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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:18 pm
ditto thats even more realisitic
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 10:12 am
Poor Janine, she's got the Mighty Author thinking up ways to make her unhappy enough but still be realistic!
Not that I'm complaining. More plz.
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:08 pm
Seriously, I'll hold Gall down and chew off his nose if you don't continue.
Or...
I refuse to write anymore until this epic master-piece is concluded, and trust me, my mom just graduauted from college, the computer is more than free now.
(That's why I haven't been active in about a year and a half, because she was always using the computer)
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Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:47 pm
Zahmen Seriously, I'll hold Gall down and chew off his nose if you don't continue. Or... I refuse to write anymore until this epic master-piece is concluded, and trust me, my mom just graduauted from college, the computer is more than free now. (That's why I haven't been active in about a year and a half, because she was always using the computer) lucky for me I don't have a nose! biggrin but zahmen is right... You must write more!!! /nagging off
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:14 pm
Mreow~
Reading this again makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable about being comfortable in my sexuality. Write more soon, anyway. *pokepoke* =p
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:51 pm
Okay, guys. Four-day absence of internet. But I did write more, as well as 2 chapters of 4000. ^^ Up in a min. Plus, I added the more realistic ending to that part of the story....
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 5:47 pm
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:34 pm
>< This next piece is going to be sex-ay.
Only it contains barely any sex. >>
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:51 pm
That's no contradiction. Also: gimme.
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:35 pm
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 9:03 pm
MORE MID-SENTENCE ENDINGS AAAAH.
But yay. Again. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:46 pm
~~~
Nina goes to public school, one at least six NYC blocks away from her home. Janine always stands at the corner and watches the kids pour out of the school, searching the crowd for her daughter. Today, David stands with her. She gently pushes him away until he is standing at arm’s length without explaining why, but he thinks he understands.
The bell rings. The kids pour out of the school and separate, smaller rivulets of the flood branching off to rush in different directions. Several dozen push past Janine and David. Some of them point at Janine and mutter rude remarks; she ignores them, but David scowls, and they go away. He wants to hold her hand, but feel it isn’t allowed.
A small girl separates from the crowd and comes toward them; Janine opens her arms and hugs her. The girl has dark auburn hair of a different texture than Janine’s, and wears faded jeans and a modest, too-big, dark red shirt. She carries a sweater over her arm. She buries her face in the front of Janine’s t-shirt.
“Hi, baby,” she smiles. “Did you have a good day?”
Nina--for it has to be her--shakes her head. Janine frowns; she waits for Nina to talk about it. But Nina doesn’t want to. Instead, she gives a reply that is typical of Janine:
“I want to go to the park now, Mama.”
It isn’t a demand; she is not spoiled at all. But it isn’t a request.
Nina turns her head to the side and gives David a calculating look. Her features are slimmer than her mother’s, though her mouth is a bit rounder. But the look in her eyes is very familiar. Nina is Janine all over again.
Janine follows her gaze. “Nina, honey, this is David. He’s a good friend of mine.”
Nina waves a hand, then wraps it back around her mother. She looks up; Janine looks down.
“Can we go to the park?”
“Sure.”
“Which park?”
Janine smiles. “How about Central?”
Nina beams. There’s something soft in her smile. She doesn’t say anything; she and her mother seem to communicate without words. David feels lost; yet awestruck by the beauty of it. Janine’s child. Such love.
They start to walk. David follows at Janine’s side. It is very hard not to touch her; she gives him a warning glance when he gets too close. What does she mean? Not in public? Or not in front of Nina? David keeps his distance.
Janine and Nina seem comfortable in the silence; however, Janine senses that David is not. “Have you ever been to Central Park, David?”
“I think. Once or twice. Never saw it all.”
“You can’t in one day. It’s lovely this time of year. Come on, Nina, this way--we’ll take the subway.”
As they walk, Janine pulls out a green-and-blue card: MetroCard, it said. “I think I have some left on this thing,” she mutters to herself. “If not….” She digs at the bottom of her small handbag. Pulls out dimes, nickels, a quarter or two. Counts them. “Yeah, that’s two…wonder if we can all squeeze in at once….”
David frowns. He finds this unacceptable. He reaches for his own wallet, deep in his pocket.
They descend underground. Janine swipes her card. It’s empty.
“s**t,” she hisses to herself. “Well….”
“Janine,” David offers, “let me pay.”
She shoots him a warning glance. “No one asked you to pay for anything.”
“I want to. It’s just two per person, right? It’s not a problem.”
She scowls. “I’m fine.”
“Please, Janine? I want to go to Central. And so do you, right, Nina?”
He instantly feels bold for addressing her like that, as if he was a commoner speaking to a princess. She looks at him for four very tense seconds. Then she nods.
Janine sighs; runs her hand through her ponytail. “Fine,” she mutters. “Here.”
She hands him the card. He tells the machine that he wants to put $10 worth of subway rides on it. Janine sees this, and glares.
“Paying for yourself all week, David?”
“It’s okay,” he assures her. “I told you I work in a bar. Drunk people leave great tips.”
“I don’t need your money.”
“It’s a gift. You can pay me back later if you insist.”
She glowers at the subtle reference to her job, then glances at Nina; she doesn’t seem to understand. Janine relaxes. Snatches her card back and tells the machine to take out two rides’ worth from it.
“There’s three of us.”
“Nina and I can go together.”
