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 Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 5:20 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 7:25 pm
Name: Emyrs Asher
Hmmm normally I give names a pass. But come on... Emyrs? Thats just flat out a name that you'd never hear.
Alignment: Suffra
Special Abilities:
Lycanthropy: He can transform into were-animals for a period of time. The animal he would become would depend on his mood.
Animal Talk:He can speak to other animals not by his mouth, but more like focusing his thoughts to the animal.
Morph Others:He can morph other creatures at will as long as he can make a "mental connection" with them.
Elemental: He has the ability to summon the life energy of the planet he is on and focus it onto an attack to a single target of group.
No... no... no... and no. You can't have all of those powers! especially the morph others, morph self, and "elemental" powers. You didn't even define the elemental power. "life energy of the planet?" Come on now? What the hell is that?That's got nothing to do with being a nova.
Appearance:
Emyrs is a teenager about 15 to 16 (no one really knows). He has Dark Brown hair and always seemed to have a sullen expression in his eyes. His hair was strewn about and untidy. He has green eyes that seem to glow when he is expieriencing strong emotion. He suffered a major trauma when he was younger. His family was raided by rebel dwarves and his parents were killed. He got away but was suffered a major blow to the head which caused him to suffer from amnesia. Now he travels the world looking for his parents hoping that one day they would be re-united but not knowing that it could never happen. On his journey he will discover his abilities and the truth.
UMMMMM RAIDED BY DWARVES!? WTF? Did you even read the premise? *rolls eyes*
Personality: Emyrs is a very laid back and calm person unless you get him mad. When he gets angry he loses control he goes beserk and could kill hundreds of people without regret. Usually he is a peacefull person and you can see forgiveness in his eyes.
Sexual Orientation: I am pretty sure he is straight but you never know what might turn out.
Overall i didn't spend much time critiquing this because obviously you didn't put much time into actually making it. If i were to guess you probably just copied another character you had made and changed it the minumum you could for this roleplay. Either way. The character is unacceptable. If you do another character this bad, you will permanently be banned from ever being accepted into Galvan.
~Melissa~
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 11:42 am
SilverImmortalKat A mansion lies nesteled in the middle of a normal suburban neighborhood but it sticks out a lot. The neighbors seem nice and friendly, but who knows what they really think of the people and the dark mansion. And, the family that lives there is pretty big, they also have a couple of family friends that live close by. House Appearance: Inside-Very exotic with rich colors and a lot of sheer hangings and dark curtains mixed with a vampire, draculas castle look. Outside-A Huge mansion that is made out of stone bricks with large, mahogany wooden doors...like those old-fashioned castles. High, stained glass windows shaped like fancy crosses. Two huge trees right in the front, and dark rose bushes leading up the walkway to the front door. There is also a huge iron gate and fence bordering the property with various vinelike plants growing and tangling with it. RULES: 1-Follow Gaia TOS 2-Try to be active. We undstand if you can't make it but don't just post and never come back. 3-Be semi-literate. Use "" for talking and (()) for OOC 4-You must PM me your profile or you will not be added. Old members do not have to worry about this. 5-Put DRAGON in you profile somewhere if you've read the rules. 6-Also Just Pm one of us...Dragonlily14 or SilverImmortalKat if you have questions. PM me your profile: Username: Name(first and last): Age: Family Position(sister,brother,neighbor,friend,etc): Appearance(picture or good description no avvie): ((We edited it a bunch when people became inactive...although we still didn't have much luck. It lasted a bit over 30pgs mostly us back and forth..then she lost her internet))
~Melissa~
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Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2005 9:01 am
Minui Well, I'm gonna give this a try... Here we go: Some RP Inside the shop it was just as cold as outside, and since David hadn't thought of that, he had left his jacket in the car. Which was now rolling somewhere through town and was by all means out of reach. Great way to start a day, smartass, the black haired man cursed silently, then turned to look around the, in his opinion, way too small shop. Luckily it didn't take long before he found what he had been looking for, so that spared David too much socializing early in the morning. The least thing he wanted to do right now was 'make friends' as his mother kept calling it ever since he was 5, so he ignored the people at and behind the counter and walked determined past the shelves filled with snacks and mainly pornographic or gossip magazines over to the cold drinks, a not so fine assortment of everything from milk to tequila. 