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 Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:39 pm
In a certain room of the house a red furred figure was stretched out lazily, but thinking. Having the blond cat gone was great, it meant no more being molested, but it was also sad to, he reminded the red furred creature alot of his friend Evans and Evans prosecutor friend, Arthur....there were no pleasant memories at Arthur, just arguments. He shifted, looking over at what should have been another occupied part of the room. Okay, so he did miss Casey, but just a little. He remained blissfully unaware of the other spirit, wrapped in his own thoughts and memories.
Dino waited for Allen to sit down, before telling his story. He told the older ghost about Reborn, his teachings, why he had to take on the title of the tenth Cavallone, and when he reached his father, well, he didn't go into much about him, possibly the quickest part of the whole story. He also told Allen of Reborns next student, Tsuna, and the adventures the boy would tell him that he had (unwillingly) had. He also included the tournament for the rings, but that was when he stopped, it was also when.... "Th-that's all. What did you think?"
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:39 pm
Allen remained quiet for a little while. He thought of all the things Dino said, even so it somehow felt like he was avoiding certain subjects. He didn't want to press however, he knew that Dino was merely avoiding to open the wounds of his past and Allen didn't want to rub at them. He didn't really know what to say... he was asked for an opinnion but didn't know what to say. He shook his head while looking at the bottom of his empty cup. He sighed. Raising his eyes to look at Dino he knew what he had to say. He didn't know if it was goingto make things any better... but he had to say it.
"The question here is... what do you think about it, Dino-san?" he asked with that sort of wisdom that comes either from ignorant bliss or from deep wisdom. Allen however, was blessed with neither ignorance nor wisdom... a thing he regretted yet could do nothing about...
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:50 pm
It was a question that hurt and yet was so simple it could be philosophical, and in all honesty, Dino knew the answer. "I think, it's all a series of events, that involved the right people, even if they thought it was wrong at first." He kept his hands clenched in his lap, though with that confession they slowly began to relax. "I can't help but wonder what if though, sometimes. Don't you Allen, Lavi." He said the last name in greeting to the red headed ghost who had just walked in. Maybe he would open up more to Allen, but not today, and if the aura that suddenly appeared in the air was anything to go by, it wouldn't be tomorrow either.
He was beyond worry, sadness and depression, and he knew it, but he couldn't but feel these things for his friends, especially for Allen, the one in the most danger besides Rynl. He flopped into a chair in the kitchen, having not yet noticed Allen, but he had heard Dino. 'Hey Dino."
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:06 pm
Allen almost jerked up as if electrified at Dino's last question. The sudden mention of the other's name woke up the restless feeling that was haunting him ever since the day he woke up as himself. It was something instictual and deep-rooted, uncontrolable almost even though he had supressed it twice, managing to overthrow it only once. He wondered what the meaning of that was since it somehow hurt in a different way when he was on his own. Managing to make himself calm down by analyzing the question in his head he felt the surge of a sullenly bitter feeling rise to grip his heart.
Sometimes you can't help but wonder 'what if'...
What if people didn't lie to you?
What if you were someone else?
What if some things never hapenned to you?
What if...
He was about to think 'you never lost your memory of some things' but he didn't as his eyes drifted to Lavi's form flopping down in a tired manner on that chair. He almost frowned, worried. He didn't speak however since he wasn't greeted, just lowered his eyes to look at his cup again. The questions were drowning him again... and he lowered his head feeling tears rising to his eyes for another time but wanting neither to see.
He bit his lower lip to distract himself and swallowed his tears through self-control he didn't knew he had. Taking a deep breath to calm his heartbeat down he waited in silence. And waited...
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:44 am
Dino frowned, his eyes full of concern. He had said something just as painful as what Allen had said to him, hadn't he? Or was it about the tired ghost next to him, who Dino looked at just as concerned for him as he was for Allen. He wanted to leave, to let them talk, and thankfully his excuse came, in the form of a loud thud in the living room. Before either Lavi or Allen could get up, Dino was already at the door way. "I'll go see what it was, you two just relax." And he left before either could protest.
