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 Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:29 pm
Allen stumbled next to Lavi and knelt by Rynl's side. He seemed peaceful, almost as if he was only sleeping. Reaching a hand out he touched Rynl's gently, not knowing what he wished to achieve by doing that. He felt a sting of pain as if he was just electrified by static. The pain spread out from his fingertips, up his arm then desolved as if something drained it all away. He heaved a soft sigh and looked with worry up at Lavi. "Is he going to wake up?" he asked. He was more worried for Lavi than he was for Rynl however... it somehow felt odd to worry like that, however it was just that the red-head seemed so sad and worried himself that Allen couldn't help but feel both sympathy as well as a small sting of jealousy at that.
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Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 7:13 pm
Lavi turned, leaving the room. He couldn't be there anymore, not with his sudent this way, looking like he actually had a heart. "I'll...i'll be in the study." He told them, gliding off to find a secluded part of the room.
Dino watched Lavi leave, brow furrowed, he had hoped Lavi wouldn't do that again, but it was his escape and he had the right. The blond rabbit spirit turned to Allen. "Can you go check on him? I'll keep an eye on Rynl." He reassured the white haired ghost with a smile.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 1:52 pm
Allen wanted to disagree with Dino, tell him that he always made Lavi to feel worse rather than best... but he couldn't let Lavi go on his own, not in that state, it didn't feel right. Rynl didn't feel right either. Allen didn't know what to do. Somewhere deep inside he just wanted everyone around him happy and didn't really care about his own self. He didn't mind. He didn't want to mind... Turning around to run after Lavi he flapped his wings a little to push himself forward faster as he ran, his feet tapping the floor lightly. He didn't pay much mind to the fact they seemed to weigh just a little more on his shoulders since that was only a slight change...
Entering the study, Allen closed the door after him. Looking around for Lavi he sighed. Instead of chasing the red-headed ghost down he merely sat down, his back against the hard redwood of the door. He thought he might as well wait there, he wasn't sure if Lavi would like it if he just looked around for him -maybe he would think he was imposing-.
"Lavi..." he called out softly. "If you want to speak... say anything at all..." he never completed his thought as his eyes landed on the mirror directly against him. The wall behind him was barren, another mirror? He never recalled any mirrors in the study... a terrible pain shot down his back as if someone just tore his newfound wings right off his shoulders. A head-splitting sting of pain struck him making him bring both arms up to grasp at the side of his face. Warm liquid was gushing out of his left eye and he was only desperately trying to hold it back. He wanted to shut his eyes tight just to stop seeing... but the shadow behind him was only too large, suffocating... and he could only stare, suffocating, his breath forced out of his lungs. No escape. He knew what this thing was. What he couldn't know was... what it was doing in the study... if that was the study anyway...
He blinked, his heartbeat racing, what was that thing he saw. Was it even true? Could it be a vision? Or was he losing his mind? No. He couldn't. Not now. There were people that needed him there. Lavi... Lavi needed him there...
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 5:15 pm
"No Allen I don't want to talk." Lavi had heard the question, and replied with a rather childish remark, that he regretted a second later. He sighed, emerging from his hiding place. "I'm sorry about that Allen, i'll ta---Allen!?"Lavi cried in surprise, running over to the fallen ghost. How...how was he bleeding!? This wasn't possible! Shouldn't have been....
At the same time, a little girl laughs from her spot in a tree as she watches the unconscious man and the rabbit. She would act, soon, her brother was there after all.
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Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:44 pm
Allen looked up at Lavi, he made an attempt to smile to reassure the other it was going to be okay. He didn't feel any pain... he was only bleeding... just that. "It's okay." Allen mumbled, not a single trace of his previous hallucination -yes, he would call it hallucination for now- remaining in sight. As long as that was going to be like that he was safe. "It doesn't hurt..." he finished trying to wipe the blood off with his sleeve, to make sure Lavi wouldn't be worried for nothing. He smiled thinly and sighed.
"Please... you wanted to say something..." he went on. "So... talk to me..." he knew Lavi needed that, but it would be better for himself as well, he believed that.
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:57 am
But Allen was lying,Lavi was pretty sure that hurt. He let it go for the time being though,choosing to listen to Allens request, he felt guilty since he had made Allen admit to some of his problems not even an hour ago. "He....I found him, all alone in an alley, and tried to help him recover, and then I took him on as my apprentice, because I liked him, saw he had potential, is this the price I'm paying for that? Should I have left him alone there, to die? I think about that alot, I hate that i've considered it sometimes, like now." He wanted to cry, so badly but he couldn't, Allen didn't need to see that, noone needed to. "I want to help him though, I want him to have a heart, understand it, unlike me, who still doesn't grasp the true nature of a heart." He paused, drawing a shaky breath. "W-what do i do?"
