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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:01 pm
Way Up High
Youth Quest Part 3
First time on a plane and a very sick Sidhe.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:02 pm
Back At The Beginning
Youth Quest Part 4
Back home for the first time.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:25 pm
This Can't Be Real
Youth Quest Part 5
There was nothing like the scent of rain soaked grass - not to Coailiann. Even apples and their lovely aroma could not compare to the pleasantness of earth mixed with water. It brought a sense of home and comfort.
Since her arrival in Ireland there was a sense of belonging and peace that had settled in her heart and had traveled down to the pit of her stomach. The rains hadn't been as bad as she would have thought and the grass...There truly was nothing like that green anywhere else in the world. It was strange being here - it had been like a distant dream before. Another life, another time...another her. Perhaps it was because it had been a lifetime ago that she'd been here and stood on these lands. A lifetime ago that she'd been able to breathe without a heaviness in her heart and be racked with regrets and uncertainties.
The sidhe pushed herself off the chair on the porch of the small cottage she had rented - away from the cities. She had come here to face her past, to find out why her dreams would not stop, and to find herself again - and sighed, looking down at the mug of hot tea that her hands currently cradled. The steam blew off the top of it from the chill in the air, puffing off until it could no longer be seen within the twilight of the evening.
Green eyes stared out at the rolling hills and a small smile touched her lips, lungs inhaling the scent once more before turning and heading inside. It had been a long day of unpacking and catching from the jet lag and rolling stomach that had wrapped her in its unpleasant package. Kay had been unable to enjoy her first time here. Home.
Yes, that was the word. Home.
A slow breath was let out as she entered, using her foot to close the door behind her. The rain may have stopped for now, but it was Ireland and it was bound to start up again. She did not need the earthy scent of the cottage to become musty with mold and too much water. She'd already aired all that out.
Carefully the mug was placed on the carved wooden table and she made her way to the bathroom, intent on slipping out of her clothes and into a more comfortable robe. However, Kay grew distracted by the mirror hanging on the wall, quietly looking into it to study her face. Such a difference a lifetime made...Delicate fingers raised to trace over the image in the smooth glass, feeling nothing but the cold of it and the metal contact sheet that caused reflection. "I need to know who I am." Her voice was soft, but the need to know was clearly laced within it.
"Bébhinn." Her reflection changed, showing that of a pure white girl - clothed in a white gown with bright, pale blue eyes "Tá tú Bébhinn." This voice was not her own, sounding completely of its own accord.
"I am not you anymore." She said, surprise entering her eyes - and certainty in her voice, "I am not pure, I am not weak. I will not die this time." English spilled from her lips, refusing to allow the same Gaelic which crossed her reflection's to sound.
"D'iarr tú a raibh tú, a dúirt tú ag teastáil uait a fháil. Tá tú Bébhinn. Beidh tú i gcónaí dom, Coailiann. Is é sin an t-ainm is fearr leat anois..."You asked who you were, you said you needed to know. You are Bébhinn. You will always be me, Coailiann. That is the name you prefer now...
"That is my name." She insisted, pulling her hand away from the mirror now that the initial surprise had faded. "That is who I am."
"Fuaime tú amhlaidh áirithe. A chuimhneacháin cúpla ó shin tú caillte fuaime agus éiginnte."You sound so certain. Just a few moments ago you sounded lost and unsure
The sidhe paused, not quite knowing how to respond to that. Bébhinn was right. She was uncertain and lost - wasn't that part of the reason she'd returned home? To face the demons of her past and try to find her future? Kay hated that her reflection was right. "Didn't you die?" Instead of admitting it, she lashed out. She always lashed out.
The reflection tilted her head, not physically flinching but it was in her eyes. "Aye, rinne mé. Ach cónaí orm i gcónaí taobh istigh de tú. Ní féidir liom siúl go fisiciúil i measc daoine ar bith níos mó, ach tá mé tú, de réir mar atá tú dom. Tá tú caillte sin, Coailiann. Tú curtha ó bhí tú ar chailín beag. Mar sin, i bhfad tá tú imithe tríd. Gortaítear mé duit. Ach ní féidir leat a bheith caillte amhlaidh aon níos mó - nó beidh tú caillfidh. Beidh chailleann tú leat féin. Caillfidh tú dom. Caillfidh tú iad siúd atá agat daor leo. Ní againn tugadh an deis le dramhaíl é. Tá tú níos láidre ná sin."Aye, I did. But I still live inside of you. I may not walk physically amongst people any longer, but I am you, as you are me. You are so lost, Coailiann. You have been since you were a small girl. So much you have gone through. I hurt for you. But you cannot be so lost any longer - or you will lose. You will lose yourself. You will lose me. You will lose those who hold you dear to them. We were not given this chance to waste it. You are stronger than that.
"I'm not losing anything." Though her voice wavered as she spoke - The reflection was speaking with such certainty. It had never lied to her before. Coailiann remembered coming face to face with the woman in the mirror - How painfully honest she had been with her future self. Bébhinn had been stripped her soul bare to the one who would be her salvation. Why would she lie to her now?