'That's what I call a great selection' He thought sarcastically, before picking up three tins and walking over to the checkout. "Those, please." With that, the American placed the two tins of Guiness on the counter, along with a tin of cold coffee. Just by looking at the coffee he started missing Starbucks' great selection from Cappuccino to Frappuccino and everything in between, and it seemed like he'd have to hold back on his caffeine consume in 'good olde England'. David already started hating this country before even properly moving in, and as the shop assistant - or shopkeeper, this small shop didn't look like more than one person worked here - was more fascinated with a magazine displaying half-naked men than their costumers, he cleared his throat. "Excuse me, miss?" He said, raising an eyebrow at the lady. This day was getting better by every passing minute. *Groove* Lessee... Inside the shop it was just as cold as outside, and since David hadn't thought of that, he had left his jacket in the car. In this sentence it'd be better to use 'but' instead of 'and'; if you left it like that you'd also need to either add a comma before 'since' or delete the one after 'that'. I'd probably contract 'he had' to 'he'd' in this sentence, but that's style choice. Example of sentence with above fixes: Inside the shop it was just as cold as outside, but, as David hadn't thought of thought of that, he'd left his jacket in the car. That's perfectly fine, but if this was my personal sentence I'd tweak its arrangement and phrasing a bit further to something like this: The inside of the shop was just as cold as the outside, but as he hadn't been expecting that David had left his jacket [back] in the [or: his] car. That version eliminates the 'it was' structure (that phrase (not to mention its cousins 'there are', 'there is', 'there were' and such) is just inherently not good news 99% of the time) and makes the rest of it a tad more concise *nod*. Which was now rolling somewhere through town and was by all means out of reach. I think I'm going to invent a term--this usage of a fragment is hereby termed 'smart fragment' (defined as: fragment that, although technically grammatically wacko as a sentence, works stylistically within its context). Totally off-topic side note: Stylistically. Man, look at that word. If you squint it could practically be straight out of some foreign fantasy language... But yeah, the sentence. Why exactly, if his car is rolling somewhere through town, is he not doing anything about it? After a bit of studying I thought that perhaps it was a stolen car and there was no point in going after it--but there's nothing in the rest of the post immediately backing that up to me, so I must conclude that my guess is wrong and he's just being stupid for some reason. I mean, there are other possible explanations, like the car was stolen from him (and that's why it's rolling through town and such)--but then we would still have to conclude that he was stupid, as most sane people would be doing something about their stolen car instead of fooling around in a shop. Unless your goal in this particular sentence is to leave your reader all nice and confounded, I must suggest you make what's actually been going on with that car a bit clearer *nod*. Great way to start a day, smartass, the black haired man cursed silently, then turned to look around the, in his opinion, way too small shop. This is one of those iffy sentences that might actually be grammatically correct, but as I'm not sure I'm going to go ahead and give it a few tweaks here to make da correctness more certain. Great way to start a day, smartass, the black-haired [note the hyphen there] man cursed silently as he turned to look around the, in his opinion, way too small shop. If you wanted you could also enclose 'in his opinion' with parentheses instead of commas, but that's just style choice again. Luckily it didn't take long before he found what he had been looking for, so that spared David too much socializing early in the morning. Another case of your sentence just needing a bit of rearranging/tweaking to clean/clear it up a bit. Here's one possible 'concised' (and grammatically tweaked) version: Luckily it didn't take him [or: David] long to find what he was looking for, so he was spared having to socialize that early in the morning. The least thing he wanted to do right now was 'make friends' as his mother kept calling it ever since he was 5, so he ignored the people at and behind the counter and walked determined past the shelves filled with snacks and mainly pornographic or gossip magazines over to the cold drinks, a not so fine assortment of everything from milk to tequila. Hoo-ya, that's a long sentence. I don't think it's actually a run-on or anything, but it still needs to be trimmed down a bit. Content stuff--is 'make friends' really so odd a phrasing that it'd be so irrevocably twined with babyhood/childishness in his head like that? I also find it odd that he's focusing on avoiding making friends so much when there probably wouldn't be lines of people--or any people--jumping to do that with stranger guy walking by... Grammar... You probably mean 'the last thing he wanted'. You're going to need to say 'as his mother had called it ever since he was five' if you keep that line as it is. You need to say 'walked determinedly'. Here's a rewrite keeping most of what you originally said: The last thing he wanted to do right now was 'make friends' (as his mother had called it ever since he was five), so he ignored the people at and behind the counter as he passed. Walking determinedly past the shelves filled with snacks and magazines [you could possibly put one of your adjectives back on to 'magazines' there, but the phrase you had beforehand was (for lack of a better word) adjective-bloated], David made his way towards the selection of cold drinks [or how about 'fridge' or something here?] (which, in this case, happened to be a not-so-fine assortment of everything from milk to tequila). That version could still be made much 'smoother'; it sounds a little off... But I'm going to take the "my brain hurts" card and leave you to play with it further yourself. 