The Potato: 9-13-06 The Final Issue?

[Richard Rider]

The Potato

Your mom likes us


Richard Rider, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer

Week Two Cosplay Winner: Ms. Selina Kyle as Daria
Selina steals the show as a slacker girl. Meanwhile, our publisher cries deep, deep, down inside. The little boy is beaten, and the pain never ends... (LIES. ALL LIES. I'M AS HARDCORE AS THEY COME. DISREGARD ANY RUMORS THAT I WRITE POETRY. OR THAT I CRY SOMETIMES AT NIGHT.)
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The Secret of the Supermonkeys
Earth-Two was the site of not one, but two battles this past week as Superman and Superman battled each other while in another part of the world, Beppo and Beepo fought for simiam supremacy. Beppo, from Earth-One, thought that Beepo from Earth-Two was a wuss for just being a pet. Beepo thought Beppo was an uppity-a** monkey who needed to know his place. In the end the two monkeys were halted by Harley Quinn with a dozen banana sundaes and a ton of peanuts. They both agreed to put aside their differences and eat. Harley now has two supermonkeys at her disposable, although the feces throwing is getting insane in the Harley-Cave.

Cosplay Daze, Week Three: Anything Goes
Some of you guys are whacked. Sreiously.
Clark~Kent as Superman (WHAAAAT?! Does this even count?)
Jimane Szardos as Gypsy Lee Rose (Get naked!)
Channon Yarrow as Cosmo
Ms. Selina Kyle as the Scarlet Witch
Imra Ardeen as Nurse Chapel
Wally_West as Captain James Tiberius Kirk
Lex Joseph Luthor as Axl Rose
Ted_Kord as Hotsuma (We hates the ninjas...)
Linda Lee Danvers as Wanda
Peter Benjamin Parker as Jamie (SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEKICK!)
Virgil Hawkins as Firestorm (Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine!)
d**k Grayson as Bubble Boy
Laurel Gand as Terra
KittyPryde as Princess Mia
Greta Hayes as Hot Lips
Eobard Thawne as Dr. Mario
Tad Ryerstad as Micheal Kelso
Greer Nelson as Foxxy Love
Mr. Scott Summers as Flex Mentallo (Gamekiller)
Wanda__Maximoff as Shirley Manson
Cassandra Sandsmark as Buffy Summers
Richard Rider as dUg Pinnick, who pwns all other musicians
Ms. Emma Frost as Ada Wong
Doctor Harleen Quinzell as Rylie
EdmundPercivalChang as Hawkeye Pierce
Kay Challis as Ziggy Stardust
Querl Dox as Commander Spock
Patience Phillips as Lieutenant Uhura
Jaeger_Ayers as The Shadow
Prince Namor McKenzie as Xandir
Carl Krummet as Angel
Jimmy Olsen as Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld
Hunter Zolomon as Mario
Lucifer Morningstar as Thor
Zatanna Zatara as Thurdsay Next, whatever that is, weirdo British person
Carter Hall as Rebis

Xandar Destroyed, Billions Dead, Nova Corps Gone
Some bugs showed up and pwned everybody! It was badass!

Not really. Xandar was a nice place. The Xandarians were all mini-superheroes, every one of them trying to to the best they could for their world and the universe, They were a courageous, noble people, and the cosmos is a poorer place without them in it. The Nova Corps were some of the best pople around too. They came from all over the universe, each of them trying to honor what they thought was justice in their hearts. A lot of good people died today, and the Potato would like to say whatever Paradise lies beyond this life, when we get there, we hope the Xandarians and the Nova Corps will be there too.

Missing Light: Three Reasons Why Hal Jordan Isn't In Kapow!
There are many Green Lanterns on Gaia and in Kapow!. Kyle Rayner, Alan Scott, Kilowog, Guy Gardner, and John Stewart have all been repesented. However one Green Lantern remains mostly untouched: Harold "Hal" Jordan. True, from time to time someone tries to fill his shoes, but without success. Why is that? The Potato nails it down for you.
1) Rebirth. As the homophobes of the internets would say, it is "teh ghey". However, we aren't homophobes, so we'll say that Green Lantern: Rebirth was bad. Green willpower, big yellow bugs, pink innocence, and a black clad Batman eating dirt makes a rainbow of suck.
2) N00bs. Nobody on Earth with the skills to play Hal correctly will step forward and do it. Mostly Gaia is doomed to have ADD sufferers trying out "the greatest of all Green Lanterns" for two weeks, annoy every regular poster in the Comics Discussion Forum, and then vanish.
3) Hal Jordan. Throughout most of his career, Hal had never really struggled with his ethics until Emerald Twilight. You could depend on Hal to do the right thing no matter what. Superman may not kill, but every once in a while, he'll try to beat a guy into a coma because he's THAT angry. Rebirth took away all the more interesting bits of Hal's personality from recent years and pretty much took him back to the Silver Age. Nobody wants to be a cardboard cutout.


Got questions, comments, suggestions? PM our publisher or email us at potato_staff@witty.com.  

[Richard Rider]

The Potato

Better than the O'Reilly Factor


Richard Rider, Publisher
Bernard Dillon, Editor-In-Chief
Roger Cooper, Staff Writer

Nightwing and Nightwing: Roommates
It was one year later, and d**k Grayson found himself with out a home. Moving to Kyle Rayner's old turf of NYC, he had a hard time finding an affordable apartment. Enter: Jason Todd. Also looking for a place to stay, Todd had thought to find a decent place to squat until he "recovered" enough money to buy something more suitable. However, the two men's destinies were forever altered when the two met during a drug bust. After Todd killed a third of criminals, Grayson incapacitated the others. Grayson and Todd turned on each other, and during the fight, Grayson realized that Todd was awfully smelly. "I told him he needed a bath, and he said he didn't have running water where he was staying," Grayson told the Potato. The two talked, and came to an agreement: they would be roommates. "If I'm going to pound the guy, I want him to be at his best." Inside the apartment and in their civilian identites, they would be cordial. However, once they were in costume, all bets were off. "I think he chose to wear my costume just to annoy me. He knows I won't break the agreement, but he wants to see how far he can push me." Todd could not be reached for comment.

