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Hmm . . . this problem isn't monumental, but it's definately bothering me.

My mother is outrageuos and sudenly decided, "Hey, I'm going to quit my job and move to Tennassee with my boyfriend."

Fiance, actually . . . and she's not yet divorced with her "last mistake" as she calls it. So she's moving and my two half sisters have to go with her. I feel so bad for them. They've been taken through su much crap because of her and I'm sick of it tearing them up. Little Mandi's always happy, she's only eight and doesn't know any better. But Angel's thirteen now and she's going through a lot of changes. She's getting in trouble a lot now . . . not to long ago she pushed someone off something and gave them a concussion. When they asked her why she said she was angry because the boy had said something about her dad and she misses him.

Her father is walter, my former step dad, about five boyfriends, two fiance/break ups, and one husband ago. He's pretty much dropped off the face of the earth . . .

I'm really worried for them. They've had to move three times in the past year, changing schools almost every time. Angel says she doesn't want to go, she'd beginning to get good grades and make friends at school. But mum doesn't care and won't let her stay. I wish she could. At leats I know I'm staying. I absolutely will not go. It'll be another Arizona. Move to Arizona with boyfriend, get hitched in vegas, move back the next year and stirr up a whole lotta trouble.

My mum's dissapointed but says I'm old enough to make my own decision, but still tries to make me feel like crap and pull the guilt trip on me. She told me she thought I didn't care when I told her I didn't want her to go. Anyways . . .

She's not even staying for Christmas which is our biggest little family holiday. We're always together on Christmas, we have traditions, but she's hi-tailing it out of here as soon as possible. I don't know what she's running from . . . or maybe she's chasing something. She's always chasing something. Dreams mostly. Her sixteen-year-old dreams. "If I marry him we'll move to Italy and we'll be able to live in a big house because we'll have more money."

Sure mom. . . . it was cute when I was young enough to trust that you'll come through. I'm sorry, maybe I'm being harsh, but every single thing she's promised me . . . all of those promises have been broken or have been left unkept. She's way screwed up in the priorety department. And I'm not just being dramatic on this one, she's WAY screwed up in the priorety department. Like she left us outside in the car four four hours while she sat in the bar getting drunk . . . she drinks way too much and then says the most rediculous things . . . yelling at my sister mostly. They've been doing that more often now. She'll say my sister is a dissapointment of a daughter and my sister will tell her she's not better, yada, yada, yada.

Anyways . . . this is really just a one problem leads to another situation and what I'm really getting at is . . . what am I going to do? I mean, she might not have figured the whole mom thing out yet (even though it's been 17 years) and sometimes I hate her for keeping her head in the clouds, but I still love her and don't want her to go. I'm going to miss her and my little sisters . . . I think I've finally made the connection to me and my writing . . . usually the mother is the enemy in most of what I do. I never really thought it could all be how I feel. My grandmother pointed that out to me one day when she was reading something I wrote.

I know there's no way of getting my mother to stay, I mean, what can I do? I won't know what to do with myself when she's gone.

Yeah, I've tried already and got an earful. Lots of degrading stuff . . . tonight was the worst night ever. For the first time in my life I actually yelled at her. I could tell she was surprised but she still said the worst things she possibly could have said to anyone. I cried for an hour straight.

I don't know what to do besides give up now. It's not worth it to argue with her if my emotional being is at stake . . . I'm trying to take care of myself but the wounds are harder to nurse because they're from my mother. I hate family drama and just want to be done with it. But I don't really have anyone to turn to.

Sou

I'm proud of you for being able to admit that to everyone else. It takes some serious guts to work up the nerve to share that. I also admire the fact that you decided you could defeat it, and I think thats an extremely brave decision. Still, my advice remains the same as the first time you shared this with me. Now that you've admitted it to us, this could be the first step. I think you should tell your parents and try and get medication that could help to subdue these hallucinations. But if thats too difficult for you to do (which it would be for nearly anyone) I think you should try and seek out help for yourself. This isn't something you should have to shoulder all on you own, and you can't be afraid to ask for assistance.

Yes, some people have to deal with worse things, but that doesn't mean you should have to deal with this.

Okui, I actually really know where you're coming from there. So yeah, considering I'm STILL not over that issue, I don't really know how to help with that.

Oh, Sou, I'm here for you! My grandfather has something like that but not nearly as extreme. He's a veteran from vietnam and has . . . his moments. He doesn't talk about it much but says it gets better when he does things that make him happy. Medetation isn't credible for everyone but it is worth a try. Just clearing your mind helps. I wish I could help, I feel kinda insignificant here. But Kyou and Kichi have pretty much said it all. Do what you feel is necessary for you to stay healthy whether that means taking some kind of medication or not. Find your way of coping. Just know that I'm here for you if you ever need it.

. . .

Mum's gone . . . I couldn't stop her. I know I shouldn't kick myself for it but I've ended up doing so. I can't help it. She just . . . so damn manipulative and I feel like I've driven her away from me because I yelled at her. But I can't stand her bashing my father and stepmother when they are so good to me. She made me feel like totall crap by saying I wasn't her daughter anymore, I belonged to my stepmother. She was like . . . disowning me . . . I punched a hole in my wall and seriously thought about hurting myself because the pain in my hand . . . almost felt good. Though my friend's been through that already and I didn't want to end up really hurting myself like she did, so I went on a run for about thirty minutes to trun myself away from it. I don't know. I guess I kinda . . . give up now. I've tried so hard but I am an ant and the world still goes around no matter how fast I run the other way.

I wrote a song-ish thing about it kinda. . . I'm going to be putting it in my journal so it's there to read. It made me feel a little better, but christmas is going to be hard this year.