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 Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 3:58 pm
Okay. He probably couldn't hold him for much longer without it being weird, so he finally just let him go. He was certain he had secured his usual resting b***h face, devoid of any of the 'weakness' he was so terrified to show.
He ruffled Holden's hair, if only to give him something to fuss with while he rubbed his fingers into his tired eyes.
"I know everyone gives you a lot of heat for not growing any more, but maybe it's okay if you stay how you are. Kind of a good height, I think. You make a good chin rest."
He poured a few marshmallows into his cocoa before cleaning up.
"...You're a good friend, Holden," he said, when his back was to him. Just to make sure there wasn't any misunderstanding of whatever emotion was trying to form on his face. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."
Or, maybe he didn't deserve him.
He was glad to have him all the same.
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 5:14 pm
“Well, at least at this height I -can- be someone you can lean on.” Holden quipped. “Lord knows you don’t give yourself permission to do that often enough.” He gave a soft, maybe a little sad laugh. “You simply are. That’s why you deserve me. Maybe you’re not always sure what that means, but the rest of us see it, we see what’s harder to see, that’s why we all love you, in all the ways that we do. Yeah, sometimes love can be frustrating, and I know it gets a reputation of being soft, but believe me, it’s one of the hardest things out there. Sometimes, letting yourself be loved, knowing that you're worthy of it and that it's ok to be that way... that's hardest of all. “
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 5:28 pm
Jace huffed. "I'd better not catch the rest of you talking about me behind my back."
He didn't know what they'd say if they did, but at least Holden made it sound nice enough.
He'd spent his childhood years wondering what his parents were saying behind closed doors, when he could only make out his name occasionally and a hushed, biting tone. He'd learned not to listen now, but he felt the same slick nervousness at the idea of Holden and Q going out together and talking about him.
...But then, he thought of all the times Q and Holden did go out to do something, and sent him pictures and texts while they were out, or all the times they'd gone out together and still somehow showed up at his house, even if only for a few moments.
Anything Q wanted to say about him, she'd say to his face, and Holden would make sure you knew what he thought even if he had to passive aggressively drop hints.
"You sure talk a lot about letting people love you, for a kid who grew up with a doting brother who would move the moon itself." Half raised by the same brother, though, so he wondered if that message was part of Callan's 'taking care of yourself' package that had just imprinted on him.
He didn't know what to make of Holden's words, torn between liking them and dealing with the shadow of some distant doubt he didn't want to confront. Love was complicated, he knew that. He'd grown up in a house full of 'complicated'.
Holden didn't seem so complicated, though.
Maybe that's why it was easy to let his guard down around him.
"Get your drink and let's go to my room and put on that show. We'll see if you're still saying all those nice things after I stick my feet under you."
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 5:36 pm
“He may have doted, but there was a time I still felt that I couldn’t love me for me, I wasn’t what society said I should be, and we do have some very… traditional family.” He sighed. “So don’t think that this only applies to direct family! Some people have it worse than others anyhow, and sometimes they are the ones who can’t even see it, even….” he stopped himself and huffed. “Well …anyhow, we both know if you wanted to catch anything said behind closed doors you would just have to follow me because I am NOT as fast as you, you… leggy athletic person you.” ‘You may put your feet wherever you like, but I reserve my right to do the same with my hands.” Holden added taking up his hot cocoa and then pausing, the blush -rushing- back to his face. “And…things.” He said, not quite retracting that statement.
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 6:32 pm
Jace's hand had brushed his mug and he nearly knocked it over at Holden's final words. He sputtered, struggling for a response once more, and had to hold the glass between both hands.
"Well. I guess it's fortunate that I have blankets enough for. For both of us. For whatever part of us is cold."
He suddenly didn't know what to do with his hot chocolate, so instead of anything logical, he chugged it all immediately--nearly choked on the marshmallows, and then turned to rinse the suddenly empty mug and shove it in the dishwasher. He shook his head and then gestured for Holden to follow.
"...Hey, this might be stupid," he said as he walked, back to Holden because that always seemed easier when he was saying something important, so he couldn't be afraid of rejection or disappointment. He walked into his room and shoved the pillows back, like making a little nest, and grabbed the blankets up in his arms so Holden could get in easier.
The best view of the television was from the bed, of course.
"But I like you for you. I like you more than I like most people, and I think you're better than most of society anyway. And I hope you love you for you, because." His back was still to Holden.
"Well. I think you're pretty great. And it's a shame that anyone ever tried to make you feel like you couldn't be yourself. Because. I bet you could have made their lives a little better, too."
Because, maybe he couldn't say it directly, but that's what Holden did. Anyone who knew him was better off for it.
