is it bad that reading one sentence made me start bawling? it wasn't even a sad sentence... im just in this weird, fragile state of mind right now and i guess it's okay to cry? it helps a lot...
☆★☆
Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:08 pm
Uggggh, why do people have to act like such ******** elitist assholes and bring their misandry into things. Yes, Mary Shelley was the mother of Modern Science fiction, no that doesn't mean you can say that "There's no such thing as fake geek girls, just fake geek boys." because of the fact that is such sexist elitism that I want to puke.
my best friend of about 4 years and i no longer speak and arent on very good terms and its hitting me very very hard. i believe i was dependent on them and their approval to find self worth and now im having to learn to find it without the guidance of others and i just feel very worthless and depressed and tired. i really miss them but ill probably never speak to them again at least not in any near future
Posted: Sun Jan 24, 2016 5:41 pm
posting on here because a friend discovered my private blog and i can't really think of where to go to post about where it feels like you're yelling at nothing but still feel SOME satisfaction. i think it's been like four years??? i can't ******** believe it really that i'm looking at this damn site and posting here after that long, that it was the place i thought of next
i don't need reassurance or feedback here. i just want a place to post where people can see but they don't have to know it's me and try to guilt me or judge or something. i don't want to be a d**k about it but it's not about them and it's honestly not something i want or need help with. it's not too little too late but it's a similar feeling. it feels like going to my own funeral early and hearing bullshit from people i don't really know that i know and i'm sorry but you didn't give a s**t before and i don't know that i want your s**t anyway.
i'm tired and just need a place to rant.
it's kind of funny how you think you're probably at your worst point and then you find out there's a worse point i'm tired. really tired. i thought it was bad when i did some dumb s**t and was an a*****e and was self aware of this but as i've gotten older i've realized i'm even more of an a*****e than i've thought
i was never fully suicidal, i could understand why other people did it because i haven't actively wanted to exist (and i mean that phrase specifically) since i was in single digits due to feeling stress or nothing constantly and not knowing why. i didn't really acknowledge until maybe last year that that was depression because i thought it was stupid for someone as privileged as myself to be depressed over nothing, that that was just how i am, but i guess there's just something in my brain that do this and
i've come to terms with the fact that i'll never be happy for more than maybe 3-5 days a year. i literally tried to think of happy events per year, and i could only think of that average. i'm probably putting it a little high.
it sounds stupid put that way, but i've been focusing on myself since i left here and realized after trying to organize a lot of things. i've realized that i probably will never be mentally healthy enough to have a stable relationship, i'm not sure i'd ever want a relationship after the fake one i experienced where i realized i'm not sure if the liar was fake or i was for trying to force myself into a relationship to try and fix myself. i've realized i'm probably nonbinary trans and it's not just my body, i don't think i'd ever be happy with my body because i'm disgusted with my mind and that effects how i see myself even more than what i was born with and what i'm doing with it. i've realized i'm never going to stop having nonintrusive thoughts of what a s**t person i am and how much of a burden i am to people around me and all those people are going to probably die before i am and i'll die after not knowing how to take care of myself despite being a fully grown 'adult'. i have a lot of small mental problems that are causing my depression and the answer i'm getting for them is and always will be "everyone has to deal with that" and i'm tired of it. i get it, and i'm not willing to deal.
and mostly i've kept track of how i feel. i've realized that during a normal day, when i feel what i used to categorize as 'happy'? it's generally distractions. the moment that distraction is over i'm not feeling okay. if i'm lucky i feel not bad, because my natural states are | not bad | not okay | s**t | don't want to exist | i want to die | and i tend to hover around not okay and s**t, and am around don't want to exist at least a quarter of my time. and honestly it's been at i want to die lately, which it hasn't before, but i'm so tired. i haven't ever felt serious about wanting to die but i've honestly been researching it because at this point there isn't help and i don't really want it. i've had medication and treatment enough to not want to bother and be less scared of death than i am of wasting my time and energy on existing. if i could live, that's great, but that's not what i'm doing, and i just don't want to try anymore. it's not worth it. it's something i really thought years ago but was willing to wait for and i actively HATE that i'm waiting for now.
