Welcome to Gaia! ::

Damn you're harsh! Not that that's a bad thing but seeing as I am one of those "easily offended" people I think I'll stay out of this board...

Well, I do appreciate what you have to say. I'm always thankful to get a good critique so that I can better my roleplay with the suggestions given. Thank you again for your time.

Do i just post my story i want reviewed on here. or pm it to someone....???

Because of the length of this i'm not going to look at the entire thing yet. I will tell you this. Plain and simple the powers don't work. They're FASR FAR FAR too powerful. on a scale of 1-10 where most people in the roleplay are below an 8 you're at about a 115. It completely unacceptable because there is basically nothign you can't do.


Also i'm heavily against the twin thing. But if you can convince me i'll let that part stand. until both of those issues are resolved there is no reason to deeply analyze these characters.

~Melissa~

I figured that might come up. I actually had a reason for making them that powerful, but it wasn't anything important. I'll change that now.


EDIT: The revised profile has replaced the old one. I didn't want to re-post if I could avoid it.

EDIT2: The information that was here has been PMed to krome, as leaving it here for everyone to see was just stupid of me.

Name: Serenity Heeler but no one knows her as Serenity, they all call her Rena. In fact, even her parents often forget her name is Serenity.

I'll buy Serenity if you tell me at least one of her parents were hippies. Nice last name. I doubt they all would completely forget she was technically Serenity, though, simply because unless they've legally changed her name they'e going to have to put the full version on anything official.

You have a comma splice. Assuming that 'her name is' is implied in the beginning of that so that we can treat this like a setence, you need to change it to this: Serenity Heeler[COMMA] but no one knows her as Serenity[SEMI-COLON] they all call her Rena.

And who's 'they' anyway? Avoid vague pronouns. Like the plauge.

Age: 14

Alignment: Unknown

Special Abilities: Rena can manipulate the element of earth and can use water very slightly but she has only seen herself using earth so she believes she can only change the soil. Being ignorant about the reason behind these powers, she refrains from using them.

I think I honestly need to ask the world where everyone's creativity has gone recently. You're certainly not the only one who has submitted an app with one or more of the various 'elemental' powers on it, but I have to say I'm getting bored with them. *Sigh*. (It's fine for you to use these, I'm just complaining in general.) I am interested, however, in making you define exactly what 'earth' is as far as her power's concerned. Does, for example, concrete count if it's mixed in with other soil-y things? Does the material in question have to have a certain percentage of humus or something?

Sidenote: The earth + a little bit of water thing somehow makes me want to yell "Look! She manipulates mud!". I see that that's actually what you're going for in your history there, but it's still mildly funny...

Now, aside from her history detail I don't personally see any especial value with tacking on the 'little bit of water' thing to her main earth power; technically it's not harming much though, so long as you don't go wild with your definition of exactly how much of what she can manipulate... Krome prefers that multiple powers be at least loosely connected by some sort of theme; if you go all 'four elements' I guess those powers kind of are, but eh... Mud's a more fun way to state it.

Comma between slightly and but. I don't really get why she refrains from using them--it seems unlikely she'd be ignorant about what caused them (assuming that's what you mean by 'reason') when she must have some information about Novas from television and the Academy itself. I could see fear of not knowing what was going on legitimately causing some hesitation, but that specific word isn't mentioned, just her ignorance... So I'm still left wondering what exactly it is about not knowing that keeps her from using them; fear and extreme caution are only two possible explanations to choose from...

Appearance: At 5'7" tall, Rena towered over many in her current school. The tips of her black hair when let down landed below her waist but she always braided and inconspicuously folded it, giving her deceptively shorter hair. Rena's fringe covered her eyes; eyes that were at first glance dark brown but on closer inspection revealed dark amber. Her figure though slender, looked more plump due to the layers of clothing, usually black and white (her favourite colours), that she wore. She almost always wore a perfectly-fitting top, a jacket and a pair of pants that were a size too big. Despite all this, she held herself as tall as she was.

So, you're okay with her appearing average, but underneath you want her to still be physically beautiful. I shouldn't be able to figure out your personal definition of physically beautiful (moderate height, long hair of nice color, subtley special eyes, slender fingure, and nice clothing) by simply reading your appearance...

Recommendation: either stop being coy and roundabout about the fact that she's pretty and be straightfoward with her description or take the leap to make her average-looking even when you do study her for a bit.

