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 Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 5:30 pm
Vague [Q] I also was one of those people who thinks they're handling stress pretty well, but just bottles it up all inside, anyway. Point being, sometime around the "genderqueer =/= transgender" debate, I read through a ton of articles in Wikipedia. Just remember that it's all contributed by users, you have to take a lot of stuff with a grain of salt. Do you have an editor account? [Q] I spent hours upon hours reading it, and learning all about genderqueer, transgenders, gays, bis, asexuals, and some heterosexual stuff. I also learned indirectly that someone in Russia prevented World War 3 by ignoring equipment that told him the US were sending him the bomb(which was of course was a malfunction, but no one knew that at the time). The information was classified until 1998! You don't remember when they revealed that? People talked for days about how it was scary. 1. Oh yeah, I know it's all from users. But I haven't come across an article in wikipedia that wasn't written well [yet]. No, I don't have an editor account, simply because I don't think I could add anything useful to anything. 2. No, I didn't. C'mon man, you know I live in a hole. I didn't know about Katrina until Nios IMed me and was like, "Hey, is Jovo okay?" And I said something like, "Why are you asking ME that?" Rejectanonymity: That whiz thing does look awesome. I've always wanted to pee standing up. On a serious note, you odn't really sound like you want to be a man at all. Instead of sticking to wikipedia, maybe you should read this, instead. Look at some of the FAQs. Hope this helps.
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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 6:58 pm
Well, you see, I do want to be a man. Some days, (most days, lately) I really want to just be accepted as a man. Passing has become an obsession. I think about T and top surgery (and sometimes the thought of bottom surgery passes through my brain as well). I'm conflicted though. As a feminist, part of me feels like I have to be a woman and show people how righteous that can be. As a gender warrior/rebel I want to be neither a man nor a woman and show people how that's... actually possible and real and not some trendy s**t kids do to be cool. And then on a personal level I just have this huge need for people to see me as a MAN. Call me Ryan, use male pronouns, PLEASE! A lot of that might just be that not many do see me as a man (and most, if not all of those who do are people I only know online). I'll be the first to admit that I am pretty confused. I want to embrace all that is me, but I also want recognition and visibility. When I try to pass as male I put aside certain things to make myself more passable. I don't wear make up (though I seldom did after 10th grade anyway) and I watch my actions very carefully and try to make them seem more masculine than feminine. But then I'm trying to be something I'm not, in a way. I don't want to be Mr. Frat Guy Wannabe, I want to be femme sometimes and I want to wear thick black eyeliner because goddammit, eyeliner is hot on guys (and girls). I want to be a guy in a skirt. But I feel like if I do those things I will be seen as a girl in a skirt and black eyeliner instead. And that is just not an option I'm happy with these days. So I push aside those things because I'd rather be seen as a fratboy wannabe than a girl. Part of me wonders why I am so obsessed with passing and with transition things (such as T and surgery). Am I trying to escape being female because I've been taught by society that female < male. Am I trying to be a man because my culture tells me that man > woman? What are my motivations, here? I can't answer that. I only know how I feel, and even that confuses me a lot of the time.
I do have one thing to say about the stability of my gender identity - the only thing that can be said for certain, really - I am in flux. I change from time to time and want to be seen in different ways. I could do that with the body I've got, or I could do that with a male body. So my default is to say I shouldn't think about SRS because I can rebel against the social construct of gender in this body just as well as I could in another. But I also can't deny my feelings and my desire right now says I want to be male. I want to get rid of (o)(o) THESE THINGS and replace them with pecks, I want sideburns so bad it practically HURTS, I want muscles and a deep voice, and I want a p***s. The problem is - this might change. I was a girl for the majority of my life in most ways, who's to say I won't want to go back to that?
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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:39 pm
Are you even reading the links I'm posting? Because both of them address your problem exactly how you explain it.
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 11:35 am
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 3:21 pm
Q Are you even reading the links I'm posting? Because both of them address your problem exactly how you explain it. I looked at both of them. I don't identify with the term androgyne as strongly as I do with genderqueer, though they seem very similar. I just prefer my term, that's all. As for addressing my problem, yes, they talk about things like what I talk about, but that doesn't mean they're going to end my confusion and make everything better just by reading them. This is something I'm going to have to work out within myself, but it is good to get outside opinions to lead my thinking every now and again as well. So in short, thanks for the links, it's good to know people are paying attention to what I'm saying sometimes. smile And Nios, I feel ya. Really. sad And more of a rant, for the rant thread - my binder is STILL not here. I ordered it almost a week ago and paid for 2 day shipping, so I really think it should've been here by now. I've emailed underworks.com asking what's up with it and to see if I can get a tracking number, but they've yet to respond. GRR. I really want it to come soon because my ace bandage has been annoying me lately. I can't seem to find a comfortable tightness that makes me flat enough to be comfortabe (in the nonphysical sense of the word).
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 12:54 pm
Nios -- *hugs*
rej -- Stupid shipping complications. Again, I hope it comes soon.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 12:58 pm
This is definately one of those times I wish I still had a psychologist.
[EDIT]: s**t. Looking back at my journal the happiest emoticons I used were "apathetic," "sleepy," and "drained." I try to keep my journal page balanced. I've been using it so much recently. That's never a good sign with me. I feel so unstable right now.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 1:40 pm
Nios This is definately one of those times I wish I still had a psychologist.
[EDIT]: s**t. Looking back at my journal the happiest emoticons I used were "apathetic," "sleepy," and "drained." I try to keep my journal page balanced. I've been using it so much recently. That's never a good sign with me. I feel so unstable right now. I'm sorry, honey; that's an awful feeling. Is there a shrink at your school that you could talk to? I know that a lot of schools provide them and they are generally free to students...maybe just as something to hold you over? *wishes you luck and love and hugs*
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Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:56 pm
Astri The Jewish holidays really ******** me up, make me feel distinctly uncomfortable and confused. I mean, it's my culture and my people whether I want it or not. And it used to really mean something to me. I've never been conventional about religion, but it used to really, really mean something to me. And now I can't be a part of it. I can't stand there and listen to the chanting and feel that connection with everything that's wondrous about the world. And people don't understand how awful a feeling that is, to be so confused and displaced, and why I can't just go back. I will not "go through the motions" to be part of something. It would go against everything that I've ever thought of as myself.
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Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 7:36 pm
So I found out that Will's been reading my journal. Now I feel self conscious writing in it. I always felt safe with posting what I wanted because I knew he wouldn't see it. Not that I write anything he shouldn't necessarily see, I just would feel more comfortable knowing that he didn't read it. I like my journal being completely public just not with him. He and my family are pretty much the only people I don't want reading it. If he ever goes on Gaia then I don't even know what I would do. This is my place to feel free to say whatever I want.
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Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:50 am
Um um um I'm really freaked out about something right now. I don't know why I'm surprised by this but I am and it upsets me more than I think it should. It's about my body. Is anyone around to talk to me on AIM and possibly comfort me? I'm really not handling this well.
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 1:51 pm
Do you guys remember how I was upset about talking to that schizophrenic gay girl with cancer that used to stalk me? Remember how I said I could deal with talking to her for a few days because she was going to go on a road trip and I would block her after then? Well her road trip plan fell through so I ended up getting a new e-mail address. Today she found my LJ again. I don't know how to escape her.
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:22 pm
Nios I don't know how to escape her. You could tell her to go the ******** away?
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 2:20 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 3:04 am
Try again, and then completely ignore her.
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![[Q]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/23/15/1f06246f41523_flip.png?t=1465986572_6.00_11)
