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 Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:44 pm
I feel like I'm taking this thread over. I want some other people to rant before I do again. I just spilled out a very vague and blunt version of my life story to someone who used to be my best friend. I'm hoping that I've vented and cried enough for one night.
I can't go by what I think. I don't ever know what I think. I don't even know how I ever feel. Unless something extreme happened to make me feel happy I won't be able to say I'm happy. That doesn't mean I'm not happy though. Same goes for when something really bad happens and I feel angry or sad.
So if I don't know what I think, I tend to listen to what other people think. My mum said she'll never call me her son. I think I neglected posting that rant here. If my mum can't think of me as her son, can I think I'm her son?
I'm sorry but for me I find it difficult to separate them. Maybe you can help me.
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 9:04 pm
Well, Nios. Here is my rant. And I am sorry if this puts any extra weight on you.
I told Vague, and I told JoVo. And I came to grips with myself, and I am very confused. Everyone pretty much told me, "Well it's good that you identified it, but you don't necassarily have to act on it."
Well, I'm acting on it. Sorry. Or maybe I'm just "identifying" it to the world. I don't know. But either way, I'm screwed.
First impressions suck. My first impression of Nios was girl. And then Nios said "I can't stand it when other people think of me as a girl. I am a boy!" I like Nios. I want to be her friend, I want to be with her, and I have a crush on her.
But I want to respect her wishes and call her a man, and I can't. I don't know why, but I can't.
I really, really like Nios. Maybe it's because she reminds me of me. Maybe it's because I admire her for being so insistant about being called a guy. Maybe it's because I'm just stupid.
Either way, I'm screwed. I'm screwed because Nios only likes males, and I'm not physically male. I'm not even completely mentally male. I don't know what the hell I am, but it's something Nios isn't attracted to.
And I don't like think about Nios in a way she doesn't like me thinking about her. I feel... Wrong. I feel... Guilty. Really guilty.
Because although sometimes I type "he" for Nios, the impulse is to put that nasty little "s" in there infront of it all.
I figured, "Maybe Nios i like me" or, "Maybe I can identify with Nios."
Vague tried to explain to me that transitioning is hard and it only takes time. Afterall, he knows I'm female but still tries to call my a he. But at the same time I told Vague, "Well, I don't end friendships if you call me a she, either". I couldn't care less if somebody called me a she here.
Maybe if, say, everyone called me a she, I'd be a tiny bit upset, but if a few people spouted it out? Not caring. I make a game out of it.
In fact, today, someone called me a dude in person. More and more people are making the "mistake" of calling/thinking me male. At times I figure I should correct them, but other times, I'm saying to myself, "Isn't this what I want?"
But I'm not trying as hard as Nios to become this. Man. I'm not trying that hard to say, "Look, I'm THIS sex!" Atleast I don't think I am. So in that respect, I'm jealous of Nios.
I want to... Be there for her, and.. Show.. Show insight. But everywhere I turn I get shot down. Even Jovo.. He is really... He makes my self confidence just plummet to the ground. He makes me feel like I'm nothing.
I don't think he realises, though, because the next minute he's carrying on. Maybe this is just how life goes. Everyone knows I have a sucky outdoor life. I suck at socializing. And here I am, actually socializing with Jovo, and all I can think of is my self identity vanishing.
What am I doing? What am I thinking? Where am I going with thi whole train of.. Stuff?
That is my rant. That is how I fel. And now the pressure of it all has just doubled, because now it's hear for Nios to see. And Nios' pass a judgement on me I am too afraid to hear.
Boy, TGG is just a bumbling guild of adolescents trying to find their true identities, isn't it? Oi vey.
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 9:29 pm
Well, I must say I didn't quite expect that. I think it's ok that you want to call me she. I mean, I'm the only one denying it right? I have no proof otherwise. I don't even have enough to even prove to myself that I really am a man. I don't even feel confident enough in saying I'm a man.
With that said I feel even less confident saying I'm a woman. I actually flinch to the sound of "she" "her" "girl" and such. I don't really know why. There is nothing insulting in those words even though it's how they make me feel sometimes. One thing I struggle with sometimes is sexism. I find myself to be intolerably sexist against women. I blame it on myself resenting my girl body and being raised as a girl, but that is not an excuse to be sexist at all. I have no close female friends. I find it incredibly difficult to open up to females.
As I said Q, I think of you as "Q". If you want me to think of you otherwise I will.
I know I try to act all sure of myself when I say I'm transsexual, but in all honesty I'm not that sure. I'm one of those people that needs proof. All I can say with certainty is that I'm not a girl. I can say that I'm suffering from some form of gender dysphoria.
