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| Got secrets? |
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 Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 8:29 pm
I wish I can get off this laptop... not because of you guys, because of me.. I want to get out and experience the real world again, after losing trust w/ others (Ousto knows my past and Ashno knows some of it). I first need to find the few steps so I can start out, which is the hardest part to go for.
I just hate myself for being selfish, wanting things and wondering. Like, sometimes I wish to see you guys, and you seem to be great people to talk to... but I don't talk, my fingers do the work when I speak my mind out, so it might be a bit awkward for me. I sometimes want attention, the feeling of being needed, wanted, used, to have a purpose in life. It makes me feel like a grabbing needy whore.
I don't tell anyone how I feel IRL because I don't want them to worry because they would waste their time over me when they can use it for themselves.
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Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:40 pm
SoulSkourer oh, and I'm a terrible lover, even though i try hard to be a good person (no, not cheating, but being clingy)
You know, some people actually like that... <.<
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Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:09 pm
I'm scared of people to the point at which it's getting ridiculous.
I have to go re-enroll at college in the next few days, and just thinking about it made me panic so much that I almost had an asthma attack. I couldn't even call them yesterday to ask a question because I kept freaking out and putting the phone down while it was still ringing.
It's never been this bad before, but I think it's something to do with last year, after being shouted at by a teacher for poor attendance despite the fact that I had a legitimate reason (stress induced illness, according to my doctor) and I pretty much had a panic attack which made everything worse, to the point at which I had to drop out completely for the rest of the year.
I've always been the sort of person who likes to listen rather than speak, stick with a small group of friends, and let someone else have the spotlight, but being sick all the time for months, which stopped me from seeing my friends, has meant that I've been pretty much isolated excluding a few trips out when I haven't had to really interact with many people and visits from a group of less than 5 people has left me scared of talking with people. To be honest, I have no idea what to do.
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Posted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 11:02 pm
One of the security guys at work just asked me to go to lunch with him on my free day this week, right as we were about to get off work, and said he'd call me later. wtf. This guy knows that I'm seeing someone, and he blatantly doesn't care and asks me out anyway. I don't want to start s**t over it, because he is the security guard I can actually stand working with - the other one annoys me to death. And, of course, this guy says it right as management is walking up, so I didn't really have a chance to talk to him about it and tell him I don't want to see him before he walked out the door. Now I'll have to deal with a phone call from him later in the week. T.T
Too bad I know through someone else who works both where we work and at his other job, that while at his other job, he talks about me, criticizes me and the guy I'm seeing, and says things like, 'I can get her, I'm so much better than the guy she's seeing,' etc. He also talks to me at least once per week about how much he makes at his other job and how he's over so many people, blah blah blah. As if he could possibly impress me! I am so sick of his arrogant, self-centered attitude. He thinks he's so ******** smart, but he is honestly one of the most ignorant and bigoted people I have ever met. I'd really love to tell him exactly what I think of him, but I don't want it to be awkward when we work together, especially since he and I are the only people who work in the building for six hours of my shift. I am also debating whether or not I should even pick up the phone when he calls me and tell him what I think, or if I should just ignore it and dodge the subject when I work with him after that. D:
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:01 am
I'm wearing a baggy shirt and Happy Bunny pjs pants. My fake teeth aren't in so there's a gap. Most of my hair has fallen from it's ponytail. I'm wearing my icky glasses. I didn't sleep so I look like the living dead. Basically, I look like s**t.
I had to answer the door. It was the paperboy. I know the paperboy. I do not like the paperboy. If I'm gonna see people I don't like, can I at least shower first?!
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:23 am
I've started to seriously consider starving myself so badly or cutting myself so deep I have to be hospitalized. I just want to get away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this city anymore. I feel like I'm lying to all my friends about everything, because they don't know about this. I feel like I'm living a lie when I pretend to be happy. And if I told them everything, I feel they'd leave me in a heartbeat. And that's one of my worst fears. I hate talking to people I don't know that well, I hate having to make new friends. I have a nice group of friends that I'm happy with, and I don't want to intrude anywhere else, in my need to fit in.
I'm also just tired of my dad. He is such an a** to me every day when he comes home. And after a stressful day at school, I don't like coming home and being yelled at. And I don't even feel safe in my room anymore, because my dad feels like he can just barge in at any moment. I don't even feel like this is my home anymore. I want to get out of here so badly, and every time I cry, all I can think of is running away, getting hospitalized, and drugs.
