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"This isn't how it was supposed to be." She whispered, curling into him. "I'm not saying I needed you to take control, I know I can do that, but god damnit Dawson you can't even look me in the eye, you don't want this and I can't want it enough for both of us."

But now it was she who couldn't look him in the eye, because she knew she'd cry if she did and she was not going to add that layer of terrible to the night. "All I wanted was to make you feel good. Instead you look like you're about to take your SATs. You don't want this. You don't want me."

She'd never felt so ugly before. She finally started to wonder if maybe it really was just her, after all.

His words held half their normal power, comforting her only so far as to believe that she wasn't ugly, she was just.. not what he wanted.

She didn't know how that felt. She didn't know what it felt like to look at a human being and not find them attractive. Not see something that raw and potential.

His words only managed to soothe the superficial pain.

"I never said you weren't trying. I just think you're trying too hard and it's just not supposed to be that hard. I looked in your eyes every time I've ever kissed you, Dawson. Every time I ever tried to show you physically how I feel. I don't know why, but - "

She didn't know why. She thought that was okay, but maybe. Maybe it wasn't.

She let out a long, cleansing breath.

"When I kiss you, or touch you, are you thinking about something else?"

At first, she felt her heart sink when she heard Cami's name. She wondered if Cami wasn't the only person that passed through his mind. Deus and it's damn tiny world, keeping every ex right at the fore front of sight as they fought side by side. Was that it? Was Maebe just.. spoiled goods to him?

But then he continued, leaving the most important one for last, and her eyes widened in equal parts horror and understanding.

"Oh." She breathed out, her voice shaking. It wasn't any face on Deus doing this to him. It was someone much, much more important.

"Jesus, Dawson." Maebe whispered, wrapping her arms around his stomach in a hug. "I'm sorry. I didn't even think - I mean what with how I've never - I mean I don't know what it's like to care so much about parents, and - God, all this time I've been talking about it like it's nothing, God, God."

She laughed, and immediately regretted it, but she couldn't help herself. "I'm such a ******** self-centered idiot. It's never even really been about me, has it." She felt a little dirty, a little sick, and a little selfishly relieved.

"Okay, you. Listen up." She reached up to hold his head in her hands so that he looked at her. "Forget everything I ever said to you. Maybe sex is recreational for me, but that doesn't mean it has to be for you. That's dumb. We're being dumb. If you want to wait until you're married, there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to wait until you're in love with someone, you should. And I hereby promise you, I'm never going to try and make you think otherwise, ever again."

He'd respected her way of life for so long now. It was time she did a little respecting back.

Can't and won't were two very different words, but Maebe still felt a twinge of bitter nostalgia for her old self. She let go of his face, held him gently in her arms, and wrapped herself around him.

"You can't push love. It happens when it's ready, not when you are. Trust me, we don't ever get to choose who, or when, we love."

She wished that was the case, very, very much.

"Stop trying. Stop trying to be someone you're not. Supreme commands it."

"Shh, baby, you didn't make anything worse. If anything, you made it better. You told me the truth. You finally told me what's going on inside that head of yours, and the answer wasn't 'you're gross and I can't get it up with you.' Because I was really starting to worry for a second there."

She didn't care how wet his tears got her. She felt warm, and a little emotional herself. She wanted him to cry in her arms just as much as she wanted him to laugh, or love. She just wanted him.

"Don't be scared to tell me when somethings bothering you." She whispered gently. "I love it when you do."

His fault? The question popped up in her mind but she stopped herself before blurting it out thoughtlessly. It sounded like more of the blame game, but she couldn't assume.

"Would it be wrong of me to ask you what happened? I don't want to push you more but that sounded important."

She kissed the side of his head. "And for the record, you haven't ruined my life. You've saved it. You know that."

He told his story and she felt him opening up, blossoming with pain and exposure and hesitating on the most difficult parts. If Maebe had no experience with unnatural phenomenon, the story would have horrified her. It still broke her heart to hear it, though.

"You weren't you. That is not your fault. Don't you remember what me and Otto did to one another when that - whatever it was - took us over? I remember it. I remember how it felt. And he almost killed me - almost destroyed my face - then he almost blinded me. It wasn't him. Wasn't me. Wasn't you. We live in a much more ******** up world than everybody else. Because - and don't give me s**t for pulling out literally the one religious line I know - we're stronger, and God only gives us exactly as much as we can handle."

She made a face. Maebe did not do religion.