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 Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 6:13 am
"They were always lost." he said. "It was like we were separate species, too different to understand one another."
His shirt being opened uncovered the fact that beneath it Lawrence was an emaciated figure who was covered in various scars and scratches, all of them from either struggling victims or ensuing escapes. Once upon a time they'd bothered him, at this point it was part and parcel of what he did. People fought in the face of death. His body was tired, his back ached along with everything else and the weariness ran deep.
Here and now, stripped of his usual deceptive trappings he felt a lot older than he was and the gentle touches from Rodney were a stark contrast, a reverence and respect he didn't show himself.
"For the last few months of my life, everything has been about you." he said. "I pursued you, I dreamed of having you be one of my last victims. You made my own loneliness diminish significantly" He didn't explain why he defined it as his last victim. He always obsessed himself with someone but this felt more significant, only deepened by the strange situation.
"I think I have fallen in love with you." he said quietly, and in spite of the restraint and his own reservations about being allowed to do it, he reached out gently with his soft, clean hands and sought to gently try and coax Rodney into a kiss.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:15 am
"Everyone has a hole in them," Rodney replied gently, stopping Lawrence from kissing his lips. "Killing me wouldn't have filled it. Or...loving me either. We are...creatures made for worship and service, like the angels. When we worship ourselves...it leads to misery. Other people disappoint us. Only a creator is worthy. Not...not me."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 11:09 am
Lawrence didn't fight or resist as he was stopped, simply shrunk back in that resigned way he seemed to passively submit to almost everything. He gave the impression of a man without a single scrap of fight left in him, something which had been deceptive to people he'd gotten hold of in the past, even in the depths of indifference capable of snapping like a trap.
He hadn't had much hope of getting anything from Rodney anyway he told himself, using the thought to soothe the twist of rankled pride and hurt.
"Maybe it wouldn't have." he said quietly. He'd never know.
And maybe Rodney was right, maybe it was worshipping himself, pursuing whatever his body and mind felt like that had led him to this point. Maybe if he'd just listened to someone else he'd be in another place. "I rejected god when I grew old enough to see how flawed my parents were." To a child the closest thing to a god was their parents and along with his disillusionment at their flaws came an unwillingness to commit to any higher power thereafter.
"My father didn't like me and it was very mutual. I suppose where I am right now I worship no one at all."
He took the subtle rejection with a finality, well behaved and compliant with the process thereafter.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:38 pm
"For me, too...but we have a Heavenly Father. Who...is always waiting for us to come home."
Rodney washed Lawrence carefully. He touched the ribs with concern, but continued the task, drying his hair last, before sitting back and taking up the bottle of oil. It felt and smelled expensive, and with this, too, he started with Lawr's feet.
"Usually you would be fasting, for the 30 days. As...part of the process. It helps clear the mind. Not...the first few days. All you can think about then is eating. But...after that. But I don't know if you'd be able to make it until the end. Maybe...your state of mind would be better, having some food."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:59 pm
A father who wanted him to come home sounded like a truly alien concept. His father preferred generally when he didn't come home at all. It was hard to reverse that cold and bitter feeling and have it be anything other than jaded disillusionment. "It sounds nice." and it did. "Sincerely. I want to believe it."
He enjoyed the care, flinching only once or twice when Rodney's fingers brushed scars which had never been touched by anyone else, sending a new sensation through him and surprising him. He felt like an Egyptian pharaoh being prepared for burial with the oils. It was however on the whole fortunate he wasn't being made to fast.
"Fasting is something I do.. fairly often." he said. "I don't eat much, perhaps eating more regularly will impact my mental state favourably." He didn't need to care about any echo of control any longer.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:05 pm
Rodney nodded. "I don't keep meat...you know that. But...I'll bring meals down." Lawrence's skin felt softer, and the smell was faint and warm, like ancient spices.
"I'm sorry," Rodney said, "But you'll have to keep the chain on a little longer. I'm going to tidy the room, I won't take long."
And in scrubbing the room, he was a little rougher, cleaning out the corner grate and changing out Lawrence's bedroll, with some extra blankets.
"We can have dinner tonight. I...whatever you want to talk about, I'll talk about with you. There...isn't a reason for secrets anymore, between either of us."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:36 pm
"That's fine, and I would actually really enjoy you cooking for me." He'd been enthusiastic about cooking once too, but that was also before he'd gotten to the now. "I enjoyed the food you made before." He shrugged. "And I don't mind the chain, I used to indulge in a bit of bondage now and then. I know this isn't the same, it's the opposite of indulging the flesh really."
"I'll look forward to dinner then." he said. "Do you have any books? For the interim. If you assert I should develop a relationship with the afterlife it is prudent for me to seek out the means to do so."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:49 pm
"Yes," Rodney said, pushing water down the grate. "There's a Bible on the ledge. If there's parts you'd like to talk about, we can. There's no particular way you're supposed to read it, but I feel like, when I...pray, when I'm looking, I always end up finding an answer."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 1:54 pm
"Then I'll try that." he said, uncertain about what he was supposed to do but willing to take a chance and try.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:15 pm
"Do you want to try...having dinner together? Down here, I mean, we could read too. If you don't mind the collar. It's different, the allowances. If you tried to hurt me, there's...less I could do. I don't mind the risk, I think...what's meant to happen will. But I'd...obviously prefer...I still value you as my friend."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:21 pm
"I don't mind the collar." he said, having all but forgotten it was there in between moments thinking about it. "And I 'd be happy to have dinner with you, I don't consider our friendship any different than it was a week ago, if anything I consider it much dearer to me with less secret between us. You know my secret that I haven't told anyone else and you have let me into your life in a most intimate way." he shrugged. "I don't really want to kill you any longer any way, at this point I feel strangulation would be rude and not appropriate for what we have."
He smiled a little. "I like the idea of you as the patient warden of my memory, a better version of me. I like being near you, touching you, being touched by you and speaking with you. I feel this sentence is larger than both of us and that there was a narrative, some intention leading to this place."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:31 pm
"Yes," Rodney said, "I...don't feel like it's chance either. But God never gives us burdens too big for us to bare. But this one...I did pray, very hard. I haven't slept. You have committed...a great deal of evil acts. Against the things God created, and against God himself. And eternity is waiting..."
Rodney peeled off some nitrile gloves, putting his cleaning supplies up in preparation to go back up.
He went back to touch Lawrence's hands again.
"But there is still time."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:35 pm
It was hard not to be leery about religion for Lawr. It was always so messy and the people who cared about religion were a certain type of person. Gullible. He looked down on them.
But it was time to shift his perspective in a hurry because he was starting to realise that for all the looking down he did on people, he'd been the one at rock bottom for years.
"I have done horrible things, things that even I sometimes think about. And sometimes you can feel it, like a heavy lead weight in your mind, you can feel that something is wrong, it's like a sick feeling." He squeezed Rodney's hands back. "Help me help myself."
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:52 pm
"Yes, that feeling..." Rodney clutched his own sweater absently. "I...I will do everything in my power. But it's...not all in my hands. Perhaps, also...Lawrence, have you read A Pilgrim's Progress?"
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:55 pm
"I understand. Whatever happens, happens, but I am not about to simply let it without trying." he shrugged his shoulders. "And I confess I have not, though I have heard it referenced in some literature in relation to the canterbury tales. Should I read it? I can read quite quickly and I'm open to whatever you like."
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