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:42 am
Allen sighed. No thing he could say would take that pain away from Lavi's heart. No thing he could do could make that guilt go away. However, he thought to himself, he would have done the same thing. Smilling softly he curled his arms around Lavi's neck, coming closer as if he wanted to comfort him like a mother would do to her children.
"You couldn't leave Rynl to die and now you can't get over the fact of causing him pain by allowing him to live." his voice was oddly calm, like it was another person talking and not he, himself. "Humans are weak creatures. They can be killed by natural phenomena, by weapons or merely by feelings. The heart is a strong enemy, undefeatable enemy. No matter how far one strays from their heart or how detached they may appear, they keep sharing that heart during every day, a disdainful comment about the weather, a word of support to a friend, those are all small fragments of one's heart given without asking for anything in return." he paused for a moment, drawing a breath. "Heart is what makes humans be what they are. Without a heart a human is bound to rot away in time and die as something entirelly inhuman, stayed from the path of humanity forever. That path is not nonachievable however it can only cause pain, as it means overthrowing one's identity and sharing no fragments of one's true self but lies. This can cause such pain that it will sometimes force the heart to flee its owner to save itself. In other words..." Allen felt dizzy he didn't even understand a word from what he was saying, he wondered why he was saying all of that, in fact it felt like those were words 'planted' in him in order to be said, it certaintly didn't feel like him however. At that realization he managed to snap out of it.
It felt almost as if he was hypnotized.
"I don't know what you can do about it Lavi..." he said in a soft voice to reply to his last comment, and this time it was noone else's words but his own. "But if you feel like you want to cry then cry." he whispered his fingers grasping gently yet firmly at the fabric of Lavi's clothes. "I don't mind if you want to cry..." but suddently he found that he was crying, himself, without really knowing why... he wondered if it was Lavi's tears that he cried, crying them because the other couldn't. Come to think of it he always cried around Lavi. Could there be such sorrow and grief rooted deep inside Lavi that he subconsciously channeled it out this way and combined with his own feelings overflowed like this?
"I won't tell anyone if you cry. Just let it..." he went on, tensing up at those words, as if he felt like what he was going to say could change a lot of things. "Let it go..."
Those words... they were said in an almost pleading manner, yet it sounded like mourning, an elegy. And through those tears Allen came to the realization that somewhere deep inside there was this part of him that he wished for Lavi to be okay. It wished for it so bad that if it meant that dying would be of any help he would throw his life away just for that. -But wasn't it always like this?
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 10:53 am
Lavi was too stunned to move at first. Who was that? that couldn't have been the moyashi of all people, but then, it sounded like him. Lavi shook his head, clearing the thoughts away as he pulled Allen into a tight embrace. "Please Moyashi, don't cry for me." He tried to smile, but it faltered, turning into a crooked grin. "I can't cry, for myself or anyone else, I can keep going though, and be strong for them." Like how he was when he watched his living friends age and die, how he watched Krory age much faster than everyone else. Yes, those were the times he stood strong, while others weeped or simply looked confused, and brush it off while they comforted him. "Like Rynl." Despite his words, it was this revelation that made Lavi cry into Allens shoulder.
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:37 pm
Allen wanted to flee. Deep inside him he felt as if a defence mechanism triggered itself again. He was too close, a bit too close. Held tight as he was he shut his eyes tight trying to calm himself down. Like before he knew, hoped it was nothing but an illussion. And he didn;t want to break away, a part of him wanted to be there, he could now listen to it, loud and clear, clear and loud.
Lavi's tears felt warm on his shoulder, Allen noticed. Lavi always felt warm as if the soul encased in his body was ablaze. It was comforting, in a sense and Allen could think beyond that, he hoped that Lavi would be like a phoenix and getting rid of the past -the same past Allen did so vaguely only remember- would be reborn.
Little did he know that on that same moment he should be wishing the same thing for himself. But no, Allen was never as selfish to wish for his own salvation over others'.
"Idiot." the whispered word in the darkness came from far, far away, from a place that was of no connection to that home. And of course Allen would never get to hear it. He had thought Lavi was smarter than that. That he would push Allen away. One can never make two.
He had thought that he would know. Doing so he never noticed the burning eyes set on his back, never noticed the other person before he felt like dying.
"Where you not taught to leave other people's business to themselves~?" a gentle voice purred at his ears while he fell. "The Child's heart can only be mine. Only mine." the voice laughed hysterically. Because once dead that heart would grant it everything it had ever desired. What everyone ever desired. It was but a legend... but what coule everyone do but hope?
Allen bit his lower lip. He wanted to hit Lavi again. Tell him that of course he could cry, that he was crying. But he didn't. He merely held onto the other, held on tight as if he wanted to melt into him and become one. And as in a dream, lost somewhere between reality and illusion he whispered a couple of words that got lost somewhere in the back of his mind.
