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Damn, I remember when I tried out for Galvan Nova. Turns out, I'm not as literate as was expected, though I don't have writer's block. Man I suck!

You do NOT suck. Just because you weren't quite at the level needed for galvan does NOT mean you suck. Galvan is not the end all and be all of roleplays. Trust me. (>_> that may be my NEXT roleplay, currently still in development) But just because you don't get into galvan, or aren't quite at the level you need to be, by no menas implies that you suck, it just means you need more experience and such.

"Oh it's quite alright Shin, there's plenty of soup to go around and then some."

Comma after oh. Comma after alright.

Shin had walked past him towards where Zack had set up what could be called camp, he would find there a few clay bowls sitting out next to the fire. Zack had with him four bowls as being claw they often shattered so it was wise to carry extras. Zack looked up a the girl, and her dark brown eyes met with his hazel. She introduced herself as Cree, a fairly uncommon name where Zack lived, and, like Shin, thanked him for the stew. Again Zack said it was no problem and led Cree over towards the campfire.

90% of this paragraph is grammatically unintelligible. Who's walking when where what? You'll have to give me a list in plain wordage of exactly what the action you're trying to convey is before I can any further with trying to help you convey it.

Once there, Zack fixed a bowl of stew for Cree and himself. Shin had already gotten himself a helping and wandered off towards the shadows.

'Wandering off towards the shadows' is way too vague for my liking--rather than being nice and mysterious, it sounds like you're just trying to get him out of the picture for awhile. Could you change it or add to it so that we have at least some idea of where he physically is compared to the other two? Examples: 'on the edge of the clearing' or 'a little ways inside the cave'.

'Such an odd little kid' Zack thought to himself when Cree suddenly asked what it was that had brought Zack to such a desolate place.

Comma after kid but before apostrophe. Smoothness-wise, I'd advise you to either change 'thought' to 'was thinking' or change 'when' to 'as'--the second's probably going to be better for this particular sentence. Cut out the 'it was' bit--it's unneccessary.

Why no dialogue? Cree doesn't get to have a voice? Checking out the roleplay itself, I think I can safely conclude that this was a 'catch-up' post and that's probably why its dialogue is out of whack... You probably should've picked a different post to be guinea-pigged, though; this one is strange for a roleplay but not really normal 'controlling all characters' prose either.

"Well, to be honest I was sent here by my master to collect different herbs for medicinal purposes. I am actually on my way back."

Wordy. Very wordy. He might just be a wordy person, but that doesn't come through in some of his later dialogue. 'To be honest' sounds weird given the situation; people do say that, but it doesn't sound especially natural in this piece of dialogue. 'I was sent here by my master to collect herbs for medicinal purposes' sounds very formal and, as stated, wordy, compared to something like, 'My master sent me off to gather some herbs for him.' 'I am' would probably be said 'I'm'.

Zack handed Cree a leather sack filled to the brim with different herbs and was startled when she was ably to identify most all of them and explain what they were used for.

She just out of the blue started pulling out plants and going "Oh, this is __. It's used for ___." with no preamble whatsoever? Weird. If it's not supposed to be weird, you need to make that sound more natural; if this were normal prose, I'd just tell you to just write the scene out. 'Filled to the brim is more associated with 'hard' containers--a sack would more likely be stuffed. Able, not ably--watch the typos...

Zack asked how she had such an extensive knowledge when she revealed to him that she was a healer. Zack had only been sent to collect the plants and had had no real knowledge of what most of them did. They talked on for a bit longer when Cree confessed that she and Shin had to be going. Zack pulled out a stick from the fire and handed it to Cree.

This section again suffers from skimming over what would be more enaging when written out. I would say "He asked... and she revealed', rather than when. I would cut out the 'to him' after revealed--we can assume that well enough.

I would think that he would learn how to identify the plants along with what they did. Drop the 'on' after talked. Your use of the word 'when' sounds odd to my ears again here; I would probably state that third line something like 'They had been talking for awhile when Cree confessed...' or 'They talked for a bit longer, but Cree soon confessed...'

It's also unlikely that that branch would be very good light for very long; some woods might stay in flames for a bit longer than others, but since it's not an actual torch it probably would die down to an ember relatively quickly.