"Tá tú. Tá tú féin a chailleadh gach lá leat leanúint ar aghaidh leis seo!" Sudden emotion flooded the reflection's voice, "Gach lá théann tú i gcoinne a bhfuil tú, caillfidh tú. Beidh a bheith ann aon rud fágtha!"You are. You're losing yourself every day you continue with this! Every day you go against who you are, you lose yourself. There will be nothing left!
Coailiann turned from the mirror, though the reflection did not vanish as she hoped it would. What was it with people telling her things she did not want to hear?
"I don't know what to do." Voice was hushed as she spoke a moment later, sinking down to sit upon the tile of the floor, legs folding beneath her body, head bowed down to stare at the happy flowers painted there.
"Ní mór duit aghaidh leis."You must face him.
Head lifted immediately, "Face who exactly?"
"Caedric."
All color paled from Coailiann's face, then, and her heart dropped into her stomach. Caedric was alive.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:39 pm
Gathering Courage
Youth Quest Part 6
Yashima was almost whistling as he meandered into the little cottage. He had a cloth bag full of food he managed to scrounge up. Leaving Kay alone hadn't seemed like a big deal; he had needed to go fetch the dinner and even dropped off a letter to Zah while he did so. The fox felt bad for abandoning his lover like he had - at least Zasalamel had understood.
"Kay?" He called out, voice pitching upwards. "Coailiann, where are you? I have food! We can eat! Your ribs can stop showing, damn it." With the silence, he tossed the bag to the ground, heading to the only bathroom they had. Yashima knocked gently at the door. "Kay? You in there?"
The sound of the cottage's front door could easily be heard in such a small dwelling but Coailiann's mind was too busy trying to pick up the pieces and put them together in a way that made sense. Caedric was alive, after all these years? Granted she didn't know exactly how long it had been since she had been killed and the Sidhe were technically eternal but...Hadn't Karma kicked him in the a** or something? Apparently not.
"Yes." Her voice was tiny, but audible through the thin wood of the door, head leaning back against the sparkling porcelain that supported her currently. Her stomach rolled - she was going to get sick. It was the same feeling she got when near iron or steel only she knew that it wasn't going to go away as easily.
"Yes, I'm here." she repeated, attempting to put more strength in her voice but it failed.
"I have food." His hand went to the door knob but hesitated. Yashima was never one for barging in on people in the restroom, whether or not he thought they were sick (or in Kay's situation, possibly pregnant). Instead, another little rap. "You alright, Kay? You sound like hell. What happened?"
It took a moment for the sidhe to push herself up off the floor and another long moment for her fingers to get the courage to wrap around the handle. It was as if she was expecting someone other than Yashima to be on the other side of it. However, it opened, and she stood there looking at him with a rather...terrified and pale look on her face. "He's alive." Her voice never raised, still tiny as ever - frightened.
Yashima cocked his head, eyebrows pressed together. He studied his current roommate. She looked like hell but, well, he wasn't quite sure if he could say that out loud without being backhanded and yelled at. Kay was a girl and thus, unpredictable. At least Yashima knew who 'he' was. It took a minute, but he shrugged, almost carelessly.
"So? Kill him."
"...I can't." He spoke as if it were the simplest thing in the world, but it wasn't. Coailiann didn't even know if she could face the b*****d and she'd never killed anyone in her life. The last time she'd been in the position to do so, someone had had to take the gun from her and shoot it in a futile attempt at heroism. She'd been a little girl then, but it wasn't all that long ago.
"Yes, you can." Yashima turned on his heel and sauntered the scant few feet to the food bag. He continued talking as he scooped up the bag, began to unpack it. "You think you can't because you're, well. You. Sidhe and all that stuff. But you can. It's easy, Kay."
The fox glanced over his shoulder to her, ears flicked back halfway. "You won't do it. But you can."
"How can you take things so calm?" She demanded, gaining some of her voice back as she stalked out of the bathroom to follow him. Something about his nonchalance infuriated her - but that was a better feeling than fear and uncertainty. At least it was a solid feeling that she could hold onto.
"How can it be easy to take a life?!"
"Stop yelling," said Yashi calmly. He didn't look at Caoiliann again, his concentration back onto his cooking. Yashima unraveled his traveling chefs kit. It was smaller than the one he kept at home, but the quality was not lacking. He plucked up one of the more diminutive, sharper knives and twirled it in his fingers. "It's easy, Kay. You take this little knife, here, and you stab them. Or you put your hands on their temples and put over ten pounds of pressure. You just do it."
Another twist of the fingers and the knife before Yashima began to peel a potato. "You can kill him, Kay. He's one of the court too, right? He has a deal with iron?" Yashima's lips twitched, then. "Take an iron knife with a leather handle and stab the ******** in the chest. Then it will be very easy."
Yashima's calm about death was...scary, actually. Green eyes regarded him for a moment, mouth unable to form words as she tried to sort heads from tails. This was a side of the kitsune that she had not seen before and she wasn't quite sure she liked it. Quietly, she sat down at the table to watch him peel the potato. "Yashima..." Kay started, though couldn't figure out what to say after his name.
"...I'm not strong, Yashima. As much as I like to pretend I'm not tiny and weak, I'm not strong. I can take care of myself if I need to. I took the women's defense courses at the Y when I had to live in Durem, and I damn well know where the vulnerable spots are on an attacker. But if I kill him, does that make me any better than he was?"