Two? Who else was there? Lavi looked up, horrified when he saw that it was Allen. "Oh god, i'm sorry Allen! I thought it was just Dino in the room." He was making it worse, crap, Allen looked like he was going to start crying at any minute. "I didn't mean it like I forgot you! Just, I was thinking and---i'm rambling." It was situations like this when Lavi wondered where the hell his control over his emotions thoughts and actions went.
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:26 pm
Allen didn't look up to Lavi. His mind could barely comprehend those hastily spoken words, the only things really latching on to his conscious being theone spoken word of apology. Forcing his tears to dry -even though it made a knot settle in his throat- he picked his head up, slowly, and looked over to Lavi.
The endless reflection on the glass was terrifying, it made the time slip all the more mercilessly by. In the nightmares Allen had he was always alone, all by himself in the silence, waiting for his death, praying for his death, being forced to the point of wishing for his death... just so he wouldn't have to suffer... even if he didn't feel any pain. There weren't any tears in his eyes, there wasn't any fear in his actions... there was nothing else left waiting for him at the other side of the glass box anyway. Just the voice, scornful, laughing at him, forcing him to make a choice in which there was nothing but evil but no lesser of two evils.
There weren't tears in his eyes as he looked over at Lavi, there was just the pain of the silent suffering he didn't choose for himself and this thirst, this lust, this desperate need to know and understand.
One who knows nothing can wish only for nothing...
In complete contrast to the ghost of the red-headed teen who was simply expressing himself, Allen sat iddly by, just starring, not knowing what he was supposed to do, what he should do. In the deepest part of his heart and in the most faraway corner of his mind though he knew the answer to his own, yet unphrased, question. It was the only thing that kept him going, the only thing that made him throw all doubt aside when it seemed that all hope was lost, the only thing that made him rise every time he fell, even when he had nothing else to hold on to. It was this single piece of advice that burdenned down his shoulders like a curse and a blessing at the same time. So, even if he had to face the deepest of darkness along the way.... Even if his hands were broken and he couldn't lean onto anything... Even if his eyes bacame blinded and he couldn't see... Even if... Even if his legs were broken and he had to crawl like a worm in the mud... he couldn't... he could never give in, never succumb, not until the day he died, not even after that... Knowing this he couldn't just allow to himself to fall appart... It was not yet time... He had to push forward, harder, towards the light at the end of the tunnel which he couldn't see yet... Keep walking...
Allen stared directly into Lavi's green eye, a stare not nearly as piercing as the other ghost's but examining nontheless. He suddently found himself thinking to himself about the how vividly green Lavi’s single visible eye was. It was a deep, dark shade of green, like the color of the forest after the storm. A calm sincere shade. Allen let himself get lost in that forest, wanting to find himself surrounded, protected by the solace of this gaze.
In the silence he found himself. The same silence that undid him.
He blinked slowly, trying to realize what had just hapenned. He wasn't mad at Lavi for not greeting him right away. He wasn't mad at Lavi for talking with Kanda. The rush of stimuli made his thinking shrouded, he acknowledged that now, even if it was for just a little while. Getting up from where he was seated to stumble across the small distance between Lavi and himself he collapsed in the other's arms -or to be more realistic and accurate, his lap-, knees on the floor while he simply laid his head against Lavi's stomach as his tears finally breached through, the knot in his throat -and his chest- unclenching itself, finally. He needed to cry. Needed that. Needed to let it all out. Needed the reasurance of Lavi's warmth so close to him, even though he didn't know why... and for one more time he realized he was being selfish. Raising his head to look at Lavi again, he made a miserable attempt to wipe his tears away.
"I'm sorry..." he said, sniffling lightly. "It seems I always end up crying for no reason with you..." he mumbled on making an attempt at a small smile, the least he could do to say sorry since he hadn't given the other time to react so far, push him away, be angry at him for impossing so terribly. Allen withdrew his emotions inside himself again, retreating like the flower into bud at sundown.
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Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 9:28 pm
Lavi looked down at his friend, his own emotions wanting to surface, but couldn't because he was confused, and new one that Allen wouldn't like, his pity, so he settled with reassuring Allen it was okay, never realizing he had slid down on the floor to support him.