"I cried..." he mumbled, looking away. "I cried for you." he couldn't explain those words, even though they obviously reffered to the past. But his memory was clouded and he couldn't recall it in its full extent, but no matter that, his words were already spoken and he held even more of them, waiting to be spoken. -After all Dino had said it back then, he had to say it... had to... once he remembered...
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 6:06 pm
I know, and you don't anymore, okay?" This was said a bit later, after Lavi had composed himself enough. He looked at Allen, a bit nervous, mainly because of his question. "Do you want....want to go back with me? To check on Rynl?"
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Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:22 pm
Allen looked up at Lavi, his eyes trying to focus on Lavi's single emerald-green one. He didn't want to go back. There were a lot things that Dino told him that made him concider some things differently. And then there was this part of him that was scared. He feared that Rynl was worse than he thought. He feared the impact that would have on Lavi. He feared that if pushed over that thin invisible line that might hapen again. Recalling his experiense of a few days ago he found it to be almost terrifying. He didn't want for Lavi to... no... not again...
"Do you think he is going to be alright?" he asked the same question he had stated before without receiving an answer. He knew that Lavi knew more than he did, he also knew that Lavi wouldn't tell him why Rynl had changed so much ever since that day, but he hoped that at least he would spare him an answer such as that. He wasn't asking for facts, just Lavi's opinnion there. Of course a good guess there was that Lavi wouldn't tell him nothing but 'scientific' information on the matter. Allen was used to that already, it still hurt a bit though, knowing why that was so. Knowing that Lavi would never be allowed to... He found it to be unfair. Yes, he could admit as much...
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Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 10:43 pm
Looking at Rynl, Lavi couldn't sure. Sure he'd be fine physically, but they all knew he'd be a shell of a man. "No Allen, he won't." Lavi looked away, ignoring the look Dino shot him. the emotion of pity, Lavi hated it. He looked back, hoping against all odds that he was wrong.
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Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:26 pm
Allen lowered his eyes. He just couldn't understand some things and looking back, to what he remembered.. he never could. Ignoring the fact Dino was there too he lifted his head to be able to look at Lavi better, even though it was only the back of the other's head he could see.
"Lavi..." he spoke, his voice decisive for the first time he spoke to the red-head after he was 'reborn' as he was today. "Why?" he asked. "Why must Rynl suffer? Why must you?" he didn't care anymore. It was just a little bit too frustrating... "Why can't bookmen have feelings? Why must they discard their hearts?" he was asking, asking about it, the thing the 'other Lavi' had stated the day of the incident. He wanted, needed to know.
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Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:10 am
How could he say it without hurting the other? The one who only the Lavi of this time. He would have to it seemed. "Because Allen, that gives us a side to be on, we are no longer the observers." And they are no longer bookmen, and though Lavi was dead, he had the feeling he was still bound to this. "Bookmen, can't have a side you see, we're....an audience, watching a play that's as long as mans existence." He decided to add that in, hoping it would help. "Sometimes, we'll join, but we never do for long." Like when the Bookman (his teacher) had spoke of them leaving once they were out of the arc. That plan worked well, if memory served. 'I died and the panda moved on.' He held Allen just a bit closer.
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Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:21 pm
"Why don't you stop? Just stop..." he knew he was being selfish, he hated this. He hated this the most. He didn't want to force Lavi to tell him something he didn't want to speak of. "Why do Bookmen do this anyway? Why... why do you have to be a Bookman? Why?" and there he was again, he and the question why, wounding him, hurting, burrying deep inside of him.
"We don't have all day, do we?"
"I... I will."
"Nothing makes any sense anymore, forgive me."
Painful blows took him appart with each question when it should have been Lavi that he hit with them, it was the guilt for asking that was killing him. It made him ache deep inside.
"Life is no play." he broke himself appart from Lavi by pulling away a little more suddently than what he wanted as his instictual need to run settled in again. "How can you say that...?" it was him that was losing his mind, becoming cold and unapproachable again, structuring his walls of ice high and low, distancing himself, locking back in his fortress of fear and nonexistance. "Have you never wished... wished for something so hard that you would kill for it? Have you never cried tears that were true?" and he kept on it, kept asking. "Have you never thought that you would have no reason to live if those people close to you died?" he didn't know if he wanted to know the answer. He didn't care right now. His words where only the blades he defended himself with. He had nothing else.
His soul stripped naked in front of the mirrors. And there were many mirrors laughing at him. He was shackled and held down and only wished to be no more so he wouldn't have to hurt anymore. His heart was in pain, throbbing painfully with each breath he'd take... and it hurt so much more than his wounds and the roughness of the shackles.
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