I try to escape every second of my life. I'm on the computer for hours at a time, and when I'm not here, I'm hiding somewhere, listening to my iPod or reading. But it just isn't enough anymore.
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:34 am
The Ravenclaw Beauty I've started to seriously consider starving myself so badly or cutting myself so deep I have to be hospitalized. I just want to get away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this city anymore. I feel like I'm lying to all my friends about everything, because they don't know about this. I feel like I'm living a lie when I pretend to be happy. And if I told them everything, I feel they'd leave me in a heartbeat. And that's one of my worst fears. I hate talking to people I don't know that well, I hate having to make new friends. I have a nice group of friends that I'm happy with, and I don't want to intrude anywhere else, in my need to fit in.
I'm also just tired of my dad. He is such an a** to me every day when he comes home. And after a stressful day at school, I don't like coming home and being yelled at. And I don't even feel safe in my room anymore, because my dad feels like he can just barge in at any moment. I don't even feel like this is my home anymore. I want to get out of here so badly, and every time I cry, all I can think of is running away, getting hospitalized, and drugs.
I try to escape every second of my life. I'm on the computer for hours at a time, and when I'm not here, I'm hiding somewhere, listening to my iPod or reading. But it just isn't enough anymore. Have you considered telling the school you don't feel safe at home?
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:38 am
Shiori Miko The Ravenclaw Beauty I've started to seriously consider starving myself so badly or cutting myself so deep I have to be hospitalized. I just want to get away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this city anymore. I feel like I'm lying to all my friends about everything, because they don't know about this. I feel like I'm living a lie when I pretend to be happy. And if I told them everything, I feel they'd leave me in a heartbeat. And that's one of my worst fears. I hate talking to people I don't know that well, I hate having to make new friends. I have a nice group of friends that I'm happy with, and I don't want to intrude anywhere else, in my need to fit in.
I'm also just tired of my dad. He is such an a** to me every day when he comes home. And after a stressful day at school, I don't like coming home and being yelled at. And I don't even feel safe in my room anymore, because my dad feels like he can just barge in at any moment. I don't even feel like this is my home anymore. I want to get out of here so badly, and every time I cry, all I can think of is running away, getting hospitalized, and drugs.
I try to escape every second of my life. I'm on the computer for hours at a time, and when I'm not here, I'm hiding somewhere, listening to my iPod or reading. But it just isn't enough anymore. Have you considered telling the school you don't feel safe at home? No. I HATE telling people how I feel. Strange, but I'm able to type everything without a problem. But as far as I'm concerned, that'll land me in therapy, and I'd still have to go back to the house after that. Or I'd be put in foster care, and I don't want to trouble nice people with my cynical ways.
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:46 am
The Ravenclaw Beauty Shiori Miko The Ravenclaw Beauty I've started to seriously consider starving myself so badly or cutting myself so deep I have to be hospitalized. I just want to get away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this city anymore. I feel like I'm lying to all my friends about everything, because they don't know about this. I feel like I'm living a lie when I pretend to be happy. And if I told them everything, I feel they'd leave me in a heartbeat. And that's one of my worst fears. I hate talking to people I don't know that well, I hate having to make new friends. I have a nice group of friends that I'm happy with, and I don't want to intrude anywhere else, in my need to fit in.
I'm also just tired of my dad. He is such an a** to me every day when he comes home. And after a stressful day at school, I don't like coming home and being yelled at. And I don't even feel safe in my room anymore, because my dad feels like he can just barge in at any moment. I don't even feel like this is my home anymore. I want to get out of here so badly, and every time I cry, all I can think of is running away, getting hospitalized, and drugs.
I try to escape every second of my life. I'm on the computer for hours at a time, and when I'm not here, I'm hiding somewhere, listening to my iPod or reading. But it just isn't enough anymore. Have you considered telling the school you don't feel safe at home? No. I HATE telling people how I feel. Strange, but I'm able to type everything without a problem. But as far as I'm concerned, that'll land me in therapy, and I'd still have to go back to the house after that. Or I'd be put in foster care, and I don't want to trouble nice people with my cynical ways. A lot of people hate talking about how they feel, but you need to realize that sometimes it is necessary. Therapy isn't too horrible, if you get a good therapist. And if you don't feel safe at home I doubt they'll keep you there. My ex actually didn't feel safe in his old home. Instead of foster care he ended up being adopted by our english teacher. Odd how things work.