literally the only things stopping me are my irrational fear of pain, my own anxiety trying to find feasible ways and finding a lot of them to be 'lol you need to be a functioning adult to get here and do this'; and that there's been a lot of pushback on feasible less painful ways. it seems people want to cause others who are determined to do this one way or another more pain instead of helping them and it pisses me off.
i was looking into exit bags and i'm ******** pissed that they've started changing helium content so that inhaling it will hurt you and in some cases cause even more severe brain damage than it would have before they changed the percentage. if you weren't ******** before you tried using that method, if you survive that you're more ********. awesome. it was my top method for the next time i know i can't handle everything and i'm pissed because now the next time i gather courage i'm probably going to do something stupid that's going to scar someone and somehow feel bad after i'm dead.
i don't know. i'm just tired and needed to rage about that last bit after spending weeks researching over the years, actually trying to do my best to live, and then coming back and researching for hours and finding THIS s**t. i should've done it when i had a fit ages ago, when i had breakdowns monthly instead of weekly. i'm going to wuss out until i have one strong enough again and i wasn't SUPPOSED ot have one bad ennough again
i don't know i'll probably delete this later anyway it sounds like whiny s**t because it is and i just needed the relief of having it out
when a guy who got pissy because you didnt reciprocate his feelings a year and a half ago and havent even talked to or seen in a year sends you hate mail on tumblr.. what an a*****e this is what i get for trying to make friends
Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 7:45 pm
I've lost myself.I don't really know who I am anymore or where to go from here. It's been a bad year. Actually, a bit more than that.
Oh, I don't know where to start. Please forgive me if this becomes jumbled. I've just never really spoken or written about much of it before.
I've never been very social. K-12, I had a small group of friends who were close. College, we all started breaking up, going our own ways. In college, my friends were mostly folks in the same program I was in, while there was some socializing, it was more of a work bond. Incidentally, some time early college (which for me took a while) was when I met you all and joined the zcb. Really, there was a period where it was you and my closest friend from school who I connected with. Even now, it's still that way a bit. After all, you're the ones I'm coming to now. But I digress. Anyhow, the other folks I would be with were my sister and her friends. Yup, I was the pathetic one who would have to ask if I could be with them. That's no longer an option, for reasons I will get to soon. Skip forward to now. I've been growing even more asocial over the past several months. Even my closest friend, the one I mentioned before, I wouldn't want to talk to for weeks at a time. Not because of anything she did, but because I couldn't summon the energy. And now, she's moving. I understand her reasons and am supporting her the best I can. But, I'm afraid. She was the one who would try to keep the old group together, who could pull me out from the shadows. But now? There's no one. I mean, yes, there's still the phone and the Net, but it's not the same. At this point, or rather, in a few weeks when she leaves, the only real socializing I do is at work with my co-workers. And that's just that -- a work bond. At the end of the day, we all go our separate ways. Now, Mom's trying to push me out there to find some friends -- well, and a boyfriend, but hey, she's a mom -- but I don't know how anymore. I'm not sure I ever did. It was always through school or work, never some random happenstance.