Maybe it's the way I was raised? I always played with boys. I acted like a boy. In the summer I felt no embarrassment for taking my shirt off on a hot day [this is before I hit puberty and grew breasts]. My father always wanted me to "stay his little girl." He always complained that I was too old. He's said it for as long as I can remember. Maybe he wants me to be such a little girl that I was never born?
My father was a sexist man. I should say he is sexist but I forget he's still alive sometimes. Actually he could be dead, I don't really know. He always favoured my brother. This is hard for a kid my age because he's my twin. What makes him better? "Oh I know! He's a boy!" Could these be reasons why I reject myself? Am I really transgendered at all? Or am I just a whiny tomboy/f** hag?
The other day my mother told me that it is actually rare to have twins of different sexes. The doctor told her that twins are usually born as two girl or two boys. The whole twin thing upsets me. Before I even knew that information it bothered me. Maybe I was really was meant to be a boy but the horomones and such weren't distributed correctly? There are a lot of cases of twins and transgenderism even identical twins where one is actually a different gender.
Ok now I'm rambling away from my point. I don't even know if I had a point. One thing I know is that I'm terrible at keeping my thoughts short.
Self identification is something with no real proof and nothing concrete except your own thoughts. Sometimes there aren't even labels to "catergorize" everyone. Some people are just, people.
When I came out to my boyfriend I was shocked about his reaction. He said he'd still love me. I've known about pansexuals but I know my boyfriend is not one. He is quite simply a heterosexual male who just happens to be in love with someone like me.
I remember talking about pansexualism briefly with JoVo and then a thought popped into my head. Could I love a woman? I'm not particularly attracted to women. Sure I've had some thoughts but nothing I've ever really wanted to act on. But what if I did meet a girl and I fell in love with her? What would I do then? The only thing I can say to that is I'll have to deal with it when/if it happens. I've got enough things to worry about without adding more hypothetical ones.
Loving people outside of the binary code? Again I'll leave that to finding out if/when it happens. Honestly I don't even know if I'm capable of love. I'm in love with someone right now and I have been for the past few years. But they're dead now.
Something else interesting that I haven't been able to fit in elsewhere. The other day I told a lesbian friend of mine that I was transsexual. The conversation just happened to flow into it. I didn't just blurt it out. She has been a lesbian the whole time I've known her. She is very "butch" I guess you could say. I hate that term. Have a better one I could subsitute it with?Anyways she goes by a female name. She identifies as a lesbian but I don't really think of her that way. I just think of her as [insert name here]
Well when I told her she asked me, "What's a transsexual." I told her and then she asked me something that totally caught me off guard, "Am I still a lesbian then?" I was shocked. I barely knew what to say. I said something like, " I don't know are you?" I couldn't answer that for her but I'd never really thought about it. Unfortunately our conversation was cut short so that was the end of the conversation. I don't think that fit in anywhere I just felt like sharing it anyways.
Umm yeah. Identification is annoying. I don't know why humans strive for it.
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:10 pm
Nios' Shortest Rant Ever Whiplash + Binding = Pain stressed gonk
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:02 am
Nios Self identification is something with no real proof and nothing concrete except your own thoughts. Sometimes there aren't even labels to "catergorize" everyone. Some people are just, people. people are just people. No, wait -- I know you know that, but I still feel it's important to emphasize. All people are just people. And the catagories...I don't really think they work for anyone. Some better than others, it's true, but they're all based on generalizations and often rather arbitrary rules -- and nobody is the sum of their parts. It's kind of funny how something can mean so much and nothing at the same time. Have you thought of seeing a gender psychologist?
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:33 am
Astri Have you thought of seeing a gender psychologist? They have those? eek
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:10 am
Yes I believe that all people are people and I don't really care to catergorize. I have thought about going back to my old pshchologist. I'm just worried they might want me to start paying for it.
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:40 pm
Grr I'm cleaning my room because someone's coming to our house tomorrow morning because they're thinking of buying it. Perfect time for my cat to throw up on my floor. Not just once either, but twice. I feel bad for my cat, but why my room right now? gonk It's icky.
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 12:59 pm
I keep saying I've quit my job, but I really haven't. I need to.
But I just don't have the guts to do it.
The last time I gave my two week notice, my boss talked me out of it. I was afraid she would, I was prepared. But not enough, I guess.
So I stayed. Now I only work at a max once a week, and on-call.
But now it's turned into a massive phone tag battle.