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:57 am
Shiori Miko The Ravenclaw Beauty Shiori Miko The Ravenclaw Beauty I've started to seriously consider starving myself so badly or cutting myself so deep I have to be hospitalized. I just want to get away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this city anymore. I feel like I'm lying to all my friends about everything, because they don't know about this. I feel like I'm living a lie when I pretend to be happy. And if I told them everything, I feel they'd leave me in a heartbeat. And that's one of my worst fears. I hate talking to people I don't know that well, I hate having to make new friends. I have a nice group of friends that I'm happy with, and I don't want to intrude anywhere else, in my need to fit in.
I'm also just tired of my dad. He is such an a** to me every day when he comes home. And after a stressful day at school, I don't like coming home and being yelled at. And I don't even feel safe in my room anymore, because my dad feels like he can just barge in at any moment. I don't even feel like this is my home anymore. I want to get out of here so badly, and every time I cry, all I can think of is running away, getting hospitalized, and drugs.
I try to escape every second of my life. I'm on the computer for hours at a time, and when I'm not here, I'm hiding somewhere, listening to my iPod or reading. But it just isn't enough anymore. Have you considered telling the school you don't feel safe at home? No. I HATE telling people how I feel. Strange, but I'm able to type everything without a problem. But as far as I'm concerned, that'll land me in therapy, and I'd still have to go back to the house after that. Or I'd be put in foster care, and I don't want to trouble nice people with my cynical ways. A lot of people hate talking about how they feel, but you need to realize that sometimes it is necessary. Therapy isn't too horrible, if you get a good therapist. And if you don't feel safe at home I doubt they'll keep you there. My ex actually didn't feel safe in his old home. Instead of foster care he ended up being adopted by our english teacher. Odd how things work. Raven, if no one knows of the problem, no one can help you At a point, if you use it too much, it might get annoying, many times it will only bring good You can't fix a problem by looking away, and at some point, the problem would overwhelm you You have to face the problem and then solve it Also, if they truly are your friends, you can tell them anything, (except for maybe you wanta hurt them or get with their BF/GF but that's not related) and they still will be your friend. Friendships are backbones for people and friends are those that help in the darkest of times Be strong Raven, because we all love you
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Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 3:33 am
I'm almost positive my scleroderma is active again. Chemo here I come...again.
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Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:46 pm
My skin disease...isn't a skin disease. What it does to my skin is only a symptom. It's a autoimmune disease, my body attacks itself. Mine mainly attacks my skin, which is why I call it a skin disease. It also attacks my joints, restricting movement. It spend to my right arm in the past few years, just changing the skin color and losing fat.
I've been dropping stuff a lot recently. The discoloration was back. My right wrist won't bend as much as my left. I can't text properly. I can't hold my phone five minutes without dropping it. I can feel the arthritis in my right fingers for the first time.
My Scleroderma is active and it's taking the movement of my right hand. My dominant hand. And for the first time...I'm scared.
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Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 7:57 pm
Shiori Miko My skin disease...isn't a skin disease. What it does to my skin is only a symptom. It's a autoimmune disease, my body attacks itself. Mine mainly attacks my skin, which is why I call it a skin disease. It also attacks my joints, restricting movement. It spend to my right arm in the past few years, just changing the skin color and losing fat. I've been dropping stuff a lot recently. The discoloration was back. My right wrist won't bend as much as my left. I can't text properly. I can't hold my phone five minutes without dropping it. I can feel the arthritis in my right fingers for the first time. My Scleroderma is active and it's taking the movement of my right hand. My dominant hand. And for the first time...I'm scared. DD: Oh man that sucks.
I'll be thinking about you and hope that things calm down for you n.n
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Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 8:09 pm
I apparently have something wrong with my shoulders
My mom is always noticing my left shoulder below my right
Like this is natural - |
This is mine sometimes -
And whenever I'm wearing a zip up hoodie, the part that sits on my left shoulder always falls off :/
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Posted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 8:12 pm
some pics of zCB guys makes my heart beat faster for some reason sweatdrop
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