As for my sister's friends, they were just that. I basically would just tag along if she said it was ok. Sure, they were kind about it, but that's about it. As for why I don't see them now? Well, that starts summer 2015. She got engaged to one of said friends. I tried to be happy for her, but it also hurt. The younger daughter had several boyfriends and the got engaged, while the elder never even had a single freaking date. Guess which one I am. She had already been starting to pull away from us then, for reasons we didn't know. We shared a bedroom, but after one big fight, she moved into a different room. I'm aware she said some ugly things about me to her friends and fiance, but as to what and how much was true and how much was false, I don't know. Since I'm the wallflower, the drag-along, I didn't really feel I could say anything. After all, they'd just take her side anyhow. (I should mention, when I say she or he referring to sister and SO, it's all in italics. I just can't be bothered to put in the tags every single time.) So there went that. There was one nice family vacation away from them, away from him. Then she started to become her old self again, the person I knew. As soon as that was over, she transformed back into this other person. That was end of August last year. Month of two later, she moved out with no warning whatsoever. And communication pretty much ceased, aside from small texts from and to Dad. We did arrange a dinner to talk once. Apparently, she got it in her head that we didn't love her, her terrible people, etc. Thing is, she didn't really speak that much. It was all him talking, with her just whispering to him. She would barely even look at us. I just can't understand where that hatred came from, she who once was extremely close. What made that day even worse is when the announced we were not invited to the wedding. That was the final blow. It was also the last time I talked to her. At the time, there was anger and grief. Now? Now I just try to avoid the whole topic. This is the first time I've openly spoken about it. I mean, yes, I've spoken about it a little to a few of my colleagues, since by now, they've known me long enough to know when something is bothering me. They say she was brainwashed. But to willing write about it, this is a first. And hopefully it's a step towards healing. As for my feelings on that topic now? Mostly sadness, of longing for days that once were, and yes, a little bitterness. I'm aware that even if she does eventually come back, it'll never be the same as once was.
Pandora played the Doctor Who theme while I was writing that, and even that couldn't cheer me up. But writing it does feel like it's helped a little. Maybe there's something to the journaling thing, after all. I've just never been comfortable with the whole concept, so I never gave it much of a shot. So why is this different? Because there's the potential for others to see it, instead of just being stuck in a book in my room? Dunno. Tangent...
The other thing that's been bothering me lately is work. The whole thing in general, not just some people. I'm still in retail. A couple months ago, I accepted a position of a department manager. Yay, right? Yeah... The thing is, before that, I had been considering quitting. Looking back, I'm not really sure why I accepted the position, why I thought things would get better. As a department, we had felt overwhelmed before. But now? Not only is it getting worse, what with the big holidays coming, but more of the weight is on my shoulders. Technically, I'm the manager of three departments, but for practicality's sake, we just lump it into one. Unfortunately, in terms of manpower, it's also the smallest. When it comes to full-timers, it's only one other person aside from myself. For part-times, we share with the other departments. There's only one who is exclusively for my department, but it feels like more of a hindrance most days. She's there twice a week, and she tries, I know she does, but when either of us works with her, it feels more like we're babysitting. Last Saturday, I gave her a project to try to keep her busy and came back to check on it later. Well, while she tried and kinda got the idea, it was flawed, despite having an example that she was working with. I ended up fixing it before finishing it when she wasn't there. She that's part of the stress. Plus, the whole manpower thing doesn't help in that my department is the only one which has to report to not one, but two companies. Some days, it feels like I could work all week and not leave and still not get everything done. I've considered quitting again, but how does that look? Saying I can't do a job I've been trying to make the best of, leaving them in the lurch during the busy season? I'm divided on what to do. I guess there I might be too conscientious, putting the good of the company over what's good for me. I can say, this is never the path I intended to take. I had wanted to get my degree and then become a CPA. Well. I have my degree, but only actually use a sliver of it. As for the CPA, I'm divided on whether I should even bother at this point.
So, yeah. I had an ending to this at one point, but by the time I've actually reached here, it disappeared. I did take a break while writing to make dinner and realized something: Somewhere, I developed the mindset that it's good enough to simply survive, rather that thrive. I should probably change that, but where to begin?
Oh, yeah. That's why you see this avatar rather than my normal ones. It's the real me, or at least as close as I can get. I'm tired of always having to pretend, of having to be strong. So you get to see the insecure version of me.