Example of first: Rena has waist-length black hair and fringe/bangs (she tends to wear it braided or folded up), dark brown eyes, and a slender figure. At 5'7" tall, Rena towered over many in her previous school; she wears relatively normal clothing and favors the colors black and white.

Example of second: Rena has relatively long black hair (it reaches to about the middle of her back) and fringe/bangs, dark brown eyes, and a slightly plump figure; at 5'7" tall, she towered over many in her previous school. Though some of her clothing is a little large for her frame, most of if fits normally; the majority of her wardrobe is either black or white, her two favorite/favourite colors.

('Nother sidenote: I imagine it's not a coincidence that even those two appearances represent different levels of beauty, when Merlinic writes them they look much the same... It's probably because she's a dedicated member of the 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' school.)

Modicum of explanation: if her eyes really are more yellow-brown than brown, say 'yellow-brown' or 'yellowish brown' or 'yellow-tinted brown' or something other than--*gasps at dark understated beauty*--'amber'. If you have a choice between the foofy pretty word and the down to earth real world, in Merlinic's book you always go with the real word. Unless, of course, you're making fun of foofiness. Along the same vain, words like 'perfectly-fitting' must also be slashed unless you're actually making an important point with them. (Sorry if I'm being more snippy than usual on this particular word-choice subject, but issues like these have bugged me beyond belief ever since I began discovering all those 'emerald eyes' and 'onyx hair' descriptions around Gaia...)

Personality: Rena, on appearance, is a jovial and happy person and usually forces herself to be so. But if anyone comments deprecatingly about her or those dear to her, she will lash out furiously. Rena uses her fury to mask her pain about how she is affected. She rarely shows her real feelings because she is scared but that is not to say her face doesn't show any emotion. She is well-versed in masking her feelings with other emotions. Rena is subject to severe mood-swings; at times she will genuinely be happy but minutes later could be in a rage.

I've given this personality a few different read-throughs on different occasions; at first the description felt very disconnected, but now that the pieces've mulled around in my brain a bit it's easier to imagine all of them as one complete person... You have some grammar issues here, though.

The first sentence is a little awkward because of your subject/verb placement/order stuff. One possible way to phrase things: Rena, on appearance, [I would prolly say 'to all appearances', but that's word choice] is a jovial, happy person; however, the emotion is forced rather than natural/naturally occuring.

The second sentence is a fragment. Try starting it with "However, if..." instead.

Rena uses her fury to mask her pain about how she is affected.

How she is affected? (Imagine a confused look of blankness here.) Come again, using more concrete terms?

She rarely shows her real feelings because she is scared but that is not to say her face doesn't show any emotion.

Comma between scared and but. The second part would be less wordy if you changed it to something like 'but her face does show emotion'--you may have to reword the next sentence a bit or combine the two to keep the two of them together from being repetitious... What exactly is she scared of? Work the answer in if you can...

She is well-versed in masking her feelings with other emotions.

See above on the repetition.

Rena is subject to severe mood-swings; at times she will genuinely be happy but minutes later could be in a rage.

The second part I think I would phrase "at times she will be genuinely happy but but minutes later in a rage" or, to detour a little further from your words, "she can be genuinely happy one moment but in a rage the next."

Sexual Orientation: Rena is straight but is not really into men. She believes them to be egotistic and arrogant but not with any heartbreak or other painful experiences.

What's with the end of that sentence? I imagine you mean 'but not because of any [particular] heartbreak of painful experience'. *Studies sentence*. That's still a little odd grammatically, though--perhaps you could decide why exactly she does feel that way and change it to a "...arrogant because ___" kind of sentence.

History: Rena lives with her parents and older brother Jake. They lived happily like all other families but her parents worked long hours, so often weren't home during the day. When they were home, they were too tired to do much other than eat dinner with their children and maybe watch a movie. Rena couldn't help but feel neglected when her stories were often never listened to. She began to depend solely on her brother for confidantes. The family of four lived with the minor scruples that are inevitable in relationships.

I think I would make the first line 'grew up with' or 'lived with'--I see you may be making right before she leaves the 'present' moment, but I'm more used to seeing these parts of the profile all in past as the characters now have different living situations...

