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 Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:15 pm
I've been dating a guy for about 8 months now.
Several times he's been violent with me. Each time I thought it would be the last, and that it was my fault. I finally decided I had to end this. I nearly had a restraining order against him before Christmas, but thought ("out of the kindness of my heart") I would let him live his life. Not press charges or anything.
But part of me just wants to be his friend - I feel sorry for the b*****d. Another wants to disestablish contact entirely and never hear from him again.
I don't know what to do. At all.
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Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:34 pm
Trying to be his friend won't do any good. It will only leave you open to be hurt- both physically and mentally. I would suggest cutting loose all ties you have to this boy. (I use the term boy as that no true man would ever be violent to a woman). If you don't want to put a restraining order against him that is fine, but don't rule it out completely. Cutting all ties from him may cause him to go out of his way to find you with motives less than benevolent. I think you are doing the right thing Dixie by getting away from him. It was a very strong decision to make. Just remember, as much as you may want to help him, you must take care of you and your wellbeing first. heart
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Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 9:10 pm
I concur with Blue. Distancing yourself from him is the best bet. His physical dominance over your relationship will make it nearly impossible for you to help him in any significant way without him wanting it. And if he wanted it he wouldn't asked for it or done it himself by now.
I'm glad you came to your senses and put that necessary distance between you... I would keep it that way if I were you. A restraining order isn't always necessary but he's used to being able to counter mind your wants and needs through force. That's a pattern he's already established and grown accustomed to applying. So should he disagree with your decision to leave him it could indeed cause problems. However... jumping straight to restraining order may cause him to aggress also. So I would suggest starting with closing of contact. If he doesn't take the no and continues trying to make contact, even if he sounds civil and apologetic...actually ESPECIALLY if he sounds civil and apologetic I would step up to restraining orders at that point.
It's sound game theory. Symmetrical exchange has been completely shattered and you've been stuck in a situation where the only give and take is you giving and him taking.
You already made the hardest move of stepping away... now you just need to stay away until you get back to balance.
If you need anything I know I'm here for you... any way I can be. I'm sure most anyone else here feels the same.
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Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 11:16 pm
What they said. 3nodding
Blue: (I use the term boy as that no true man would ever be violent to a woman). Although I have both seen and been in situations where I am not certain I completely agree with that part though. Of course, in NORMAL peeple, I do completely agree with blue on that part.
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Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:50 am
Dixie, speaking from experience - drop that b*****d and never look back.
Being his friend and trying to help him doesn't work, he has to want to help himself and do it on his own.
The boy I dated for 4 years throughout high school and some of college one day decided to beat the crap out of me. And I let it go, I figured I shouldn't have set him off, I know he had a temper, I shouldn't have bothered him when I knew he was frustrated. You can only make excuses so many times.
His family was a big deal, we were a big deal with the social groups, "the perfect couple", etc. I broke up with him and the biggest gift I gave to him was not slandering him. I let him keep his name. I let people call me a b***h and say horrible things because I destroyed their notion of a perfect romance.
I stopped being sad and blaming myself and then it turned to anger.
So Dixie, please. Walk away. Get a restraining order if you think he'll come after you. You might want to see a therapist so that this doesn't destroy you inside.
Obviously, everyone here cares about you and your health and safety.
heart
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Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:10 pm
Impresarioz What they said. 3nodding Blue: (I use the term boy as that no true man would ever be violent to a woman). Although I have both seen and been in situations where I am not certain I completely agree with that part though. Of course, in NORMAL peeple, I do completely agree with blue on that part. Imp, I meant that statement with the assumption that the woman is of sound mind and has not done anything to deserve or provoke such violence. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule.
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Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:04 am
Better to have cold anger to deal with these things.
I did end up changing my phone number. Surprisingly he hasn't called or harassed my roommates (this is cycle 2...happened before, I took him back. I was a fool.).
Things are calming down... slowly, but getting there.
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:27 am
smile glad to hear it. smile
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:49 am
I might go to Belgium next week. I got a week off, dont see why i shud stay in england for that....
Its a pain tho, boyfriend wants to come with but finds it hard to tell me when he's free or what his travel budget is, so therefore he pulls out. Idiot is all i can say.
