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In a dark, dark town,
There was a dark, dark street...





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In the dark, dark street
there was a dark, dark house...






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And in the dark, dark house
there were dark, dark stairs...






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Up the dark, dark stairs
There was-

"OH MY GOD could you STOP that, please?! YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUUUUT!!! DD8"

Eh, sorry. I just thought it was appropriate.








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So, where is the Master anyway?

"I don't know...! This is the only room in the house I haven't checked..."







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"Cressa....? .....Creeessaaa....? I can't believe I'm doing th-"








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"OOOGABOOGABOOGA and s**t!"

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!"








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"Pff... too easy. What do you want, little worm? You're interrupting my very important Me Time."

"I just... I want... I was wondering..."

"Spit it out, or I'll kick you out!"





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"...mmmgnngshhgfgula...."

"What was that? I didn't quite catch it."

"*sigh* What happened to those long, pointy ears of yours?"

"I don't have them in this game. Could you repeat yourself, please? ;3"

"...I need you to teach me how to seduce Jessie."








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"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHO"







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"AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHHAHA!!"







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"Eeeheeheeheeheeheeheehee..."






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"No."

"Come ON Cressa, please! I know we've had our differences, but... I mean..."

"Why should I help YOU seduce MY man? Even to me that is a paradox! No, I won't do it."

Heh, not to mention Cressa hasn't exactly got the best track record in seducing him.






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"...What did you say?!"

Oh, nothing. Just that every single time you've tried to have your way he's rebuffed your every attempt, and you've had to resort to drugging and trickery to get in any kind of proximity. Y'know, I'm not saying you couldn't do it or anything.

"..."






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"You've got a deal, rivvil. Yaaa... can't believe I'm... *grumble*"

"Y-you mean you'll-?!"

"Just get out of my sight before I change my mind!"








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"...So then she asked me to teach her."

"Wtf?! That tramp! I can't believe she expects you to help her just like that!"

"Yeah, well, I'm only doing it to prove that I CAN seduce him! She's like... my proxy! I am acting through her and therefore indirectly I am the one seducing him."

Except you're not. =D

"Shut it...!"









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"...Heeh... hey, Cressa. Don't you think that Coline deserves a little extra 'help?' We're all girls together here, after all. I'm sure she'd appreciate it!"

"What do you-?"

"*whisperwhisper*"

"...A plan worthy of an evil genius such as myself. I accept your proposal, senorita sexybutt!"

"Oooh, is this a diabolical plan I hear in motion? I'm in, whatever it is!"








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Jessie, however, is rarely one to miss the scent when his harem is plotting.

"Leeny... I'm a little worried for you. I just passed Fel, Cressa and Rika in the living room hunched over and planning diabolically. Are they giving you trouble?"

"...Uhh... it's nothing, I promise. Nothing I can't handle, anyway."

"Sweetheart, you know you must tell me if there's anything bothering you so that I can help. You shouldn't have to keep your problems to yourself now that you have someone to share them with."

"...Mmm... I appreciate that, but... I don't think you could really help with this problem. It's nothing to do with them... it's to do with me."

"You...?"







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"Meh... you know how I feel about myself, Jessie. You've made me so happy, but I can't just change the way I think so completely, you know?"

"Coline... you are and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me. You know that, right?"

"...Mm... sure... of course."









[x]

Later...

"Soooooooo Coliiiiiiiiiiiiine..... hehehehehee..."

"We've arranged for you to go on a night out with Jessie, but before that-"

"We're here to give you your crash course on... SEDUCTION!"

"First of all, how would you describe your level of experience in this field? Aphrodite? Rampant stag?"

"...Amoeba."

"Well, never fret, we're going to teach you everything you need to know to be absolutely irresistible! ...Hehehehe..."

"Trust us, if you follow our simple guidelines you'll get laid by the end of the night!"









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"Well, the first thing that you need to know is that when you're with a man, it doesn't matter what you do or say, it's how you LOOK."

"Yep, a man doesn't want to hear any witty conversation you might have, if he's talking to you it means he just wants to get you into bed."

"[Skeptical] But... Jessie talks to me all the time... all we ever do is talk..."

"EXACTLY! And you know why he HASN'T gotten you into bed yet? Because you RESPOND! That's wrong, wrong, wrong! You're not supposed to ANSWER when a man speaks to you, you're just supposed to nod and smile, nod and smile, got it?"

"...O-okay... just nod and smile... I can do that..."

"No matter WHAT he says, just nod and smile! They don't listen to your replies anyway!"









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"That's basically IT for that part, NOW you need to know how to ACT SEDUCTIVE!"

"Now, when he bends in to kiss you, make a face like this. Men LOVE to get a good look at the tongue they're about to wrestle with!"

"If you'd like to come on to him, reach over and squeeze his thigh. Then step on his foot. REALLY HARD. Honestly, it'll turn him on SO much."

"Or, if you're in public, reach round and give him a firm smack on the butt."

"You could punctuate that by shouting 'Hey-ho, Shirley!' That's like the sex goddess' battlecry. They use it in porn ALL the time."

"...o...kay..."

"Is all of this getting through your thick skull, worm?"

"Y-yes... I think so..."









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"Now, if you do all of THAT the only way you could possibly fail is if your look is wrong! Remember, it's ALWAYS how you look with men."

