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 Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 6:03 pm
What Shiloh lacked in experience, he made up for in heart. He knew how he wanted to be treated, and he did his best to try and treat everyone else the same way if not better, Ian being no exception. The night air was cool against his face but it was refreshing, it was good to stretch his legs. Most of all it was good to have someone to share it with, to have someone to take care of. “It’s not really a sunny island vacation, that’s for sure,” he agreed. Island life had taken some getting used to, Deus was large but it was still finite, its edges defined by the crashing waves, a point of no access. Ian shifted closer and Shiloh, after a quick peek to make sure no one was looking, let go of his hand in favor of slipping his arm around Ian’s waist, pulling him closer. It was the closest he could get to a hug while they walked, and he looked up at Ian, smiling back at him innocently. “Yeah.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 6:36 pm
He felt, strangely, that this wasn't so bad after all.
It was an odd thought, since Deus wasn't exactly the greatest place on earth to be, and if Ian had thought it would be continually like this, perhaps he would have picked a different path. Or perhaps not, he would never know; but either way, there were aspects of being here that made each day just a little better, just a small tidbit easier.
One of them being the figure currently beside him.
Ian felt Shiloh's hand leave his own, and he wanted to protest against the cool breeze that now touched hi palm; but knew the reasoning behind it anyway, and knew that it was one small step at a time. So it came as somewhat of a surprise when he felt, not Shiloh moving away, as he'd thought he would, but instead Shiloh sliding an arm around his waist.
And his heart, for the first time, seemed to skip a beat.
Utterly caught off guard by this simple gesture, and the fact that his chest seemed to stutter, Ian stumbled a little, breaking their little walk. He quickly recomposed himself, his face flushed in the moonlight, and turned slowly to look at Shiloh, his expression half hidden in shadow.
"Shy..." he started to say, and then stopped himself because he wasn't sure where he was going with that sentence, wasn't sure he could explain the odd breathlessness he seemed to be feeling. He looked left and then right, and once he was certain that they were entirely alone, he reached for Shiloh's hips, stepping forward and pushing so that Shiloh would be forced to step backwards, continuing until he hit the wall of the building. Out of sight of anyone who might be looking out their window, and draped in the shadows cast by the dormitory building, Ian pressed his lips almost desperately to Shiloh's, leaning against him.
He pulled away after a moment, slightly dizzy as he tried to compose himself, realizing what he'd just done. "Sorry," he said immediately, and backed away to give Shiloh room, lifting his hands in a childlike gesture of placation. "Sorry, I just..."
He felt stupid and embarrassed because this was not how he'd planned on treating their walk, especially not one that was in public. Despite them being concealed, Shiloh had made it clear that he wasn't ready for it yet, and so far Ian had respected that.
Until now. What was wrong with him? He felt lightheaded, a combination of the terrifying nightmares and the twisting, convoluted emotions he couldn't quite figure out inside of his head.
"I'm sorry," he said again, and there was a pleading note to his voice, galling him. "Jeez, Shy, I didn't mean to...to..."
Ian trailed off somewhat lamely. He'd never felt so unable to control himself before; he was so off balance from his normal calm state, which was making everything that much more difficult.
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:48 pm
His opinion of Deus wasn’t wholly favorable but it beat rotting at home, at least they were doing something or at least that’s what he tried to tell himself. Because of them, people could sleep a little bit safer, right? There were always doubts, always, but much like Ian, he had bright spots that made it harder for his steps to falter, spots that supported him when the future looked bleak. It was something that made the island all worth the while. It made the fight of each day easier to bear, worth fighting for. He turned as Ian stumbled, worried. It never occurred to him that Ian would understand what it meant to him, that Ian would understand the proud little smile that had crossed his face as he did his best to be brave, to be bold, and to do the things he wanted to. Shiloh reached for Ian, concerned that something was wrong, or that he might be hurt, but Ian reached him first, hands closing over his hips as he pushed him back towards the wall. It was Shiloh’s turn to be surprised, his eyes wide as Ian kissed him, the desperation on Ian’s lips distracting him from anything else, from searching for witnesses, from doing anything else but giving in, his hands wound tightly in the fabric of Ian’s shirt. He didn’t push him away. He had to give in, eventually. He couldn’t keep up this charade of pretending he was something he wasn’t, of pretending to everyone else that the reason why his smile was so bright lately, despite everything, wasn’t standing right in front of him. He breathed out softly, leaning against the wall, before glancing up at Ian, who looked just as confused as he did. “You meant to,” he said, but there was no harshness to his voice, just quiet contemplation. Should he be offended, be mad? Mad that the person who had just agreed to be his boyfriend wanted to kiss him? No one had seen, but he hated that if cared if anyone had, that he couldn’t just stand up to the world and let everyone all know. Hell, even Maebe only knew because she’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time, otherwise Shiloh wouldn’t have told anyone, even though he was bursting to. He sighed softly, and slid down the wall until he was sitting, grabbing hold of Ian’s hand and tugging him to join him. “Sit.”