David lets her do as she pleases. He wonders why she is so proud. She shoves him through the turnstile; then she picks up Nina, who clings to her like a toddler, and walks through herself. The machine registers it as one person. They enter the subway station. Find the right landing and wait.
Nina, David notices, isn’t embarrassed by her mother holding her. She seems to like it. In a way, she is as proud as Janine; but she is still just a child. Janine holds her close and kisses her often, as if to make sure she’s there and express her relief at Nina’s presence.
A subway that leads to their station pulls up; Janine walks briskly inside, and David follows. Before it fills, she sets Nina in one of the disability seats, which don’t fill as fast as the others and are right by the door. Then she stands close to her, grabs onto the pole, and waits. David stands by her. The doors close; the subway speeds beneath the city.
The ride is short, but not short enough. The people press close. David feels claustrophobic. Then he sees Janine tense; he looks and sees her shoe fly backward and kick a man who had been touching her butt dangerously close to his balls. She doesn’t even look down. The man swears.
“Not so easy anymore, sugar?” he hisses at her. He looks drunk. Maybe even stoned.
Janine doesn’t answer. David glares at the man, who doesn’t see. He glances at Nina, who is staring at the grubby floor as if she cannot hear what is happening.
“What’re you down here for?” the man taunted. “Couldn’t persuade your pimp to give you a ride with those lips of yours?”
Janine tensed. David has had enough.
“Back off, a*****e,” he snaps.
The man sneers. Janine blinks. “Don’t swear, David,” she says quietly. “Just be quiet.”
“Yeah, don’t swear, be quiet,” mimics the man. People are starting to stare; David feels that Janine knows it. “And who the ******** are you?” the man snaps at him.
David’s anger boils over. He leans in close to the man, who is trapped and has nowhere to go. “I’m with her,” he says furiously. “Do you want me to carve it into your face for you so you won’t forget?”
He reaches into his pocket. There is no knife, of course, but it is a threatening gesture. The man mumbles something rude at Janine and pushes himself through the crowd, retreating to the other side of the train.
David returns to his place by Janine, who is staring at the floor. “You are such an idiot, lover boy,” she whispers to him. She sounds more sad than angry.
David doesn’t know what to say; but then Nina catches his eye. She gives him a long, penetrating glance; then she smiles. David has won her royal approval. He smiles timidly back.
He leans a bit closer to Janine, who raises a hand to push her away. “Don’t worry about people like that,” he murmurs to her. “You’re beautiful. And wonderful.”
She doesn’t reply; she just pushes him back. People are still looking. Even in basketball shorts and a t-shirt, workout clothes, Janine still attracts lecherous looks. The train stops; as the people pour out, someone mutters something to Janine, but she replies, “No, thank you. I’m not at work today.” Then she picks up Nina again and leaves with David behind her.
It is still several blocks to Central Park. They walk there in silence. They arrive near Strawberry Fields; Janine uses the last of her money to buy a bottle of water from a nearby vendor. She gives it to Nina, who takes a sip, then sits and pulls Nina onto her lap. Nina smiles, comfortable there; Janine kisses her and hugs her tightly.
David glances at the vendor’s stand. “I’m getting a hot dog,” he says. “Janine, do you want one? You didn’t eat lunch.”
Janine gives him an annoyed glance. “I’m fine.”
“Nina?” he offers.
Janine glares, but Nina smiles. “Can I have a pretzel?”
“Sure. Want a drink?”
“No thank you.”
David nods and gets a pretzel, handing it to Nina. She takes a happy bite. Then she brushes most of the salt off of an inch-long piece and offers it to her mother. Janine’s entire expression softens when she looks at her daughter; she takes it and compliments it, thanks Nina, though she is probably thinking of how much she owes David for it.
When she is satisfied that Nina is content, and doesn’t need to talk to her about something, she says quietly, “I’m going to run, okay? I’ll be really close. Call if you need me.”
Nina nods. She slides off of Janine’s lap and shifts onto the bench, chewing away at the pretzel. Janine stands up, stretches a bit, then takes off at a brisk jog. She turns and is out of sight.
David sits beside Nina and contemplates his mustard-drizzled hot dog before he takes a bite. Nina looks up at him.
“Do you want some of this?”
David is reminded vividly of Janine kneeling on the floor, smiling her hollow smile up at him. /Do you want more?/ He shudders at the memory of the empty eyes.
Instead of saying anything about it, he looks back at her and says, “Do you want some of this?”
“Sure.”
They trade. Nina swings her legs as she meditates on the hot dog.
“It’s all right. I like mustard.”
“So do I.”
Nina nods. They sit in silence.
“Do you like my mama?” she asks suddenly.
David nods. “Yes. A lot.”
“Do you visit her in the morning?”
David swallows. He has no idea how much Nina knows about Janine’s job. “Yes, I do,” he tells her. “All the time.”
Nina looks up at him. “Does she like you too?”
David frowns a little as he meets her gaze. He sees Janine in those eyes; yet something else too, something clearer and brighter and not quite as sad. Nina looks more hungry than anything, but patiently so: a cheetah stalking a deer.
“I don’t know.”
“Why did she let you come then?”
It is a good question. “I don’t know,” David says again. “But I think she’s mad at me.”
“We don’t have a lot of money,” Nina says frankly. “But we’re okay. Mama makes it okay. She gets insulted, when people give her money.”
David imagines so; people give her money so often for her services that she thinks it’s just rude when they say it’s for nothing. Pride.
“I can understand that. But it’s okay.”