It's been about 10 months and even though I haven't been having as many panic attacks (I have seen a sleep doctor and neurologist and I'm told that what I described is qualified as that, at least I know I'm not just a whiny little s**t), I'm not feeling much better. I'm not worse, at least, and the worst month was in August, when I was not only having horrible TMI health issues but also had 4 panic attacks in 2 weeks thanks to the same person, but I don't know if I'd qualify what I am as better. More certain how things are than lost about everything, and more easily able to distract myself? And it's pathetic because I've been in a better living situation and trying to be good and work hard and I haven't been feeling any better no matter how much effort I put into things. I can definitively say most people who are aware of how I am (all 2 of them out of less than 5 people I talk to at least once a month haha) would say I'm doing better, but then, why doesn't anything feel better? I even have been trying to put an effort into looking better and making the place I life look better and generally taking care of things when I can and it's satisfying, sure, but it's not. Anything worthwhile.
I'm just. Still tired. And I've managed to talk even less than before at a time, so that when I do talk it's a ******** mess, especially because I've been having less sleep this semester too. Taking 9AM classes three times a week while being a nocturnal person for years, which means I get anxious and have literally, not once, had more than 2 hours of sleep before any of those. I've gone to school without sleep, meaning I've had 24+ hour days spent awake, at least... 24 times in 3 months. At least. I'm probably shaving years off my life and I'm not sure I care. I'm not trying with anything anymore it feels like. I'll have last minute anxiety that pushes me to care a couple days before something's due, but I just don't care.
I just. I don't know why I even come back here because it depresses me when I can't remember the good or bad stuff--I'm surprised I was able to guess my password. Even after the s**t that happened here I miss being able to have energy to talk to people, online if not offline. I just barely remember people who were here and that depresses me, especially since I know at least one person I could have met accidentally back then (I was gonna say and they haven't posted here in years but I just saw they did recently. Well at least they're alive, though I was less worried about them since they always seemed ridiculously self-sufficient.) and never knew it and another is actually attending my school right now but I don't really have the courage to talk to them since I feel like I only have memories of memories of who they were and I'm sure they've changed even more than I have, since the only thing that changed about me is that I'm less confused and more depressed. And then I worry about people I've met here anyway. I don't know what happened to people because I cut myself off from offline stuff years ago when I went on a depression pill and kept being an a*****e to everyone from the medication ******** with my head for months after, so now I don't even have resolution. I don't know how to feel when I'm worried about people I know used to have problems on here--and even then, I don't know if I imagined my closeness or if we were friends, sometimes. But that doesn't matter when I'm worried anyway, wondering if someone's gotten better from an illness or depression, or if some people are still in a relationship, or at least just friends, or escaped their shitty home life or are still stuck in an abusive situation, etc. It's weird looking back at a place I joined when I was in high school and it's been 7 ******** years, I knew people for at least half of that time and even if it's been more time without them than with them I still care and I don't know if it's artificial inflation in my memories or what. I spent an hour looking through threads and even if I was cringey then I still miss it in a weird way and I still wish there was at least a way to look people up and know, hey they're alive and doing okay. But I ******** up back then and I can't really fix it.
I don't know. I'm tired. And depressed that looking at the last post I haven't improved at all. I just had more concentrated times for panic attacks and have wasted other people's money and effort by living. I thought having some confidence about who I am I would be a little happier but mostly I'm just aware of how little has changed and how much I regret not killing myself ages ago when I could've had an easier time of it and not had to deal with everything and digging a deeper hole into knowing how disgusting I am but useless and unable to do anything about it.
Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:08 pm
About two years ago, my life fell apart, just at a moment I wanted to celebrate and enjoy the wonders that life can bring. I understand that maybe I was in an emotionally abusive household, namely because of one person. And I've been told I suffered physical abuse, but I don't agree with that. Yes, I was scared at times, but it would go away. For the most part, it was okay.
Then I got engaged. While I was on a trip with his family, but I had warned my family that it would happen. Things spiraled down from there. I called that night to tell them: got no answer. Called the next morning: got no answer. When I finally got home to show my mother the ring, she refused to acknowledge my presence. (she has done this in the past, but this hurt so so much more). Things kept spiraling down, until I had gone dress looking with my best friend and my aunt. I didn't go with my mother because I knew she would try and make me look at dresses she liked, and her style was not mine. I never intended to find a dress, instead planning to just try on styles and start to get an idea what was going on. Unfortunately, people went to facebook when I explicitly told them not to about where we were, and she found out. And then I got a call, while I was at work, telling me to move out. I was no longer wanted at home. Of course, this was said to me by that same person who had ignored my attempt to reach out before. Yeah, maybe I should have waited on the dress looking, but I was more scared that I would have no say if she came.