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 10:45 pm
There were two halves to how he felt about dating Shiloh.
One the one hand, he wanted to be open about it because that meant he could be affectionate in public, and it meant he could show everyone who it was that he was currently with, and that Shiloh had chosen him of all people. But on the other hand, he was selfish, and he knew it, and he wanted to keep those smiles, the flush to Shiloh's cheeks all to himself, to be the only person allowed to see that.
It was things like the pink that dusted Shiloh's cheeks as he stared at him in confusion that made Ian remember why it was that he'd said yes to this whole thing in the first place.
Shiloh's voice cut into his thoughts, Ian giving a little shake of his head as though to clear it. "I meant to," he admitted quietly, his fingers curling and uncurling against his palm, Ian looking down at the ground as though somehow this might have answers to why he felt so very strange. "But I didn't mean to break my promise to you."
He sighed, his breath visible in the crisp night air. Shiloh's invitation beckoned him, his warm fingers wrapped around his, and Ian hesitated only a moment before stepping forward, turning to sit beside him on the ground, his back against the wall. He turned his hand so that his palm was face up and laced their fingers together, squeezing gently.
"Look, I know I said I was okay with keeping this quiet for now," he said, tilting his head to look sideways at his boyfriend. "And I meant it. Honestly, I meant it one hundred percent, and I still do. But I'm not..." He let out a frustrated breath, reaching up his free hand to rumple his hair. "I'm not perfect," Ian muttered. "I told you I'm not a good person, so I can't promise that I'm not going to do stupid things, but I swear after this I won't do anything else to make you uncomfortable."
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 3:07 pm
He sighed as he stared out at the night sky, at the dark waves lapping at the beach. Neither of them was perfect. Shiloh certainly wasn’t, rebuking Ian when all he wanted to do was share affection, after all that they had shared already. It was still a lack of respect, at least he thought it was, thought that he should be mad at Ian for not listening to him. But instead Shiloh leaned in, resting his forehead against Ian’s. No one was around anyway. “I know,” he exhaled softly, giving Ian’s hand a quick squeeze. “I’m just as… Confused by all this,” he gestured to the whole of them, “As you are, you know.” Perhaps confused wasn’t the right word. Everything was brand new and exciting and scary, because he’d never done this before, but he wanted to. He wanted Ian and more and more he was starting to think, who cared if anyone saw them? Would it be so bad? It was nice sitting here with him, it had been nice walking hand in hand, it had been nice to slip his arm around him, and not worry if anyone was looking. What was he so afraid of, anyway? If he could admit it to himself… “Don’t beat yourself up so much Ian, especially not over that, over… Doing that,” he said suddenly, smiling as he pulled back, shaking his head. In the end, it was just that Ian was just afraid of all of this as he was, they were both stumbling around trying to figure it all out, and they were bound to make mistakes. And if the worst mistake Ian made was kissing him, well, Shiloh could certainly forgive that, because he hoped it wasn’t a mistake at all. It felt right, anyway. “Or else I’ll really be mad. I’ll have to, have to, uhh… Ground you. Take away your privileges.” He grinned, casting a sideways glance at him. “We’ll figure it out, don't worry.”
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:40 pm
Confused was not a word Ian would have used, nor was he ever really one to think that way. But once Shiloh said it, it made sense. He wasn't used to this at all, which means that he had to set boundaries for himself, and for what he was doing, where he was going. It was strange, and messy, and confusing, and it was as though he'd never really been in a relationship before.
Which he hadn't, not really, if he thought about it; at least, not a closed one. He'd dated others, but the relationships had always been open, had always had the option to duck out and take a break if necessary.
Shiloh was, in every sense of the word, different; and that in and of itself was confusing.
Shiloh's forehead against his at least gave him some sort of clarity, and Ian closed his eyes a little, exhaling a long breath. He felt some of the warmth leave as his boyfriend - boyfriend - pulled away, Ian instinctively staying where he was, not wanting to move too far, not wanting to make more space between them.