'That's what I call a great selection' He thought sarcastically, before picking up three tins and walking over to the checkout. Be consistant with how you're going to indicate thought. You should uncapitalize 'he' since it doesn't function like a sentence beginning with that thought stuff before it. Scratch the comma before 'before'. Now, is 'tin' a British term or summat? Otherwise I'd suggest changing it to a clearer word (or words)... "Those, please." With that, the American placed the two tins of Guiness on the counter, along with a tin of cold coffee. You're good up to the ', along with...' bit; the sentence structure just gets kinda odd then. (Though, 'please' sounds potentially out of place with the personality you had going there... Meh. Your call.) Maybe you could do something like... With that, the American placed [set/shoved/pushed] his [two tins of Guiness and side tin of cold coffee/his Guiness and coffee] on the counter. Just by looking at the coffee he started missing Starbucks' great selection from Cappuccino to Frappuccino and everything in between, and it seemed like he'd have to hold back on his caffeine consume in 'good olde England'. I'd prolly adjust that first bit to: Just looking at the coffee time reminded him of... I've honestly never figured out for certain whether you're supposed to put just an apostrophe or an apostrophe s when you're making words already starting with s possessive... So that could go either way as far as I know. I probably would uncapitalize cap- and frappuccino. The word 'selection' here sounds slightly repetative after talking about the cold drinks selection before... They're most likely far enough apart for it to not matter. The second part--you're looking for the word consumption where you said consume. I'd prolly rearrange the whole thing into two separate sentences and phrase the second like this: It looked as if he was going to have to hold back on his caffeine consumption in 'good olde England' whether he wanted to or not. David already started hating this country before even properly moving in, and as the shop assistant - or shopkeeper, this small shop didn't look like more than one person worked here - was more fascinated with a magazine displaying half-naked men than their costumers, he cleared his throat.This is another compound sentence I'd spilt--the two halves really don't stick together that well to me... And I'm going to fix a few tense things here: David had started hating this country before he'd even properly moved in. [Or you could do something like: David hadn't even properly moved in yet, but he was already hating this country.] As the shop assistant--or shopkeeper[, perhaps,] as this place didn't look large enough to need any actual employees--was more fascinated with a magazine displaying half-naked men than her customers, he cleared his throat. "Excuse me, miss?" He said, raising an eyebrow at the lady. This day was getting better by every passing minute.No cap on 'he'. I'd prolly say 'better with every...". And I'm going to call that good, as I must run at the moment. Whew ^^
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Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 4:00 am
-Edited-
Name(s): Masao and Tsuyoshi Takeda
Ages: 17 (twins)
Alignments: Masao- Suffra; Tsuyoshi- More "both" than "unknown"
Special Ablilites: Given the fact that they possess identical genes, they were affected the same way by the mutation, and were given identical powers: Both possess the power of translocation, with a unusual twist. They are able to translocate themselves and objects, but only by switching themselves or the objects with other objects. They are only able to switch, or switch with, objects that they have had prior physical contact with.
Given the non-combative nature of his powers, Masa uses his natural martial skill when fighting, utilizing a combination of Kempo and Jiu-jitsu (taught by his father), as well as some wrestling techniques and his own personal style, using his powers to complement his skills. Yoshi, like Masa, prefers fighting with his fists, using a mix of flat-out street and Jeet Kune Do, as well as Jiu-jitsu and wrestling. However, he has also developed several... unique uses for his abilities which he has yet to implement in combat.
Though it has no connection to their Novan abilities, it bears worth mentioning that the two share a strange near-psychic connection, as twins sometimes do.
Appearances: The brothers, identical to the last hair, are your not-quite-typical Japanese youths. They both possess a slim countenance; light brown eyes; and pin-straight, medium length, dark brown hair with long bangs, the feathered tips of which hang around their eyes, giving them sheepdog-esque appearances. Though they are very good-looking, the intrinsically masculine "handsome" would be an improper descriptor, with "beautiful" being closer to the mark. As such, they are capable of the unnerving facial femininity sometimes inherent to the males of their race; with the application of makeup, they could almost pass for girls. (They're like J-rockers! XP) A bit taller than their stereotypical peers, they each stand at a fair five foot nine-and-a-half, weighing roughly 150 pounds. Clearly defined, but not muscular by any means, they are of lithe but fairly strong build, mostly due to their training with their high school's wrestling team.
Both are fashion anomalies, even as teenagers go, and wear what they feel like wearing. Of course, this could range anywhere from a fishnet shirt and wife beater to biker leather to collared button-down shirts to a trenchcoat and fedora, all depending on their moods. However, Tsuyoshi tends to go more for the dark and bizzare, preferring black to all other colors; whereas Masao goes for careless good looks, making sure everything in his wardrobe is completely interchangeable.
Personality (Masao): An easygoing, friendly kind of guy in general, Masao is clearly the more social of the two brothers. He possesses a "take life as it comes" attitude, which he has developed into more of a personal philosophy and way of life. Masa rolls with the punches of life, and is capable of patiently waiting for a chance to strike back. As a result, he is nearly impossible to truly anger, and sadness is practically an unknown to him. It could be said that the phrase "teenage angst" is simply not in his vocabulary. His unbreakable nature has seen him through many tough spots in his life. Dwelling only in the present, and not afraid of a bit of danger to spice things up, he delights in pushing his limits and living to the fullest.
Though he is a bit of a thrill-seeker, Masa is rather altruistic at heart. Unafraid to stand up and speak his mind, he often gets in trouble defending complete strangers, particularly when he is almost entirely ignorant of the situation or conflict at hand. He also loves meeting people and making new friends, his personal thoughts on the subject being that one can never have enough.