"Here, it gets darker up ahead, you might need this for a little while. Until we meet again."

Comma after ahead needs to be a semi-colon. Why would they only need it for a little while? Are they travelling just a very short distance or something?

Zack waved as the two travelers departed. The younger one, Shin, bowed when he left, sending a slight twing through Zack's spine.

These actions feel out of order. Shin would bow just before the two travelers left, not the other way around. I personally avoid those ", ___ing..." phrases at the ends of sentences; I think this one's grammatically okay....

When they were well out of sight Zack began to clean up his camp, packing up his things and attaching them to the saddle on his horse, a brown and white Mustang named Ash. The entire process took him all of ten minutes but when he was done Zack decided to catch a little bit more sleep before he headed home. Laying down against a wall in the cave Zack closed his eyes.

Comma after sight. I would probably consolidate the end of that first sentence to 'them to the saddle on Ash, his brown and white Mustang.' 'The entire process took him all of ten minutes' sounds like you're pushing how skilled the guy is to pack that fast (which I would discourage) thanks to those 'entire' and 'all of' phrases. If it's supposed to just be showing us that he doesn't have much stuff to clean up in the first place, you need to state it a different way.

I kinda find it odd that he would just up and decide to take a quick nap out of nowhere--I mean, first he's packing up (even saddling/loading up the horse--it's not good to leave a horse saddled longer than necessary, especially if this happens to be summertime) like he's going to go, but then he turns around and decides to sleep instead.

"No please! You can't do this!"

It was the sound of a woman's voice screaming accompanied by many others. Zack had had this dream, or rather nightmare, many times before. And each time it was the same; the town Zack was in was ablaze, people screaming everywhere he turned, human and cursed alike, when all of a sudden there was a bright flash of light. However, what came after this Zack did not know as he always woke up once the light flashed.

Comma after no. It was = weak--depending on how you wanted to rewrite, you could maybe say 'The woman continued to scream, accompanied by many others.' (Either way, you need that comma before accompanied.

We then have a style problem. This is italicized like it's all in the dream, but from 'Zack had had' you're actually talking about the dream from outside it instead of drawing us through the images of those people screaming and such that Sack would actually be seeing. To fix what's there: "...was ablaze and people were screaming everywhere...". Use more active language than 'there was' in the last part of that. "What came after this Zack did not know" sounds more convoluted than necessary.

Zack's eyes shot open and he found himself covered in a cold sweat. Panicking for a moment he was able to collect himself and get his bearings. Still in the cave, but how long had he slept Zack was unsure of.

'He found himself' could be replaced by a more active verb (especially since we want a sense of suddenness here). Comma after moment. 'He collected himself' would be better than 'he was able'; once again, it's more direct/active. 'Still in the cave' is not a sentence--try adding a 'he was' to the beginning. 'How long had he slept Zack was unsure of' is another convoluted phrase--why not just 'he was unsure how long he had slept'?

He walked over to his sleeping horse and scratched it on it's neck a little so it would wake up.

Ash doesn't get to be a he or a she? Its, not it's--it's means it is, while its is a possesive. 'Scratched its neck' would be more concise than 'scratched it on its neck'. I would personally say 'so that it'd...', but that's style choice.

Zack slid a bowl of soup towards Ash's mouth and it ate it happily.

This sentence is telling me that Ash's mouth ate happily. How about 'the horse' in place of the first it? Also, I damn hope that that's not all Zack feeds his horse; though the animal might eat the soup because it tastes good, s/he's gonna need a lot more than that to fill up his/her stomach and stay healthy. Hopefully Zack lets his horse graze in other parts of the roleplay...

Once finished Zack grabbed the bowl and threw it at the wall, shattering it. Some researcher's would come along and think it to be some kind of ancient pottery was the thought that ran through Zack's head whenever he avoided cleaning dishes like that.

First off, only a complete and utter idiot of a researcher would ever confuse a broken bowl like that with anything ancient. Second off, he's being wasteful and rather idiotic to break a bowl rather than clean it; doesn't he realize that he's just going to have to buy another one? Perhaps he has money to spare and then some, but I wasn't getting that impression earlier. Ignoring the content problem, grammar-wise you need a comma after finished and get rid of the apostrophe in researchers. I would prefer to flip your sentence around like this: Whenever he avoided cleaning dishes like that, Zack imagined that some researchers would come along and think [the clay shards] were some kind of ancient pottery.