“Yeah, it’s okay. She’ll make it up to you.”
David finds it eerie how much Nina knows; or at least, how much she appears to know. Maybe it is innocent. Maybe not.
Nina licks the remainder of the salt off of her fingers. “How about some ice cream?” David asks.
“Okay, sure.” Nina smiles.
“What kind?”
Nina points. “The cone. Right there.”
“Okay.”
“Mama won’t be happy.”
“It’s okay. It’s for you. Do you mind?”
“I like ice cream.”
David gets it for her. She licks contentedly at it. She doesn’t thank him; she probably assumes that it’s understood. She is very like Janine.
“Do you like ice cream?”
“Yes. It’s nice once in a while.”
“What’s your favorite flavor?”
“It’s too hard to pick.”
“Strawberry, chocolate, or vanilla?”
“Chocolate. Then vanilla.”
“Me too, only strawberry’s my second favorite. Cookies and cream or mint chocolate chip?”
“Cookies and cream.”
They continue this for a little while; then they pause as Janine runs by again. Nina waves; Janine slows and, frowning at the ice cream, gives her a hug. She isn’t tired yet; she isn’t even breathing hard.
They say nothing to each other. Finally, Janine kisses Nina on the forehead, throws a glare in David’s direction, and runs off again. David watches her go with a painful longing in his chest.
“You’re looking at my mama,” Nina observes.
David doesn’t stop looking. “Yep.”
Nina nods. Says nothing more about it. “What about cookie dough?”
~~~
Janine takes Nina to a different part of Central after a while, again running in a small circle within calling range; Nina sits quietly and contemplates nature, occasionally voicing a question in David’s general direction. They begin to have something similar to a conversation; Nina will occasionally be quiet for a long time before answering, and says some very odd things, but she is honest, and she is friendly. It seems that the usual hostility of her mother is learned, not inherited. They get along very well together.
Janine relocates again, and then again, this time to the playground. Nina swings happily to dangerous heights; Janine comes by every few minutes, but doesn’t tell her to stop. David follows her lead and simply hovers nearby, waiting to catch Nina if she falls.
Nina eventually slows to a halt; then they have a conversation about swinging, which ends in David sitting gingerly in one and Nina pushing him and laughing at his fear.
“You’re really big,” she informs him.
“Too big for these swings,” he replies edgily.
“/I/ don’t think so. But you are big. Are you strong, too?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
“Show me, pick me up!” she commands.
He obediently lifts her onto his back. Nina giggles with delight, wrapping her slender arms around his neck.
“You ARE strong.”
“Thanks.”
“Take me over there. Go.”
He does what she says, thrilled to be getting along with Janine’s beloved daughter; their journey eventually halts by the tall metal slide. Nina suddenly leaps from his back and grabs onto the slide’s ladder, climbing up.
“Come on! Push me!”
He feels a bit nervous, climbing such a shaky children’s plaything, but he does it anyway--he finds the slide much solider than he had anticipated. He gives Nina a gentle push; she laughs as she slides down.
“Now you! Come on!” she orders from the bottom.
David slides down; then decides that he will never do it again. He tells Nina so; she laughs and latches onto his back again.
“You’re more fun anyway.”
He carries her around a bit more; he doesn’t mind. Then suddenly, she asks him, “Have you ever hurt my mama?”
He frowns. “I sure hope not…I’ve never meant to, if I have….”
“You’re big enough.”
“I don’t ever want to.”
Nina thinks about that. “A lot of men hurt my mama,” she tells him. “And lots of them say they didn’t mean to.”
David nods. “I know.”
“She cries sometimes, when she thinks I’m sleeping.”
David nods again, sadly. “I wish I could help her.”
“She’s too stubborn to let you.”
“I know. But still…I want to try to make sure nothing bad happens to her anymore.”
“What’s your name again?”
“David.”
“Well Mr. David, if you watch out for Mama when I’m at school, and I watch out for her the rest of the time, that’ll be okay, right?”
“I think so, Nina. I hope so. But it might not work.”
“Because Mama doesn’t want help,” Nina says wisely. “But she must like you a bunch, Mr. David. You better be nice.”
“How do you know?”
“She’s my mama.”
Nina ignores any questions after that. Instead, she tells David what the clouds look like now that she is as tall as him.
Janine returns after a few minutes; she freezes when she sees Nina perched on David’s back.
“Get down, Nina,” she says, reaching her arms out for her. Nina lets Janine take her down and hold her fondly. Janine kisses her and puts her down again.
“I’ll be back soon, Nina,” she promises. “Call if you need me. David, come on.”
David, confused, follows, sure he has done something wrong. Janine jogs at walking pace beside him. However, once they are out of sight behind a large arrangement of gray-brown rocks, she stops.
“David?” she asks.
“Yes?”
She scowls at him, pushes his chest; his back slaps into the rock. “Don’t you ******** touch my daughter,” she snarls. “Do you hear me?”
“Janine, I was just--”
“No, shut up. I try my ******** hardest to pay the ******** rent and send my little girl to school and protect her from the world full of scummy perverts, and I trust you just once and you’ve already got your slimy hands all over her, I’m not standing for this, you b*****d--”
“Janine, no, I was just playing with her--”
“Oh, PLAYING, is that what you want to call it? You sick, twisted--”
“Really, honestly, ask her, she just wanted me to give her a ride on my back, I mean ******** child molester! Touch her again and I will ******** kill you--!”