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 8:19 pm
“Jace, I like you for you VERY much as well, and … and…” He bit at his lip for a moment. “You have marshmallow on your lip, bend down, just for a moment.” He said and waited till Jace did, there really wasn’t anything more than a faint line of chocolate, but… He did the unthinkable anyhow. Lifted on tiptoe and pressed a quick kiss there on Jace’s upper lip, like he had absolutely no business doing. “There… “ He said blushing. “Better.” and proceeded to try and drown himself in his own marshmallow laded hot chocolate.
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 9:16 pm
Jace crashed. His brain shut down. Absolute melt down. Overload. Combust.
He had turned around, like he had meant to give Holden an exasperated look about him taking so long to sit down; he had wanted to bundle up under the blanket and finish thawing and forget about feeling and then here he was, with every emotion he'd had before, only doubled and--
And, it was warm, but that was about all he could make out of it. The gears in his brain grinded against each other with such force that it was a wonder there weren't sparks coming out of his sneezes instead of snowflakes.
He didn't know why he had complied, why he had bent down. Holden had said to and he'd done it.
He was looking at Holden, because he didn't know where else to look, and it hadn't processed in his mind to respond.
If he'd been able to pay attention, he'd have noticed that the chill was gone, replaced by warmth as blood rushed to his face. He felt like he'd been doused in hot water all over, and it was...
Nice.
He was still stooped just slightly, like he wasn't sure what to do next.
"...Did you...get it all?" he heard himself ask, but he couldn't remember saying anything.
He was missing something, some key piece of evidence that was there, but not processing, and it was clogging up the whole thought process. Something about Holden, something about his lips, something about Jace's lips, something...lips on lips was called something, but--
What was that, again?
What was that called, again?
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 6:33 am
Holden bit his lip, trying to read the reaction. With Jace, it could be…so hard sometimes. ‘M…Might be a little more.” He said carefully. “Want me to try again?” his cheeks were hot and he was clutching his own mug like a lifeline - but he wanted to put it down as well, put his hands to those glowing cheeks and try again. Which was exactly why he couldn’t. Plus it was his excuse as to why he hadn’t just brushed any offending stain away…his hands were full…. Clearly.
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 7:24 am
Jace's brain was still stalled, but it was working so hard.
What if he clammed up like this in the court room? How was he supposed to win a case when he could get so frazzled, when he could lock up like this?
"Is it bad?"
Maybe he meant the marshmallow stain. Maybe he meant the gesture itself.
There was visible uncertainty, treading the waters of--this. This, with no name, he decided, because that made it easier. Safer.
Not that it mattered. His phone was buzzing in his pocket a few seconds later--loudly, almost violently, like his mother could transfer her energy through his phone. It seemed to shake him out of whatever haze he was in and he stood up, hand going to his phone instinctively. "--Oh. Hold on. It's--give me a moment, let me take this. Make yourself comfortable," he said, and gestured to the remotes. He knew Holden could figure it out, it wasn't like the first time they'd put something on in here anyway.
His attention shifted immediately; he opened the phone, and it was like as soon as the line clicked to life, his mother was talking before he'd gotten a chance to get a word in. He made a small noise of acknowledgement and, without thinking about it, wiped his sleeve over his mouth while he listened.
He wasn't looking at Holden; he was just moving around the room as he listened, grabbing a blanket from over the back of the computer chair. For a few seconds he looked like he was going to turn it on; his hand hovered over it but he drew it away, almost forcibly. "No, it was for studying," he said to the phone. "So I don't have to go out today. Yeah. No, there's still three chapters left."
He shifted his weight as she continued, it was impossible to make out what she was saying, but it was fast and pushy, and either Jace had nothing to say or had no chance to say it.
His answers were short, probably all she had time to hear anyway. "Yeah." She must have said something snide; he corrected himself, in a lower voice, "Yes, Ma'am." She said something else. She hung up. He held his phone for a few seconds and then pocketed it, rubbing his eyes like it was enough to dispel the wrinkles he would inevitably develop.
"--I'm sorry, what were you saying?" he asked, in a softer tone. It was subtle, because despite the agitation that had crept into his voice, none of it was directed at Holden and it was like he was making an effort to make sure he knew that without having to say it.
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 1:43 pm
“No….no not bad,” Holden said quickly, the fluster and sensation of butterflies growing in his stomach. The Phone buzzing, made his shoulders hunch, drawing back into them with his propensity at times to try and be invisible, forgotten. Always caught halfway between bold and vibrant and shy and forgotten. Watching the phone conversation was hard as hell, seeing someone be beaten down, blow by blow, and knowing that you could half save them, if only they would let you. Knowing that the sense of obligation had been beaten into them from an early age from someone who… he rather suspected, had to fight for something completely different. Holden bit at his lower lip trying to decide the best thing to say, not what he wanted to say, which would be to grumble about Jace’s mother. But something for Jace himself. “I was…going to ask if you wanted more hot chocolate. Are you going to be in trouble if we do this though? I -will- sit here and read the book to you while sipping hot chocolate.” He offered. He might not understand everything said, might often drown at the tendency of legalese to slip in contradictions and repetition that he didn’t think needed to happen. But he’d read it if it made it easier on Jace.