He reached for Shiloh's hand, drew it to his lips. "My privileges?" he said, and the familiar smirk slowly made its way back to Ian's face as he pressed little kisses against Shiloh's fingertips, then his palm. "And what sort of privileges were you thinking of taking away, him?"
The teasing was gentle, affectionate. Ian ducked his head and kissed Shiloh's wrist, just like he had the very first time, before anything had ever happened. Back then he'd thought Shiloh was cute and fun and had vaguely entertained the idea of flirting.
And look where they were now, Ian thought, as he lifted his gaze to meet Shiloh's. He let go of Shiloh's hand and shifted closer, reaching out his own to touch the side of his face. Tenderly his fingers slid down Shiloh's cheek, gentle and almost exploratory, as though attempting to memorize the feel of his face.
"You're amazing," Ian whispered, and for once it was without all of the fanfare, without all of the smirking and the teasing and the silly compliments. His fingers touched the side of Shiloh's neck, slid along his collarbone, dipped to rest against his chest where he could feel the heart beating beneath the ribcage.
"Thank you," he said quietly.
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 7:21 pm
“Huh,” he said, distracted with watching him with a mix of curiosity and something else, the warmth pooling in his stomach as Ian pressed his mouth along his hand, trailing across it until his lips met Shiloh’s wrist. Shiloh’s thoughts drifted back to that moment in time, the surprise of it. It had been the first time, but it definitely hadn’t been the last, and Shiloh was glad. “I guess, well, damn, those are my privileges too, aren’t they?” he said, his contemplative face sliding into a smile. “And I just earned them, there’s no way- I guess you luck out this time… Ian?” He looked at him, Ian’s hand slipping from his own in favor of lifting it to his face, Ian’s fingers caressing gently over his features, outlining the curve of his jaw. Shiloh ducked his head shyly, as Ian’s hand dropped to his neck, tracing the lines downward to his chest, to his heart. He didn’t really think he was anything amazing, he just… Was. He had his good points and his bad, and it wasn’t that he didn’t like himself, but he was sure Ian was suffering from some pretty heavy bias. “Hm,” he hummed softly, staring ahead in thought. His hand moved, reaching up to claim Ian’s again, and he rested it there for a moment, lingering in the feel of its warmth. Then he was tugging it, and Ian, into the grass, until he had him wrapped up in a hug, an affectionate kiss pressed to his cheek. He stayed like that as long as he dared, his face against Ian’s, his breath quickened, his cheeks flushed. Then he let go, rolling over and away into the grass until he was laying on his back, looking upwards as if nothing had happened, the pounding of his heart the only shred of evidence. “You’re welcome.”
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 7:27 pm
He was not usually sappy, or inclined towards moments of over affection, but something about Shiloh was truly addicting; something kept drawing him closer, Ian unable to keep the desire of wanting to touch him, kiss him, hold his hand, or just be near him at bay. It had been a long time, too long, since he'd ever wanted anyone like he wanted Shiloh, and the very notion of that terrified him.
He quickly pushed it away, down deep into the recesses of his mind until it was out of sight. Shiloh's hand curled around his, warm and affectionate, and Ian followed him down to the ground without saying anything, his own arms propped carefully to keep from crushing him, his face pressed against Shiloh's.
Ian could feel his own heartbeat quickening, and he shifted when Shiloh did, moving to lay beside him on his back, staring up at the inky black sky. Still silent, he reached over and took Shiloh's hand, lacing their fingers together tightly, palm to palm.
"Today's been a good day," he said. "And tonight's been a good night, even with...all of the crap."
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 7:40 pm
He laughed suddenly, in slight disbelief. He gave Ian’s leg a playful kick with his foot, shaking his head. “You’re full of crap, you know,” Shiloh teased, moving his head to look at him as he squeezed his hand. “But this time you’re right, definitely a good day, and a good night. How are you feeling?”
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 7:43 pm
His smile was wide.
"That," said Ian with a decisive nod, "is totally true. I am very definitely full of crap, which just makes me all the more interesting, I should think."
He flashed a smirk at Shiloh, but it softened a little at the question.
"Much better, thanks to a certain duck."
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Posted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 8:35 pm
“You wish! I’m pretty sure it just means you’re full of crap,” he laughed again, the sound soft, fading into a grin as he scooted a little closer to Ian, just enough that their sides were touching, their hands held nestled and intertwined between them. He sobered a bit, but there was, as always, the sneaky little upturn of the corner of his mouths, the smile impossible to hide as he met Ian’s gaze. “The duck's glad.”
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