Welcome to Gaia! ::

*comfort huggles*
I understand where you're coming from...
my b/f does that to me too... and I get jealous everytime.
I feel like an a** because I know I should let him go have his own life (not that he let's me have mine stare )...
but it still gets to me that'll he'll cancel plans with me at the last minute to go have fun without me sad
it's even worse when I'm completely free and I've been looking forward to seeing him all day, and I wouldn't mind going with him since I have nothing else to do, but I never get invited.
So don't worry, you're not wrong to feel that way.

Love you too Impeh!! Soooo much! heart

Well, we kissed and made up. I felt like crap for how I acted and bought her roses and all is good. <3

I'm bitching on behalf of I_PK_U, who I met while playing Conquer. Hang on, I can copy and paste why. (Yay!)

The Desert City is smaller than the Twin City, but to I_PK_U, this place looks cool. Our hero thought to himself, "Maybe ppl here are nicer. I guess I can find someone who can plvl meh." So he went around, spamming the talk channel with "plvl me plssssss", and bugging each and every high lvl asking them "plvl me plssss master!!!!!":

"TinCanWarr speaks to All: hey pk, i’ll plvl u to lvl 40 if u give me a met"

I_PK_U agreed, but he said, "I’ll give u the met after i reach lvl 40... i’ll carry it first." --- which TinCanWArr had no problems with. So when they ventured outside to sand monsters, TinCanWarr was killing one monster after another. Unfortunately, TinCanWarr seems to go away from his keyboard and our hero was killed by a nearby Sand Monster. Luckily, our hero didn’t drop the met he was holding.

"Team I_PK_U speaks to All: MASTER R U DERRR??????????"
"Team I_PK_U speaks to All: MASTER R U DERRR??????????"
"Team I_PK_U speaks to All: MASTER R U DERRR??????????"
"Team I_PK_U speaks to All: MASTER R U DERRR??????????"
"Team I_PK_U speaks to All: MASTER R U DERRR??????????"
"Team I_PK_U speaks to All: MASTER R U DERRR??????????"

So this mid-levelled warrior, pissed that his plan of getting our n00b hero killed didn’t work, had had enough of it. He badly needed a met to upgrade his brand new elite warrior armor that he bought in the market. He was actually about to buy that elite dress but settled for the armour since the elite dress cost more than the armour. Desperate for mets, he now intended to kill our n00b hero:

"Team TinCanWarr speaks to all: stand over here. safe spot."

Our noob hero gladly obliged, and stood where the warrior told him to do. Not soon after that, I_PK_U saw the warrior suddenly rush over to him, hitting him with Flying Moon! *BHAM* and our hero died. As a ghost, our noob hero saw the blinking-named warrior pick up the met that he dropped, and was cursing at the warrior in ghost mode. Too bad the warrior couldn't see what he was saying.

Raise your hand if you alive?

Haha. We're so brothers.

I was just about to post something like that. Here's how mine woulda been like.

"Just the other day, my g/f stood me up to.

No wait. That was a dream.

I envy all of you."

Not as long and humorous, but the same message either way wink

Well, seriously, I just need a ******** vent. Chris, I apologize, I'm sure you've heard a good 120% of this utter crap already. u__u For those of you who actually read this piece s**t, I can't apologize more. I just need to get this out, even though it's been told a few times to close confidents. It'll probably forever remain trapped within my mind, but hell.

Is it so wrong for me to have an opinion? Granted, most of my life I purposely put myself down as a doormat for everyone else to walk on -- it got to the point where it felt unnatural not to.

Now, after I had, well, I'll call it the A-bomb going off in my psyche, I'm having to rethink things over and all the while, pray to whatever deity there is that I don't act like a stupid b***h and just make it worse.

I hate being so damned depressed, suicidal. Many have it so much worse than I do, I have a bed, roof, clothing... yet I continue to be so down, so negative.

Finally, after realizing that I could very well die, one of my friends turned me in. I had been bulimic for years, probably as a result from the poor self-esteem in my depression, and I admitted to a friend, and as pissed as I was at the time, she did the right thing by running to my mother.

I was sent to the psychiatric ward after I tried to kill myself. I thought about it constantly beforehand; I still think of it now. The doctors I've seen, even those at the hospital, think I've been this way all of my life, chronically depressed with social anxiety. It just surfaced to the extreme as of the past few years.

Now I have to undergo "cognative therapy" to see what in the hell makes me think so negatively to the point where it ruins my life. I've taken so many pills, changed prescriptions...my bathroom's practically a pharmacy. And those times when I cannot stand even thinking, I just pop quite a few of those antidepressants and put myself to sleep, hoping I don't wake up.

Other times, it's cutting. It's my only way back to reality. But, as of now, I know my family cares, but all they can do to try and change this is scold me, yelling at me, asking, "What did you use?! Why are you doing this?!"

Honestly, I don't know why anymore. I feel I must repent for any wrongs I commit. If I were to make someone mad, make a stupid choice, become sloth, I hurt myself, time and time again.

Being said, maybe I should actually make a point. Are these mental diseases just that, a disease? Early on, before I even recognized this, I thought it was all a bunch of bullshit. Bulimia, the psyche situation to where you feel it's necessary to purge... I thought it was a lifestyle, not some problem in your mind. And I still continue to think my chronic depression was my result of the past, things I can't change. Depression, I can't change it, and medicine only supposedly "balances out moods," but if my underlying problems still exist, medicine does absolutely s**t. Depression is my life, and life is depressing.

So now, if I ever even get angry, which I do (but now I actually voice my anger instead of bottling it) --- I'm instantly asked by my brother and father if I "had taken my medicine," like that's the only thing available to keep me "normal."

Normal for me is radically different from the rest of my family. Normal is continually wanting to die, feeling the faint burn when the fizzures in your flesh begin to heal... now, trying to be happy, for them, instead of just putting on a mask... it's change. I can't deal with it, even still.

...

and if I type any more, I'll probably start bawling. I don't mean for this to be the typical teen angst omglooki'msoemo post, and I can't apologize enough.

.___. el fin.