“I’m really sorry, Janine,” he apologizes desperately. “I didn’t know, I’m really sorry…I promise, I’ll leave her alone now….”
Janine can see that he means it. She frowns. “I owe you money, don’t I?”
David doesn’t like where this is heading. “No.”
“Yes I do…otherwise you wouldn’t be messing around with Nina….”
“Janine, you’ve got it wrong--”
She ignores him; she lunges suddenly at him, pinning him to the rock, her lips at his neck. Her hand unfastens his jeans and slips inside his underwear. He stiffens.
“Janine--”
“Fourteen dollars,” she tells him. “That’s about twenty minutes.” She presses closer; no one could really see anything now. “Is this hard enough?”
She squeezes. He gasps. “Janine, stop,” he pleads.
“Why?” She doesn’t.
“I don’t want--not now--”
“Not now? Shy, are we?” She smirks. Her smile is hollow. She doesn’t move her hand.
“Not now.” Not ever.
Janine shrugs. “Suit yourself. Later.” She withdraws. Wipes her hand on her shorts. David quickly buttons up his pants again. “Tomorrow, same time…but don’t make me owe you anymore.”
“Janine, I don’t mind,” he insists. “Really. I’m not trying to make you do anything…I just want to help….”
She swells up angrily; glares at him. “Help?”
“Yeah…and I wanted to thank you….”
“Thank me? For what?”
“Bringing me. I’m really having a lot of fun.”
Her eyes narrow. “I bet you are.”
“Nina’s really smart, just like you said,” David goes doggedly on. “Did you tell her about…about what you do in the morning?”
Janine frowns. “No…did she say?”
“Mentioned, in passing…she said that a lot of men visit you in the mornings.”
She smiles wryly. “That’s just what I told her…I don’t know if she’s figured it out, I hope not, but those kids at her stupid school…and people like on the subway….”
“Does that happen often?”
“Not very. There’s a million ******** people in this city, figures I’d meet up with anyone who recognized me just when I didn’t want them….”
“I’m sorry.”
She brushes it aside. “What does sorry ever do?”
She walks again. He follows.
“You know, Nina made me carry her around…she made me swing too….”
Janine laughs. “That sounds like her.”
“She’s just like you.”
The laughter fades from her face. “Don’t insult my daughter,” she snaps.
“I meant it as a compliment.”
“She’s not a whore and she never will be, so shut your stupid mouth--”
“That isn’t what I meant! She just acts like you--”
“Who the hell asked you to judge us?” she half-shouted.
David is flustered; he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong.
“It’s her PERSONALITY, her PERSONALITY is just like yours…she does the same things you do sometimes….”
Janine de-puffs. “Like what?” she says testily.
“Like she’ll ask random questions she’s been thinking about, she’s really perceptive…and she’ll see right through you without even trying…and she’s never afraid, and she’s stronger than she looks, and she’s quiet and smart and…and she’s beautiful too.” He blushes.
Janine says nothing for a moment. “She looks like Paul.”
David doesn’t think so; but he hates to be rude. “She does?”
“Yes. I see Paul in her all the time.”
“Did Paul have brown hair?”
“Sort of. It was blonde and red too. Mostly blonde.”
“Does she know about him?”
Janine shakes her head. She seems a bit sad. “No. At least that’s one thing she can’t find out herself until she’s a lot older…not without me telling her….”
“Will you ever?”
“Are you insane? How do I tell my baby that she was an accident? Or that her father didn’t want her? Or that I was a whore…I still am….”
She seems almost close to tears, though she doesn’t tangibly show it. David can just sense it. “Prostitute,” he corrects quietly.
Janine laughs at this. “Whatever. It’s pretty much the same….”
“Janine?” he asks her quietly. “If I paid you every day…two or three hundred maybe…if I came every day, would you stop being a prostitute? Would you let me?”
She frowns; she looks surprised. She doesn’t answer for a while.
“No,” she finally says.
“Why not?”
“One day,” she sighs, “you’ll stop coming. And I’ll have nowhere to turn.”
“You know I would never do that--”
“No I don’t.”
“Janine, please? I’m…I’m worried about you….”
“And why the hell should you be?”
“Those other men…they don’t care about you…they hurt you….”
“So could you. Very easily.”
“But I wouldn’t.”
“Men are all the same.”
“Can I say anything to convince you?”
“Probably not.”
He sighs. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Probably.”
“We don’t have to make love if you don’t want to.”
“Who cares?”
“I do….”
Janine ignores him. She gives off the same imperial air as Nina does. They are very much alike…but the world has not made Nina cold and stubborn yet.
“Janine, what happened to you?”
She glowered at him. “What do you mean?”
“To make you…this way.”
“A whore, or a bitter harpy?”
“Not…not when you say it like that…but…kind of both.”
She sighs. “Why?”
“I want to know if I can help.”
“You can’t.”
“Janine, I just--”
“You’re curious. That’s all. Don’t pretend.”
“That’s…that’s not entirely….”
“But it’s some.” She looks away. Gathers some inner reserve of strength together. “I was raped.”
David blinks. “When?”
“A very long time ago.”
“And that’s…why….”
“At that point, one more guy ******** me didn’t really matter.”
He feels awful; something sickening rises from deep in his stomach. He reaches for her hand. “I’m sorry….”
She jerks out of his grasp.
They walk in silence. Janine is thinking. David is trying not to. He doesn’t want to bring up the subject again, since it obviously causes her pain, but he wants to know….
