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 Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:10 am
Because we're all socially awkward insomniacs at heart?
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:11 am
That would explain why I haven't left the house for a few days and am still lurking on the computer. gonk
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:13 am
It'll still be another two or three days before I leave the house I bet.
At least photoshop has become suddenly entrancing.
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:24 am
I'll be leaving the house tomorrow, but it's to go shopping with my mom. >>
I miss photoshop/my tablet. I don't think I could put PS on this one (Vista) and I don't know where the installation thingie for my tablet is. The other computer is broken to hell.
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:37 am
I feel ... sick to my stomach... uughh... eghh...
Not even a virus...not even an infection, bad food, nothing...
...I know what it is. That feeling of suffocation. Ideals being drilled in to people...
Things are impossible. Must so many end up succumbing to "this is the way it has to be"?...
Mmm..
Unity through an ideal, and things happen.
The childlike joy. Innocent joy. Fun, utter freedom from life and worry. That seems to be it. That hits it exactly. THAT is it... the thing nagging me, in the back of my mind. The black hole that seems so unfair, so unnatural and wrong...
'Growing up', in totality of what comes to my mind as perspective thrown backwards at me from society, is simply giving up that sense of freedom. That we must work, that we must behave according to the system at hand.
While my ideal of 'growing up' seems more like gaining a higher sense of peace and understanding, then taking responsibilities and acting like an adult.
Why it never clicked before. . . the ideal of my "maturity" is simply not caring about what I HAVE to do, because I will do it and work for something more, whilst not caring in the whole of my being, but taking care in what I do, thus proving myself and taking pride in that, resulting in a backwards progress to what I've seen in "the real world".
I worked ever so hard, fast, better, and most importantly, the most EFFICIENTLY. It seems, as time goes on, the majority of people may seem to start off this way... then, sluggish, slower, as "Why do more for being paid the same?" mentality hits. This is part of the 'growing up' that society seems to choke me with. That we must work, and that we must chew on it, make it a priority, because afterall, we must, and it is our source of money, and without it, we are considered failures. Growing up in total, from backwards perspective, is simply "being responsible" for yourself...all the bills, all the worries, everything that causes this mass of depression, suicide, uncaring attitude that engulfs the very center of our workforce.
Maturity should be the release of worry~
That is, acceptance for what we must, and a totality of higher morality than monetary gain desire.
Hence, some businesses where they are allowed breaks, easy code of "dress" and otherwhatnots seem to flourish with those who haven't lost their vitality of fun, "youth"...
While others are tarnished with those who look out only for themselves, either because they were as before, evil. Or, because they were broken down by this ridiculous system.
While, in essence, many people still are able to find some joy and love, I am truly not blind to the massive amount of people, everywhere, in all job areas, that are depressed. Of all ages...
It is like a disease.
Our suicide rate is rising, our youth is most aware that something just doesn't seem right. Something doesn't feel "fair". Just "teenage angst", but in reality, analyzing what is bothering them, they cannot figure it out usually...
It has been brought to my attention in only one of my psychology classes throughout the years. Despite our ability to connect to more and more people easier, in total we feel lonelier and lonelier. As if our joy, our desire to spread love has been sucked out more and more as the years go on.
It is strange to smile at random people in public.
It isn't common to know your neighbors.
But despite the downward spiral of this, the result, silver lining of this dark cloud, is that we are no longer, as a whole, accepting what is. No longer are we susceptible as "I am this, and thus my beliefs are"...
It seems our freedom to question, suplemented with easy resources for information, such as the internet... has broken the barrier. More and more people do not simply accept reality as it is.
Why it should be.
My thoughts ... in retrospective... maturity...
instead of freaking out about a late bill, feeling as if the world will end, someone like me will shrug it off and make sure to not let it occur again.
In the same respect of this sense of "freedom" from worry and irritation, I am easier to be irritated by those who are so upset about what feels like such miniscule things~
Though my best efforts are to ignore it, sometimes... it is unrelentless, and brings me to a point of breaking.
I am no longer interested in discovering self. This is a fool's journey, I think. In truth, we cannot define self, ever. Surely, I can define my set of beliefs, what I do, my attributes, and all things of that sort. However, I can never define what and when my beliefs and attributes will change.
I know who I am now. But I will not who I will become.
The unfortunate side to this is that many adults lose their memories of feelings of youth, of innocence. Some do not. Many do.
I may call it a fool's journey, only because the journey is infinite. However, a fool made, only if they think it is possible to define self for all instances of their existence.
What is gained from my own folly of that, would be that I have recorded my changes. I realized. I remember all the important events of my life. Though, many would say they do as well, many do not attempt to remember the feeling. Which can be seen easily by those who do.
Though, I speak as if this is truth. I am limited to what I have witnessed and experienced.
Is it local? This, I doubt much.
The human experience is universal, it seems.
Love. Joy. Depression. Sadness. Anger.
Rationalization of beliefs.
Seperation. Unity.
Why bother to think? Why bother to ask. To wonder all possibilities.