Men, as soon as they have hayfever or a headache, the world has to suffer with them.
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Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 7:08 am
So... the first thing my parents said to me as I walked in the door this morning was, "Do you think you could afford a trip to Germany this August?"
I just kinda stood there for awhile with my mouth hanging open.
The grumpy over-tired part of my brain wanted to say, "Are you freakin' kidding me?! Did you not hear that horrible crying/screaming arguement that went on in this house yesterday between me and the bf about our financial situation?!! I'm just starting to get caught up on my bills and I'm thinking about going back to school even though I can't really afford it, AND I'm trying to save up for a down payment on a house! I can't even afford a trip to Boston, so NO I can't afford a trip to Germany!!" gonk
But then I stopped letting the bitchy over-tired, majorly PMS'ing part of my brain take the lead and said, "Hells yes I can afford a trip to Germany in August!! I'll start saving right now!!" surprised
So apparently it's my Oma's 80th birthday this August and all her german relatives have been threatening to come over here if she doesn't come back to Germany to celebrate it. My mom was thinking it might be nice if all the girls could make the trip with her, even though none of us can really afford it xp
So we're all going to try to start saving up now. I'm thinking I might try to get an extra part time job, then I can keep putting away half my normal paycheck into the house fund and use the part time job's paycheck to go into the Germany fund.
I'm trying to not let myself get too excited about this, because it'll probably fall through at the last minute like all our family plans seem to... but this would be my first time off the continent, my first time on a plane too! Plus this might be the last trip I'll ever get to take with my Oma, morbid as that is sad
Oh man, this is so crazy, I never thought I'd ever get any sort of opportunity like this!!!
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Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 1:28 pm
That sounds awesome Gunny! I really hope you get to go. (:
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 5:46 am
XxxLa Rose NoirexxX That sounds awesome Gunny! I really hope you get to go. (: thank you!! I really hope so too mrgreen
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:06 am
Gun Street Girl So... the first thing my parents said to me as I walked in the door this morning was, "Do you think you could afford a trip to Germany this August?" I just kinda stood there for awhile with my mouth hanging open. The grumpy over-tired part of my brain wanted to say, "Are you freakin' kidding me?! Did you not hear that horrible crying/screaming arguement that went on in this house yesterday between me and the bf about our financial situation?!! I'm just starting to get caught up on my bills and I'm thinking about going back to school even though I can't really afford it, AND I'm trying to save up for a down payment on a house! I can't even afford a trip to Boston, so NO I can't afford a trip to Germany!!" gonk But then I stopped letting the bitchy over-tired, majorly PMS'ing part of my brain take the lead and said, "Hells yes I can afford a trip to Germany in August!! I'll start saving right now!!" surprised So apparently it's my Oma's 80th birthday this August and all her german relatives have been threatening to come over here if she doesn't come back to Germany to celebrate it. My mom was thinking it might be nice if all the girls could make the trip with her, even though none of us can really afford it xp So we're all going to try to start saving up now. I'm thinking I might try to get an extra part time job, then I can keep putting away half my normal paycheck into the house fund and use the part time job's paycheck to go into the Germany fund. I'm trying to not let myself get too excited about this, because it'll probably fall through at the last minute like all our family plans seem to... but this would be my first time off the continent, my first time on a plane too! Plus this might be the last trip I'll ever get to take with my Oma, morbid as that is sad Oh man, this is so crazy, I never thought I'd ever get any sort of opportunity like this!!! Congrats ^_^ Flying is fun, but not longer than 4 hours... Anyway, as a good tip: if you are very serious about this: book NOW. Even tho you dont have the money, the cheapest price you will ever get is when you book it rediculously in advance....!!
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:07 am
And so yeah, Im not going to Belgium either... uni decided to give me s**t-loadsa work to do "in preparation" of semester 2 and have meetings in the meantime.... I honestly need a break....
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Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:02 pm
I bought a new car today. Not new new, but new to me: 2005 Volkswagen Jetta 4laugh
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![[Teh Dixie.]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/99/4d/7c71c07744d99_flip.png?t=1199490373_6.00_10)
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