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 1:59 pm
"No," Jace said firmly. Little acts of rebellion were uncommon and hard to come by--at least, against her. Xander could talk him into some things fairly easily, and Jace had begrudgingly gone along with some of Holden or Q's prodding, but to do something without provocation was rare.
"She got a notification that I had a charge on my card," he said and shrugged dismissively. "She wanted to make sure I was working. She's gone so can't just stop in to check, so," he shrugged and sat down on the side of the bed, gesturing for Holden to make himself comfortable.
"It's really important to her that I make it through this book before the end of the day. But."
He reached for the remotes and kept his eyes on the television as he sat things up, like he was worried about being caught for some mischievousness.
"I finished it before I left to meet you."
But he couldn't just say that. Couldn't tell her he was done, she'd have just assigned something else. It wasn't enough that he was keeping up with her 'lessons' and the courses at DCU. She'd have found something else for him if he'd told the truth. But, he worked hard. He studied, and re-studied, and had learned not to ask for anything he wanted, no matter how desperate.
If you asked, she could say no.
She was the one who taught him to take what you wanted, anyway. And, right now, this was what he wanted.
For all that Jace needed her to like him, to approve of him, to be proud of him, it was more important for him to have Holden there for a few hours. He'd let her think he still had three chapters left, and he'd eat his pizza, and watch something with Holden, and relax.
...He could always make up for it later, anyway. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, and he could get away with this one lie.
Probably.
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 2:36 pm
Holden was delighted, even going so far as to beam at the no, and all the reasons and planning behind it. “And you sometimes question if you’re as brilliant as we say.” He said softly. “Good, good for you, you made time for you, that’s hard sometimes I know…” He was so filled with emotions that he wanted to go back for the other ‘totally not a kiss’ that they had been interrupted on. “Thank you too, for making time to see me, and chill and… yeah.” He said softly and squeezed his mug for lack of wanting to breach Jace’s comfort at such a time.
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:04 pm
Jace just scoffed, as if he were somehow embarrassed by his small lie. "I didn't take time for me. I made time for you," he huffed, like this was an important distinction.
He wouldn't have done this for himself. Even if he had nothing left in him, he would have worked himself sick, worked himself to death, maybe.
"If you didn't have that hot cocoa, I'd pull you into bed. You're taking too long and I'm getting cold. The pizza will be here before you even get comfortable. Honestly," he scowled. "I'll have to teach you time management at this rate."
But, he wasn't upset. He scooted over and had turned on Netflix, everything was set up. It wasn't hard to find the show Holden had suggested, not when it was being advertised as soon as he opened it up.
"Do you want your own blanket, is that the problem? I can get you one," he said, and only just now chanced another glance at Holden. Determined. A little embarrassed. Pushy, because that was what he knew best, and he couldn't have anyone thinking he was too soft.
Even if he was, at his core. For the people that put up with everything it took to get there.
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:40 pm
“Well… you should do this for you, even if doing it for you, is for my sake,” Holden said firmly. “Because I think you’re worth it.” He added. “So if you respect my opinions… then you should feel that way too, or try.” He shuffled to the bed, the socks just big enough to want to escape his feet, and settled himself cross-legged on the bed looking pleased. “There… now you have dragged me to bed, tell your friends…” He beamed, and then realize what he just said and took a long sip of hot chocolate refusing to make eye contact. “Mmmm No… I don’t mind sharing a blanket with you, it….would be warmer.” He added. Yes, that was a good reason. “I was just distracted! I promise, if I had a problem sharing blankets with you I’d tell you.” God…just hand him a SHOVEL!
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Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:56 pm
Jace wanted to grumble that Holden's workaround logic wasn't exactly fair but he was too distracted by being pleased that he had made it in bed and he could put the blanket down. He half tossed it over Holden and scooted a little closer so it was easier to share, but scoffed as he moved.
"Tell my friends? Who, you and Q? I've had you both in my bed before. Why would that be surp--"
He squinted.
"Why, do you want me to invite Q over? I guess we ordered enough pizza, but what is this--I press my luck with my mother once and you're all in? I told her I wasn't having a party."
He looked a little confused himself, like maybe he was wondering if he'd done something wrong. He moved some pillows and scooted a little closer, because it wasn't weird, it was cold. His phone was in his hand though, like he was ready to do it, even if he was wondering if he'd made this awkward by mentioning his mother, of if Holden was worried she might show up now to investigate.
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