They come back to the playground. Nina sees them and waves from high on her swing. David flinches, seeing her reach a fifteen-foot peak with only one arm hanging on.
“I wish she wouldn’t go so high….”
“It scares me to death,” Janine admits quietly. “But she has her freedom.”
David struggles to understand. Before he can, Janine speaks again.
“She really likes you, you know.”
“Nina?”
“Yeah. I thought she’d be shy like usual, but she must really trust you.” She turns to him. “If my daughter trusts you,” she says simply, “then I‘ll try to. She’s a better judge than me.”
He is slow to understand the words. Then he smiles. “Thank you, Janine.”
She smiles back. Sadly; but there is a person behind her eyes now.
Nina runs to her mother and lets herself be kissed; Janine seems tired of running and follows Nina around, playing with her the same way David was, swinging high and helping Nina with the monkey bars. For the longest time she just sits on the swing and pushes herself back and forth with her foot, staring off into space as Nina and David play in the small plastic castle, wishing herself into her own adventures, each with its own happy ending.
~~~
They spend all afternoon there. At sunset, they walk back to the subway and take it back to the station by Nina’s school. Nothing eventful happens this time. They just ride the subway in silence.
Then they are out on the street again. It is starting to grow dark; David becomes uneasy. He insists on walking them home. Janine agrees with a sigh; though she mutters under her breath what worse there can possibly be than what she’s faced. But then she tells him that he might as well go home anyway; she needs to go pick up dinner. He refuses to let them go alone; so she lets him follow.
She stops at a corner market, one of the many tiny ones lining NYC’s streets. David watches, frowning, as she picks out a small loaf of bread, cheese, and ham.
“Is that dinner?”
“What about it?” she says testily.
“I just…it’s not very….”
“Who asked you?” she snaps.
“Janine, may I take you two out to dinner?”
She freezes. “What?”
“May I? I know a good place--”
“What’s your problem?” she hisses. “What for?”
“Because I want to.”
“Bullshit,” she snarls. “Seriously, how much do you want me to OWE you? This is just…just….”
“I really don’t mind, Janine, really! You don’t have to pay me back.”
“You say that NOW, but then--later--”
“Janine, please, just take my word for this--”
“I’m not TAKING YOUR WORD for anything, won’t it be just wonderful when you show up on my doorstep demanding cash because I had the idiocy to TRUST you….”
“But you trusted me this much--”
“And it was a mistake if you were just going to push for more and more, would it be so hard to just back off?”
David blinks; his stomach suddenly feels heavy. “I’m sorry…I just want to help….”
“Who said I needed your help? Can you just leave us alone?”
He doesn’t know what to say. Nina suddenly appears with a half-gallon of milk and two apples.
“Mama,” she says quietly, “what’s wrong?”
Janine sees Nina’s wide eyes and immediately takes the food from her, sets it in her small hand basket, and picks her up. Nina throws her arms around her neck and whispers into her ear; David thinks she is saying, “Mama, don’t be mean to Mr. David….”
Janine frowns. Whispers back, in louder tones, “Baby, don’t worry about this, it’ll be fine….”
Nina whispers something else. Janine frowns and shakes her head, whispers back; but Nina insists. Janine scowls; then without a word she takes the basket and Nina and heads to the counter to pay. David trails behind as she hands over her money, breaking a hundred, and he waits for her to speak to him; but then she tucks her change carefully away and leaves, ignoring him completely.
David follows her onto the street. Nina waves back at him, then tugs on her mother’s arm. “Janine!” he calls after her. “Wait! I’m sorry!“ Nina digs in her heels; her mother is forced to stop.
“What?” she hisses.
“Janine, I’m sorry that I offended you…really. I just want to help, that’s all, I swear--”
“Go home,” she commands, her eyes narrowing. Nina tugs on her hand.
“Mama….”
“No,” Janine says firmly. “We’re fine. Leave us alone, please. And don’t expect to be near me ever again without paying for it.”
They walk away again; Nina keeps looking back, but Janine won’t let her stray.
“I’m sorry!” David shouts after her again, but she never turns around.
~~~
The next day, David takes a long, slow walk, very early in the morning. The city never sleeps, but he thinks that now, it is just a bit grumpy from staying up all night. It is half-asleep, very quiet.
His head aches. Last night he tortured himself so much that he let a music appreciator buy him a couple of strong drinks. It didn’t really help much. He still felt awful. And he feels worse this morning, oddly enough.
He sees Janine in her usual place. She is talking to a man; his insides surge with jealousy, until he sees her shake her head. The man implores her, handing her money; but to his surprise, she doesn’t take it. Disappointed, he walks away.
He approaches her. She smiles hesitantly at him, obviously recalling the events of the night before. “Hey, lover boy,” she says.
“Hi.” He hands her two hundred-dollar bills. She gazes appreciatively at them.
“Come on up,” she says, jerking her head toward her apartment.
He shakes his head. “No, thanks.” He turns to walk away.
“Hey, hold on!” She grabs his wrist and stops him. “I told you, I don’t take money for nothing!”
“It’s not for nothing, then,” he says tonelessly. He really is tired.
She scowls. “Then what’s it for?”
He shrugs. “Whatever you want it to be for.”
“I’m not taking this.” She tries to push it into his hand; he declines.
“It’s for yesterday then.”
“I still owe YOU for yesterday!”
“No you don’t.”
“NOW I do! Just tell me what you want!”