So I left. I went through just about the worst thing I could have imagined possible. I was homeless. I drifted from friend to friend, finally finding a home in a basement that was willingly opened to me, but where I felt I was completely in the way. I was an intruder, with no way to leave because I had no where to go. And I had to plan a wedding, still. I left behind my family, my father whom I cared for deeply, and my sister who I confided everything in.
Due to fear over what was happening with my mother, I had to tell them they could not come to my wedding. I could barely even look at them or speak without crumbling into tears and regret whenever I saw them. How was I supposed to go through a wedding like that? I warned my fiance that I expected none of the extended family from that side to come to the wedding. When I reached out to my aunts for contact info to try and invite them, I was told they had been asked to not help my fiance or I in any way. I had to reach out to my cousins, whom I had never been close to, before I was able to get a list of addresses. I was very surprised when I received responses to the shower. Of course, most had come to see if I was marrying some horrible person who had kidnapped me from my family. However, I barely reach out to them now, because I don't want to put anyone in the position of having to pick sides. I feel horrible that my one cousin who brought a date to the wedding had so so much fun with my husband and I that he chose (without telling anyone) to invite my husband and I and not my dad, sister, or mother. That's not how this is supposed to be.
As of now, It has been so long that if I were to reach out, I don't think I would get any response. I still have horrible memory-dreams of having to leave and the hurtful encounters after, that my husband has to hold me overnight as I toss and turn. Seeing a shiba-inu makes me burst into tears, and I have seen none of the new season of Doctor Who, because it hurts too much. I want to reach out to my sister, to try and mend things, but I don't know how, or if she'd even want to. All I know is I miss her.
hey everyone as of this may it will have been a year since the last time i attempted suicide so please excuse me while i talk about how things have been since then
a year ago i was in one of the darkest places i had ever been in my entire life. i had lost a friend of 6 years and a friend of 4 years over something i felt was unreasonable
since then ive come into contact again with both friends and am now dating one
i was kicked out of the house after i attempted suicide because my mother felt that me being depressed and suicidal was my way of "manipulating her". i couch hopped for 6 months and started doing drugs to cope with the overwhelming inadequacy i felt.
i am nonbinary and polyamorous and in probably the healthiest relationships ive ever been in with 2 people whom i love .
its been a very long road to get back on track. i will be attending college next semester and i recently got my driver's license which i put off for years despite turning 20 in a month.
in highschool i was in a very abusive relationship over the course of 2 years and it wrecked my life for many years.
i am back at home now and have been since late november. i dont know how this year will play out, but im hoping to move out as soon as i have a stable source of income. i am unmedicated and no longer do drugs of any sort.
i do believe things can get better. i believed i would die before the age of 18 and yet here i am. i will make something of myself regardless of my past or circumstances.
thank you all
Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2017 9:23 pm
There are moments I look at what I did in the past and cringe.
I'm still stuck in a dead end retail job trying to make ends meet while also try not to think about how much easier it would be to just go jump off a bridge or something.
My job gives me no intellectual challenge so I'm bored to tears, but I can't afford to drop it and go back to university. I've not got experience for anything else so I can't even just change to being a receptionist or something. When I tried to go into something I'd love after I graduated my health got the better of me and I ended up mentally ******** got no motivation and my self esteem is in the gutter (regardless of what other people see). I'm engaged and sometimes I question whether I should be. I often find myself questioning whether I actually care enough, whether he cares enough, whether all this is just because I'm terrified of being alone.
My only social event is my d and d game which has finished so I just spend all my time when I'm not at work sleeping or playing video games.
But on the bright side at least I don't live with my parents anymore... sigh
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