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 Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:46 pm
((Ah, I see that we are getting into the thick of things, eh? I love it. (＾。＾)/ Also, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to time skip a day, just because it's easier for the writing. It also leaves a few mysteries for later. <3))
Staring down at the guilty servant with a blank expression, the prince declared quietly, "He shall be executed. Publicly. How about...in three days. That should give the people enough time to make preparations to attend. Take him away, and send a messenger into town, please." Waving a hand, the prince watched as the guards dragged the boy from the throne room cussing and thrashing. Sighing as soon as the door closed, the eldest prince stared at the floor dejectedly, lost in his own mind. He had no wish to know the details of how the boy had helped Kota escape, for he knew enough to understand that he would not like whatever story the servant had to tell.
Beside him, Saburo stood and watched his older brother carefully, worried by the transformation that had overcome him in the days since Kota had escaped. It was no longer an issue that Kota was not around. Ichiro had become merely a shell of his former presence. There was no longer any anger in his eyes, seemingly nothing that could stir his temper any longer. Although it was easier on the servants, Ichiro's complete lack of energy and passion alarmed everyone within the palace who had any sincere regard for him. Even if he was much calmer, it was because he had lost a part of himself. "Brother?" the boy said carefully, wondering if Ichiro would eventually become nothing more than a statue if he continued to have such spells of silence. Every now and then in the past few days, Ichiro had fallen into such meditative states, and it had become a bit of a chore to try and keep him in motion. Hesitantly, he placed a hand on the man's shoulder, hoping that he would be able to rouse him from his thoughts without giving him too much of a shock.
Gasping slightly as he was brought back into reality, Ichiro looked up at Saburo questioningly before realizing that he must have begun to drift off again. Sighing and shaking his head, the eldest prince covered his face with his hands and closed his eyes. He had noticed the change in himself more acutely than anyone else, yet there was nothing he had found that could help him resist it. No one could heal his guilt, no one could reassure him out of suspicion; all of life's subtle pleasures now fell on an empty soul. Finally finding the strength within himself to stand, Ichiro paused before Saburo and stared down at him with a pleading, helpless expression, unable to understand or control his own feelings any longer, lost in the turbulence of his own heart.
Taking his brother's hand, Saburo led him out of the throne room and into the palace's largest garden. Bushes and trees full of flowers crowded around them until they came into a clearing near the center. Sitting down beneath a tree along with Ichiro, Saburo said, "I think you need some time away from the palace, Ichiro. Mother and Father have not noticed it yet, but you are fading away from us. Jiro and I are both fearful for your health and your mind, but what can we do? If you would only tell us, we would happily go after Kota and bring him back to you. I know his betrayal hurt you, but he could be back in your arms within a few days if you would only give the word!"
Smiling down painfully at Saburo's distressed face, Ichiro shook his head. "No, Saburo. What good would it do to bring him back here? It is obvious Kota does not love me, that he never did. It was all a ruse, I can see that now, and it was my own weakness that allowed him to escape. Perhaps if I had not favoured him so greatly he would have learned more quickly what it meant to be a loyal servant." Breathing in a shuddering sigh, Ichiro shook his head and chuckled bitterly. "I had always been so careful. So careful to lock myself away. I was a fool to allow him into my heart, and it is not a mistake I shall make a second time. If anything, Saburo, this has been a lesson for me. If I am ever to become an efficient ruler, I must not allow my heart to guide me. I must learn to be more partial, and to view things with a sensible eye rather than a passionate one."
Touching the bandages covering Saburo's right eye gently, Ichiro added, "Even this. It would not have happened had I been more careful. I promise, it shall never happen again."
Staring fondly into his brother's eyes, Saburo smiled as well, although his was weary and full of wistful hopes. "Brother, I think that Meiko is correct. I believe that, even though she mislead you once in the past, you should reconcile with her and take her advice. It will distract you and bring you joy, and it will reassure both the public and the palace that everything is okay. It will be a symbol of strength and of bright prospects for the future. Please, brother...at least consider it."
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 5:50 pm
It wasn’t long before Kotaro realized how truly lonely this aimless journey was. He could not eat without his Master by his side. He could not sleep without those arms wrapped around him. He missed Ichiro. He missed his Prince more than he had ever missed his home when he was stolen away. There was an ache in his chest whenever he thought about his Master. However, he knew the other would hardly want him anymore. He had run away and now… he was spoiled goods. He was completely worthless, in fact. He felt as though Hiro had sullied him.
However, he owed the other boy a great deal of debt. So, when he overheard of the young man’s execution from some passing traveler’s headed towards the city, he knew he had to stop it. It was his own fault that Hiro was being killed. The other had risked his life to help him and even though the price had been his virginity, Kota could not hold any ill will towards Hiro. He had entered the deal knowing the consequences. He could not have another’s blood on his hands.
But, of course, this was what he told himself whilst knowing the truth all the while. This was his excuse for returning to his Master. The man would not want him anymore—not accept the truth. After all, it was silly for a slave to love his Master.
It was for this reason he changed his route and headed back in the direction of the palace. It would have been a more difficult choice if he was happy with his freedom. However, he found no joy in the thrill of being uncontained. He was lonely and the love that beat in his heart for his Master had made itself known. He knew he would either die or be punished for returning, but his heart told him to do so. He would try to save Hiro and he would apologize to his Master.
He doubted the other man would even be able to look at him.
Over the course of two days, he reached the palace, stopping once at an inn on the way there. The woman who owned it let him stay that night for free, knowing who he was by rumor and believing it was good fortune to help him as he returned to his Master. Even the guards, wide-eyed and stunned—stepped aside for the small boy when he reached the palace and moved slowly—gracefully—into the throne-room.