"Let's start with your hair - we need to get rid of it."

"G-get rid of my hair?! Are you insane?!"

"Oh hush, we're going for a radical new look! You'll LOVE it!"

(Note: Why is Fel obsessed with toothpaste tonight...? I JUST missed the shot, but she was laughing herself to death over it a second earlier...)







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*CRASH*

*BANG*

*WALLOP*

*FERVERISH HAMMERING*

"OMFG, you have NO TITS!"

"Cressa, don't be TOO mean!"

"But look at her, how is she supposed to make ANYTHING look good when she looks like a ten year old boy?!"

"There must be SOMETHING you can give me! ;3; Please...! Just make me look sexy!"








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"Oh, you are SO ready."







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Later...

"Well, there he is, waiting for me. I can do this. I can..."






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"Oh god. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't-"

"Coline? I'd know that pessimistic mutter anywhere."

"Oh, crap!"







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"Sweetheart, are you going to come down from the tree? We can't go to dinner if you don't come down. And... and why won't you answer me? Coline, what's wrong? We're going to be late! Sweetheart, come down so I can see you! If there's something wrong, I can-"






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...





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"...Oh. Um. Your hair... your... um... dress... you look..."

*snickering from the background*






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Oh look, it's the Three Stooges.

"Shhh, we're undercover! =D"

Hence the bush?

"Hey, the bush was MY idea! Don't dis the bush!"

"Well, this is proceeding EXACTLY as planned. The little mouse is making a fool of herself, and Jessie will be WAY too embarrassed to take her anywhere! Oh man, we are just TOO good!"






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"...You look... um..."

"8["







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"...You look beautiful. Let's go."

!!!!!!






[x]

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"WHAT"

"HOW IS HE SO NICE?!"

"WHY CAN'T I GET A GUY LIKE THAT?!"

"WHY DO I KEEP HAVING DREAMS ABOUT THE JONAS BROTHERS LICKING CREAM OFF MY BODY??"

"..."

"..."

"...I mean... WHAT?!"







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Coline and Jessie's night out in a nutshell:

"You know, it's not like you to be so quiet. Do you have laryngitis? Maybe we shouldn't have come out tonight, it's kind of cold for you... especially in that dress... Do you need me to take you to the hospital in the morning?"

"....*smile and nod* ;3;"

Innocuous-looking Bush: *shuffleshuffleshuffleOWMYFOOTSHHHHshuffleshuffle*






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"Honestly, you really should TELL me these things, darling. If you're not feeling well, you don't need to push yourself for me. Honestly, I would've been happy staying inside with y-"





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"*SPANK*"

"Yeep!"







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"..."

"...H-hi ho... Shirley...?"







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Our intrepid protaganists do not arrive home until early morning. A steamy night in a hotel, maybe?






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"I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so SORRY!"

Huh, maybe not.

"I've told you, love - it's okay, honestly. You weren't to know that slamming your stiletto down on my foot would fracture the tarsometatarsal joint, requiring a midnight ambulance ride to A&E..."

"I am so, SO SORRY, Jessie!"

"Seriously, it's okay. No long-term harm done. I even get a couple of days off work!"

"Well, this is going perfectly..."

"...Except for the fact that he's being SO GODDAMN NICE ABOUT EVERYTHING!"







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"...Why... why are you...?"

"Hm? Coline?"

"Why are you being so goddamn NICE about everything?!"

"Ahh, the question we ALL want answered."

"Wh-what-?"

"This awful dress, my hair, shaming you in public... I BROKE your freaking FOOT! Why - why doesn't any of this BOTHER you?! Are you insane?! I'm a screw up and a failure, and it's like you don't even notice!"

"Muahaha, excellent, eeexcellen-"

"Because I love you."

"UGH, NO! CODE RED!"









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"..."

"Why would I be ashamed? Why would I be mad? I would die for you, Coline. So you can be a little... quirky, at times. So what? It's all just a part of the woman I adore."







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"So you go ahead and tell me why I should be mad. Honestly? You won't come up with anything that'll make me change my opinion."

"I... I..."

"You're beautiful when you blush."

"@____@"







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"...I've had it with this."

"??"

"Oh ******** YES! Nobody ever taught Jessie women only like assholes who torture them, huh? Looks like it's time for the Big Breakup!"

"I'm sick of pretending to be something I'm not. This whole evening was just a disaster, all because I listened to Cressa and not to myself."

"...Oh, crap."








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"I love you too, Jessie. Everything I did tonight, no matter how ill-advised, was because I just wanted you to want me... *blush* You know, after the other night."

"Oh, yawn. Mission abort. *vomit*"

"Oh Coline, you didn't have to-"

"Sh, no. You don't have to tell me. I can see it myself now. It's unbelievable, but... you've finally gotten through my thick skull. Like I said, I can't quite believe it, but... I can see it. I never had to do anything, did I?"







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"...Jessie... I just... your acceptance means so much to me. I know I've almost lost you a couple of times, because I was too stupid or too scared to see what I had at my fingertips..."

"Coline..."

"No, please. I've heard all you have to say, and it's finally making sense. I want you to know, right now, and forever, that I love you. I love you too. I feel HONOURED to have known you and been worthy of your affection, and yes, I would die for you, too. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone, let alone have someone feel the same for me. So I... I just... I want... please..."








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"Marry me."