Yashima sneered, the corners of his lips twisting in what could have been translated as contempt. It didn't mean he gave up the peeling, nimble digits twisting back and forth, around the thick flesh of it. "Caoiliann," he drawled out in response to her initial response.
"Don't give me that. What does it matter if it makes you better or not? He deserves it, he's alive, and why else are you here? Praise the Gods, Kay, it isn't as if I'm telling you to skin him alive and feed him to the selkies. It's a good idea, though." The potato was placed to the side and another one picked up in its place. "You aren't a victim. Grow a damn spine and act like the heroine of this story, not the sidekick."
"I don't know why I'm here! I don't even know who I am half the time, Yashima!" Voice raised, but it was far from yelling. "Maybe my sister wasted something on getting me here. I don't know. I don't know what I was meant to do. Every time I'm faced with something I fail." Frustration was obvious as she stood up, moving over to her friend and glaring at him.
"I have a god damn spine, Yashima. If I didn't have a spine I wouldn't have made it where I was living." Sure it hadn't been the best of a living and her boss had a tendency to hit her every now and then and...
...She really didn't have a ******** knife was put down with a purposeful click. The fox turned slowly to the raised voice, his eyes flat. Zasalamel didn't raise his voice to him and he, honestly, was the only person allowed to do so. Kay was upset and that was the only reason she wasn't instantly shot down with that tone.
"Has it ever occurred to you to stop failing?" Yashima said slowly, his voice very, very soft. "Every time you're faced with something, you submit. That is how you survived. It wasn't because you have a spine or because you could face danger. If you had a spine, you would've told so many other people off that you should have."
He bared his teeth, head cocked up as he looked down on her. Her glaring did nothing. Yashima was not pleased.
"Grow a spine. Kill the b*****d. You can only tell me off because I love you and you know it."
"I'm terrified." Of what, she wasn't sure. She didn't know if it was facing him again, having to go back to the place to face her death, or the fact that she didn't know what she would do if she actually stopped failing. How screwed up was that? To be afraid of success? The sidhe's fingers curled around themselves, hands twisting in front of her as she took a deep breath before she murmured an old Irish proverb, "A live dog is better than a dead lion."
The proverb rolled over her mind a few times. There were so many proverbs and sayings of her people that screamed at her to forget he existed. But if she forgot he existed would she live in fear the rest of her life?
Tá tú an buntáiste, Coailiann. Níl sé ann a fhios agat.
Lips quirked upward, "A woman can beat the devil." Voice more certain, this time. And then she moved forward and wrapped her arms around the kitsune, head burying itself in his chest.
"If you do not enter the tiger's cave, you will not catch its cub," he agreed, instantly more casual with her yelling and glaring gone. Angry women were not the way to Yashima's heart, not really. The hug, though, caught him off guard. His hands went up into the air, awkward, dark eyes on her. Guh. A hug.
Kay got a very gentle pat on the head.
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Yashima paused. "... Would you like an iron knife, Kay?"
She shook her head, "I can't use iron. I can't be near the stuff, it weakens me even if I'm not touching it directly" It made her stomach roll, made her lose concentration. That could be deadly to her. If she was going to do this, if she was going to find the man who had tortured her and left her to die then she was going to be the one walking out of there. Not him.
"He doesn't know I exist anymore. Maybe...Maybe I could use that to my advantage...Caedric was always fond of women..." Disgust entered her voice as she pulled away from Yashima.
"That's too bad." He wrinkled his nose and hopped back a step to turn back to his cooking. The knife back in hand, Yashima neatly stabbed it through the potato. It stuck, and spun. He stared down at it.
"Don't do anything that will make you go into a panic attack or something. Just do it. Don't think. And then it's easy." One hip against the counter, a hand on his other hip. "Bring back a trophy."
"How can you say it so easily, though, Yashima?" Her brows furrowed as she moved to sit at the table again, reaching out for the mug sitting on the table - the contents long gone cold. She didn't care. Coailiann raised it to her lips anyway and took a long sip of it. "I don't understand."
Coailiann still doubted she could do it - but she was going to face him either way.
"Just because I look like a f** doesn't mean I fight like one. Zah and I've... We had to do things, after we grew up. He went a little crazy." Yashima shrugged and didn't turn to face her. The sip of liquid drew his attention, along with a gag.
"Kay, is that cold? Give that here - let me make you some tea. Augh. That must taste horrible." He held out his hand with an empirical flick of his wrist, nose going in the air. He flexed his fingers. "Give it here."
"Ah. I see." She didn't press. One thing that Coailiann was good at was not pressing. Part of the sidhe code, but she didn't know that. It was instinctual.
"It is tea. Apple blossom." Of course it was. "It's not...bad. But it was better when it was hot." There was a soft laugh as she handed the mug over to him, tilting her head to the side. "You are such a tea snob." Teasing - such a turn around.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:43 pm
Finding My Past
Youth Quest Part 7
There was something very eerily calm about walking into somewhere you weren't sure you'd get out of. All the building up had led to this moment and Coailiann wasn't confident in actually taking the steps into the cairn that rested beneath her feet. She didn't even think she could remember the way inside it had been so long. The sidhe was running off of faint memories and impressions rather than solid evidence and that was never a really good way to do things. Of course there was not other way for her to do it, either, so there was not much a choice.