“Ichiro-sama,” A soft, wavering voice rang through the echoing room. Even as he caught the other’s eye, he felt a shiver run through his body. There were a few men with eyes that seemed foreign to him. One, in particular, looked at him in awe—as though he was an exotic bird. They must have been the foreigners. He went to the Prince silently, keeping a distance though it was obvious he wanted to move closer. “I… am sorry. Please do not kill another for my mistake,” he whispered, lowering himself obediently to his knees before the man. Those eyes… had he caused that hurt? “I love my Master and I will accept any punishment though I know you must despise me now. I am filthy to you for what I have done. I will die if you wish. But please, don’t give the punishment to someone when it is rightfully mine to accept. I hurt you, for that I deserve whatever befalls me.”
He didn’t realize what he had done or the reason everyone was staring. It was rare for a slave to escape. It was UNHEARD of for a slave to return, begging to be punished. In a way, it seemed little Kota was a bird who willingly returned to his cage, He had hurt the one person who felt right for a chance at pseudo-freedom but now he realized that he didn’t want to be without his Master.
“W-what is he saying?” One of the foreigners asked another. He seemed intrigued. “Such an exquisite creature.”
Soft pink lips brushed the Prince’s hand as watery blue eyes looked up at him, dropping it slowly as though he was sure the other didn’t want to touch him.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:34 pm
As he was meeting with the foreign traders in his father's place, Ichiro heard the doors of the throne room open, and assumed there was a messenger from town or another trader wishing to include themselves. However, when his eyes caught the soft, silvery hair and shining blue eyes he'd come to know so well, his face froze, and he dared not move an inch from where he sat, both shocked and frightened by what stood before him. Listening to Kota's speech with an unflinching gaze, Ichiro seemed to be looking through the boy the entire time, as though he couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge that he was there. Beside him, Saburo stood with his mouth wide open and his remaining eye glistening with disbelief.
As Kota kissed his hand, Ichiro's face twisted into a painful grimace, and he flinched back reflexively to backhand the boy, but caught himself before he lashed out. Holding quite still, the prince said in a quivering, furious voice, "You...That servant who aided you shall die, regardless of what you say. He committed treason, and even if you had not assisted him the mere thought to do so is reason enough for punishment. To help another servant escape is as bad as doing so yourself, and in this case worse. Tomorrow, he shall be publicly executed for his crimes in order to make an example for all servants of the palace. It will also serve as a display of my power and control to the public. Rules must enforced," the last words escaping his throat with an almost choked determination.
Setting his hand back down on the arm of the throne, Ichiro continued, "And for yourself...you shall rot in the dungeons of this castle for the rest of your life. Perhaps one day I will find the kindness in my heart to simply kill you and end your missery...but that is not today. Guards!" Ichiro barked, his eyes full of pain and misery, "Remove this filth from my throne room immediately! What were you thinking, letting him in? You are embarrassing me before our guests!" At his order, two of the guards ran forth urgently and grabbed Kota by his arms, pulling him to his feet and rushing him out of the room as quickly as possible.
Once the doors had shut and Kota was out of sight, Ichiro sat silently, breathing heavily and attempting to keep himself composed before the foreign traders he was hosting. Standing unsteadily, he said, "Saburo, could you take my place for a brief moment? I think I need some water." Walking into the back of the palace and into the kitchen, Ichiro glanced at some of the servants and said, "Bring me some tea in the dining room." Sitting down at the large table all alone, Ichiro sat staring as his hands, folded in his lap, for a good while before the tea was served. As he sipped the hot liquid, he was reminded of the time a servant had spilled tea on him, and remembered how calm and caring Kota had been.
Screaming as though he'd been struck, Ichiro threw his tea cup brutally into a wall where it smashed and fell to the floor. Gripping his head, the prince fought with himself as the urge to destroy everything around him welled up from the bottom of his heart. The pain of being betrayed and the smoldering burn in his chest of a relinquished love were destroying him from the inside out, and he felt more helpless than he ever had before. Several servants ran in, alarmed that their prince had been attacked, but were shooed away to clean up the mess the broken cup had made. Standing once more, the prince paced for a bit across the room, feeling himself running in circles mentally as well. Knowing that he still had the foreigners to deal with, the prince did his best to push his personal troubles to the back of his mind for the time being.
Returning to the throne room, the prince stayed long enough to conclude business and thanked all of them for their business. When one asked him about the servant with silver hair and blue eyes, Ichiro flinched, but calmed himself and responded that he was a petty, wanted criminal, and that it would be impossible to trade him as he had to be punished. Once they were all gone, Ichiro said, "I think I need to lie down," and hurried past Saburo and back to his own room, where he pulled out his futon by himself and laid down for a rest in the middle of the day, still wearing his formal robes.
Staring after his brother, Saburo wondered what could have been going through his head when he'd chosen his punishment for Kota. Certainly the boy deserved to be punished, but shouldn't he have been happy that he'd returned of his own volition and apologized? Didn't that mean that, somewhere in the servant's heart, he actually loved the prince? Needing some answers, Saburo made his way down to the dungeon, where he asked to be taken to Kota's cell. On his way there, he met up with Meiko, heading the same way he was. "Meiko? What are you doing here?" he asked, perplexed as to why she would have any kind of work to do there.
