Welcome to Gaia! ::

Okay *cracks knuckles* here comes Theri.

I like Chapter 1 (read the rewrite one). You got my attention fairly quickly. You jumped pretty much right into the action. I'm not sure I'm crazy about some of the dialogue between Fen and Sarri. I' not even sure why, it just doesn't seem I don't know, natural enough.

Chapter 2: This chapter kinda slipped into the reason that I'm kinda wary of high-medievaesque fantasy. Info dump time! I know you're super excited about the world you made and that's awesome. But it's a lot or a reader to take in one sitting. Honestly, I'd start skimming and was like, "Who...what?" Expose these story elements through the stor as much as you can.

Chapter 3: Holy Time Skip Batman. Now I know what Reed was talking about. I don't think anyone's a big fan of my suggestion, but Imma gonna say chop down Chapter 2 and combine it with Chapter 1 to make a prologue or work the back story into the main story line. Otherwise, action is pretty fine.

Overall, there's some moments, especially in Chapter 2, you have your moments of telliness. However, you do action rather well. I really liked Chapter 1 and would like to see that sr of style throughout.

OKAY SLENDER REED.

@Theri: I'm working on the issues, promise! I'm not keen on a prologue - it seems like there'd be too much to fit in, and all the info has to get in there somehow. My plan is to do as Ser suggested an add in a chapter (or maybe even two, depending on which possible plot continuation I go with) at Relan's house mansion, switch some of the info dump into there so that it's not quite so overwhelming, and get things to link into the current chapter three (which will definitely be improved upon) much more smoothly.
Part of the trouble is that Sarri wants to know all this stuff; cliche though it is, all hell broke loose in chapter one, so she's bound to want to know what's going on.
Incidentally, which bits of dialogue in chapter one didn't you like? They were supposed to sound a bit awkward and occasionally stilted around each other (it's not the most relaxing 'get to know you' setting), but maybe I pushed it a bit too far.
I think my telliness is actually getting worse since I've been reading all the classics - wonderful though the likes of George Elliot are, they may as well scream TELL TELL TELL in your direction.

Oh, on the 'Sarri as a black character' question - Tiras, which is where most of the action takes place, is about 65% black, and much of the rest is about Fen's colouring. Mini fictional history lesson: probably five centuries ago Tiras expanded an empire North, a little South, and East, and it's current territories are what's left of the original land, plus half of the northern and southern expansions, which is how it ended up with a pretty wide mixture of (equivalent) Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, and (majority) black peoples. The latter rulers of said Empire also encouraged policies of inclusion and tolerance over the newer lands, which continued over the centuries, and is why Tiras has a pretty low degree of racial tensions. Mages also have something close to an international community, and Paco Magi in particular has greater things to worry about (i.e. it shouldn't exist) than what colour your skin is. Sarri's a bit bewildered by this - something I want to bring out more, because northern countries like Hyn tend to be a lot less tolerant, because Tiras is seen as the nasty country that tried to invade them all centuries before. (That it backed off and became a mostly trading nation after the Empire collapsed isn't the point, we like to hold onto our ancient grudges, damn it!)
/essay.
You're very right - I get far to excited over my fictional world.

@Ser: Chapter 5? My chapter 5? I posted that far!?

*edit*
Oh, right, I did! Hang on, so now you've read chapter four? *mind blown*
I love gaia censorship, by the way. I've just noticed that it doesn't censor 'bloody', as in 'bloody hell', which was meant as a swear word, but it censors 'p***y', which was meant in the context of 'p***y cat'.
Censors don't know my my English cussing.

I was ill and out of school fairly constantly between the ages of 11 and 17, I had far too much time to just imagine stuff - which I've been refining a lot more in recent years. I'm trying to be good with the information overload though; it's more the kind of thing that I know for when it's needed for reference, rather than stuff that will all definitely be going into the book.
I've probably rewritten chapter five again since that old version was posted, and will be doing so again when I finally get properly working on Earthfire, so hopefully I'll be able to pull that stuff out.

Sneaky British words are sneaky.
Seriously, you don't have 'bloody hell!' as a profanity? But it's so explosive and...suitably sweary.

Isn't bloody basically the equivelant of the f word? I heard somewhere it was.

Well, it wasn't so much one point in dialogue as in the general feel. I don't know, sometimes it just didn't seem natural. Sorry, I'm like really picky about dialogue so it's probably just me. Of course, considering the setting this dialogue could be fine. I don't know, why do you think I write modern/future fantasy I don't have to worry about proper ye-olde dialogue XP.

English IS more formal. That's why I tend to like English novels. =3

YOU ILLEGITIMATE CHILD! D8

If you had a trope, it would be Ill Girl? 8U

Maybe bloody is in the same boat as 'dork'? Isn't dork an insult?

Jeez Char, so vulgar...