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 Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2023 7:21 pm
February 11, 2023 Cadha had been getting old, as everyone and everything did, but at nearly eleven years old the scottish terror had started to slow down. He’d started to show signs of aging, though he’d never gained a single white hair, it was obvious age had set in. Alexandre had adjusted to things, letting him out into the backyard rather than taking him for walks. He’d started making Cadha walk and move around less, seeing as it took the little dog longer to get places, so the little black dog could take it easy on his little legs.
The last few days he’d been slower than usual, a lot slower, and had seemed to be iffy about his food even. He’d finish everything but he took longer to do so, he also wasn’t drinking as much, it had the blond worried enough to bring the little dog to the vet. He’d simply been told it was age - he was getting older. Elevel was old but he could live till fifteen, maybe even a bit longer.
That wasn’t to be the case however. Alexandre had been the first home today, having had only three classes today, it had taken him some time to get the layers of warm clothing off himself. A coat had been hung up, boots left on a mat by the door, a scarf hung up and then he was off and searching for Cadha and Katya so he could get to feeding everyone. Katya was who he spotted first, in the kitchen, sitting on the table staring down at something he couldn’t see.
“Katya.” Nodding his head to the cats back as he went to get water for himself and her, and food for her. He paused when she called his name, her voice sounded off, and he turned towards her and met her green eyes.
“Katya?” Now he was questioning as he moved over to her and followed her paw, which she’d lifted off the table, to where it was pointing. There…on the tile floor. Cadha was laying still and stiff with a puddle of yellow under him.
“Oh god….” He’d sort of felt off around Cadha the last few days, more than he had previously, like something was wrong and something was going to happen. LIke he needed some distance from Cadha. But to feel it and see it were two very different things. He felt his legs shift, shake, as he pushed away from the table and went to figure out what to do. Fumbling with paper towels he got them and wet some, he’d need to clear the floor up, but than he was moving to get a bag for the body. He needed that dealt with first, than the floor, and set the wet paper towels to the side since that was too soon.
He seemed a bit out of sorts, trying to jump from one thing to another but then doubling back, Alexandre was a bit out of order as he slowly moved the body into a bag and cleaned things on his hands and knees. He knew he’d need to wash his clothing, his pants especially, but he got the kitchen all cleaned up. Stripping down he wandered around in barely anything at all, just silk fabric about his lower half, as he wandered back into the kitchen to the sounds of the washer starting up.
The bag….he didn’t even want to look at the bag. The body had been stiff and the shock of realizing things, of realizing that Cadha was dead, had left him reeling and feeling almost out of body as he moved around and cleaned. Now he couldn’t even face it as he went to grab a bucket, from under the kitchen sink, and a mop from a closet in the kitchen, and went to clean up with some proper chemicals. It seemed Katya was leaving him to himself, thankfully, as he worked silently with shaking hands and weak legs. Standing there in the kitchen, in a single bit of fabric, he never seemed so small nor did he ever feel so damn small. He never actually felt tiny, even though he really was on the small and petite side, but he did now.
When his eyes had filled with tears, which had yet to get past his eyelashes, the blond didn’t know but he did wipe at them slowly. Dabbing them away as best he could, rather than let them fall, he shook his head slowly and sniffed.
Fingers ran through his hair, tugging gently as they did so, and finally he let the mop clatter to the floor as he slid down to join it on the tiles. It was cold, he was cold, but he needed to clean the floor and he needed to move the bag - oh god he didn’t want to do that. Swallowing thickly, choking back a sob, he shook his head slowly. He’d finished cleaning, he was sure he had, but he needed to delay the inevitable because he couldn’t handle it. Another swallow and he drew his legs up towards his chest and pressed his forehead to his knees. “********…” He choked out the word as a sob left him at the same time.
Word count: 875
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Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2023 4:11 pm
September 10th, 2023 (Back dating this a few weeks.) Things in the country were getting worse, had been for a while now, and it wasn’t just himself who thought so. It had come up here and there over the last year or so amongst his family. It had started with the older generations at their conspiracies and it had trickled down into the younger groups, as often happened with his family, but it was to be expected really.