Something inside of her screamed to turn around and go back to the cottage. To go back to the warmth and safety of her friend's presence. Fighting to ignore it, Coailiann closed her eyes and took a deep, slow breath to let the calm wash over her once more. Nobody knew she was coming. Nobody remembered her. Nobody...Nobody...Nobody.
Nobody.
With that thought firmly in her mind she steeled herself for the task ahead of her. Was this the right cairn? There was a sense of familiarity to the grass beneath her feet. As if she'd walked there hundreds of years ago. Existed beneath it. But second guessing herself came as easy to Coailiann as breathing and with something as large of this it was inevitable.
Is féidir leat é a dhéanamh.You can do it.
"Can I?" Coailiann spoke aloud, voice soft and unsure. Could she? Hand curled against her chest, over her heart, as if it could give her the answer she was seeking. Nothing changed in its steady beat.
"I have to." She said a moment later, "A woman can beat the devil." The phrase she'd spoken to Yashima spilled from her tongue, a reminder that she had what she needed to do this. And Caedric was most definitely a devil, no doubt about that particular fact.
Now wrapped in calm and confidence once more, Coailiann opened her eyes, scanning the emerald grass for the entrance. It had to be there - right? Invisible to eyes other than those it held...Aha! There it was. A faint magic-laced patch along the very side of the hill. It was impossible to ignore the burning stench of raw fae magic. Kay had forgotten how strong that pure magic was - she knew her own wasn't even remotely close to that strength.
Her confidence faltered only a moment - steeled by pure stubbornness. She'd started it, and now it must be finished. Without another moment's hesitation she made her stride to the patch, letting herself sink down into the hill where the familiar stone flagging lay beneath her feet. Home.
Ní mór duit láidir anois, Coailiann. Ní dóigh liom go bhfuil an féidir liom cabhrú leat níos mó. Ní mór duit é seo a dhéanamh ar do chuid féin, mo féin. You must be strong now, Coailiann. I do not think I can help you anymore. You must do this on your own, my own. The voice seemed to fade as it spoke and Coailiann could no longer feel her there. It was unnerving in so many ways but at the same time she knew that what Bébhinn said was truth. Besides...She was Bébhinn, wasn't she?
"I do not need a manifestation of my past self to give me my confidence." She murmured to herself, glancing around the hill and taking in the smell of moist earth. "I am me, I am her. I am. And I can do this." Hey, Coailiann was growing better at this pep-talk thing.
Now, first things first - she could not stand there talking to herself like a loon. Blending in was kind of important and that was exactly why she'd decided against her usual attire and used what little money she had left to purchase a simple, elegant pink, white and gold dress. It was uncomfortable and not the best for fighting in but at least she would not be pegged as an outsider right away. And it hid her tattoos...Unfortunately, she'd also had to take out her piercings. She felt naked without her piercings now.
Devoid of any makeup and anything remotely modern the sidhe started down the hall, bare feet curling into the stone every so often - it was cold and familiar. Everything here was familiar. The walls, the columns, the stone and the statues. As she passed down the hallway, it was almost as if she were walking these halls for the ten thousandth time. Fingers delicately traced along the marble so cool to the touch and so redolent with magic. It burned, but in a pleasant way. She was immersed. It had been so long since she'd felt it pulsing, feeding, growing much like the earth itself did. It was an amazing feeling...And suddenly she remembered exactly why mortals never left. It was addicting.
"Right. Right. Not mortal. I will be leaving." Coailiann muttered to herself, forcing her feet to move again. She'd once known these halls by heart and while it was slowly coming back to her it was far from clear to her. Which way was the royal chambers...? Kay came to a stop where her hallway met another creating a crossroad of sort. "Right or left...Right or le---FT!" A hand on her shoulder caused her to jump, green eyes widening as she almost lost her balance, steadied only by those hands.
"Logh féin ... Tá mé leithscéal sin! An bhfuil tú go maith? Chaill An bhfuil tú?"Pardon me...I am so sorry! Are you alright? Are you lost? An unfamiliar voice spoke, hands moving off the girl and going to his sides immediately in respect for the woman before him. Coailiann turned, coming face to face with what appeared to be the spitting image of Caedric. She froze. This couldn't be him...could it? Lips parted to speak but nothing came out so she closed them tightly a moment later - fear crossing her features.
Calm.
Taking a deep breath to gather her wits about her, Coailiann shook her head. "Tá mé breá, buíochas a ghabháil leat. Ní mé caillte." I am fine, thank you. I am not lost. Not...exactly a lie. Which was good, because here she felt the familiar weight against her chest - she couldn't outright tell a lie. She'd never...felt that before outside of this hill. It frustrated her.
"An-maith." The boy said, bowing his head and offering her a smile before striding off down the hallway again. Coailiann watched him head down the hall, breathing a sigh of relief. That could not have been Caedric. He was...young. And as ageless as her people were, he would have definitely aged more than that. Now that she had time to think about it, there were small differences as well. His hair wasn't as red as Caedrics - taking on a more earthy auburn. The eyes had been a slightly different hue as well - flecked with gold, more hazel than brown.