When Dino went to the living room, he hadn't expected Rynl of all people to be the one passed out, but he was. Panicking, Dino tried to lift him as best he could, managing to drag him to the couch. Should he tell Lavi? Well, that was obvious, the ghost was Rynls teacher after all, but he would wait, since he felt Lavi and Allen needed the time. When Rynl was adjusted, Dino flopped down, exhausted from the task. "I wonder how he ended up this way?" Dino wondered
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:21 am
For another time Allen thought he felt it there. Quiet. In a house with as many occupants that everyone just went their way doing whatever each had to do it was really hard to find quiet. But still, he felt it, like that other time when he sat with Lavi outside. It was a serene, calming silence, as if there was no one else there but the two of them. This kind of silence was nothing like the one in his dreams -that one was lifeless, a reassurance of his demise- it felt welcoming. He sighed, placing both hands on his knees, keeping a small distance between Lavi and himself. He tried to think clearly but it was rather hard. What were people supposed to say in such situations? 'thank you?' not that he wasn't thankful... that he was... it was just... it made him mildly frustrated... and...
"Hey, Lavi..." he mumbled all of a sudden. "How do you call it when one wants to cry... and laugh at the same time?" he asked. Lavi was reading all the time... he was bound to know the word he was missing, Allen thought.
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:27 pm
"A nervous breakdown." Was the quiet answer, and Lavi held on tighter. If that was what he was to expect, he might as well let it happen, he wouldn't be able to stop it anyway, helping Allen by making sure he didn't harm himself was a good idea too.
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:56 pm
Allen blinked. Yeah... pretty much, wasn't that right? His thoughts made no sense either, but having already withdrawn his worry didn't show, or he at least hoped so. He wants to get up. He doesn't want to get up. Allen didn't know what he wanted for yet another time and it made him all the more confused. Lavi's presence so close was nice and comforting, yet again there was always the other part of him wanting to flee. He flexed the wings on his shoulders, they felt heavy even though he had gotten somewhat used to them. As of lately they'd feel numb sometimes and Allen would swear he could see some feathers that were stunningly darker than the rest of the white purity, though this was of no relevancy to the present tense.
"Is it really that bad?" he questioned wearing a small smile while he looked over at Lavi again, his fingers curling loosely around the fabric of his clothes.
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Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 8:35 am
"Well, it means I get to keep holding you." He had meant it as a joke, but it had sounded a bit...a bit more caring than intended. "I..I didn't mean that like...dammit." He cursed, he could swear his face was red.
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Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 12:13 pm
Allen blinked, looking up at Lavi. He didn't understand exactly what Lavi meant, then again a small part of him, somewhere at the back of his mind, poked him for dear life about it. However he couldn't grasp it right then and there and the other was so red... even his ears. Allen suddently wondered if he was sick...
"Lavi... are you having a fever?" he asked with concern, reaching one hand out to touch Lavi's forehead. "Your face is red..."
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:25 am
"Ah, no...um, wanna see what that noise was?" Lavi asked, attempting to change the subject, and he did want to know what it was. "Maybe Dino tripped again." But the noise sounded much larger than the rabbit, so Lavi was a little concerned.
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:13 pm
Allen nodded, curious himself. He couldn't really imagine what that thing that fell was... however it surely didn't sound like Dino. After all the rabbit-demon was quite lightweight anyway. Getting up and walking to the kitchen's door he peeked outside.
"Dino-san!" he called out. "Is everything alright?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 6:12 pm
Dino looked over at the two, a serious look on his face. "I'm fine, but...Rynl isn't." He pointed to the blond on the couch, and ignored Lavis gasp. "He passed out a few minutes ago, and he hasn't woke up." He wanted to add that it seemed like Runl had gained a snse of self again just before he fainted, but Dino didn't want to give lavi false hope, or what he assumed was false hope.
Lavi cautiously went over, looking down at the still living blond. He actually looked like he was still happy, with emotions,not the wind-up doll he had become. The red-head stroked the blonds cheek, a sad look in his eye.
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