Believing that life is all about enjoying what you have, while you have it, Masa hates being sad (and rarely is), as well as seeing sadness in others. As such, he can always be counted on to cheer someone up when they're feeling down. Similarly, he sees life itself as sacred, and becomes infuriated with those who would take it, under any circumstances. He is not averse to dealing out a beating to those who deserve it, but will, of course, never kill.
A rather arts-oriented young man, particularly in the field of music, Masa enjoys singing in his free time, as well as deluding himself into thinking that he can play the guitar.
Personality (Tsuyoshi): Quiet, naturally pensive, and more than a little enigmatic in general, Tsuyoshi spends a lot of time staring off into the void, a trait that makes him seem distant and cold to casual observers. He tends to brush off those he deems "inferior", and is easily annoyed by others' stupidity. However, if someone attempts to engage him in pleasant, intelligent conversation, he is often more than happy to reciprocate. Those who are purposefully less pleasant (or just plain stupid) are met with indifference; anger, if they prove too persistent. Like his brother, he is rather unaffected by life's typical troubles, but has far less patience with continual annoyances, tending only to put up with them so long before getting rid of them himself.
Though his introverted behavior is often taken for terminal shyness, lack of confidence has little to do with it. He prefers to observe and gather information without direct contact before making a move. In this regard he can be cold and calculating, as he tends to take the measure of every person he meets. If they fail to "measure up", then his typical reaction is to ignore them entirely.
Yoshi lives his life according to his personal philosophy and morality, and shuns traditional and societal values in favor of his own. Despite his seemingly cold nature, he is, paradoxically, a firm believer in the power of true friendship, a chief tenet of his personal values system. A good judge of honesty and loyalty, he chooses his friends carefully and well. Seeing friendship as a something of a sacred pact, he becomes extremely upset when others violate it. Fortunately, however, his calculating observational habits rarely allow him the chance to speak his mind right off the bat, keeping him out of some potentially dangerous conflicts. UNfortunately, as a result, when his principles finally demand action, overriding his desire to silently gather information, he will often react violently. Given the fact that he is perfectly prepared to use his powers against others, angering him in this manner is dangerous.
On a more positive note, he is far more open with those he considers friends, the ony people he trusts, and can be an entirely different, much more talkative person around them.
Like his brother, Yoshi is rather left-brained and musically inclined, but prefers the piano to the guitar. While he does seem to possess some of his brother's vocal talent, he has abandoned that particular venture, taking up art as a hobby instead.
Personality (Together): As the two are polar opposites, personality-wise, and brothers and twins no less, constant conflict is a given. Physically, the brothers are perfectly matched, and can often be seen blowing off steam by sparring, sometimes quite fiercely. Regardless, however, of how they may act, they share a strong emotional connection with each other, and both know that they possess an unbreakable bond. Occasionally, this bond is quite evident, particularly when they fight alongside each other in physical combat.
The fact that Tsuyoshi is perfectly willing to unleash his true might upon others (deserving as they may be) is a constant source of worry for Masao, as he fears his brother may one day go too far; whereas Tsuyoshi fears that Masa may one day come up against something truly dangerous, that he cannot just let "roll off his back" as he does everything else.
They are highly protective of each other, and anyone attempting to harm one will always provoke the rage of the other. However, Tsuyoshi is usually confident enough in his brother that he can leave it to Masao to fight his own battles. Masa, unlike Yoshi, will often blow up over attacks on his brother, and usually intervenes even in minor conflicts.
On a side note, both have long since rejected their traditional Japanese customs and manners; the prospect of formal titles, over-respect and witless honor simply do not appeal to them.
Sexual Orientations:
Masao- Straight (and a bit of a skirt-chaser, much to his brother's chagrin).
Tsuyoshi- Straight and single with no plans for change, he prefers a friendship to a relationship.
History: Masao and Tsuyoshi grew up in a Los Angeles orphanage. Having never known, nor even met their parents, the two were instilled from the beginning with the thought that the only family either would ever have was the other. As such, they developed strong bonds early in life, holding each other up when it was needed, providing emotional support, and generally being there for each other. Back then, the two were strikingly similar both in looks and personality, their stronger-than-normal bond showing through clearly: They dressed the same, talked the same, and even finished each others' sentences on occasion. It was in these early years that they learned to communicate without words, developing and cultivating their seemingly psychic connection.
The orphanage proved to be an inhospitable home for the two, for though the staff were kind enough, the others occupants were not. Masa and Yoshi were the only Japanese children in the entire building, and were the frequent targets of bullying and mild racism. It was then that Masa developed his "roll with the punches" attitude, letting the verbal attacks roll off his back, and waiting for an opening to get the bullies where it hurt. Oppositely, Yoshi just punched everything that pissed him off. This was the beginning of their personalities' divergence, though it would not become obvious until later. Once the bullies realized throwing insults at the brothers was simply getting them ignored and bruised, respectively, they moved on to more physical means of torment. Once again, however, the twins' connection shone through to overcome the odds, and the twins worked together to fend off the others, by force, if it was necessary. Together, they eventually climbed their way to the top of the miniature heirarchy of the orphanage, proving themselves to their past tormentors. It was shortly after this, and their ninth birthdays, that the two were finally taken in... by a very unlucky *****.