Rena couldn't help but feel neglected when her stories were often never listened to. Maybe I'm just too optomistic a person, but I find lines invoking these sorts of things generally unrealistic. In my imagination almost any average (and many of the non-average ones too) parent would make plenty of effort, tired or not, to hear any stories their kids had to tell; interacting with their kids like that is one of the many rewards of having and raising them in the first place.

I would be willing to believe that she would depend on her brother more than usual if he got stuck with the job of looking after her after school during those hours before their parents were off ('solely' is a bit strong though). You would need to say 'as a confidant' rather than 'for confidantes'. It's surprising but not impossible that they would have a truly close relationship rather than something of the 'she's my annoying little sister/he's my meanie older brother, but I suppose s/he's alright sometimes' genre--that relationship would be a good thing to play with more if you can.

Pretty much the rest of this profile:

Then, when they'd gone on their occasional camping trips, something changed all order in the house. The four of them were walking through the bush to explore the tracks. They came across a dirt road for vehicles and after checking to see it was safe, they started to cross. Then suddenly, a car appeared around the bend at a speed that was obviously too fast to brake in time. Rena, being the closest, felt the rush of adrenaline shoot through her body but it froze her in place. Her wide eyes, however, were not on the swerving car but on the soil before it. Her logical mind wished that the gravel were replaced with mud. She willed it all her being, begging desperately for the earth not to be so dry. And before her disbelieving eyes, the dirt road changed into a darker colour, spreading like wild-fire. Her already wide eyes widened even more at the miracle before her. The car came into the wet soil and slowed in the slush and finally came to a stop a few metres before her.
Rena felt herself land on her knees; her legs no longer having the strength to support her. Her breathing came hard and fast. Jake ran up to her and knelt down to her level. He watched her and turned, awed, to the car steaming in front of them. He held her close to him, thanking God for saving his sister. Rena was relieved for the support she received but she realised that four other hands weren't holding her. She turned slowly to look at her parents, standing a few feet away, horror written plainly over their faces.
They all went home immediately and the ride home was unusually quiet. Her father kept glancing at her in the rear-view mirror as he drove through the wilderness. When they reached home, Rena couldn't help but feel out of place in the familiar surroundings. Her parents avoided talking to her about the incident. They pretended nothing had happened with false happiness but Rena caught them staring at her with apprehension often. Rena received the letter from the Galvan Nova Academy but just tossed it into the pile of papers in her room. She felt confident she wouldn't be forced out of her own house. She was only half-right. Her parents never asked her to leave but it was apparent that they couldn't handle a daughter with supernatural powers. Soon after, Rena left home with most of her belongings and left to the airport to board the plane that would take her to "Galvan Nova Academy."

...is way too far into story mode. Because this is a profile, you need to focus more on telling me what happened (rather than 'how it happened') like this:

When a speeding car threatened her and her family's lives, Rena instinctively wished for mud to appear to slow the car down; miraculously, her wish was granted. For several hours afterwards, her parents were too startled by the near-accident and the sudden appearance of her powers to discuss what had just happened. Etc...

Fixing all of that will take out a considerable chunk of your history; more details about the brother-sister relationship, any friends she had, her school life and other such tidbits could replace the lost wordage.

It is also highly unlikely that her parents (especially when at least one of them theoretically has some kind of hippy background and would accept odd things a little more easily than the average adult) would be so absolutely hostile in a world where Novas are currently the coolest things ever. (If you wanted you could make them ultra conservative to back up a reaction like that, but then you'd have more explaining to do with that name.)

*Pokes existing rp and some of its previous applicants moodily* Everyone's already in love with the 'I'm persecuted, pity me' line, but Galvan just isn't there yet...


Anyway. Yeah. Not too shabby. Take a look at what I've said, make some adjustments, make arguments for anything you won't adjust, and repost. *Groove* It's almost funny in a sad way how many people have now given up halfway through applying for Galvan... >< / XD.

To world:

There could and should be some shifting around here to hopefully get things moving a little more quickly, as Merlinic and krome both have decreasing amounts of free time for this kind of thing...

Biblis: You are probably going to get either very general or very short chunks of review due to the damn time issue (again). If you're really, really, really patient eventually we might actually work through all of that... But for now, if you've got a part you'd like us to start with in particular, mark it or highlight it or something so we can hit that bit first. You need to reformat too, man--since tabbing in is difficult on the internet, just put an extra 'enter' between separate paragraphs (that includes dialogue). Please. It makes it easier to read *nodnod*.