Taking a moment to recuperate from her scare, Coailiann once more looked between the two directions. Left, she decided. It was left. Four doors down...Near a small mark on the wall that she and Diarmaid had carved when she was younger.
With a purpose in her stride, Coailiann began to walk again. Door one. Door two. Door three...Door four. Fingertips went to trace over the gouges in the marble, a small sad smile on her lips. She had loved him so deeply. He was not what she was here for. Delicate fingers curled around the ornate knob and she turned it with a soft click, the door easily pushing open. The man sat there at his desk, taller, more regal, older. At the noise, he looked up from the paperwork on his desk, questions in his eyes.
"Caedric." Her voice came out stronger than she expected it to. "Ní mór dúinn a labhairt." We need to talk.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:49 pm
You Have No Power Over Me
Youth Quest Part 8
They needed to talk? About what? As far as he was aware he did not know this woman though there was something about her, something familiar and he couldn't for the life of him put a finger on it just yet. It were varying similarities about her and most of it was within the way her magical signatures seemed to read to him but again he couldn't seem to place any of it. He just knew that it was a very long time ago since he felt any of this. Too long. A feeling of remorse began to awaken within him and he couldn't name why. He set his pen down and pushed the paperwork away a sign that she had his complete attention for the moment while he tried to figure out who she was.
Was this woman someone that attended his wife mayhap or maybe his daughter? Was there something wrong? Soon there would be an answer he was certain of it. "Cad tá sé gur gá dúinn a labhairt faoi?"What is it that we need to talk about? he said finally. Caedric didn't bother asking as to whether or not this could wait obviously to barge in like this it was a matter that couldn't wait.
Coaliann nearly lost her nerve then as that voice hit her. Too familiar. Too uncomfortable. Her heart sped up as she fought with the urge to turn and walk away. "Cad a tharla fada ó shin"What happened a long time ago. She said slowly, heart catching in her throat. She took a moment to steel herself - weakness in his presence would not be tolerated.
"An gcuimhneoidh tú liom? Mo screads?" Do you remember me? My screams?
Her lips fought to smirk but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Arm went back, fingers grasping the handle to pull the door closed with another soft click. "Tá mé cinnte go bhfuil tú."I'm sure you do. Voice held the venom she felt - recalling every last detail. She shuddered and took a few steps forward. The knife that she'd taken from Yashima was strapped to her side, at the ready - unfortunately not the Iron that he'd suggested. She did not want to be sick.
"Tá a fhios agam duit a dhéanamh."I know you do.
For a moment his expression was that of a man at a loss for words. His mind rifled through memories both long gone and more recent. At his youth he had been a proud man, an angry man but it was all rooted toward one person as far as he could recall and after she had died...
His fingertips went numb as his eyes widened a as he moved to stand, "Tá sé leat,"It's you. he breathed out suddenly in a moment of shock but not dismay. No this had been long time coming though why her spirit hadn't risen sooner to strike at him he couldn't say for sure; perhaps it wanted to wait until it had more to take from him for a truly vengeful strike. When he was young he had nothing but now he had much more to lose and he found irony in the sense that even if she was here to take all that from him he long decided that he would let her as an act of retribution.
"Mar sin, tá tú a thagann deireadh le déanamh agam i do cad a rinne mé chun tú, biotáille bhfeice," So you've finally come to do me in for what I did to you, vengeful spirit he said slowly as he moved around his desk to present himself more clearly for her strike. He had no apologies for they felt empty in the face of his crimes toward the one he claimed to have loved.
All the steam that the woman had created within herself almost deflated at that. He seemed to be shocked - that much she expected...But there was no dismay or fear. There was no haughty arrogance in him. No taunting. No...anything. Simply...acceptance, it seemed? Her eyes hardened. This had to be a ploy. It had to be some kind of trick to give him sympathy and to let him walk away unscathed. He knew her too well. Knew that she would falter.
"Tá mé aon spiorad, Caedric,"I'm no spirit, Caedric She spoke, straightening herself and lifting her head to give the appearance of certainty. "Seasamh mé roimh tú i flesh agus i fola."I stand before you in flesh and in blood. It was not because she had wanted to wait to take her vengeance. It was because she'd been bloody well stuck in that horrible place until Matilda...
Wait. Where did that come from?
Confusion flitted in her eyes. She hadn't thought that...No, no, she couldn't be distracted.
He stared at her quietly. Caedric seemed at peace with this act. In fact shortly after her execution he had night terrors of his own every time a shadow flickered just so or something moved he always thought it was her come back for her revenge and that didn't include the nightmares he had of every violent death she dealt him in his dreams. Already he had punished himself it seemed that her death had brought a gradual realization of her him.
If he had loved her as he had claimed? He wouldn't have forced himself on her.
If he had loved her he wouldn't have had her killed, either.
...If he had loved her he would have content to see her smile and be happy from a distance.
All these things he realized over time as guilt and remorse at him and had their way. It wasn't until his wife came that he found a reason to live once more. Then they had children together and all was bliss for the most part but he still felt that guilt, that bit of darkness within the corner of him. The horror of his acts that his blind pride, his arrogance caused him to commit because he couldn't let go.