Barely a month after the adoption, the pervert attempted to force himself upon the two boys, who responded by plowing him face-first through the glass top of his coffee table, leaving him bleeding from the throat. In an rather unmerited act of decency, Masa called an ambulance, saving the man's life; an action which Tsuyoshi, to this day, fails to understand. After the incident, Yoshi and Masa were pictured in the newspaper, along with a short biographical article, which also described their "encounter".
Shortly afterwards, a kindly, but impotent Japanese businessman and his wife, spotting the twins in the paper and hearing of their exploits, as well as the fact that they were now up for adoption once more, leapt at the chance to take them in. And so it was that the twins spent their past eight years, living in the expansive house of their wealthy foster parents.
However, their respective personalities continued to diverge; and though they shared in many activites, such as learning martial arts and Kendo from their foster father, and participating on the varsity wrestling team at their high school, both could not help noticing the differences sprouting between them. Masao grew to be outgoing and carefree, and well-liked by all those around him, while Tsuyoshi consistently retreated to his own sphere, away from his peers, and chose his friends carefully. Nevertheless, the bond they share remains strong, forged of hardship and the combined strength and love it took to get them through it. Both are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter what, that they will always be together.
Their simultaneous eruption at the age of 15 was comical at best. It was a friday, and Masao had a date with his current crush. Tsuyoshi was with his friends, as usual, and Masa was accompanying them until he had to leave to meet his date. When the time came, Masa was all nerves, but Yoshi assured him he'd be fine, gave him a pat on the back, and sent him on his way. An hour later, Tsuyoshi was back at home, and Masa's date was just getting started. Unable to start a conversation, Masa was sweating through his shirt, and found himself wishing he was somewhere else. At that moment, Yoshi, rather bored without his friends to talk to, was wondering how Masa's date was going. A moment later, Masa was on Yoshi's bed with a sociology book on his lap, and Yoshi was in a Chinese restaurant, sitting across the table from Masa's date.
What followed, I won't get into.
As soon as their adoptive parents heard of the completion of the Galvan Nova Academy, they insisted that the twins attend at once. However, both were loathe to leave their friends and lives behind, and held out for several days, unwilling to go. Finally, the brothers gave in to the combined pressuring of both their foster parents and their likewise encouraging friends and agreed to attend, if only to prove that doing so would be fruitless. The twins' expectations of the Academy are not high, but they look forward to being able to use their powers openly in a public setting.
Recently, the twins have become absorbed in planning a search for their parents. Having been given no information from the orphanage other than the oh-so-cliched "they perished in a car accident", the twins have their doubts, particularly considering they were brought in almost directly after birth, and had no scars themselves. Both are determined to one day find the truth about their parents' fate.
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Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 8:20 pm
Ano... Galvon Nova RP form~
Name: Shina Kazumi (She just transfered from Japan)
Age:15
Alignment:Suffra
Special Abilities:Element manipulation
Appearance:Click here Usually with headphones in her ears, light purple hair, short black long sleeve and ezza fitch dark tessa destroyed flare jeans.
Personality:She's quiet until you talk to her, she does like attention though. She's clumsy at times, sweet, genourous, and that stuff... But don't make her mad cuz she can get scary x3
Sexual Orientation: Straight~----
History: Shina Kazumi was born mainly in japan but since her father was a archiologist, he drove them crazy by moving them to millions of places. Though most the places were rather pretty, they probably went on over a hundred places by the time she was 13. She changed schools a lot and offered boarding school but her parents wouldn't let. Most the time she would stay home in Japan and had to take care of herself, so by 9 she knew almost everything about living a life.
Once traveling to a unknown territory during a meteor shower, Shina had seen a red aura glowing from one and literally crashed into her hotel, in her room. Since the place they were in was unknown, the hotel was just torn down, people were afraid of the place being cursed. As odd as it was, there were no people around inspecting it... But when Shina woke up, there was a odd aura glowing on her hand. Shaking her hand in confusion, she got up and washed her hand... The aura disappear but she was sent to the hospital after she showed her mother.
She refused to show the doctors the aura so she had been sent back to Japan and stood at her real home in Osaka. Later on she found out she could control water, fire, and... earth. It was very odd to her. After a long while she got the letter and was sent to the school. She wondered how they found out but shrugged. Boarding school, hey I won't have to move so much anymore ^o^ But in her mind, she thought someone might of seen her when she tripped earlier today and accidently sent a piece of sidewalk.... flying into the air.
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Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 12:15 am
Hm. Well, looking back at what I've posted here, I must say that I made several... errors. Apparently, I wasn't as charged as I thought last night, though posting at four in the morning was probably a bad idea regardless.