“Well,” he says wearily, “I don’t want sex…and I’m not allowed to just enjoy your company, am I? So I guess I’d better just go home and take a nap….”
Janine stares at him, still holding onto him; then suddenly she fell on him and hugged him hard. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” she says. He blinks; he has never heard her apologize for anything. “Really.”
“It’s okay,” he assures her, feeling a bit dazed. She frowns at him; looks closer.
“You don’t look so good, lover boy. What’s wrong?”
He sheepishly rubs the back of his head. “Too many drinks last night…I guess….”
She shakes her head. “You’re hopeless. Come upstairs, I’ll make you some coffee.”
He doesn’t budge. “I couldn’t impose on you like that. Why don’t we go to a Starbucks or something? My treat….”
Janine grimaces. “The only thing nearby is the place I work at--and trust me, you don’t want to go there. They’ll spit in your latte, I’ve seen them at it. Better just come upstairs.”
“Are you sure it’s okay?” It’s a useless inquiry; he is already following her inside.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I have some coffee that’s been sitting there for ages, I don’t mind if you take it, I never drink it.”
She lets him in, sits him on the couch. He makes himself comfortable as she starts the coffeepot. She adds sugar at his direction and hands it to him, finishing off the last of their milk instead of sharing a cup of coffee with him. He finds it very typical of Janine to choose milk, a childhood drink, over the ever-popular and ever-legal drug, caffeine.
“Did you enjoy yourself yesterday?” she asks him congenially.
He nods. “But I’m afraid that I offended you,” he tells her.
She shrugs. “Just a bit. But it’s okay, lover boy…it’s just that I have to be careful with guys and money, you know? Even women, actually,” she adds. “You never know who’s a closet lesbian.” She makes a face.
He nods. “I know. I just…I want to help.”
She smiles. “Well, I’ll never say that an extra two hundred dollars doesn’t help,” she assures him. She sets her empty milk carton down; her other hand slides across his knee. He swallows. “I still need to repay you for that,” she says, looking at him with narrowed, coy eyes. “And I’ll add an extra half hour for yesterday, on me…what do you say, lover boy?”
“Janine,” he moans. “I’m really not in the mood right now…I still feel kinda sick….”
She nods. Puts her hands back in her lap. “You don’t want anything?” she double-checks.
“Well…can I sit here awhile?”
She smiles at him. “Sure. No problem.”
“Are you….” He hesitates. “Are you going back to work?”
She shrugs. “No need to.” She fans herself with her two bills. “I’ve already gotten paid. You know, lover boy, you’re going to spoil me…are you sure you don’t want a b*****b or something?”
He shakes his head. “I just like talking to you, Janine.”
When normally she would have had a skeptical retort, today Janine smiles. “Thanks.” She rests her feet on the coffee table and sighs contentedly. “Feels nice to be lazy.”
He nods. He is lazy all the time, really.
“What do you do for a living?” she asks him curiously, as if thinking the same question.
David tells her all about his job at the bar. Janine smiles gently at his enthusiasm; makes no comment other than, “So that’s where you got all those drinks.”
“I’d love to take you sometime,” he blurts out, then stops. Trying too hard, he warns himself.
She shrugs. “Sounds fun.” Tries to be casual. David doesn’t quite know if he’s pushing it or not.
He asks her about music. They talk. For what feels like a very short time, but is really over an hour, they have an easy, free-flowing conversation. David has never talked to anyone like this in his entire life. Inside, he is thrilled.
He wants nothing better than to keep talking with her. But first, he has to ask a question that has been weighing on his mind since yesterday, the question whose answer was unspeakable enough to make necessary all those drinks he had, the question he needs to know the answer to--he has been torturing himself enough with his imagination.
So he asks her.
~~~
Questionnaire:
D: Janine?
J: Yeah?
D: What happened to you?
A silence. Janine looks awkwardly away, letting her hair hide her face.
J: I told you, I was raped.
D: …What happened?
J: *testily* I don’t want to talk about it.
Silence.
J: Well, maybe…it’s just that…it was a long time ago.
D: If it’s still bothering you, it’s important.
J: W-…well….
D: Is it?
J: …yes.
D: Would telling someone help?
J: *explosively* I don’t know! What are you, my therapist?
D: *reasonably* Well, if you want to…I’ll listen…and I swear I won’t say anything.
J: Why do you care?
D: It’s bothering you. I’m worried about you.
J: Do you even realize how long ago this was? You can’t do anything. It’s over.
D: Well, like I said, if you need to talk about it….
J: It isn’t bothering me! Why should it? There are thousands of people that had it worse than me, I bet, I shouldn’t be complaining….
D: Don’t worry about that. Just think about what’s best for you first. If you are feeling bad about it, then it’s important….
J: It would just be selfish to get you involved.
D: I don’t think so. I just want to be sure you’ll be okay, Janine….
J: *sighs*
A pause.
J: I was twelve.
Another pause.
J: I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.
D: Go on, please, Janine.
J: Fine….
~~~
Flashback: Janine as a twelve-year-old. She drifts around while her mother shops in the middle store of the strip mall, looking into all the windows. Her mother told her to stay in sight, but Janine caught the tired, I-say-this-every-day-but-today-I-don’t-give-a-s**t tone and disregarded it. Her father is out of town and her mother doesn’t like to leave her alone, so she comes. Her mother takes her shopping often; Janine has never had a problem before during her small sojourns.
