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That's perfectly alright too Saew smile They certainly do brighten my days

<3 Falcor


It's hard to explain... I guess the new back treatment decompression thing seems more bogus every time I go. The doctor I had the consultation with isn't even there 90% of the time either and it's just this guy named Mitch who is pretty condescending (and I think he was high once... which typically I have no problem with...unless you're on the job which he was). I'm still giving it a chance but... it doesn't look as promising as it once did.

Then my new therapist who I thought was really awesome... turned out not to be very awesome on my second visit. All he's done is push his group courses and barely helped. I've been having very bad anxiety attacks and very bad suicidal-altered-states lately and since I hadn't had one in the week since my last appointment (though I had a really bad bout last night) he doesn't really take it seriously anymore. Since I've done my own reading and researching on boundaries he's just assuming I now what I'm talking about and doesn't say much when I was telling him of the family issues I have as well. Which if I knew exactly what to do, I wouldn't have gone to him in the first place. And I told him that but... I guess it didn't really stick. All thought of cognitive therapy has gone out the window.

Plus I am legitimately worried about my perception of time. It's sometimes scary how it happens. One minute I am over at my friends house watching some Dr. Who, and the next I'm back in my apartment taking off my shoes. Sure I *remember* finishing the episode, bantering a bit and letting the dogs play, picking up Isolde and driving home... but it seems kind of unreal. Like when you're dreaming and you are in once place and suddenly find yourself somewhere else. If you try to think about it your brain plays connect-the-dots and gives you a brief summary of how you got to where you are... but you never really remember *experiencing* those moments. I'm genuinely afraid of this actually... but it seems so silly.

I guess I'm just tired of things falling through on me and I really don't know what to do about it.

Me too. Maybe the therapist was just gearing up for his group sessions? Maybe the sessions will actually be good? Maybe I seemed too calm and together during our solo session? I don't know. We'll see. The group things start next Monday, so I'll go for a session or two and see what it gets me. I'll get solo sessions again if I need to. Probably still will...but hey.

As for the back thing... well at least my insurance covers it. At least they do Tens which at least is a feeling I enjoy. So if nothing else I can just chill out for 15-20 mins while they do that before the decompression. Besides, I have about a 40 min bus ride both ways and it's helping me concentrate on my readings for school. I'm already a week ahead <.<; Silver linings...

No, I'm not seeing a neurologist, why? Do you really think this is a big issue? :s I mean, it's not like I completely forget what happens, it just seems more distant than it is? I guess I'm living more... in the moment? Literally? I don't know. I might just be worried about it for nothing... It seems so silly. Besides I haven't been sleeping very well, so it could just be I'm tired?

Not sure. A few weeks ago I just stopped being able to sleep through the night, which turned into not being able to sleep more than a couple of hours a day which turned into hardly sleeping at all. I got a few good nights under my belt but then my back started giving me this gnawing pain that traveled down my leg and I can *never* sleep when it does that so I was up all night last night again. Hopefully sleep tonight but the pain hasn't subsided much and usually flares up when I'm trying to sleep (and am not distracted by other stuff) so I'm not holding my breath.

When I do sleep though I have terrible terrible nightmares. Usually of being raped or having to run from zombies. When I did get about an hour's sleep this morning when I passed out at 8:00am I dreamed of killing my previous cat Muirgen really brutally and woke up at 8:56 and couldn't get back to sleep since.

It's getting frustrating...

Well I would have used tiring but that seemed a bit too punny. <.<

"Microsleep" issues? Im not sure what that is. Are you teaching me new words again Saew? *will Google term after this post* I know I'm not actually sleeping (if that's what you mean), because I am awake and interacting with people and I remember what happened... I'm fully functional in the moment and no one has ever mentioned me even looking tired or anything.

But I was planning on talking to my doctor more about the sleep disturbances on Wednesday when I see her again. I don't think I've slept a whole night through without waking up at least three or four times in years now but it's never been as bad as it's been in the last year (and except for a spurt last October it's not been as bad as it has been within the last three months). It was mentioned last time, but I don't think she caught the severity or frequency of the disturbances. I'll mention it again.

Urg, which reminds me I need to find time to get that bloodwork she wanted done >.< I haven't been able to find a close place to do it and I've had so many other appointments. This is all very draining D:

Eeee hee hee! I love Discord! Also John <3 I spotted him a mile away! Thanks for sharing this Saew. I shared it with the only person I know who is as big of a brony as you and he laughed himself silly!

On another note: I was too harsh on Mitch awhile back. He wasn't stoned on the job, he was just very tired from being up all night the night before. He's actually not really arrogant, but very sweet and compassionate. He is just a little awkward and comes off strong at first sometimes. But he's a super nice guy. (Yes, an advocate of marijuana, but responsible about it at least, I didn't give him enough credit before).

Unfortunately I've also discovered that the source of my increased pain has been the decompression treatments. (Went from about a 2-4 throughout the day to 6-7 and 8-10 at night). Fortunately, since it was caused by the decompression they're going to help me fix the issue. TENs and the muscle stimulation machine + oxygen and light stretches for the next few weeks to give my back a chance to rest and heal. After that... we're not sure where we are going to go. It depends if it was just inflammation and irritation in my back or... if the treatments caused some more damage. We'll have to wait and see at this point.

I hope it's just temporary inflammation and Raj is right... *fingers crossed*

Soul was successfully sucked out through my arm! Well, a portion of it anyways.

As usual it's not as bad as I feared. Just weird random paranoia *shrugs*