Equally surprised to see the youngest prince, Meiko said, "Well, I...I wanted to come talk to Kota. I mean, I understand the prince's decision, but...somehow it doesn't seem right. I thought it would make me feel better if I checked up on the kid." The pair walked the rest of the way together and stopped in front of the bars of the cell in which Kota was being held. Of every room in the palace, the dungeon, which had been built into the ground, was the most sturdy, with its walls built of stone and only small slits at the tops of the walls for windows to let air and light through. "Kota?" Saburo called quietly, wanting to be certain that they had the correct cell after all.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:19 pm
Upon hearing his punishment, Kotaro felt something shatter inside him. Yes. The Prince truly must hate him to wish a fate worse than death on him. He did not resist as the guards restrained him, dragging him out of the throne room. He was willing to accept his punishment… because he had hurt his Master. He hadn’t meant to hurt Ichiro so much, but it seemed that his mistake was irredeemable. As he watched the pain and sorry in those retreating eyes, he knew he would spill his own blood if it would just make Ichiro smile again.
The cell was cold and dank. As he was tossed onto a decaying mat, he winced in slight pain and sat up with a heavy sigh. This… this was what he deserved. At the sound of his name being called a few moments later, he moved silently to the cell door. “Saburo? Meiko? What are you two doing here,” he asked softly, looking at the others with tired, broken eyes. His hands rested against the icy stone, getting a feel for what would be his new home. “I apologize to both of you for the trouble I must have caused.”
He could barely see their faces through the opening and was a tad surprised when Saburo asked him, “Why did you return? Do you love Ichiro?” He was surprised by the blunt tone but a soft smile appeared on his lips.
“For the longest time, I believed to be happy I would need to be free. I have never been owned or restrained in my life. I didn’t realize I was happiest in my cage until I tried to fly away .I am not happy unless I am with my Master. I love Ichiro with all my heart but I have damaged his trust and affection with my foolish actions. If he hates me so much now that he wishes for me to rot here, then I will do so without question. I deserve this and I was ready to accept any punishment for what I have done.” The words were tired—broken. His small body leaned slightly against the door.
It was obvious the young slave loved his Master. He was ready to die whenever Ichiro deemed it his time. “You two must leave,” he whispered. “It is not safe for you both to be down here.” He was a bird who had returned to his catch, only to have his wings snipped off permanently. Without a word, the small boy moved obediently back to his mat.
Days passed. Then weeks. Then he lost count of time. The food was scarce and unsatisfying but he never once complained—never once spoke up as a few guards paid him, the Prince’s tossed out treasure, nightly visits. He felt himself growing weaker and at one point realized he was probably going to die in this place. Now, he shied away from even contact from the kinder guards after being treated like a toy. Bruises and rough love bites littered his body. He did not speak. He barely ate. He simply spent most of his time in a dreamlike state, secluding himself in the darkness of his own mind.
Still, he was sure Ichiro would come for him one day, if only to kill him. He hoped he wouldn’t unconsciously jerk away from the other if the man tried to grab him. He simply… couldn’t stand to be touched. He screamed, kicked, and bit.
He was waiting to die.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 9:08 pm
A few months passed and Ichiro began to return more to his normal self, although he was still very subdued from what he had once been. Saburo spent more time with his eldest brother than ever, and in those months Ichiro had even approached Jiro and spoken to him with kindness. Many things had changed within the eldest prince since losing the first love he'd understood in his life, but many people thought it was best for him. Ichiro no longer had violent outbursts, he no longer hit the servants, and he was much less demanding in general, although just as severe regarding the rules of the palace. Saburo, however, knew that there was still something inside of his brother that had not healed, something that couldn't be fixed with just time. So he hatched a plan, betting the peace of the entire palace and perhaps their entire family on Ichiro being able to forgive.
Over the course of a week, Saburo spoke with Ichiro about Kota, attempting to figure out exactly what the boy meant to him and why his betrayal had done so much damage. One night in particular they spent many hours discussing everything Saburo could think of, from why Ichiro would not give the boy an audience to all of the recent political events which had sprung up so unexpectedly. Sitting in Ichiro's room with a pot of tea between them, Saburo began, "Brother, shouldn't you be happy since he returned? He came back on his own because he cared for you." No matter what he said, Saburo could not see any change on his brother's face. Nothing seemed to move him any longer, and he doubted anything would until Kota was comfortably in his arms once more.
"No, he returned to beg for that other boy's life to be spared, remember? That whore even went so far as to embarrass me in front of those foreigners. It was unacceptable. He obviously loved that other boy more than me," Ichiro argued, refusing to look at his younger brother. Sipping his tea slowly, the eldest prince fell silent once more, not wanting to continue the conversation. He was finished with Kota and the part of his life the boy had been involved in. It was useless to torture himself with it any longer.
Despite Ichiro's pervasive depression and refusal to have anything more to do with Kota, Saburo managed to convince him to come down to the dungeons just once and listen while he spoke with Kota. The youngest prince was certain that if his brother could only hear in the boy's voice how much he missed him and how much he wished he could undo the past, that it would mend his broken heart and everything would be okay again. The only problem was Ichiro's fluctuating mental state. In the recent months Ichiro had been showing more and more signs of being unstable, even though he was not as violent as he had once been. There was hardly a day that passed that he wasn't crying to himself in his room or muttering angrily as he held his head. Even if he did not understand the nature of his brother's distress, he knew that something had to be done before the heir to the throne became incapable of fulfilling his duties.
That night, Saburo took Ichiro down into the dungeons, keeping the guards silent and leading the way to Kota's cell once more. When they reached the door, Saburo motioned to Ichiro to remain silent as he called out to Kota. "Kota? Are you there?" he asked, even though he was certain it was the proper cell. "I need to speak with you about Ichiro. I am worried about him. I fear for his safety and the safety of those around him. Ever since you left him, something has not been right, but...I believe...I believe he may now be losing his mind." Even though he had spoken with Ichiro already about his concerns, the youngest prince still had trouble saying such things when he knew his brother was standing right beside him. "Kota...he thinks you despise him. Ichiro believes that you...you went with that other boy because you hated being with him. I know he still loves you, but he is afraid to allow you back into his life. I know he fears your betrayal a second time more than anything else in this world."