If I sit around and do nothing, they usually don't call me, or forget to call me, and therefore, I don't have to go to work. Because I'm "on call" and they don't call me, how am I supposed to know? Exactly.
But when I go there to pick up my paycheck, they tell me I need to work on some day, and get out of the responsibility of calling me.
So I've gotten to avoiding the place like the plague.
I have little to no backbone unless I am pushed into a corner. I hate my job with a passion, but I'm not exactly cornered yet, so I will still probably do what I should if forced.
If they catch me on the phone, I panic, and I just say I'll do whatever it is they want so I don't have to talk to them.
But if I do that, oh no, now I have a commitment, and my parents uphold me to it.
So I started just being late to work. "Everyone else is late to work, and they never reprimend them, so it's fine", I'd say. My parents hate my attitude, but it's the only thing I have that won't drive me utterly crazy working with dogs all day.
I need a job, yes, I do. But I don't want to work at Best Friends.
But if I put in another two week notice, I will just be talked out of it again, and then what will I do?
My brain has certain social inhibitions set up, I CAN'T defend myself in certain situations socially, and knowing I can't take them out physically just locks me up and I go "Okay, whatever you want."
I'm sure that with enough time and effort, someone could easily coax me that I wasn't being raped, and in court it'd probably end up being the same way; no rape case, despite the mental washing.
Why is it that I am so MENTALLY RETARDED with real life situations?
I try self-help but I always take two steps back after every step gained, and mixed messages isn't helping me any!
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 1:32 pm
[Vague: Just PM it to me. Don't bother putting it up.]
[Vague Edit: Certain parts don't really belong, but I'd rather not censor some of the very valid feelings and points. I'll be putting up an edited version in a while, I hope you'll consider leaving it.]
[Vague: Why? So people can try and file a lawsuit when they have no case? I'm not wasting money on it, and it's not a big deal anyway. If nobody can take a rant with a grain of salt, then it shouldn't be posted. The rant thread was made to get rid of stress, not create more.]
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Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 7:45 pm
[Vague Edit: this doesn't belong here either. Since Q's seen it, it's now been recorded and removed.]
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Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 8:57 pm
You didn't want to make it a big thing, but you didn't PM it to me, instead? :/
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 3:53 am
Happy rant. Okay, maybe this isn't long enough to be a rant, but...we need some happy in here. Copied from my lj 'cause I'm lazy...
Wow. Okay, I watched Midnight Cowboy for the first time tonight (see it, if you haven't -- NOW). And it was wonderful, but it made me feel like crying for hours and hours. If [my best friend] hadn't been here for me to make noises at, I probably would have cried, actually. But...then I get online...
And people are still in love and adorable. People are still drawing beautiful sweet-tastic fanart. The internet can be so nice to me sometimes. Kinda like my dad, in a way: when we get on at all, it's ******** incredible.
Okay, but people. Couples. Being in love. It makes me so happy. Honestly, few things make me happier than seeing a couple on the street, holding hands or kissing or...just ******** looking at each other (omg there were these two older guys on the T the other day, and they were trying to be subtle-ish, but every now and then they would look at each other and smile and...omg). It's just... *glows* Teh love.
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 11:42 am
I saw the new Charley and the Chocolate factory yesterday and I have to say... I don't remember Willy's past ever being talked about in the first movie.
I wonder if it's in the book?
Well, regardless, it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and I really hope I didn't lose any braincells watching it, because for a second there... xd
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Posted: Sat Aug 06, 2005 4:17 pm
I don't like change. Why do people not like change? There was never a point in anyone's time where things did not change, yet there are so many of us that hate it anyways.
I'm moving. I want to move. I liked it here but I will like it in the new place. Maybe even more. I enjoy the idea of the excitement of living in an apartment, throwing a party, and just settling in. There is nothing left for me here.
Yet, I still don't like this change. I go to look for something but it's gone. I packed it an hour ago. When will I see it again? Oh maybe in a few more months when I actually move into the new place. Oh ok. I'm alright with that. Better pack more of my stuff.
Why am I even packing? I don't need all of these material goods. I should just throw them away. I've thrown a lot of stuff away but I'm still keeping so much. Do I think it will come in handy later? Is it just a nifty decoration? Or is there some form of sentimental value to it? At this point I feel like I don't care. It can all go.
Change is what I need right now. I know this doesn't sound like a rant but I'm in a very cynical mood again. It just happens. I just kind of snap ... at nothing. I better stop thinking before I make myself worse. I think I'll go pack. Yeah that's what I'll go do. I'll pack.
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Reply
![[Q]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/23/15/1f06246f41523_flip.png?t=1465986572_6.00_11)