"Agam de bharr pian i bhfad leat..."I have caused you much pain he said softly, "Is fiú mé an."I deserve this.
Coailiann had come in expecting a much more frightening man. The man that stood in front of her was nothing like she had thought he would be. She blinked a few times and backed up toward the door, not sure how to take the man in front of her. So open for punishment. So willing to take whatever it was that she was going to dish out to him.
"Ní féidir leat a bheith an fear céanna."You can't be the same man. She muttered under her breath, mind whirring in attempt to find some kind of explanation for this twist of events. This wasn't right. She was faltering and she knew it. "Ní féidir leat a!"You can't be! This time her voice held more resolve, green eyes narrowing. "Gráin tú dom. Tá fuath agam duit. D'oibrigh sé."You hated me. I hated you. It worked.
Since her entry now he smiled at her though the smile lacked venom and hatred, "Gráin liom tú an méid sin mar bhí mé tú chomh híseal,"I hated you so much because I wanted you so badly he admitted with a small shrug as he moved toward her as if daring her to strike at him and a part of him was, "Gráin agam ort toisc nach raibh mé in ann tú i measc na cúiseanna eile,"I hated you because I could not have you amongst other reasons Caedric confessed with the smile fading ever so slightly. Was that really what it was? Hatred? His mind had muddled much of what had happened due to the years going past and her being dead. Did he do to her what he did because he actually hated her?
Obviously so.
"Ní féidir liom a shealbhú mo iníon nó mo bhean chéile le coinsiasa soiléir; mo lámha a dhaite le fola, do fola."I can't hold my daughter or my wife with a clear conscience; my hands are stained with blood, your blood He held up his hands as of to show the blood but there was nothing there. Caedric's guilt was obviously a heavy burden but not one that he willingly gave up for any reason. If need be he would strike at her just to give her what she wanted, what she came for.
Perhaps if he...
False bravado came over him as a ghost of a grin he stated in a half-hearted, "Cosúil leat Thaitin sé chomh mór sin a tháinig tú ar ais le haghaidh níos mó."Apparently you liked it so much you came back for more. The words felt filthy as they spilt from his lips. Lips he used to kiss his children good night, lips he used to tell his wife that he loved her.
Filthy.
"Sin dúr."That's stupid. Coailiann spat out at his explanation. "Gráin agat dom mar nach bhféadfadh agat dom? D'fhéadfadh aon duine a dom! An bhfuil a fhios agat conas uaigneach go raibh? Chun a fhios sin mar gheall ar an gcaoi a rugadh mé a bhí greamaithe mé féin, ar idol inmhianaithe a adhradh ó afar agus nach aon ní de adoration fíor a fhios?!"You hated me because you couldn't have me? Nobody could have me! Do you know how lonely that was? To know that because of how I was born I was stuck alone, a desired idol to be worshipped from afar and never know anything of true adoration Words spilled from her lips, fueled by anger and resentment long held in reserve. Things she had refused to deal with when she had grown into her teenage years. Emotions that she had forced herself to forget. "Gráin agam ort toisc go raibh tú díreach cosúil le gach duine eile."I hated you because you were just like everyone else.
Coailiann closed her eyes tightly, momentarily forgetting where she was. Guard was let down as she tried to deal with the turmoil of emotions that were assaulting her. It was what she got for refusing to deal with them for so long.
"Mar gheall ar tú mé a bhí ag maireachtáil trí dá shaolré. Mé go raibh relive sin amháin faoi dhó. Mé go raibh a streachailt agus a neamhchinnte, agus lag agus eagla."Because of you I've had to live through two lifetimes. I've had to relive that one twice. I've had to struggle and scrape and be insecure and weak and AFRAID Her voice held its venom still - though there was something in it. Something...sorrowful. Confessional. "Tugadh isteach mé an ama sin don dara seans. Ní féidir liom a fheiceáil deis féin dara. An dara seans do cad?!"I was brought into this time for a second chance. I don't see a ******** second chance. Second chance for what She was lost.
...And then he spoke words that made her stomach roll. Vomit crept up into her throat and it was by sheer will that she didn't lose it, swallowing it down with her ire as her green eyes snapped open. "Cad a tharla do chiontacht?"What happened to your remorse? Confusion. Which was real?
Caedric's eyes widened as if struck by her words he made a sudden swipe at the air as he gave out a passionate cry, "Déan iarracht á dhéanamh amach! Bain triail á neamhaird agus sá thalamh ar theagascóirí do gach de do shaol óg! Bain triail as é tar éis a chur ar idol tú mar iontach agus a dúirt an rud nach féidir leat a bhaint amach. Ar a laghad ar dhaoine atá ag teastáil uait agus aird leat,"Try being outshone! Try being ignored and foisted off on tutors for all of your young life! Try having that idol put upon you as ideal and being told this is something you can never achieve. At least people desired you and paid attention to you he spat back suddenly angry, hurt, and upset. Sure he never lacked for anything, never really lacked for attention but the types of attention they received and had were entirely different and in a way he was bitter for it. So very bitter.