With everything going on in this country and this city, it wasn’t a surprise that the many conspiracies which took place ever day at noon, high tea time, contained talks about the issues plaguing the country and Destiny City and what the Evans family should do about things in order to do as they always had done - keep themselves safe.
This morning when Alexandre had gotten the mail he’d seen two envelopes made of heavy parchment with a wax seal on it, one for himself and one for Hudson. Their grandmother had her driver go through the city dropping off letters in mail boxes, a rather large task for anyone to accomplish, and whatever was inside these envelopes was no doubt important since his grandmother was sending them out.
Leaving the letter for Hudon on the coffee table, knowing his cousin would find it, he went to grab an espresso in the kitchen and unseal his own letter to see what was going on. The envelope was thick, so several sheets of parchment he figured, whatever was inside this envelope was important if the size was any indication. The family was, he assumed, being given their marching orders and told what direction the family, as a whole, would be going in from now on.
As he pulled out the sheets of parchment he unfolded it as he sat down, drink in hand, and started to read. Apparently the first bit of business was the schooling of everyone in the family who was younger than college age. Everyone was to be pulled from public, and private, schools and the family would be funding tutoring for each and every child in the family. From kindergarten to twelfth grade they would have tutors for every subject. As he read on he could see his grandmothers reasoning and the wisdom behind it, as he agreed with her on every point she made.
Others who were in college, and university, were being warned to keep an eye out for certain things. If they needed to transfer schools - do so, the family would not look down on it. If students needed to take online courses, because campus wasn’t safe, that was also approved of and permission given. If anything happened to anyone they were to seek an audience with the family head and she would handle the matter along with the families legal team, those who were family members and were also lawyers. Everything was vague, she didn’t need to say things outright, it would be known to everyone what she was speaking of. But it was worded so carefully to keep outsiders from knowing what was being talked about, just incase anyone saw the letters contents.
Laughing as he read over it all a second time he smiled, this was perfect. Their family head was also saying that children in the same grade would go to tutoring together at the same house. Another sheet of paper had it broken down to which homes would tutor which grades. There was also a list of the tutors for each subject. Of course she would include all of that, she had nearly all the bases covered, others were marked to indicate her looking into a tutor to fill the role. This would allow for cousins, second cousins, and others to spend more time together and bond more which would be good for them all, it would allow them to start networking within the family at a younger age.
“Oh, she’s got it all figured out.” Shaking his head as he continued on reading.
It was no surprise that retail theft was on the rise in major cities, even in some parts of Destiny City it was an issue. It seemed that grandmother had the legal department looking into things as well as other parts of the family seeking information on obtaining buildings and turning them into a way for the family to make money. Perhaps real estate and making apartments and condos? She would be releasing findings soon as well as a plan for what was to be done with these area once the family no doubt would acquire the spaces if they were deemed potential money makers.
She wouldn’t just blind buy spaces up if they couldn’t make a profit, her job was to make sure the family would continue to make money and not spend it all away, so she would be purchasing spaces if they could continue to generate money for the family. It seemed like they’d be gaining more money, in the long run, if they played things right which he was sure she would.
Word count: 840
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Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2023 4:12 pm
September 10th, 2023 (Back dating this a few weeks.) It had been six days since the first set of marching orders, as he called them, from his grandmother. This morning another thick letter sat in his mailbox. It was again without an address, just his name on the heavy parchment envelope, there was of course one for Hudson which he brought in as well. Again, like the last time, Hudson’s letter was left on the coffee table while he went to open his own. This time he curled up in an armchair and opened his letter.
Unfolding the sheets, as there were several, Alexandre wasn’t surprised to see the full list of tutors and took pride in seeing both members of the Sharp family on the list. Smiling as he read over the list, every subject was covered at this point, the second page was where the new marching orders were being detailed out for everyone.
Those who were involved in sports, of any sort, where to drop out which wasn’t really an issue. With most children now being home schooled they wouldn’t be on school teams. The university members were being given the same orders though. They were being told, in the letter, that it was for their own safety and to keep their reputations intact as well as that of the family. Well, that wasn’t a surprise to read but it was highly interesting and a nice way to put things, if not a bit dramatic. He didn’t think that those sorts of things would happen to any member of his family but he understood what people could imply or outright say. So he understood the reasoning behind the orders.
