Welcome to Gaia! ::

Since My PC Crash sending the RPG to the Crap.

I'll start again the RPG, but with the actual data of the Island, this mean that we have two slot more for Hero character, Since Aislinn and Osbourne are Official islander Now.

If you want to be a Character Hero, post here or Send me a PM, Remember: You need to have a Quester thread here.

Thankies!

Thanks niko for the Art! look very well whee heart

Well, since I say in the main thread I'll revamp Jonathan. Check gramma, check personality and history.

And maybe have more activity with him, whee

Update:

First!
1.- Thanks to Duke for his comment
2.- Thanks to Nik for his drawn.
3.- Thanks to sheacka for his bump!

What the Update bring:
1.- Jonathan Mother is now Chilean, That mean that jonathan now Speak the Basic English that he learn in the School.
2.- Since the Section of his personality add a lot of info about his History, now this section is called. "personality and history"
3.- The history Section doesn't dissapear, and now just add extra info that doesn't appear in the "personality and history part".
4.- "New" History, that turn Jonathan in a more real Character. I guess.
5.- I told you that i'll try to learn more gramma, this time I put all my effort and try to check all the data and correct gramma. I do this version with my actual gramma knowledge, so if you see a error please report to me that could be a lot of help...

Well, that is all Thanks!

Critiques—Remember, this is just to help you. I think you’re very sweet and want to do my best help you get on the island. …so please take this all in that context.

Question—is there a reason his whole family has mile-long names? Is it a Chilean tradition of some sort? If so, you might want to mention that. Otherwise it just looks silly, and you’ll want to cut it down.

Physical description is very vague. Just a bit more detail will help whomever has to draw him, as well as those of us who are attempting to create an image of him in our minds.

What texture is his hair? Thick, thin? Is it very very curly like an Italian’s or an African’s, or is it straight as a stick like an Asian’s? And Military style’s not 100% either. Some military people cut it shorter (IE: Nearly bald, or very close to nearly bald) and some keep it a bit longer. Some only shave it completely in certain areas (most commonly the lower areas).

And his eyes. What do they look like, other than brown? Are they round or almond shaped? Are they big or small? Does he have thick eyelashes? Thin ones? Does he have bushy eyebrows or what?

His build confuses me. What is this “normal complex”? Be a little more detailed. He’s not muscular, but does he have any muscle? Adding a translation for those of us who don’t use the metric system as far as his height/weight would be awesome too. There are lots of websites that do it for you, so you don’t have to worry about the math. Anyhow, just remember that guys who are “skinny, but not stick thin and not muscular” are pretty common on the island already. You’ll want to make him interesting somehow.

I’d like to know what makes him unique. What does his face look like? Is it round or angular or pointy? Does he have sharp lines or soft curves? Does he have a long, slim Indian-esque nose, or a tiny button one? Is it wide and flat like an African’s? I’m not sure if Chileans have specific ethnic appearances. Does he have scars of any sort? Birthmarks? Tattoos? Does he wear make…oh, right, -he- probably doesn’t. xD

if he want to sound kindly – if he wants to sound kind. Or wants to make his voice sound kindly. Kindly is an adverb, which infers an action of some sort. The second sentence is more commonly accepted than “if he want to sound kindly” but it’s still not technically correct, so I’d go with the first.

I’m not sure I understand your ‘normal appearance’ section vs your ‘appearance’ section. I’m sure these are things to come, but I don’t know what the difference between the two would be. Do you mean “First Day of Island outfit” vs “Typical preferred clothing”?

“Mental Behaviour” also confuses me. It leads me to think you’re talking about his personality…and then you go on to discuss body language and some very basic personality traits. …but you put later that you’re going to talk about personality afterwards. You also have verb tense issues and there’s some confusion in your phrasing.

Here’s what those passages would look like with correct, present tense usage of the verbs:

Jonathan has a calmed expression and usually doesn't show interest, unless he has something in game (this confuses me. Has something in game? Unless he is playing a game? ) . He will show friendly and happy (show happy and friendly what? You mean, -look- friendly and happy?) , trying to win your confidence, especially if he can win something in exchange.

Jonathan has a serious expression, sometimes a vicious spark appears in his eyes, showing that he is thinking in (of?) a Machiavellian revenge.

Both of these sections could easily be summed up in two sentences—he is disinterested unless involved in competition. He gets incredibly competitive, and is known to take vengeance against those who wrong him.