She steps in the doorway of a shop. The inside is cool and looks very interesting, so she takes a closer look. The shop sells CD’s, old records, band t-shirts. She has never seen any place like this before. She takes a look around, drifting through the aisles that tower over her head, looking for music she recognizes.
Someone taps her on the shoulder; she turns, and suddenly there are two big hands around her throat. She tries to scream, but can’t.
The man strangling her puts his face very close to hers. “Don’t say a ******** word,” he hisses under his breath. Janine doesn’t move, fear mounting higher and higher as it builds up a scream she can’t release.
The man steps back, looks her over. Leers. Janine feels suddenly self-conscious in her sundress.
One hand releases her throat. Reaches to his waist. She looks and sees a gun.
“Listen to me,” he breaths; his breath reeks of tobacco and beer. “You do exactly what I ******** tell you or I’ll shoot you to pieces, you hear?”
Janine tries to nod, tears seeping out of her eyes.
“I’m gonna let you go. You’re gonna follow me to my car and get in the backseat. You understand me?”
She nods again; he lets her go, very slowly; she lets out a frightened sob. The man slaps her so hard across the face that she staggers.
“Shut the ******** up,” he whispers, “and do as I say.”
The gun is pointed at her. She is scared. She has no other choice.
The man walks slowly out of the store, pulling Janine roughly along by the hand. She tries to pull away, very slowly, but he twists her wrist hard and glares. The hot air hits her, knocks the breath out of her, like a solid wall; she breaks into a cold sweat. What does he want with her? What is going to happen to her?
He strolls casually to a store, peers into the window, shakes his head, and turns to the parking lot. His gait is slow and casual; hers is stiff and hurried--she has to struggle to keep up. She sees the tiny smirk of satisfaction and feels numbed with fear.
The man unlocks the door of an old red truck with no license plates and shoves her toward the back doors. She opens it, hesitates, sees the harsh, merciless gleam in his eyes, and slides in.
“Middle seat, he snaps, pulling his gun out and setting it in his cup holder, in easy reach. “Strap up.”
She shakily buckles herself in. Starts to cry.
The car speeds east. Janine sits numbly in the backseat. I’ve been kidnapped, she thinks to herself; and there was nothing anyone could do to save her.
~~~
David listens in silence, a terrible abyss clawing at the inside of his chest. He felt the coffee churning in his stomach. Numbness grips his brain. Poor Janine, is all he can think, poor Janine…she must have been so traumatized by this….
Janine stares into the empty glass still clenched in her hands, telling her story in as apathetic a voice as possible.
“The guy took this road that I knew led to the middle of nowhere--no one went on it unless they were trying to get on the highway. I knew I was ******** then, so I tried to escape…I grabbed the door handle but it wouldn’t open, it was child-locked--you know, that thing that keeps the door from opening from the inside? And he saw me…and he grabbed the gun and shot the seat right by my head. I didn’t think he’d actually shoot me…or I hoped not…he was insane, I think. Or drunk….
“He drove for…hours…I lost track of the time, or where we were. And then he stopped in this one-horse town…it must have been half a mile long. And it was all dry and dusty…it was the middle of nowhere. He had a mobile home parked in a lot across from the main street, and he parked his truck in front of it…then he shoved me inside…and he ripped off my shorts, and….”
Her voice breaks. She doesn’t go into detail.
“I don’t know…how long I was there,” she says slowly. “He locked me inside the mobile home and kept me in there…sometimes I was tied up, sometimes I wasn’t. There was a bathroom, and everything, and a little kitchen…but there wasn’t a lot of food, just some old bread and mustard and things like that. I ate it all, and then there wasn’t anything left but all the beer he had in the fridge. I was tempted to drink some, I knew it would make me forget…but I was terrified that he’d find out….I did anyway, when I couldn’t take it anymore. It made me sick the first time. But I took another one, and then it worked.
“The only problem was, though…he could smell it…and taste it…he’d…he’d drive around, or walk around or something, sometimes he’d pull the mobile home along, and then every few hours, he’d come back and…. He really hurt me. Especially, when he found out…I’d drunk his….”
She trails off. Takes a deep breath; forces herself to continue.
“That was the last time he…well, you know,” she says quietly. “He beat me up, called me worthless and pathetic and…all these things…and then I blacked out…I think he thought he’d killed me, because I woke up on the ground outside, and he was gone….
“He broke…something. I don’t know. I couldn’t walk right. But I was sick, and starving; I could barely get up. I needed to run away, before he came back…there wasn’t a trace of him, but I think he lived there…I went across the street…found a door…and I knocked, but no one answered…a couple of houses down this lady opened the door, and saw me, and let me inside. I thought she might be a rapist too, but I was past caring what happened to me. But she wasn’t, she was nice…one of the nicest people I’ve ever met….
“She let me have a bath and stuff, and gave me medicine and dinner, and then she let me call my parents. When I told her where I lived she looked really surprised; that scared me. I asked her where I was; she said I was in some town in South Carolina. I called my parents and told them where I was…and they did something I never forgave them for….”
She is silent. David feels that he should speak up. “What?” His voice is choked and quiet.
Janine sighs. “When you find out that your child was kidnapped, molested, and trapped in a hick town two states away for over a week, what would your reaction be?”
David shrinks away from the question. “You want them back with you…you’re glad they’re alive…you make sure they’re okay….”
“As for me, personally,” Janine says dryly, “if it was my Nina, I would hunt down the scum that did it to her and rip his balls off and shove them down his throat. I’d set the police on him. I’d do everything I could to make sure that my girl was never hurt again. And then I’d take her home and let her know that everything was all right now. Don’t you think?”