He even understood the next page where there was an approved list of certain service based businesses which family members could use, and be safe at, as his grandmother listed each place's information and what services were offered at each business. He was certain she’d personally looked into each of these places, as she wasn’t the sort to have others do her duty for her, even though she was old his grandmother didn’t like to ask others to do things for her.
His cell phone, which was on the coffee table, was reached for and unlocking it he went to the phone book on his phone. A few numbers were removed and new places added, a new place for his hair, a new spa that he could check out. Perhaps he’d go with a cousin of his, treat her to some time away from her little one, it would for certain be a place he got gift cards from for Christmas for everyone in the family. He’d show the spa some love during the holidays and the salon would get his next appointment as he’d need a trim soon, maybe he should see if he couldn’t book an appointment on their website now.
Humming as he did just that he found himself pleased, very pleased, and booked his appointment for next week. That done he added in another new number from his grandmother - a gym. He didn’t go to the gym, never had, but maybe he would if he had family members going. He just didn’t like doing something like that alone, it got boring fast, but maybe with other people around it wouldn’t be so bad.
Word count: 552
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2024 7:41 pm
January 03, 2024 Some would say he was vain, he was certain of it, but he honestly didn’t care either because everything he did he did for himself and no one else. He’d never cared what others thought, even his own family, though there were some lines he wouldn’t cross. Today he was trying something new, some self pampering, as he’d gotten things he’d needed from various shops in the city as well as his own greenhouse.
Inside his bathroom he had a jar of fresh honey, local sourced, powered milk, fresh picked lavender and rosemary. There were rose petals, fresh picked, and other flower blooms all fresh picked. Some of the flowers he’d bought from a flower shop, because they weren’t blooming in his greenhouse right now, but everything was going to go into his bathtub so he could take a nice relaxing soak.
These things were meant to result in nicer, better, skin and he was all for that. He wasn’t getting any younger, and he knew it, and perhaps he also wanted to work more on his looks. This time, maybe this one time, it wasn’t just for himself. Though, as he lit a few candles, he couldn’t help but ponder just how attached Rene was. They had agreed to no strings attached and already he could see them, he could feel them, he kept returning to the others shop rather than finding someone else to take to bed.
There was an attachment and he knew it. He knew he could find someone else, he was certain it wouldn’t even be that difficult, and yet he kept returning to the one place rather than finding someone else. He didn’t even know why really, it wasn’t that he was lazy, but he was just comfortable with where he was with Rene. It was something he didn’t want to admit, it was something he couldn’t allow himself because it would all just end at some point, he didn’t want a proper relationship. He was done trying.
So why, if he was done with the concept of relationships, was he allowing someone to fall for him? He knew Rene was falling for him, the signs were all there, and yet he still continued to visit and continued to help the other. He was even planning to bring a painting of his to the others shop to show him.
So why?
Inhaling the scent his candles were giving off he went to dump everything into the tub which was now full of steaming hot water. More scents filled the air, a concoction of florals and sweetness and it really smelled comforting. Stripping down the petite figure climbed in, slowly, because the water was hot and he did need to adjust to the heat. Once he’d finally settled in he leaned back and let his eyes drift closed, his head resting on a folded up towel so he didn’t wet his hair and so he could honestly drift for a while. He had an alarm set, had set it earlier, so he wouldn’t over sleep in here - because he knew he’d sleep.
Sighing he let his fingers drift in and out of the cloudy water, flower petals moving between his fingers, as he shifted and got comfortable. “Why do I do this to myself, why let it continue.” And he knew why - it felt good. It felt delicious. Another sigh from the blond as he turned his head to the side, facing the wall. His fingers continued to skim the water's surface for several minutes more before his hand sank below the milky surface as sleep claimed him and held him for the next hour.
Word count: 610
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2024 4:49 pm
January 21, 2024 Alex had stayed up many nights, laying in bed reading and rereading the text messages, he wasn’t immune to the begging and pleading from Rene. Far from it in fact, he wanted to go to the other, but Alexandre held back knowing the other was far too attached to him. He’d heard Katya’s questions, heard her asking why he seemed so upset whenever his phone dinged with a text message.