Anyhoo, this profile needs work. However, I've plans for these two, and I can't make some of the bigger changes right now without ruining parts of their characters; I need a bit of time to work the revisions in. So Krome, Merlinic, feel free to rip at what I've got up there, as your input would be much appreciated, but I should tell you that it'll change from time to time as I make small revisions to the profiles (most notably to the history, and a bit to the personalities). Nothing major, but some (actually, a fair bit) of the stuff in there is bugging me.
If, by some freak circumstance, this is accepted as-is, I request that you refrain from putting up the profile until I finish making the changes, at which point I will make a post declaring it. Many thanks.
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Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 10:38 am
Saoshyant: You'll probably have time to fix what you want and repost before we get to you--if by extreme chance I finish first I'll just stick to general comments on the profile already up, then... SilverImmortalKat Star looked at the small clock in her living room and stood. If she didn't hurry she wouldn't make it to the performace. She stared at her self in the mirror, her clothing was a bit scruffy so she decided she should at least look half way decent. She pulled out a pair black pants, it wasn't like she had any other color, her colors were dark to hide herself. Then, Star pulled out a purple long-sleeved top. It was one of her best, and favorite tops. After dressing, she grabbed her jacket and was out the door. It took her a bit to arrive at the theatre, after all her only transportation was by feet. The ticket handler took a look at her ticket, and admitted her in. Star stuck to the middle of the audince, it was the perfect place, the front was full, and she wanted to be able to see. She shiffted the black jacket a bit, then waited for the performance to start. ((Also here's a recent post, its a bit short, but a bit longer than I usually make them.)) You spend a proportionally large amount of time talking about clothing in this post. Possible other things to dwell on: what she was doing before she looked at the clock, what her room/house/apartment's like, what the walk to the theatre is like, what the theatre inside is like... Most of those are setting-related--it's always good to give the reader at least a little bit of an idea of what's around the character... Star looked at the small clock in her living room and stood. If she didn't hurry she wouldn't make it to the performace. Comma between hurry and she. Performance. She stared at her self in the mirror, her clothing was a bit scruffy so she decided she should at least look half way decent. There's no signal that she's moved into a bedroom or something here, which I would assume because she then goes into pulling out clothes and dressing. You have a comma splice--put a semicolon in place of the comma between mirror and her. Herself is one word. The second part of the sentence sounds a little odd to my logic meter; consider writing a sentence like this instead: Her clothing was a bit scruffy; she [knew/decided/figured] she needed to look at least halfway [note, halfway = one word in my dictionary] decent, though, so she pulled her drawer/closet open to look for something nicer. She pulled out a pair black pants, it wasn't like she had any other color, her colors were dark to hide herself.Whoa. Double comma-splice. 'Her colors were dark to hide herself' is melodramatic anyway, so I'll drop that part and make this sentence: She pulled out a pair of black pants; it wasn't like she had any other color. Then, Star pulled out a purple long-sleeved top. It was one of her best, and favorite tops. After dressing, she grabbed her jacket and was out the door. 'Purple' here is, for lack of a better term, an 'annoying adjective'. For one, you seem more concerned with making sure we know it's purple than anything else potentially more important to the story... "best, and favorite" is odd--you should prolly do either "best, favorite" or "best and favorite". Perhaps after 'she grabbed her jacket' you could say 'and went out the door'? It's more action-like, so it kinda goes better with the actions of 'grabbing' and 'dressing'... A slightly better rewrite on the purple top thing: Then, Star pulled out her best (and favorite) top; unlike her pants, it was purple rather than black. It took her a bit to arrive at the theatre, after all her only transportation was by feet. Okay, you have comma-splice-itis. Commas are too weak to hold together two separate sentences--you need to use either a comma plus a contraction like 'and' or 'but' or a semi-colon. (The semi-colon'd prolly be best for this one.) You also need a comma after 'all'... Question: there's no chance she'd take a bus or something? Actually, I don't even know whether she's in a city that would have good public transportation in the first place... It's possible that some of those details have been left out because they're covered in other parts of the rp, but I am left wondering... The ticket handler took a look at her ticket, and admitted her in. Don't they usually take part of the ticket itself too? Scratch the comma between ticket and and. Possible setting detail you could add: was there a line to get to the ticket handler, or a conspicuous lack of one? Star stuck to the middle of the audince, it was the perfect place, the front was full, and she wanted to be able to see. Splicey-splicey. Try something like: Star stuck to the middle of the audience [lookit the spelling of that word]--it was the perfect place for [seeing the whole stage at once]. I had to invent the last part there 'cause the bits you had written didn't really fit in logically when I rearranged it like that... She shiffted the black jacket a bit, then waited for the performance to start. There's a typo there--one f in shifted. I would probably say 'and waited for the...' without a comma before 'and' instead of the 'then waited' bit... I'd also prolly say 'her jacket' instead of 'the black jacket' and add in an explanation for why she's busy shifting it in the first place--she's antsy, overheated, what? Mr-fumph. Hopefully that helps you out a bit *nod nod*. Now I must skitter off again...
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Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 1:32 am
Okay, barring a rewrite (which I honestly lack the time for right now) that's all I can do. The profile is now open for full-on chainsawing.