"We should probably get going. We've got a long way to go to get back to Tinroshi."

Zack had always felt comfortable around animals and often found himself talking to them.

I would add 'he said to the horse' to the first sentence and delete the second because it just repeats what that sentence has already shown.

He mounted Ash and began to ride towards the end of the cavern. Once outside Zack stopped Ash and looked up at the sky to get a feeling for how long he had been asleep, it appeared to be around noon so Zack figured he would still have plenty of time to cover a lot ground before having to stop again.

Ahh. So he was so far back in the cave that no significant amount light from outside was there to give him the time of day earlier? That's possible, but any place that far back in the cave would be extremely dark--seems odd to me, I suppose it's okay. The comma after asleep needs to be a semicolon. I would place 'having to stop again' with something a notch more concrete like 'before it got dark again'.

Just about to start again Zack's eye's widened as a very peculiar smell hit his nose.

When you make words plural, you add an s. Not an apostrophe s. Aka, eyes instead of eye's. The way this sentence is written, it's Zack's eyes rather than Zack himself that was just about to start again. 'Just as Zack was about to start again, his eyes...' would fix that grammar issue.

"Woah, you smell that boy, that's the blood of a Buko-beast, fully grown, buck. I don't want to run into whatever it was that took that beast down, lets take a little detour. Hyah!"

To shorten the time it takes me to type this, this is a fixed version: "Woah, you smell that boy? That's the blood of a fully grown Buko-beast, buck. I don't want to run into whatever it was that took that beast down, so let's take a little detour. Hyah!"

Zack figured that he should stay close to the outer edge of the forest as he continued on. He could easily avoid confrontation with any of the forests creatures, ash was an incredibly fast horse and with Zack acute senses, he would know where any of the forests more deadly creatures were; hopefully before they found him.

Forest's, Ash, Zack's, forest's. The first half of that second sentence runs on a bit and the second half isn't a full sentence at all--here's one possible cleaned up version: He could easily avoid confrontation with any of the forest's creatures; Ash was an incredibly fast horse, and, with Zack's acute senses, he would know where [Or: be able to sense where] the forest's more deadly creatures [were] (hopefully before they found him).


Aie yie yie. That took me forever and a half, and I haven't even proofread it 'cause I just ran out of energy... We'll see if biblis's goes any faster; perhaps if I stick to very general suggestions...

*Makes plan* I think I'm going to get a list of general points/crits for biblis together first and then give A Someone's profile some feedback, both hopefully sometime this weekend.

Then biblis can either give me to go ahead to start going more thoroughly through what's posted now or edit that version for whatever I'll have said in the first round. (And thanks muchly for reformatting all of that.)

Edit: You know, I hadn't been factoring in the term paper stuff due this Monday. Well, we'll see how it goes.

The overview of my honest feedback for biblis:

(Note that the below is meant to be straightforward, not demeaning/mean/whatnot.)

You need to spend less time telling us about your world's history and more time involving us directly in your world. The history can/should be pared down, spread out, and related to us through the story rather than through a weird narrator person.

Zasz, Telal, and whoever else is in your story all need to feel like real people. Right now they're pretty far from that. Their dialogue needs to feel more natural/real too.

You have a few issues with things just plain not making sense. Sometimes it's just the way you say it, while sometimes it's what's actually going on.

You need to purge yourself of that inner attachment to things like 'deep jade' and 'pure white' and oh-so-awesome fighting moves that are supposed to be ultra cool but come off as just contrived.

You need to discover what apostrophes and question marks are, among numerous other grammar infractions. You need to learn how to say the same thing more clearly/directly in fewer words. Present tense is technically okay, but I'd recommend past tense by far; it's used much more often, so it'll sound more natural to most people reading your story.


Every story has potential, but this one is going to need some work. I think in this case it'd be best to start with the characters themselves--at this point, I know what they are but not who they are. If we work on developing them into real people first, it'll be easier to then construct an interesting/real story around them. I haven't yet made up my mind on the best way to go about leading you through that... Any ideas/feedback?

Thank you, Merlinic-sama. I hope it wasnt too much of a bother to correct.