To simply know, and that is a personal reason.
I do not remember everything I write.
As if I have alternates to my self.
It shocks. It as if, I am reading another's writing.
Sometimes I think it completely naive and idiotic.
Sometimes...refreshing...
Still...
The class I took ... those who are generally happy...
are happy, despite any misfortunes.
And those who are generally sad...
...stay that way.
A few instances of rare few people who are happy no matter what happens, though a few weak times in their joy when times were most ... devastating. But still, far better handle on it than any others.
And I know, myself, witness those, even me, who succumb to that sense of unhappiness in the past, and those who continue on, unable to figure it out.
I cannot say I feel any real emotion. Is it emotion when I feel as if I must do something?
That I want something.
Truly, it feels like nothing, but just a pulling feeling.
So, is all that self exploration and pulling self from worry and sorrow worth it? Perspective.
To be grey.
Forever.
Or to feel black and white. Joy and pain. Do I want that feeling of fantasy size proportions? To try to, is to feel pain enough to feel as if hell is earth itself.
I no longer know if I want anything at all.
I keep to a degree some emotion... for I fear I will not care for anything at all, someday. Perhaps that small amount is that tugging I feel.~
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 7:19 am
Soranoko I'll be leaving the house tomorrow, but it's to go shopping with my mom. >> I miss photoshop/my tablet. I don't think I could put PS on this one (Vista) and I don't know where the installation thingie for my tablet is. The other computer is broken to hell. Can't you install XP on it?
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 7:19 am
Soranoko I miss photoshop/my tablet. I don't think I could put PS on this one (Vista) and I don't know where the installation thingie for my tablet is. The other computer is broken to hell. I got PS5 Limited Edition to work on Vista, and my tablet kinda installed itself (I have no clue how it happened), but the pressure and dimension are all wonky, and there's apparently no hardware on the computer to fix it. D:
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 8:03 am
Oh, man was that fun last night. I got one hell of a laugh out of it too. rofl
I should really do that again, just for the pwning if that. lol
But he did ask for it, so I delivered, as promised. domokun
Not even 3 hours of sleep yet I feel vaugely good. Is my body telling me to be up in the morning?! confused
Nah!! It's got to be that I've been eating all three of the days meals for the past week.
And hey what do you know, I'm gaining some weight finally, which I've been needing!! eek
If I keep this up I won't have to worry about falling underweight, I'll just have to turn the fat to muscle. Which I need anyways. sweatdrop emo
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 9:55 am
Lady Pyre Soranoko I'll be leaving the house tomorrow, but it's to go shopping with my mom. >> I miss photoshop/my tablet. I don't think I could put PS on this one (Vista) and I don't know where the installation thingie for my tablet is. The other computer is broken to hell. Can't you install XP on it? She could just run compatibility mode and try to get it to work from there. With tablets and stuff you can go to the manufacturer's website and download drivers, or find a place online that has them. Usually that works.
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:30 pm
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 12:42 pm
Oh god. So ******** relieved.
A simple phone call made all my worries melt away. I knew I was worrying over nothing, I simply knew it, but it was hard to relieve myself of my concerns. But that's all solved now, and I got to hear him. Ah, wonderful. heart
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 1:14 pm
I don't want to mess with this computer too much, since it's my parents'. I do know that they hate Vista, though, so they might try to fix it.
I got the tablet over here now, but it has no pressure sensitivity and it doesn't know that the back end = eraser. I don't know where the installation CD is.
Corel Photopaint sucks. Was that all she could find? stressed
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:19 pm
Soranoko I don't want to mess with this computer too much, since it's my parents'. I do know that they hate Vista, though, so they might try to fix it. I got the tablet over here now, but it has no pressure sensitivity and it doesn't know that the back end = eraser. I don't know where the installation CD is. Corel Photopaint sucks. Was that all she could find? stressed Cyriistar and I use a pirate -ed version of Corel Photopaint. x3 It's not as convenient for anime or linework-oriented art [like OpenCanvas or Photoshop or something] but I think it's pretty powerful, it just depends on what you want to use it for. My tablet doesn't do pressure sensitivity or erasing either. And my sister always uses a mouse. Shows how much we care about having good equipment. xD
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:25 pm
Actually, not much.
I'm thinking about dolls.
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Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:41 pm
Sirius Silverstar Cyriistar and I use a pirate -ed version of Corel Photopaint. x3 It's not as convenient for anime or linework-oriented art [like OpenCanvas or Photoshop or something] but I think it's pretty powerful, it just depends on what you want to use it for. My tablet doesn't do pressure sensitivity or erasing either. And my sister always uses a mouse. Shows how much we care about having good equipment. xD Pressure sensitivity and eraser are necessary. xD; Considering what I absolutely NEED a drawing program for right now is just simple linework, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get used to it. Edit: Especially because I draw sketchy initially, particularly when using a tablet, and I rely on the eraser to clean the pictures up. gonk Ha, you should see me try to use a mouse, especially since the mouse hooked up to this computer is a track ball. Shaky lines, anyone?
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