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Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 10:34 am
MXT Hey..-is a noob of guild- I is new here. -nods- So , I knew you (two??) are busy but if you have time (that being i don't mind being last xD) Check him out for me. Thanks Name: Gark Age: 17 Appearnce: A hulking mass of a beast with an over sized back giving him a hunched appearnce. He arms are long and hang at his side and drage on the ground when he walks. On the run his can use his arms to move faster. His face seems to be swallen on one side as one eye is bigger then the otheres causing distorting it. Large teeth stuck up from his lower lip to about the end of his noise which is smashed into his face. His skin is a yellow color and seems to be all most made of tree bark and is highly flamable. His legs are small and short for his size. His fraim is rippled with muscles even as a large pot belly hangs from his stomach. Abliities:Can regenerate from all most any wound except fire which he is high afaird of. Weapons: He likes to smash Bio: Gark comes from a tribe of high respected wood trolls. His whole speices is very vain and digified, till the day Gark was born. On that day everyone of the tribe freaked thinking it was a cruse on them and they all went into a deeply reliougious period. They all now worship the goddes of beuty even as they sent Gark out in the world at a eary age. Personality: He is a gently soul in a deformed body. He likes to feed birds a look a flowers. He hurts nothing and no one unless provuched or freighten. You have spelling problems. *Solemn nod.* Appearnce: A hulking mass of a beast with an over sized back giving him a hunched appearnce. Appearance. Over-sized. Since the rest of your appearance is mostly sentences, I'd change this to start with 'he is'. One grammatically correct way to say the end of that sentence: ...over-sized back that gives him a hunched appearance. He arms are long and hang at his side and drage on the ground when he walks.His arms. Drag. Question: he just drags them along rather than picking them up to save his knuckles from getting scraped up or using them to lope along ape-style? On the run his can use his arms to move faster. Perhaps that's where loping comes into play? Hm... His face seems to be swallen on one side as one eye is bigger then the otheres causing distorting it. Swollen. Bigger than. The other, unless he has more than two eyes. I'd just completely scratch that 'causing distorting it' mumbo-jumbo on the end. Large teeth stuck up from his lower lip to about the end of his noise which is smashed into his face. Large teeth stick up. His nose. I'd probably phrase that first part: Large teeth stick up from his lower lip and reach to about the end of his nose. Question: is his nose really smashed into his face (if it is, why?) or does it simply look like that? His skin is a yellow color and seems to be all most made of tree bark and is highly flamable. Hmm. I'd suggest using a more specific color in place of yellow (example, "brownish yellow"), as yellow is currently conjuring up a bright yellow color in my head that doesn't go well with the tree bark idea. Almost, not all most. You should probably adjust this to a list rather than saying and twice: His skin is a yellow color, seems to be almost made of tree bark, and is highly flamable. His legs are small and short for his size. His fraim is rippled with muscles even as a large pot belly hangs from his stomach. His frame. I would probably say 'even though' instead of 'even as' there. Abliities:Can regenerate from all most any wound except fire which he is high afaird of. Abilities. You might add a 'he' to the beginning to make this a sentence too. Almost. 'Fire' is not a wound itself--you should replace that word with something like 'those caused by fire'. Highly afraid. Weapons: He likes to smash If you care much about being consistant, add a period to the end of this. Bio: Gark comes from a tribe of high respected wood trolls. Highly. His whole speices is very vain and digified, till the day Gark was born. Species. Dignified. His whole species was very vain and dignified [no comma] until the day Gark was born. Now now now... Unless the whole species is all part of the same tribe, I think you need to adjust the facts of this sentence a bit. I can see how the birth of an ugly kid could bring shame down on one tribe--but the whole species? Come on... If the whole species was shamed all over again every time a particularly ugly kid was born anywhere, they'd probably end up perpetually humiliated. On that day everyone of the tribe freaked thinking it was a cruse on them and they all went into a deeply reliougious period. Curse. Religious. 'Freaked' is kind of an informal word for what you mean here [though I can't think of a better word at the moment ><], and your sentence construction is strange... Here's a grammatically fixed version: On that day, everyone of/in the tribe freaked out, thinking it was [or: that he was the harbringer of] a curse [you could scratch 'on them' here]; [as a result,] they all went into a deeply religious period. They all now worship the goddes of beuty even as they sent Gark out in the world at a eary age. Goddess, beauty, an early age, into the world. These two pieces of sentence aren't as logically connected to me as you've made them; I'd split them up something like this: Gark [himself] was sent out into the world at an early age; his old tribe now worships the goddess of beauty. Personality: He is a gently soul in a deformed body. He likes to feed birds a look a flowers. He hurts nothing and no one unless provuched or freighten.A gentle soul. And look at flowers. Provoked or frightened. That'll take care of most the grammar stuff, but there are still a few content issues to think about. If nothing else--*points to personality*--he's seventeen but that uncomplicated? Judging by other things you said I didn't get the impression that his species was simple as a whole... This is a basically playable character, so just experiment with him for awhile if that's all you want to do--but if you get all picky like picky people like me do, he [his personality in particular] does sound very cliche-ish. I can almost see the scene where the pretty girl discovers that he's really very nice despite the scary face unfolding now... *Wince* and even thinking of it is alerting my internal eyeroll-meter. I'm thinking that the easiest way for you to make him less predictable/cliche/*insert appropriate word* is to give his personality more dimensions than basic 'gentle'--I mean, unless you wish to make him mentally slow compared to others, he could be as or more intelligent than a human. And if he's that intelligent, he's bound to be concerned with more than just being gentle and nice. I'll leave off now and let your own imagination play with it from here--hopefully this is the kind of critique you were looking for *nod nod*. Good luck with the profile ^^
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Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 8:42 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 11:50 pm
All I can say is, "Jesus mother f'n Christ." Grammer nazi fits, and hell, I like it. It's pretty much what I expected though. For the most part, I feel I'm doing well in comparison. Yet at the end of this all, I must wonder what you think outside the many grammatical and structuring errors.