Taking a deep breath, Saburo readied himself to give Kota the worst of the news, hoping that it would be all that was needed to convince him to give a tearful admission of his continuing love and loyalty to Ichiro. "Kota...Meiko has convinced Ichiro to marry. Not long ago he had chosen a bride and everything, but...she died of a sudden illness before they could be wed. She really was beautiful, and Ichiro has mourned for her loss as she was actually a good friend to him. However...Meiko still insists that he wed, even though he is so broken after losing both of you. I fear that if he takes a bride in his condition...I do not believe things will end well like this. Please...I need you to tell me what you think of everything. I am at a loss on my own." Stepping back from the door slightly, Saburo allowed Ichiro to move forward a bit to better hear Kota's response.
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 9:42 pm
Kotaro’s heart broke completely at that moment. He was already so close to dying. He could feel it looming in the distance, like a dark cloud in his peripheral. He was not frightened of death but to hear that Ichiro would marry…it hurt. And it hurt to know where his foolishness had driven the man.
It was like a stab to the heart. For several seconds, he was silent, leaning heavily against the stone wall in the shadows with blank eyes that seemed to stare at nothing. He did not move close to the door where he could be seen, but rather remained where he was. Movement was far too tiring in this state. Finally, he spoke, but not in a voice the two might have remembered. His voice was weak and broken—almost a whisper.
“Saburo- kun, you know very well that I do not despise Ichiro. I made a foolish mistake in thinking that freedom equated to happiness when really happiness is being surrounded by those you love. When I ran away, I learned that I was unhappy without my Master because he is the new love in my life—more powerful than that of my family and my old home. I love Ichiro with all my heart and I love his company.” He spoke in a hushed tone, wavering in certain places—breathless in others.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling salty wetness stream down his cheeks. “His sanity… as for his sanity I don’t know what to do. I would willingly die if it would please him. I’m close enough, I believe. Though it pains me to say it, Meiko may have… the right idea. Ichiro is almost Emperor. Eventually, he will marry a woman and have children—a family. Even if he had kept me I would have been discarded eventually. I could never be like that—like a wife. I could never give him heirs or marriage. This is the nature of things because I will always be a male servant. Perhaps a new love, if brewed just right and nurtured properly, will heal his old wounds. Even if I was released, I don’t believe… I’m in the right state to show him affection as much as I would like to.”
His chest ached with each word and he lay silently on the mat, feeling dizziness overcome him. It happened often. He had learned to ignore it. “Saburo, in the meantime show your brother the utmost kindness. You have a good heart and I am sure he needs your support. You have the ability to light up a room. You just need to recognize that strength and harness it. For now, it is best you leave me be. I have given all the words I can and someone like you should not be in this hell. It is not where you belong. And if you can please just… try to convince Ichiro that I do love him. I always will. It pains me to know he thinks otherwise and there is not much time left…I’m going to die soon.”
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:15 pm
Glad to hear Kota's soft words of encouragement, Saburo knew he had done the right thing. The boy loved his brother after all, and seemed bent on having him find happiness even if he could not be a part of it. However, when he looked back at his brother, Saburo was distraught to find him clutching his head again, and wondered what could have gone wrong. After all, Ichiro had always wanted to be with Kota again, even if he had never admitted it aloud. Saburo knew how much his brother loved the boy despite what had happened, and he'd assumed that bringing the two of them together again would fix everything that had fallen apart.
When Kota asked him to leave, Saburo said, "All right. Thank you, Kota." Touching his brother's arm as he left, Saburo hoped that things would work themselves out and that the next time he saw his brother, he would have the younger man in his arms once more.
Standing silently in the hallway, Ichiro shook his head, trying to clear all of the thoughts racing through his mind. After a while the storm quieted, and he found himself able to think once more. As he sorted through everything he had heard, Ichiro could not convince himself that any of it had been a lie. It was a surprise to hear that Kota felt everything was a mistake, even though he had always promised that he would manage to escape someday. However, when Ichiro thought again about how he had returned to the palace on his own without being captured, he realized that it wasn't so far fetched after all.
Approaching the door to the cell shakily, Ichiro hesitated for a moment before asking in a near whisper, "Would you be with me again like old times? If you could?" Whether or not Kotaro accepted his presence, Ichiro didn't care. He just needed an answer. More than anything he wanted Kota by his side again. However, after everything that had happened and how he had condemned the boy to the dungeon for so long, he doubted he would get his wish. Kota even claimed he was close to death. If that was true, then Ichiro knew that he did not have much time left to make things right. Perhaps he was blinded by his recent madness, or perhaps he felt vulnerable and alone in the world after losing his prospective bride, but something drove him towards Kota more strongly than ever before. He was far from the strong, brash prince he had been the first time they had met. He was broken and fragile, and he could feel his own sanity slipping away every day that he could not find quiet for his soul. Kota was his last chance at regaining the happiness he had once known.
((Gah, sorry it's short. >.> ))
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Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:41 pm
When Kotaro heard his Master’s voice, he wanted to cry. He thought he was hallucinating again—that it was another heartless delusion that had ingrained itself into his brain. His small body quivered in fear at the thought of being touched but his heart yearned to be loved. “Y-yes Master,” he whispered softly. “I-if I could, I would do anything to be with my Master again like old times.” He clung desperately to the mat he lay on, shivers running over his body as soft sobs threatened to wrack his frame. “B-but Master. You wouldn’t want me as we were before. I’m worthless now—used and filthy.”
