*Reaches out to hold the hands of those that need it*
Thank you all for your truth. Thank you for showing the strength to share and for the strength the keep going in the face of uncertain future. thank you for fighting to find yourself and to take some sense of self back from those that have stolen it from you.
Thank you for allowing me to join such a wonderful guild of strong and incredible people...
It takes a MASSIVE amount of courage and fortitude to put yourself out there like this. I myself have served survivors since I was 17 years old and I have never ceased to be amazed by how strong survivors are.
Sometimes it takes sharing to see just what we've come through (no matter what the story is... Remember, you can't compare apples and oranges... we might seem like 'damaged fruit' in our own mind, and even to those that should shelter us, but we aren't fruit! We are unsullied spirits that have refused to bow to the beatings of this world.)
*sigh* I guess it's my turn...
however
.. I lost my post...
crying I ... I finally worked up the nerve to finally share my past and my browser crashed. (I'd been crying and struggling with it for over 4 hours... )
I don't have the strength to retype it. Father help me, but i can't... It's still too much. I looked back over it all and it's still too much to take. I have yet to tell ANYONE all of it... I still have too much held back... I'm trying to heal, but... yeah
I just seem to feel the need to reach out... to hold hands *pixelated* with those that might understand, to not feel so alone...
To tell someone else, "You're not alone... I can relate... I might not know, I might not understand everything, I might not be able to deal with hugs, or touches, but I am here beside you. you're not alone anymore."
Maybe, I need to admit I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I'm actually pretty damn tired and weak inside... that I might be strong enough to survive but I feel like I'm too damaged to do more than that. That even though I refuse to die for my kids sake, I'm almost to done it to really live.
I feel the need to be myself... Truth
the short version is simple...
I was born to a teenage mom, and a father that wanted me. she took me from him when she left him for her ex cause he wanted me.
I was abused because I look like my dad and I am smart.
I was raped at 4 when i was sent 4 blocks down the street to by groceries from the country store. (the teen who raped me had been one of the few people in my young life that had seemed to care about 'me' I still find it hard to be mad at him or hate him , no matter the pain... Pain at that point was a constant... He drowned less that 2 weeks after it happened. I still remember it now but i blocked it for a long time.) I was beaten once i got home and wasn't allowed to eat for 2 days for being late, losing the groceries and getting dirty.
I've had quite a few bones broken over the years, and I've learned that 'scraping' the skin can help even scar tissue to look 'normal'.
I learned to grow strong and hard.
I was raped by the father of my children. He stalked me and used intimidation, and manipulation to get me pregnant. I ran away. He managed to get at me again by convincing my (then) 2 year old to let him in. He raped me again in front of her.
(I love my children... They are MINE!)
My oldest made an outcry at 6.
I ran and took my kids after making sure we were legally covered (although he managed to dodge the accusations... his mom works in law enforcement...)
Ok... that's the gist.
I hope one day I can tell someone ... but for now, I can't deal with any more...
*sigh*
*bows* thank you for listening.
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