“Y-…yeah,” David agrees, feeling a bit sick.
“But you know what my b***h of a mother did? She yelled at me. Basically told me that it was my own fault for running off. And that they were sending the police over to come get me, and I was coming home, and I was in trouble. In TROUBLE! Some guy just RAPED me, and she acted like it was my fault…like I deserved it….”
She hides her face in her hands; David thinks she might cry, but then she speaks, sounding angrier than ever.
“And my dad was even worse. I drove back with officers that kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer, that treated me like I was stupid, just like my mother; they switched me off to a different guy every time we crossed the state line, but they were all the same…and I get back, and my dad talks to the officer and smoothes it all over, says I’m all right now and he wants it all to just go away. The police tried to find the guy, at least they wanted to help, but they couldn’t, and it was all my dad’s fault…he didn’t want it brought to attention…it would scar his reputation, I bet….
“They yelled at me for running away, told me to go take a bath and get to bed and stop crying, they were going to handle everything and I better not tell anyone what happened. They said I was lucky to be alive and I’d better pray really hard that night and thank God. Thank GOD…?” Janine swallows and shakes her head. “They treated me like I’d just got caught with drugs…like I’d done something horrible…and I felt like I had, after that….”
She buries her face in her hands and lets out a small sob, against her will. “I wish he’d shot me. I really wish he had.”
David, alarmed, moves to her side and hugs her. She leans against him, staring at the ground, fighting tears. “It’s okay,” he tells her quietly. “It’s okay, Janine. It’s all over now. And I’m glad you’re alive. I never would have met you if he’d killed you. And you’d never have had Nina…and you’d never have seen New York….”
Janine sobs again; a few tears escape. Then the pushes them back. When she speaks again, she is furious, so enraged that he is scared of her.
“That’s not even the worst thing they did to me,” she hissed. “Those bastards…those sick sons of bitches….”
“What else did they do?” David asks her quietly, his arms like restraints, pinning her back.
“I was PREGNANT,” she says, and lets out an angry sob. “I was PREGNANT…but they made me…they…they killed my baby, they killed him….”
She suddenly hugs David again, burying her face in his neck. He doesn’t know what to say.
“Oh, David,” she moans, torn apart by grief and hatred, “I know I could never take care of him…and I know he was that b*****d’s kid…I’d have been an awful mother, and my parents would have had to take care of him, and he’d be rotten to the core…but…but I wanted him. I didn’t want him to die…but they made me get an abortion…it was horrible…they thought it was okay, since they were Catholic, and I’d been raped--it was okay for THEM--but I…I felt like I’d killed someone…I had…I was no better than him, to let them….”
“It wasn’t your fault,” David insists.
“I dunno…maybe….” She sniffs. “But I just…why were they so horrible, David? Why?”
“I don’t think they realized what they were doing,” he says quietly. “But that’s no excuse. It’s okay, it’ll be all right now, Janine….”
“That’s why Paul left me,” she says miserably. “Because I couldn’t do it again…not again….”
“You did the right thing…look, you have Nina now…you have Nina, you said yourself, she’s worth it all, isn’t she?”
Janine nods; she is quiet for awhile. David hugs her tightly and tries to comfort her without words; words can’t do his feelings justice.
They sit there for a long time.
Then Janine suddenly speaks--and when she does, her voice is loud and angry.
“I am going to find that guy,” she hisses, “and make him pay. He owes me…thirteen hundred and fifty dollars…and when I get it from him, I’m going to shove it down his THROAT!”
David doesn’t know what to say. Nor does Janine. They sit in silence, both overwhelmed by the emotional storm.
Finally, Janine breaks away and sits up, turning her eyes away from him, playing with her hair.
“I’m hungry,” she finally says. “Want to go get lunch?”
~~~
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Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:48 pm
Now dammit, leave a better comment! stare
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 9:36 pm
Janine is very, very temperamental. With justification, but still. Not that I don't love her and all but she is. It makes me sad for David, the poor b*****d. (And her too of course).
My favorite character currently is Nina haha.
There's your helpful comment for the day.
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Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 12:28 pm
I liked all of this and it all comes with understanding, Janine is in pain all the time. This is merely an understatement, because theres two things that are causing her pain - Nina, and prostitution.
I'll start with the reasoning about Nina being that she cannot let old memories go. Paul let her go but she didn't let him go from her memories. (Or so we think he let her go - regardless we do not know what he is thinking in this point in the story and is best left alone)
Now with the memories of Paul abandoning her she now feels justified in saying that all men will abandon her, which is definitely not true at all. Now as for prostitution, the idea of it pains her everyday and since she started at a young age - this is all she knows how to do and how to earn a living.
She feels she needs to please and not question why. The rape has left an impact and because she does prostitution along with this rape - on her mind - she believes that there is justification in this rape.
The term rape still holds its meaning and like doubles the effect that it had on her, being that she was raped and she can't do anything about it and it'll probably happen again. Thus she creates her own miserable atmosphere with no intention of doing so.
Personally I find this very sad and painful, but in knowing that David is her light and he has a side with Nina now there is more hope than ever before. Like she mentioned - "Shes a better judge than me." alot of her pride comes from Nina.
Nina is the string that is holding the prospect of Janine's true honor in being a woman. I only say this because, when a woman normally is a prostitute she loses all self respect in being a woman and she becomes something more than what she wants to be deep inside. . .
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