"Cosúil atá tú ag baint úsáide as do dara seans chun gearán a dhéanamh ag dom faoi rudaí atá san am atá caite, áit ag gníomhú go cinntitheach agus ag cur do bhfeice nó cibé Meastar é tú a dhéanamh anseo,"Apparently you're using your second chance to whine at me about things that are in the past, instead of acting decisively and taking your vengeance or whatever it is you thought to do here he growled suddenly turning his back to her and his head bowed as he tried to reign in his anger and resentment which had taken over his remorse.
He didn't see her confusion and didn't wish to see it now. Caedric's remorse still was there but now it was drowning in old feelings of returned resentment toward the woman behind him.
Fingers moved to the dagger at her side, wrapping around the hilt and pulling it from the make shift sheath that had been made there. "An rud gur mhaith leat, Caedric? Ar mhaith leat mé a chur an scian tríd tú gan chiontacht agus siúlóide away? Sin an méid a tháinig mé anseo a dhéanamh. Tháinig mé anseo chun an duine féin agus do shaol mhaith leat a chur ghlac mianach."Is that what you want, Caedric? Do you want me to shove this knife through you without remorse and walk away? That's what I came here to do. I came here to face you and take your life like you took mine The words felt horrible on her tongue - She suddenly felt sick again but pushed it aside. "Níl mé cinnte cad níos mó brónach. An bhfíric go bhfuil mé go raibh dul tríd an saol an dara agus an chuma air nach fios cad a dhéanamh leis nó an bhfíric go bhfuil tú go harbored céanna resent agus searbh do na céadta bliain!"I'm not sure what's more sad. The fact that I have had to go through this second life and seem to not know what to do with it or the fact that you have harbored that same resentment and bitterness for hundreds of years!
Coailiann straightened herself out, blade pointed toward the floor but still in her grasp as she made her way toward him. "Tháinig mé anseo chun aghaidh leat mar gá dom. Toisc go dtí os mé tú, ní raibh mé in ann bogadh ar aghaidh le mo shaol. Ní raibh mé teacht anseo chun whine ag tú thart ar an am atá caite. A tháinig mé chun freagraí a fháil. A tháinig mé chun éisteacht leat impigh do do shaol begged mhaith liom chun mianach."I came here to face you because I need to. Because until I faced you, I couldn't move on with my life. I didn't come here to whine at you about the past. I came to get answers. I came to hear you beg for your life like I begged for mine The dagger was plunged into the wood of his desk with all the force of her ire as she stared him down...Still so much smaller than him. Anger was overtaking caution which could be a deadly thing.
Yashima had said it would be easy to kill him. Even standing there with all her anger, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Why.
He gave an uncaring grunt at her retort and shrugged them off; a hand went up to his forehead as he rubbed his fingertips against it. Caedric knew better than to deny the fact of what he had done. He knew better than that. His steam and anger was short lived though he held onto it for long enough, it wasn't as bright or as fierce as when he was young. "Má tháinig tú chun an doiciméad a fheiceáil dom mé mar a bhí nuair a bhfuil tú ag dul a bheith díomá,"If you came to see me as I once was you are going to be disappointed he said plainly, his anger gone.
"Má tá tú ag iarraidh mé a leithscéal, bheadh sé díreach cosúil folamh tar éis gach agam go bhfuil déanta duit. Más mian leat mé a impigh do mo shaol agus tú,"If you wanted me to apologize it would just seem empty after all that I have done to you. If you wanted me to plead for my life while you he saw her plunge the dagger into his desk and gave a minor flinch at the sound before he continued, "sin a bhrú arís is arís eile i mo ciste, ba chóir duit a thagann ar ais túisce. Tá mé eaglach, Bébhinn, go bhfuil do phantoms agus Shadows glacadh an phléadáil do mo shaol as cheart dom."plunge that repeatedly into my chest, you should have come back sooner. I am afraid, Bebhinn, that your phantoms and shadows have taken the pleading for my life right out of me.
He spoke her name as he had known it then. It was the only name he knew.
Caedric stared at her quietly, "Mar sin má Tugann sé sásamh ort, ar do dara seans a dtugtar 'a mharú le fear a bhfuil díobháil leat ansin é a dhéanamh, ach déan cinnte ... Níl mo bhean agus a iníon an doiciméad a fheiceáil carnage fhágann tú thiar."So if it brings you satisfaction, on your so called 'second chance' to kill a man that has harmed you then do it, but make sure ... my wife and daughter do not see the carnage you leave behind
Fingers remained around the hilt, turning white from her grip against it. "Tá tú ceart. Bheadh Do Leithscéalta a bheith ar aon úsáid. Tá brón orainn ach focal."You're right. Your apologies would be useless to me. Sorry is only a word Her anger was still there; not easily killed as Caedric's it seemed. She tried to move her arm...it refused. She couldn't do it.
Do it.
"Ní féidir liom."I can't. She hissed, "Bheadh sé aon rud a réiteach a chur ar do shaol. Bheadh sé dom a dhéanamh ar bith níos fearr ná tú. Mar a oiread agus is mian liom, an oiread go mbeadh súil agam go mbeadh sé a thabhairt dom an tsíocháin, ní bheidh sé."It would accomplish nothing to take your life. It would make me no better than you. As much as I want to, as much as I would hope it would bring me peace, it won't. Coailiann knew that she could never look at herself in the mirror if she took someone's life. Her second life had been more drenched in death than her past and while she had long ago put to rest the ghosts of Danny and Neveah, there was nothing she could do in her mind that would convince her that taking a life was okay. But still she refused to let go of the knife.