Each message felt like a squeeze to the chest, air caught in his throat, as he read each one and held back from responding. It took effort, more than normally had, with him often throwing his phone onto his bed or the couch or somewhere away from himself before he could give in and respond. He just couldn’t - could he? The other clearly wanted his attention and had not gotten over him, correct?
No, this would not do.
He had to avoid Rene till the other no longer thought of him so much, no longer wanted him as he did. Alexandre could not do a relationship beyond what he had offered the other when they had met - he would not allow it.
Yet even as he thought it, whilst pacing the living room, the blond knew he could allow it…but did he want to allow it. Did he want to take such a risk with himself again? He had done danced this waltz too many times before and every time he was left on the dance floor alone. Glaring at his phone as he turned and began his trek back across the carpeted floor he broke off though and headed for the kitchen. He needed food, he had to do something with himself before he went and responded!
He couldn’t do that!
Maybe after food he could go and see Fiona…he needed a break from being at home where he could give into the temptation of his phone and how easy it would be to respond to Rene, or to just go and see him. He had told him that he would show him a painting and he had not done so, though he had meant to till he figured the other out. He could see if FIona was working on anything and help her if she was, anything to tire him out and drain some of this energy from himself, he just needed to refocus himself and Fiona could help.
Moving about the kitchen to get something to eat made, because he was not going to cheap out on dinner and go with something unhealthy, the blond poured himself into what he needed to do. Never mind how he kept glancing towards the couch where he’d thrown his phone earlier.
Word count: 451
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Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2024 7:44 pm
January 21, 2024 When he finally dragged himself home from Fiona’s, after much talking and painting, Alexandre was worn out and ready for a shower and bed. He was tired, which is what he needed, he needed to be too tired to think and to want to do anything other than sleep…and shower.
Finally he pulled his phone out of his back pocket and unlocked the screen, he’d had a phone call at some point while helping Fiona, and while he walked up the stairs he listened to the voicemail which had been left by Rene. Choking on the breath he’d been taking in he coughed, and choked, and took a gasping breath even as the others' voice continued to play out. He could feel his eyes burning and the wetness gathering, and blurring his vision.
Choking on a sob he felt his knees shake and bend before he caught himself on the railing and held himself upright. “You didn’t do anything wrong..” The broken whisper passed his lips as he shook his head, as if the other were here and could hear him. Rene hadn’t done anything wrong….it was himself that was wrong - all wrong.
He was the problem not Rene, not really, the other was allowed to feel what he did it was just that he couldn’t accept it so that made Alexandre himself the issue and the problem here. But he also didn’t want to fix it…didn’t want to accept the feelings of the other. But it hurt hearing his broken voice and it hurt knowing he’d caused it. It hurt because he wanted to go back to the others shop and crawl up into his bed and spend hours with the other.
Shaking his head again, to clear his thoughts, Alexandre pulled himself up and continued the climb up the stairs and made his way down the hall to his bedroom. Already the tears were streaming down his cheeks, he couldn’t stop them and he didn’t even want to try. He rather embraced them and what he was feeling, his own remorse for what he’d lost and what he’d done. The phone sat on the counter top, playing again on speaker, as he stripped and went to take his shower. Over and over again as the blond fell apart as he washed himself, scrubbing a bit too hard here and there, as he let himself just break.
He was entitled to it every so often and it had been a while since he’d let himself fall apart, and he couldn’t help it either, he just wished this hadn’t happened or rather that he’d met Rene sooner. Why couldn’t he have found him sooner? Than neither of them would be suffering right now. He could only hope that they other would move on from him…but it didn’t sound like it would happen anytime soon.
“Damn it…but why? Why me?” Glaring through the glass of the shower stall towards his phone, not noticing Katya in the room listening, as he sat on the bottom of the shower stall allowing the heated water to color his skin red and warm from the heat of the water. His hair hung about his face, and down his neck, darkened in color from the water as he lowered his head to his knees as he drew his legs up towards his chest.
Rene was, he assumed, looking for everything he’d wanted for so long and had chosen now to give up on and yet here it was being offered. All he had to do was seek the other out, he knew it, but it wouldn’t last…and he knew that too. Why did it feel like there would always be something out to get him? To deny him the happiness he wanted, even when it was as little as he was looking to settle himself for. He couldn’t even have that.
