets go back to the middle of the day that starts it all. Well I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling...well I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling."

Everything I'd been feeling for the past 4 months was just summed up in two little lines as I blinked away the image of my mother sitting in front of me telling me "I need you to be brave for me, if I could keep this from you I would but I can't. I have cancer" The end of the world as I knew it.

"…think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy MOTHER F***IN thoughts!"

As the song was ending they held it out enough for the front man to scream out over the top of the roar of the crowd "WE ARE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE!" And with that the stage went to black.

OMFG! UPDAAAAAAAAAATE! Please?

Holy cheese this is a good update! Update more now!

The fresh air felt so good, the wind licked at my face as I finally reached the exit. When I got to the car I decided to just stand beside it and wait for Scott. But I was so thirsty all I could think about was visions of bottled water. So I reached into the car and grabbed my cell.

"walking 2 store 2 get drink. Want nething?" I sent the text to Scott and headed back in the direction of the club knowing there was a store just beyond it.

I rounded the corner to go up the block passing the club. Parked in the back where the bands loaded and unloaded their equipment I saw a van that had graffiti all over it. As I got closer I was able to make out "My Chemical Romance" written in spray paint on the back of it. 'Those poor guys, they really are a new band if they have to tour in that thing." I was just about to walk passed it when I saw a dark haired figure leaning against the van pulling out a pack of Marlboro's. 'Is that the front man for the band?' He pushed his hair back out of his eyes that was still slightly matted to his face from his performance. There was no mistaking those beautiful features. It was definitely him.

I looked up the road staring at the big MOBIL sign and then I looked back at him. Part of me just wanted to continue on to the store and get my precious water, but a bigger part of me really wanted to talk to him, which kind of shocked me considering for the past three months I had gone out of my way to avoid everyone. Why should this guy matter? But it was as if my feet made my decision for me, I realized I was walking in the direction of the van instead of the Mobil.

"Um Hi, my name is Becky." I stammered, "You're the front man for My Chemical Romance aren't you?" I'm sure he could sense my nervousness.

I wondered if he thought I was nervous because I was meeting him or if he could see I was just nervous about talking to anyone. Even before my mom died I had never been good at just walking up to someone and talking to them.

Regardless of what he might have been thinking he reached out his hand to me and gave me a warm friendly smile.

"Yes I am, my names Gerard. Nice to meet you Becky." He answered back.

I looked down at his hand as I fit mine into it. His hands were so big but his grip was so gentle. Not at all what I would have expected. "I just wanted to tell you that this was the first time I had ever heard of your band and well I almost didn't come tonight but I'm glad I did. Your set was amazing." I shyly looked up to notice his brown eyes were intently looking back into mine and his soft grin had been replaced with a broad smile. "You definitely made a new fan tonight." I continued, suddenly feeling a little intimidated by the fact we were making eye contact but I couldn't pull my eyes away from his.

"Aww I'm glad you liked us." he said as he pulled his hand away from mine, using it to search his pockets for his lighter for the cigarette he had yet to light since my interruption.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion I'm sure you want to relax. But I just wanted to tell you that." I responded to him as I watched him light his cigarette.

I started to turn to walk away but I felt his hand on my shoulder, "Who said you were an intrusion?" he smiled at me, as he leaned in to give me a very gentle hug.

"It actually gets kind of lonely around here when the only people you get to talk to are the ones you see everyday. You are anything but an intrusion." he reassured me as our eyes met again. Only this time instead of feeling intimidated I felt the tension in my muscles relax as I let his beautiful eyes penetrate deep into mine, making me feel at ease. Although now his eyes almost looked green instead of brown.

"Do you have any future plans to tour again? Or do you know yet?" I asked taking my queue to continue the conversation.

"Yeah actually right now we're working on plans to be on Warped Tour next summer but we'll see." He took a drag from his cigarette. "For right now we're more focused on finishing the songs for the next album."

"Well if you are on Warped Tour I will definitely see you there I haven't missed a summer since I started going in 1997!"

"That's awesome! I hope it works out for us, we've had a really hard time getting gigs because we don't really sound much like other bands." He sighed.

"Yeah I kinda noticed. You're band's sound is very different from a band like Killswitch. But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Look at me." I said pointing down at my shirt. "Killswitch Engage is my FAVORITE band. But I loved your set and I'm sure there are a lot of people out there like me too. You just have to keep trying."

"I know it's just frustrating sometimes." He replied. 'Was that sadness I saw in his eyes?' I couldn't tell it happened to fast and was replaced yet again with his warm smile. "But you're right we just have to keep trying. Who would have thought we'd even make it this far."

"I have this friend, her name is Arianne, she's obsessed with Disney. We're basically complete opposites. But when I get discouraged with myself she always tells me "If you can dream it, you can be it." or something like that supposedly Walt Disney said it. Now I can't say that's completely true because I've had a lot of dreams that I just don't think I could ever be. Like a vampire for example, I don't think that will ever happen." We both laughed. He had the cutest giggle it made me want to keep making him laugh. "And I know I dream about being a man at least once a month." He laughed again. God damn not only does he have a cute laugh but his face is so sexy when it lights up like that. I cleared my head and continued, serious this time. "For you, I think this dream could very much be a reality. Your band is amazing."