He felt as much. They had lessened his food because he had gotten frightened of them and wouldn’t let them play with him. They hit him and beat him because he was worthless and always cowered from their touch. He was even cowering from his Master’s shadow, even though he loved the man. As that door creaked open and a ray of light finally fell over his thoroughly-battered and emaciated body, he felt a deep sense of shame. He was not worth his Prince’s time. The man would do better just to kill him and be done with it.
Yes. That seemed about right. Surely Ichiro would see his present state and kill him to put him out of his misery. He was not worth keeping alive, after all. This was truly what Kotaro believed. His long hair had grown back and he was far too thin. His blue eyes almost seemed lifeless—looking right through Ichiro as he unconsciously quivered and scooted away from the man—like an abused kitten struggling to hide itself. He wondered briefly if he could should cover the marks on him—lest they disgust or offend the man before him.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:32 am
Hearing Kotaro's soft voice for the first time in months, Ichiro could no longer hold himself back. He signaled to one of the guards to open the door for him, wanting to be with Kota and to remove him from that filthy place. "Kota...forgive me," he pleaded, fighting back sobs which he knew would only make him seem weaker than he already did. Shaking his head, he forced himself to take the first few steps into the cell, but kept a distance of just a few feet. The guards had warned him that Kota had become averse to contact, and although Ichiro longed to hold the boy in his arms once more, he did not wish to deal any more damage to Kota than he already had.
When Kota was finally visible to him, Ichiro covered his mouth with his sleeve and stared on in repulsed horror. The boy who had been so lively and bright was as much as shadow of himself as Ichiro was. Knowing that whatever pain Kota had endured there was his own fault, Ichiro almost felt as though he needed to be punished as well. Sitting down on his knees just a few feet from Kota's mat, Ichiro watched the boy sadly, remembering the happier times they had shared together. "Kota...forgive me. I had you locked away in here because I believed that...what you did with that other servant...I thought it was because you hated me. I couldn't understand why you would go that far to escape unless you wanted to be as far away from me as possible.
"But...whatever your reasons were, if you really do regret it, then please...come back to me. I do not care if you are used...I am as well. It was something I never told you, and not something I think should be discussed right now, but if you'd like I will tell of it someday. Just know...that I am just as filthy, if not more so...than you." Wrapping his arms around himself, the prince sat in silence after he had finished speaking, memories of the past racing through his mind. He hoped that Kotaro would be more apt to return to him if he knew that they were on the same level as far as being used so roughly. "Kotaro...I love you no matter what you are. I need you more than anyone else in the palace. You were the first person other than my family who found their way into my heart, and now that you are gone it is as if you have taken that part of my heart with you. Whatever you want me to do for you, I will. Anything you want. Just...please...return to me."
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 9:37 am
Kotaro looked up at his Master as the man spoke in a wavering tone. Without a word, he forced himself to swallow his aversion to contact, quivering as he used the last of his strength to pull himself into the man’s arms, resting his head against the other’s shoulder.
It was difficult… but this was what he needed. There was warmth to Ichiro’s touch. “I love you and don’t ask my forgiveness. I deserve this for what I have done. I will be by your side… until you grow tired of me… and even then I will always be watching. I want to return to my Master.” The words were spoken shakily and suddenly Kotaro found himself seeing spots of darkness as he passed out against the one-powerful prince.
He awoke to the feel of soft material caressing his skin and a cleanliness kissing his body that he could not recall experiencing in months. A large shadow seemed to be looming ominously over him. He didn’t know who it was—everything was foggy. However, the blob tilted up his chin and slowly fed him a warm, broth liquid that seemed hot all the way down his throat. He drank it obediently, soft blue eyes dimmed in submission. He was too weak to fight.
“He will need to stick to foods that are light enough for his stomach. You may slowly resume giving him more solid food in a week,” the blob grumbled to someone else. “Another day or so in that condition and he would have surely died. It’s a good thing you brought him up when you did. As for the bruises and lacerations, I have applied a salve that will fix them up. Don’t worry. You’ll have your little Kotaro back to himself eventually.”
Kotaro whimpered softly in slight pain and lay back against the comfortable futon beneath him, closing his eyes and letting himself fall back into darkness now that his stomach was full. It was only a few days later that the boy awoke before the brief episode of feeding time. He looked around curiously—not quite strong enough to move far yet. It was breaking dawn and he noticed a lone figure on the mat near his own.
He blinked when he caught a glimpse of his Master’s hair and crawled to him, leaning down to kiss those thin lips tenderly. “Master,” he whispered, touching that regal face in a delicate manner. “Master, I love you.” He sighed and rested his head against the other’s chest, deciding he would wait patiently until the man woke, letting himself be wrapped in powerful arms. It was okay as long as it was his Master.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:29 pm
Waking slowly that morning, Ichiro blinked his eyes a few times before noticing Kota was lying there next to him. Surprised to see the boy in his arm's once again, Ichiro hugged him gently, happy to be together once more. "Good morning, Kota," he whispered sweetly, almost unable to believe that they were both actually there. Sitting up and holding Kota in his arms carefully, Ichiro looked down at the smaller man with a kind smile. "It's so wonderful to have you back again. You look like you're still pretty weak, so I just want you to rest for today, but I'll be here to look after you at least. So...how about some breakfast?"