Glaring at his phone he finally finished his shower and turned the message off and threw his phone into his closet and left it there as he went to bed red skinned, damp hair, and tired and an utter mess.
Word count: 686
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Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2024 9:21 am
February 04, 2024 (Back dating to February 1st.) A month he’d avoided Rene for a solid month and every day felt like a struggle, which just got worse with each new day. The regret just kept mounting and his temper was shorter and shorter, he’d actually thrown his coffee at someone for cutting him off the other day. He would have never wasted his coffee on someone, he never even rolled down his windows to shout at people, he was someone who raged inside the confines of his car with his windows rolled up. But he’d been teetering on the edge of something for days now. He couldn’t help but keep playing that voice message over and over again, as he went to sleep and as he showered and while doing the laundry. He kept playing it and every time he found himself tearing up.
Sometimes he managed to contain things, at least somewhat, other times he didn’t even bother…couldn’t manage it even if he tried. He’d ******** up and he knew it, had known it, but how could he fix things? This wasn’t Harry Potter and there was no time turner so he could go back and undo what he’d done.
Alexandre wasn’t even sure what he wanted to fix exactly. Did he want to just go back and stop himself from ever stepping foot into that shop? Did he want to stop himself from breaking things off so abruptly? What would he undo…what did he want?
He was certain Rene wanted more than he’d wanted when he’d allowed this to all start, he had never been more certain than he had New Years eve and so he’d run. He’d run and he’d suffered and the other had suffered even worse, because they had no idea why he’d vanished. They thought they’d done something wrong when they hadn’t done anything wrong aside from care about him, aside from wanting him beyond the bedroom, and how was that wrong?
It wasn’t.
It wasn’t wrong and yet it wasn’t what he had wanted at the moment and instead of explaining, instead of talking, he’d fled.
He could face so many things, put himself in positions so many couldn’t place themselves, could get his hands bloody and kill a person and not have as much an issue as he did with someone wanting him for more than just what he could provide physically. The idea of someone wanting him scared him, terrified him even, because it hadn’t ever worked out. It lasted, one relationship had lasted years, but it always came crashing down and by then he was in too deep and the hurt was too much.
Was it so wrong to want to protect himself from the one thing which could topple him? The blond could handle all the injuries he’d had in the past, they left their marks of course, but those he could handle. They were all physical pain and manageable. But how to manage the emotional pain? The loss and the loneliness which filled the void when you were left alone again? When no one was there in the morning? When there was no one there when you came home?
Katya had bothered him about it earlier, commenting on a book she was reading, he couldn’t even remember her exact words but it had sent his thoughts spiraling and as he shuffled through the living room he could feel the wetness tracking down his cheek, his tongue peeking out to swipe at the passing tear.
What do you do when you screw up so bad you really shouldn't be forgiven? Even if you had, what you thought, was a good reason for it? Because his reason was good, in his own mind, why should he want to open himself up to being hurt once again? Because he knew that’s what he’d be doing? Did he even want to be forgiven though? Did he want to return to Rene to get that forgiveness?
Passing by the kitchen table he picked up his cell phone, which he’d left there only an hour ago, and unlocking the screen he went to play the other's voice again. Oh, how he missed the others voice and missed Rene and being curled into his arms. Things he’d never give voice to, things he’d keep to himself, as he bite down on his trembling bottom lip. He’d hurt him so much and all he wanted, as he drifted out of the kitchen, was to go and fix things. Wrapping an arm about himself, as if he could in fact offer himself some comfort.
By now he was pacing and listening again, to the others voice and it was part way through, tears tracking down his cheeks that he finally shook his head slowly. “I-I can’t. I want to try..” Because he really did. As much as he wanted to deny it, as much as he’d tried by running from the other, Rene was potentially offering what he’d been wanting and chasing after for years. Wiping at his eyes he shook his head and threw his phone before making up his mind.
Grabbing his keys, and his wallet, he headed out to the car. He really shouldn’t be driving right now, and normally he wouldn’t be, but Alexandre wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the moment as he climbed into his car and without waiting for the car to warm up he headed off for the others shop. He needed to see Rene!
Word count: 908
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