Whether she was talking to Caedric or herself was uncertain. Yashima was right. She had no spine. This proved it. Why couldn't she do such a simple movement?
"...Ní bheidh deireadh sé bás i am seo."It will not end in death this time. Her voice sounded sure of itself, then, as she tensed her muscle and pulled the knife out of the desk, slipping it into its sheath safely.
"Maireachtáil le pian atá tú é ba chúis dom pionós leor."Living with the pain you've caused me is punishment enough And him knowing she'd had two lifetimes of it was enough, right? She hoped so.
"...Amháin insint dom cén fáth."...Just tell me why. Her voice sounded lost again. "Bhí mé i bhfad sin a thabhairt. Mar sin, i bhfad..."I had so much to give. So much...
He let her talk he had no real input to give other than let her talk and have her let it out. When she finally moved to sheath the blade he moved to sit at his desk with a small shake of his head and a little sigh when he was asked why he had did what he had done. There was no real 'good' reason as to why that he could explain. What he had done was not a good reason for anything finally he laid his hands flat on his desk and confessed, "A dhéanamh ina bhfothraigh tú, agus mar sin d'fhéadfadh agam faoi dheireadh a bhí agat ar cheann de na cúiseanna. Toisc go raibh bhrú agat dom as baile fiú nuair gach rinne mé a thairiscint, ar dtús, cairdeas. Toisc a bhí mé óg, bhí mé dúr, agus bhí mé feargach, Bébhinn."To make you impure, so I could finally have you was one of the reasons. Because you pushed me away even when all I did offer, at first, was friendship. Because I was young, I was stupid, and I was angry, Bebhinn. He shook his head and then looked up at her, the remorse was finally back.
"Tá gach a fhios agam go bhfuil aon cheann de a d'fhéadfaí a mheas mar 'leithscéal' as an méid a bhí déanta agam duit. Tá a fhios agam beidh mé ag maireachtáil le sé go dtí an bás mé, buille faoi thuairim mé is féidir leat a sástachta a fhios agam fós mé chiontacht ... Ní mian liom maithiúnas agat, ní féidir liom dul é,"All I know is that none of that could be considered as 'excusable' for what I had done to you. I know I will live with it until I die, I guess you can have the satisfaction of knowing I remain haunted...I do not want your forgiveness, I do not deserve it Caedric said softly as he looked over toward his paperwork.
"Níl mé ag dul ar an teaghlach agam anois, tá sé mar má táim á bréag a bhfuil ábhar go léir ar fud na dom agus tá mé in ann taitneamh a bhaint as a giotán amháin de," Caedric sighed and gave a humorless chuckle as he moved to place his paperwork before himself again.
"Tá súil agam go bhfuil,"I hope it does she said sincerely, "Tá súil agam go bhfuil a fhios agat cad teaghlaigh atá déanta agat. Agus sin tá tú mhúintear iad a bheith níos fearr ná tú. Chun fad atá tú a bhí os cionn cumhacht dom, Caedric. Bhí mé scanraithe de a bheith agam, nó aon ní maith liom é, mar ní raibh mé ag iarraidh é a tharlaíonn arís."I hope that your family knows what you've done. And that you've taught them to be better than you. For so long you've had power over me, Caedric. I was terrified of being who I am, or anything like I was, because I didn't want it to happen again. There was a pause as she looked at him for a moment, "Ní gá duit cumhachta sin thar dom níos mó."You don't have that power over me anymore At least facing him had let her take one thing away if it was not his life. It was her self worth. The man who had done such horrible things to her was suffering. She had made him a better man, as odd as that was, it made her feel better.
The heaviness in her heart lifted as she spoke, turning away from the man at the desk. She had accomplished what she needed to without taking a life. Regardless of what Yashima thought of her inability to kill the man, she was proud of herself. It was time to go home. She stopped just before she reached the door, "Bealtaine fhios agat aon rud ach sonas ón lá seo ar aghaidh, Caedric." She would be the bigger person.
"A fhios acu agus mé iad a mhúineadh,"They know and I have taught them he murmured lightly in reply as he took up his pen again with a small glance up at her. "Is é an rud nach maith liom a thuilleadh go mbeadh cumhacht. Tá mé aon cúram nó gá chun a,"It is a good thing that I no longer have that power. I have no care or need for it He had a taste for it once but it had turned to ash once he had seen and realized what he had done. It was unpleasant and it burnt at his soul. Caedric turned back to his paperwork quietly as she began to leave, their business together seemed to have completed for now, probably forever.
"...Tú freisin, Bébhinn,"You too, Bebhinn he said softly and with sincerity.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:50 pm
Roots Grow Up
Youth Quest Part 9
Coailiann Becomes A Youth
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:51 pm
A Day Of Freedom
Youth Quest Part 10
The last day in Ireland, sight-seeing and reflection
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:52 pm
The Return
Youth Quest Part 11
Return to Gaia with new confidence
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