Laying Kota back down on the tatami, Ichiro changed out of his night robes and into the day's kimono quickly. "You shouldn't try to move too much, okay? So, just let me grab breakfast for you. I'll get one of the servants to mix up some hot rice porridge. It'll go down smooth...which is what the doctor recommends. When you can...If you see him around, you should thank him. He really saved your life. When he was helping me nurse you back to health...he said...he said you wouldn't have lasted much longer down there. So...we both owe him a debt of gratitude." Falling silent and hesitating at the door, Ichiro seemed to drift off for a few seconds before saying, "I'll be back quickly. Just rest for now."
Making his way down to the kitchen, Ichiro felt the warmth returning to his heart now that Kotaro was feeling better. It wasn't much, but every little bit reassured him that Kota would make a full recovery. Asking the servants in the kitchen to make something for Kota and for himself, the prince waited in the dining room rather than staring over their shoulders while they worked. Oddly enough, everyone had become much more comfortable around him since Kota had returned, although he wasn't certain why. Perhaps they could sense that his heart had softened considerably, but he couldn't be sure. When he saw a servant girl walk out with a tray of food, Ichiro stood and walked back to his room with her, smiling all the way.
When he returned, Ichiro said, "Kota? I've brought breakfast." Taking the tray and thanking the girl, Ichiro kneeled down beside the futon and set the food beside him. In the days that Kota had been floating between unconscious and delirious, he had gotten quite used to feeding Kota, and wondered if the boy still lacked the strength to eat on his own. Not wanting to take any chances, Ichiro took the boy in one arm and raised him just enough that he could eat properly, taking a spoon in the other hand. "Let me know if it's too hot," he suggested, knowing that everything was still fresh. However, after just the second spoonful, he heard the door open, and looked over to see Meiko watching with a mix of amusement and disapproval. Smiling at her and sensing her intentions, Ichiro said to Kota, "I'll be back in just a minute. I promise." Laying the boy back down and replacing the spoon in the bowl, Ichiro stood and followed Meiko out of the room, being certain to close the door tight behind them.
Once the pair were alone in the hall, Meiko began before the prince could even ask what she wanted. "I think you're making a mistake choosing him over a wife," she said, folding her arms across her chest and watching the prince doubtfully. "You are the successor to the throne. Some day you're going to need an heir of your own. Kotaro cannot provide that for you. As much as I am relieved to see you feeling better, I feel that your obsession with that boy has caused you to lose sight of more important things."
Shaking his head and smiling, Ichiro couldn't help but disagree with her. "Meiko, I will always have heirs to choose from. A nephew, or perhaps a child of nobility whose parents are unable to deal with him...there are certainly many fine choices in the world without me having to create my own. Please...do not let this bother you. And do not bother me with it again. Honestly, I am tired of hearing your lectures. You believe you understand what it will take for me to be a great ruler, but you forget your place. You are the last surviving heir to a branch family, Meiko. It is nothing special." Turning his back on the younger woman, Ichiro returned to his room, eager to continue spending his time with Kota, the one he really cared about.
"Sorry about the interruption," he said, kneeling back down and taking Kota in one arm. "Meiko and I needed to talk about something." Picking up the spoon once more, Ichiro fed Kota until he was full, and then laid him back down carefully. Picking up a bowl of his own breakfast, Ichiro asked, "Is it boring to just rest all of the time? I couldn't imagine just doing nothing all day. So...what would you like to do? The least I can do is provide you with a little entertainment until you're able to walk again. I could read you another book, or...we could just...talk?" Although he feared what kinds of topics they would stray to if they simply sat and talked, Ichiro felt that Kota had a right to ask whatever he liked. After all, ichiro had put the boy through so much pain, even if he said he deserved it. It would be a simple way of repaying him and of letting him know how much he meant.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:20 pm
It was nice, Kotaro realized, to be attended to by the person he loved. He sighed softly as the Prince returned to the bed, relaxing against that warmth as the other lifted him up just slightly. He wondered briefly how long his Master had been feeding him like this without him knowing and leaned against the Prince’s solid chest, taking spoonful by spoonful of tasty porridge into his mouth obediently.
“Master…” he whispered, nuzzling happily into the man’s chest. “I-I’m so happy to be held by you again—” It was at that moment, he caught sight of Meiko. Her disapproving gaze made something freeze within him. His blood ran cold and a chill crept up his spine. He whimpered softly as his Master set him down, knowing inwardly what they were going to discuss.
What could he possibly offer the Prince that a wife wouldn’t be better-suited for? He didn’t want to lose Ichiro so quickly after returning to his powerful arms. He knew his heart would simply shatter if that happened. So, watching the other leave, he curled up into a ball and silently awaited his return.
When the man reentered the room, Kotaro felt a bit of happiness flutter in his chest upon seeing the man. He purred in delight and nuzzled against Ichiro’s chest as the other scooped him up with one arm. However, at the Prince’s explanation, his heart sank again. It was a brutal reminder of a fact that he was trying to ignore. His eyes visibly filled with sadness and pain, shining slightly.
“Ichiro-sama and Meiko-chan… were discussing Master’s marriage?” he questioned softly with a quivering voice, closing his eyes to hide the hurt. “You are going to be the Emperor soon. It is only natural you would have a beautiful wife by your side.”
He sighed heavily as he spoke, looking up into those eyes with determination. “But even if you have little use for me in the future with your new wife around I will forever still remain at your side. I will always be a companion to you and I will never run away from you again, even if it means… seeing you love someone else.”
He lapped up the last spoonful with his tongue and looked into those piercing eyes, leaning up with a good portion of his limited strength to kiss those thin lips chastely. “Because I love you.”