Rick Jones to hold Young Heroes Conference in Memory of Genis-Vell
After the death of Photon at the hands of Baron Helmut Zemo, Rick Jones was angry. So angry, he tried to mobilize Excelsior and send them after Zemo. The team talked him out that course of action. Jones, after some reflection, decided to do something else. He booked a hotel in Kansas City for the second weekend in April, began organizing the Young Heroes Conference. Invitations were sent to the Runaways, the Young Avengers, the remaining students of the Xavier Institute, and various other heroes, such as Arana and Gravity. Scheduled speakers include Spider-Man, Captain America, various former and current members of the New Warriors, and Jones himself. Subects include costume repair, secret ID maintentance, and the possibility of the Superhuman Registration Act passing. "I want these kids prepared for what lays ahead of them if they chose to stay on their paths," Jones said. Reactions were mixed. Molly Hayes: "It's stupid. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of kids who like to sew? Arsenic says we should go just to find out which kids are going to grow up to be dummies. I just want to see Nova. He's nice, and he's not creepy like Spider-Man." Theodore Altman: "ZOMG we get to meat Rick J'Onzz He pwns and he made the Avengrrs LOL!" Julian Kellar: "Par-tay, baby!"

Cosplay Daze, Week Four: TV
How are you guys coming up with the gold for all these outfits?
Clark~Kent as Batman (Again?! Come on man, you're killing us)
Jimane Szardos as that not hot lady from Absolutely Fabulous
Ms. Selina Kyle as Batgirl
Wally_West as the Joker
Lex Joseph Luthor as Duke
Ted_Kord as Flint
Linda Lee Danvers as a fine-a** alien princess
Peter Benjamin Parker as Papa Smurf
Virgil Hawkins as Simon Cowell
d**k Grayson as Just Jack!
Laurel Gand as Harriet Jones
KittyPryde as Lois Lane
Greta Hayes as Hot Lips (Damn, you and Clark...)
Eobard Thawne as Clark Kent
Greer Nelson as Diana from that old D&D cartoon that was nothing like D&D
Cassandra Sandsmark as Supergirl
Richard Rider as John Cena
Ms. Emma Frost as Karen Walker
Doctor Harleen Quinzell as Harley Quinn (Wait, what?)
Querl Dox as the Penguin
Patience Phillips as Catwoman (Hold up. You and Harley should be disqualified for dressing as yourselves. You call it clever, we call it cheating.)
John Constantine as Robin Hood
Hunter Zolomon as Mr. Kotter
Zatanna Zatara as the Riddler
Jake Jordan as Randy Jackson
Victor Stone as Paula Abdul
Donna Troy as Majel Barret
Thomas Blake as Duncan McLoed (you kill in the Highlander card game)
Danny Ketch as Robin the Boy Blunder
Kay_Challis as the Doctor
Jennifer_Walters as Rose Tyler
Channon Yarrow as Phoebe Halliwell (Hothothothothothothothothothothothothot)
George Sloane as the right hand of Satan
Pete Wisdom as Captain Jack Harkness
Jimmy Olsen as Jack Shepard
Carter Hall as the Monkey King
.General Zod. as Iron Chef Italy
and Dennis_Dunphy as the Beav

Saturn Girl's Plans for The Legion
Imra Ardeen is unusually calm for a girl in her position. Promoted to deputy leaader of the Legion of Super-Heroes, she was left in charge after Brainiac 5 chose to take a leave of absence. Then Alexander Luthor revived the multiverse. The Legion went from a core team of less than 30 to a team of over 3000, not including the millions of youths around the galaxy fighting for change. "Most other super-hero groups would still in chaos if something like this happened. For the Legion, this is old hat," Ardeen told us. The Legion members, cadets, and subs were organized and sent off to their various assignments in mere hours. Over 1000 Legionnaires were sent to the Andromeda Galaxy to stop the Annihilation Wave, while another group just as large was sent to help Donna Troy and the heroes on New Cronus. The rest are trying to keep the multiple Earths from destroying each other. "It's been tough, but I think with 50 Supergirls and 27 Superboys, we can get things done."

Gambit Turns to the Dark Side Thanks to Jesus Juice
It started off innocent enough. Remy LeBeau had heard that Apocalypse had a fantastic new drink that the mutants of the world were raving over. "It's just like fruit punch, except better. Way better," commented Scalphunter of the 198. Wanting some for his Bistro, LeBeau went to negotiate with Apocalyse for the right to sell it. Apocalypse and Remy talked for hours onboard his flying sphinx. Remy drank a lot of Apocalype's brew and passed out. The next morning, Remy discovered he was black as his eyes and had long white hair. He immediately realized he was a drow elf. He dithched the X-Men and went to hang out with his true kind, the other-kin and furries of LiveJournal. Will Remy return to his senses? Will Apocalypse tell Remy that he was drinking blood and that he should really be hanging out with the goths instead? Will we get sued by the Ragin' Cajun when he reads this? Stay tuned!

Got questions, comments, suggestions? PM our publisher or email us at potato_staff@witty.com.