"I hope so, I think we're good enough, I mean we've worked really hard and learned alot."

"You're defnitely good enough! And Warped Tour makes rockstars out of largely unknown bands. s**t, half the bands I listen to either have played on Warped Tour, or I heard for the first time on Warped Tour."

"Really?"

"Yeah dude like ok Rancid and Green Day have both played Warped, I LOVE them. And I heard bands like Thursday, Anti-Flag, Flogging Molly and Taking Back Sunday for the first time on Warped. It's a great career kick start and I could see your band fitting in that line up perfectly."

"Wow you have no idea how much of a compliment that is. I grew up listening to Green Day. I love Anti-Flag I've been listening to them a lot lately. Great new band. We toured with Taking Back Sunday last year, and we've actually played with Thursday before, infact if it wasn't for Geoff Rickly I know we wouldn't be where we are right now. Because of him we're signed to Eyeball and he produced our album."

"No s**t? That's f**king awesome!!! So you're from Jersey then?" I couldn't believe what a small world it was sometimes when it comes to the bands you love. I mean I had never heard of My Chemical Romance but they had already toured with Taking Back Sunday and they are signed to the same label as Thursday.

"Yup. Born and raised. Scared yet?" his smile faded and he brought his head down to glare at me in his best evil stare.

"Not even close." I laughed "You'll have to do better than that. I have a lot of friends from Jersey. Actually, I was supposed to go to Jersey later this year but now after everything that's happened I don't know..." My voice trailed off.

Gerard looked at me and I could tell he had questions of his own that he wasn't sure if he should ask. 'F**K! Why did I say anything like that.' I felt like I should explain but I didn't want to. No matter how comfortable he made me feel he was still a total stranger.

"Bowie is going to be releasing his new cd "Reality" soon." I began again."And he's promised a tour. He never misses New York when he tours and he usually goes to Jersey. So the plan was that I was going to go visit my friend in Jersey and then we'd either travel into New York or go see him in Jersey wherever he decided to go. But I had some things come up in my life and I just don't know if I can make the trip. I'd love to though nobody puts on a show like Bowie." The quizzical look disappeared from his face and he seemed satisfied with the explanation that I offered to him.

"You're a David Bowie fan?" he asked, I could see a smile playing at the corners of his lips.

"Hell yeah! David Bowie is my idol, I swear the sun rises and sets on his command." I giggled.

Actually truth be told I had been listening to Bowie as well as The Cure more and more over the past few months. The darker music especially. I loved them before my mom died but now the music just seemed to suit my depression nicely.

"I love David Bowie his music is so complex and theatrical. Eventually I'd love to add elements like that into My Chem." He reciprocated.

"It's definitely something to see, I think you'd be smart to add those kind of elements into your band."

Wow it's been so long since I've met someone who actually listens to Bowie enough that you can have a conversation with them about the music and they can keep up. None of this 'oh yeah I loved Ziggy Stardust' bullshit.

"It's great how you can listen to the same song a hundred times and always hear something new you didn't hear before." he expressed with enthusiasm, you could tell he was really getting into the conversation we were having.

"Exactly." I agreed, "like 'Conversation Piece' it's probably my favorite song, toss up between that 'Win' and 'Always crashing in the same car.' every time I hear them, depending on my mood, I always end up hearing something new. What's about you, what's your favorite Bowie song?"

"That's a tough one." He stopped to think for a minute before finishing to respond. "I'd have to say probably 'Life on Mars' 'Halo Spaceboy' and 'Fantastic Voyage.' But that doesn't even begin to cover it."

"Yeah I totally understand I could go on all day about Bowie." while I was answering him my phone started to beep at me. "Hang on a sec." I said to him holding up my finger towards him.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and read the screen "Where R U? R U OK?" Oh s**t had it been that long?

I looked back to Gerard "I'm really sorry I should probably go." I told him, feeling a little sad to end our conversation. "My best friend brought me here. He was buying me a Killswitch shirt and I was supposed to meet him at the car after I went to the store to get us drinks. Now he's wondering where I am."

"Well, if you have to go it's cool. But if your friend wouldn't mind waiting I'd love to show you something. It would only take a minute."

I was torn, I wanted to stay and talk to him but my best friend was waiting for me. I couldn't just leave Scott waiting while I sat here chatting with the front man for a band I barely knew. I looked back into Gerard's now pleading eyes trying to find the words to say I was sorry that I couldn't stay longer. I realized as soon as I had returned his gaze that it had been a mistake, there was just something about him, I couldn't help it, I wanted to stay so badly.

COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!! UPDATE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUST HAVE MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, major sugar high from the cookie dough I had. Teehee!