These are both incredibly vague and common personality traits. They’re a good jumping board, though, as both traits have severe drawbacks. You’ll want to note what sort of competitions he likes and which ones he gets really into. Is he a sore loser (the way you describe him, it sounds likely), in that he doesn’t take losing well? Is he a sore winner, along those same lines? Does he like to rub his winning in the face of those he wins against? As far as vengeance—does he hold grudges, then? What gets him angry enough to declare revenge? Does it take a severe mocking of his honour in some fashion, or will any little thing set him off?

What are his positive personality traits? They can’t all be negative, or he wouldn’t be a real person. I’ve found an easy way to balance a character is to write down, on a piece of paper, two columns. In one column you write positive traits and in the other you write negative. If either has more than one or two over the other, you will want to add to the one that’s lacking.

The way you have this next section set up is very very confusing. Mixing personality and history into one section isn’t usually a good idea. You can use history to explain his personality, where certain traits developed and why—which is a very very very good thing—but, you’ll want to have a separate section that explains what his personality traits are and expands upon them as I’ve asked you to do with his competitive spirit and need for vengeance.

It seems that mostly you just have history here, however. And then again later on. It’s a good idea to keep all your history and all your personality together. From what I’ve seen, you have them spread out all over the place.

I like the way you have your history set up, though. Going from age-block to age-block is interesting, though it does make the history flow less, but flow is less important than content in this sort of writing.
What does ‘born in a golden cradle’ mean? It sounds like a cultural expression such as “born with a silver spoon in his mouth’ or however that goes, and just means he was born lucky or proficient in something.

Here’s a rewrite of these paragraphs, with a few comments, as that’s the best way I can think of to help you here. I’ll note where I’ve changed things so that you know what went wrong, though.

Section one

Jonathan was born in a Golden Cradle (explain what this means), he (was raised. Rised is not actually a word in common usage, but even if it was, it’s a physical thing. Bread rises, (and the past tense of that would be that the bread rose) people are raised.) in a family full of comfort that other families (couldn’t have had) (. Starting a new sentence here is a good idea, otherwise it becomes a run-on and very wordy.) The high status that his father had in the military government put Jonathan over other kids (this doesn’t quite make sense. How is he ‘over’ other kids? It gave him an advantage, perhaps?). And Since Jonathan (was) born in the middle of the military government (how can on be born in the middle of the government? I’m not sure what you’re getting at here. Was he born in the middle of a governmental change, such as a coup, or are you referring to the middle of his father’s military career, or to the physical middle of the military base, or what?) (the is unnecessary) life with his father was limited to weekends. In those weekends his father tried to give everything that could (to) compensate his week's lack. For Jonathan this was only a game and (he saw his father as) a puppet (to) get nice things.

Section two

The end of the Military government appeared (what? I’m confused here again. You mean, there was a military government instated, and it ended?), taking to the abyss everyone who (took. You want past tense here since you’re referring to something that happened in the past) part in it, Jonathan(’s) father was arrested and (sent. Again, past tense) to jail. Without his father, Jonathan started to miss (out. He did )not have the (latest) toy of the market, the (latest) clothes, everything. But this (didn’t—don’t is plural past of “do”) stop him, he (had, you can’t win determination) determination if he want(ed) something he(‘d) fight for (it) and never stop unless he could get what he want(ed) (. Waaaay long sentence, needs to stop here) He started to use different forms (to) get things, and his favorite one was the tantrum(. Another good place to stop a sentence before it gets too long) If he just want(ed) something he shout(ed), cr(ied) and f(ought) (. Good place to end the sentence) (At) a more advanced age he just br(oke) thin(g)s, cause(d) chaos, (did) anything (to) take somebody(‘s) attention and he g(o)t it, He turn(ed) in(to) (this way it means “became” ) the leader of the "Shiya bois" A group of youngs boys who like(d) to cause problems. In other word a group of adaptless (this is not the word you want, and I don’t know what the word you want is.) who only want(ed) attention.




This is all I can do for now. I'll come back and do more later. XD

To People around:

For now I'll quit with my Questing to the Island, Sorry to everyone who like my character (I know that they are a few ones who talk about it.).

I really have Personal issues for quit.

But I don't will quit forever, I'll be in a big Hiatus. Waiting for the Second Island.

I know, I know... The Second Island will appear in a Year or Two. I don't Care How much I'll need to wait...

Also I know that I Speak about a RPG, Sorry but thanks to my Studies that game could't see the light. I could't create an IoDM Game, Even if I do it between my free times the game will appear in years.

Instead of a full RPG, I'll create Free some Introduction to character Using Maker, It could't be a great things but will be Something.

Sorry to everyone.

P.D: If you want to talk with me, My AIM and MSN are in my profile (look up) feel free to add me.

Thanks!