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Gawd!... I'm so tired that I'm on the verge of crying. I don't know if I can take more of this. Nearly everything is topsy-turvy. And all I want to do is sit down and rest, have a drink, and play a few games until I fall asleep. Then, I wanna wake up on my own, have another drink and play more games.

Is that too much to ask?

I used to suffer from chronic depression a few years back. It progressed into full agoraphobia. Things did eventually get better. I still suffer from it occasionally, but i could deal with it enough to actually have a life. But now that everything is going haywire, I can feel it manifesting again. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to physically talk to people. And, if I had it my way, I'd shut my front door and never see the outside again. I'd be happy with that. At least for a couple of months.

Gawd, why must I deal with this, again...?

Okay, so, my mom and I haven't exactly been the closest of people. She was never really there...okay, she was there, but that's all it really seemed. She was either working her butt off to support me(which I understand, being a single mother isn't easy) or was tired from working, so my grandmother was really the one who raised me...my mom just 'acted' like a mom when I was in trouble or had a bad grade(which is pretty much a C...hell, she'd be mad at me if I had AB honor roll, cause I 'am smart enough to make A honor roll'...)

Then there's also the fact that she raised me to be her little servant...which I'm not projecting or just thinking, I know it, cause she actually admitted it to me...though, it was slave when she worded it, not servant...anyways, once I started rebelling(rather, I stopped caring about a lot of things, especially grades cause nothing was good enough unless it was her standards...), I ended up getting in more trouble with her, even though I didn't really do anything wrong.

Then there's the fact that I'm gay. She doesn't really like to talk about it, like if it's not spoken of, it doesn't really exist...even though she used to say 'if you're gay, it's okay'...

Actually, a lot's happened with my stepfather, too. He came into my life when I was...in elementary school. Because of him, we had to move repeatedly. He's an alcoholic, but sobered up. Then he became a crackhead, literally. Now, he's back in rehab for being an alcoholic. I didn't like him from the get-go, and still don't, and my mother doesn't understand why. Actually, she was always trying to force me to like him, threatening me with punishments(grounding me, basically) if I didn't call him Dad or say I love you when I said it to me...

My mother lives in Virginia, and has since...I was about 15. I stayed to live with my aunt in Raleigh, North Carolina(and boy, did I fight to stay...) and I'm now 19. We keep in touch everysooften, but she tends to get on my nerves, like asking me the same question every five seconds when I already gave her an answer the first time, or laughing at me when I'm frustrated(let's not get into the argument I had with her when she said 'it's a mother's prerogative to make their child feel bad so they can feel better'...not in that completeness, I said the first part[how she seemed like she was making me feel bad to make herself feel better] and she answered with "it's a mother's prerogative")

Recently, she reminded me about father's day, and we got into another argument. In the end, she basically told me that I was selfish, cold-hearted, and cruel(mainly because I said I love you and other things like it, as well as did stuff for my stepfather to get what I wanted). Normally, I'd agree with people, cause I do have that side of me and I acknowledge that, but when your own mother tells you that...*sighs* it really gets to you...

I'm not really looking for help or sympathy or anything like that, just looking for a place to spill all this out.

We love you Aldrick, don't be blue, buddy. You seem to me like such a kind and strong hearted person. I can say with confidence that you're going to make it through this and, if I can speak for everyone else on this, we all want to be there for you whenever you feel like you need us.

Byne, you are my ********, alright? I am a selfish b*****d who would do anything to get ahead. I am a deceitful p***k who would sooner laugh at someone insulting me than justify it with a response (knowing full well laughter is the best way to come back to anything). You? You're the nice gay kid that everyone likes. You're the person whose only enemies are narrow-minded rednecks (like Jiffy, believe it or not). There's nothing wrong with you, and if my mom forced some crack-head alcoholic on me when I was a kid, trust me when I say double homicide isn't out of the picture at that point.

What do I have to say about your predicament? All I can do is laugh. You're better than that, Byne. Do you know what the prerogative of sons for their mother's are? To piss them the ******** off. You're not her slave, and she can't make you call anyone your father. If your mother pisses you off so much, show some backbone, and not just defensive backbone. Go on the offensive. Make her cry before she understands that you don't have to do a damn thing she says, especially since you're 19 and a legal adult now. If I were you, I'd s**t in a box and mail it to that alcoholic for Father's day next year. Or better yet, send him some crack and a beer. Oh, what fun they will have, what with that rehabilitation he just spent trying to get off of the s**t.

But that would be psychotic.

Um...thanks, guys...uh, I wasn't expecting all this(honestly, i wasn't). I actually feel liked and loved...and a little creeped out(mainly at Mizu...I don't get invited to move in with people often, especially when I haven't physically met the person^_^; But I still love you, Mizu!)

But, seriously, thanks, guys...and gals...I'd say you guys could start calling me Joseph or Joe now, but Wak's still around, I think, and he was the first Josephiroth >_>;

...*facepalms* Sou, first off, I'm not going to do that, especially if it can be traced back to me. Second...I don't have money for crack! Not even the cheap stuff! *ish currently poor ;_;*

I have to agree. Bashing Al's mom isn't solving anything. Everyone has their problems.