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 12:01 pm
Well, you were warned. =0
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 11:17 pm
.:My Galvan Nova Academy RP Application:.
Gaian Name: Nymph of The Night
Name: Serenity Heeler but no one knows her as Serenity, they all call her Rena. In fact, even her parents often forget her name is Serenity.
Age: 14
Alignment: Unknown
Special Abilities: Rena can manipulate the element of earth and can use water very slightly but she has only seen herself using earth so she believes she can only change the soil. Being ignorant about the reason behind these powers, she refrains from using them.
Appearance: At 5'7" tall, Rena towered over many in her current school. The tips of her black hair when let down landed below her waist but she always braided and inconspicuously folded it, giving her deceptively shorter hair. Rena's fringe covered her eyes; eyes that were at first glance dark brown but on closer inspection revealed dark amber. Her figure though slender, looked more plump due to the layers of clothing, usually black and white (her favourite colours), that she wore. She almost always wore a perfectly-fitting top, a jacket and a pair of pants that were a size too big. Despite all this, she held herself as tall as she was.
Personality: Rena, on appearance, is a jovial and happy person and usually forces herself to be so. But if anyone comments deprecatingly about her or those dear to her, she will lash out furiously. Rena uses her fury to mask her pain about how she is affected. She rarely shows her real feelings because she is scared but that is not to say her face doesn't show any emotion. She is well-versed in masking her feelings with other emotions. Rena is subject to severe mood-swings; at times she will genuinely be happy but minutes later could be in a rage.
Sexual Orientation: Rena is straight but is not really into men. She believes them to be egotistic and arrogant but not with any heartbreak or other painful experiences.
History: Rena lives with her parents and older brother Jake. They lived happily like all other families but her parents worked long hours, so often weren't home during the day. When they were home, they were too tired to do much other than eat dinner with their children and maybe watch a movie. Rena couldn't help but feel neglected when her stories were often never listened to. She began to depend solely on her brother for confidantes. The family of four lived with the minor scruples that are inevitable in relationships.
Then, when they'd gone on their occasional camping trips, something changed all order in the house. The four of them were walking through the bush to explore the tracks. They came across a dirt road for vehicles and after checking to see it was safe, they started to cross. Then suddenly, a car appeared around the bend at a speed that was obviously too fast to brake in time. Rena, being the closest, felt the rush of adrenaline shoot through her body but it froze her in place. Her wide eyes, however, were not on the swerving car but on the soil before it. Her logical mind wished that the gravel were replaced with mud. She willed it all her being, begging desperately for the earth not to be so dry. And before her disbelieving eyes, the dirt road changed into a darker colour, spreading like wild-fire. Her already wide eyes widened even more at the miracle before her. The car came into the wet soil and slowed in the slush and finally came to a stop a few metres before her.
Rena felt herself land on her knees; her legs no longer having the strength to support her. Her breathing came hard and fast. Jake ran up to her and knelt down to her level. He watched her and turned, awed, to the car steaming in front of them. He held her close to him, thanking God for saving his sister. Rena was relieved for the support she received but she realised that four other hands weren't holding her. She turned slowly to look at her parents, standing a few feet away, horror written plainly over their faces.
They all went home immediately and the ride home was unusually quiet. Her father kept glancing at her in the rear-view mirror as he drove through the wilderness. When they reached home, Rena couldn't help but feel out of place in the familiar surroundings. Her parents avoided talking to her about the incident. They pretended nothing had happened with false happiness but Rena caught them staring at her with apprehension often. Rena received the letter from the Galvan Nova Academy but just tossed it into the pile of papers in her room. She felt confident she wouldn't be forced out of her own house. She was only half-right. Her parents never asked her to leave but it was apparent that they couldn't handle a daughter with supernatural powers. Soon after, Rena left home with most of her belongings and left to the airport to board the plane that would take her to "Galvan Nova Academy".
Now that I've edited all mistakes that I see, it's open for attack.
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