He tilted his head to the side and considered the suggestions. He knew, in the bottom of his heart, that they needed to talk. He sighed and smiled faintly. “I would like to talk, especially about everything that has transgressed. I know you have undergone quite a great deal of pain in your past but I don’t want to stray to something that will make you feel uncomfortable. I truly am curious to know what happened to dear Saburo’s eye.”
He laced their fingers together, looking up at the other with the utmost love and affection. “After we talk it would be nice to read later. I can only promise on my part that from now on I will be the perfect servant I can to you while still being entirely myself.”
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:02 pm
Ichiro immediately noticed the pain in Kotaro's eyes when he guessed what the two of them had been talking about. Although Ichiro was surprised to hear Kota bring it up, he realized quickly how obvious it must have been. His father was aging, and he was reaching his peak himself. Soon, he would be expected to take a wife of a respectable sort, a noble's daughter or a foreign princess. However, in the time Kota had been away, Ichiro had found the only bride in the world who would have done for him. She was the eldest daughter of the second richest family in Japan. Of all the women Ichiro had ever seen, she'd had the most beautiful; long, straight, black hair, and her eyes shone with a giddy intelligence unsurpassed by any other. However, most of all, Ichiro had appreciated the fact that she had understood him. When they spoke, Ichiro knew she was something special. She understood how different he was from normal men, and she seemed ready to accept that.
Shaking his head, Ichiro cleared his thoughts of the woman and focused again on Kota, frowning when the boy gave him his blessings to get married. "Kota, I don't want to get married," Ichiro confessed, hoping that the boy would understand just as the woman had. "I had my chance at marriage, and lost the only woman in Japan fitting to me. However...perhaps it was fate. I lost her, but regained you. And now that you are safely in my arms once more, I never want to let you go again. I don't care if I go down in history as the emperor who never married, as the emperor who kept a servant boy instead of a wife. I want you to be by my side just as you promise, but I want you to be the only one there." Kissing Kota's forehead, the prince sighed and smiled, content with his confession and merely praying Kota would accept his wishes.
Knowing that they would eventually need to talk, Ichiro was happy to have it out of the way sooner rather than later. "Okay, but you're going to need to rest as well. Give me a second." Laying Kota back down on the futon, Ichiro went into the hall and signaled to some servants before whispering their instructions to them. A minute later they returned with various cushions, and with their help Ichiro arranged a comfortable yet sturdy pile which Kota could lay back on while still almost sitting. Dismissing them and making certain the door was closed completely, Ichiro retook his place by Kota's side and clenched his fists on his knees slightly. It seemed that Kota wanted recent history first. "It is fine. You deserve to know what happened in your absence. I will try not to leave anything out."
"As for Saburo's eye...the short of it is that we caught the man who had been killing the servants. One of the slaves who had been brought to us as a present by a noble had not been born in captivity. In fact, he had only recently been captured, much like yourself when you were first brought to the palace. However, unlike you, this man was...unstable mentally. Not in the same way I was not long ago, mind you. He was...a monster," Ichiro muttered, remembering using the word to describe himself the time he had beaten Kota. "It actually happened rather soon after you must have left. There was disquiet in the palace after Saburo informed me that you were missing. There was a thorough search of the premises, but that meant fewer guards protecting the family. While the guards were distracted and Saburo was alone, he...I think he meant to kill him.
"From what Saburo said, he was in his own room after taking a bath. He was preparing to read when that servant attacked him from behind." Clenching his eyes closed, Ichiro imagined everything that Saburo had described to him and the doctor. "The man grabbed him and covered his mouth. Saburo managed to struggle out of his grip, but the man pulled out a sword. Saburo...he's young, but he's smart," Ichiro said with a dry chuckle, glancing into Kota's eyes as he spoke. "He grabbed a metal bookmark he had in his room and tried to fight back, but only scratched the man. The servant had a knife, and he struck at Saburo wildly. Saburo tried to dodge, but...the man hit his eye. Even though he couldn't see as well, Saburo managed to stick the bookmark into the man's mouth, and when he fumbled and dropped his knife, Saburo grabbed it and stabbed him.
"After that, Saburo just started screaming until some of the guards found him and brought him to the doctor. I was with our parents at the time, discussing your escape when a guard came in to tell us what had happened. We all rushed to his side, and the doctor said he would live. Unfortunately...he lost that eye. There was no way to repair it, apparently. The sad part is...it might ruin his dream of being a calligrapher. He can't write properly anymore, so it's even more difficult to paint. It's been hard on him." Falling silent for a few moments, Ichiro eventually looked back up at Kota and smiled. "I'm just glad I didn't lose either of you, in the end. Even if he won't be a famous calligrapher, he is still my brother. Honestly...I don't think I would have made it through the trauma of losing you had he not been a voice of reason in my ear through it all."
Not wanting Kota to think their misfortune was related too closely to his escape, Ichiro hastened to add, "Other than that, nothing has really been happening recently. Jiro got himself a companion as well, although...I've never seen anything like the boy. He's from another country and he doesn't speak our language, but...maybe you would like to meet him once you're well." Remembering his promise to Kota when they had been in the dungeon together, Ichiro hesitated and wondered if the boy even remembered what he had said to comfort him. "So...was there anything else you wanted to know about? Anything...you've ever wanted to ask?" Even if he didn't want to bring it up explicitly himself, Ichiro did not want to deny Kota anything now that they were together once more.
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Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:42 pm
At the words that first escaped Ichiro’s lips, the tiny slave found himself reeling in shock. The man… did not want to marry? The very thought stunned him. However, it also eased something that had tightened itself in his chest. Ichiro truly did love him, and he would respect the man’s wishes. He would happily stay by the other’s side, though he was not sure how the Prince’s parents would react to such news.
“I will accept this. You have made me happier than you could ever understand, my Master. I will work hard to keep you happy and love you with all I have.” It was a sweetly-spoken promise—one that seemed embedded with proof. “Though I suppose many will hate me for being the thing that keeps you from pursuing a wife. I will simply have to be such good company that they will see your happiness and not speak as ill of me.”
Kotaro listened to the story of Saburo’s eye with growing horror, eyes widening with shock and something akin to guilt. If he had never left, Saburo might have been properly guarded. The mere thought made his heart seize in his chest. Sighing shakily, the silver-haired boy looked up at his Master with shameful eyes.
“If I had not been foolish enough to run away, this never would have happened. To think I could have prevented all of this if only I had realized the depth of my own feelings. A ran like a foolish stubborn child and because of that, dear Saburo was placed in the position to be injured, I will have to see him eventually. He was becoming a friend I would cherish before I left. Even when I was locked away, he would visit me at times.”
The servant leaned heavily back on his comfortable cushions, feeling those eyes on him as the other asked if there was anything else he would like to ask. At that, the small boy laced their fingers together affectionately, giving that large hand a squeeze.
“I have soiled myself willingly once by allowing someone I didn’t love into my body. I let a stranger take my first time for a foolish chance of escape. It should have been you. I knew that in my heart then and I know it now. It should have been you to deflower me. Afterwards, the guards repeatedly took advantage of me. You spoke… of being dirtied perhaps more than myself in the past. If it is not too hard for you, I would like to hear. I want to know what pain the person I love had endured.”
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 4:26 pm
Relieved to hear that Kota would honor his wishes, Ichiro added, "And I shall rule so perfectly that no one could ever blame a fault of this country on you. No matter what people say, I will gladly take all of their hatred and suspicion before I allow them to speak ill of you. Do not think that you are keeping me from a wife. You are the only one I want." Even though there would eventually be the matter of finding an heir and a constant dislike for them as a couple by anyone who was a traditionalist, Ichiro was not afraid. His entire life he had fought to make himself respected and feared, and that was how he planned to continue living his life. Whether or not others approved, so long as he had Kota's love, nothing was more important.
Touching Kota's face gently with one hand and holding on to his small fingers with the other, Ichiro said, "No, not at all. Saburo would not want you to think that way either. It may have happened no matter what. We will never know what the man's motives were for targeting Saburo that night, but you cannot predict a madman's actions. For all we know, he would have gone after Saburo sooner or later. We should just be glad that Saburo is still alive. There are more important things to being a complete person than having all of your pieces together." Shifting his sitting position, Ichiro stayed as close to Kota as he could without being imposing, unable to think of much other than having Kota again. It seemed as though their time apart had been equally painful for the both of them, and Ichiro hated himself for not taking Kota back the instant he had returned to the palace.
Nodding, Ichiro said, "It is fine. I feel this is something you should know about, regardless of how it makes me feel. I just hope it does not make you uncomfortable to think about. To start, I suppose I have a confession to make. I'm not sure if you ever realized it or not, but I've always been rather...promiscuous. Not such a bad thing for a man and not terribly uncommon. However...I've only ever been with a woman once, and I wasn't even alone with her." Blushing as he spoke, Ichiro felt rather flustered for the first time he could remember. It wasn't as though he was ashamed of what he'd done, but something about having to say all of it out loud was awkward. "I admit, I don't know how many people you've been with while you were away from me, but...I'm still willing to bet that I've been with even more men than you."
For once, Ichiro was not bragging about his conquests, but rather confessing them. Even though it had all happened before he'd even met Kota, he could not shake the feeling that he had ruined himself in the past. Despite being a prince, he knew he was filthy, perhaps even more so than Kota. "Usually it would be noble's sons, although sometimes I would take the nobles themselves if they were young and handsome enough. The other men at the centre as well...they were all fair game to me. I wasn't always on the receiving end, mind you," the prince cautioned, wanting to make it clear that he still commanded respect despite being so free. "People fear me to some degree, but they often admire me as well. Although I have never used it for profit...I have often spent my time with other gentlemen of privilege."
Thinking for a moment, Ichiro continued, "However...I want to tell you something about my first time. It was...He was one of my father's most trusted generals. As a young man I always looked up to him above all of the others. Saito Akira, that was his name, stood a head above all of the others, and none could match him for strength. However, more than wanting to be him...I wanted to be with him. I had a crush on him, probably my first and only crush ever. I was only 14, but...I knew what I wanted. One night, after there had been a celebration, I came to his room and seduced him. Even though I could sense it was wrong, even though he knew it was wrong...we both let it happen. I don't want to say much else about it except that...he killed himself.
"Just a few weeks later, Saito-san killed himself. No one knew why, except for me. Everyone suspected he feared growing old and being unable to perform in battle as he always had, or that he had disgraced himself in some way and didn't wish for it to tarnish the army's name. I have no proof other than his expression of regret at what we'd done, but I've always known in my heart that I was the reason he killed himself." Staring at his knuckles angrily, Ichiro explained, "That's why I've always tried to be so distant, and probably why I started sleeping around. I didn't want to become so attached that it would hurt to lose someone, and at the same time I didn't want to have to think about who I spent my time with. In hindsight, it was a horrible mistake."
Looking over at Kota sadly, the prince asked, "Does this lower me in your eyes? I have never cared before whether or not my record bothered someone, but...I love you more than anyone else in the world. If you dislike me for what I have done, I cannot blame you. Also, I've never told anyone of Saito-san before. Please, if nothing more, you must keep my secret. I only told you because I love you, and I don't want to hold anything back."
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