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Aside: Ah, you're welcome, Pandali.

Now, onto A Someone's:

The land of Tarania consists of three nations. The Northernmost Republic of technology is Mondiale.

That second sentence is odd. "Northernmost Republic of technology" sounds like it should be capitalized and made the country's title--if that's not intended and you just want to share the info that they're technological, rephrase. ("The northernmost country, Mondiale, is a [powerhouse of technology].")

In the midst of tall mountains, the city is full of factories [No comma--creating here is like a normal adjective modifying factories] creating many machines for making life easier.

You could drop the word 'many' if you like.

The city is also teeming with knowledge of many sorts, lead by the president, Isaac Grandbourgh.

I'm thinking that your largest overall grammar problem is these awkward/misplaced adjective phrases. How to fix this one: The city is also teeming with knowledge of many sorts and is led [!not lead] by the president, Isaac Grandbourgh.

To the Eastern region of Tarania, surrounded by forests and swamps, is Khageea, the Theocracy of magic.

This is messed up... Tech correct version: To the [east] [or, In the eastern region of Tarania], surrounded by forests and swamps is Khageea, the Theocracy of Magic. (Again, I capitalized magic 'cause it sounded like an official title thing...) Better and also correct version, as that inverted stuff is weird: Khageea, the Theocracy of Magic, lies surrounded by [the] forests and swamps in the eastern region of Tarania. Noted, that does mess up your sort of 'leading from one to the next' phrase (To the eastern region of Tarania) in the beginning of your sentence...

Khageea is a serene forested city, home to evokers, practitioners of the arcane.

Put a comma between the adjectives serene and forested. The 'practictioners of the arcane' phrase might be correct, but it's kind of weird--you could try simply putting it in parentheses, as an aside definition of evokers, or drop 'evokers' altogether and say it's home to practitioners of the arcane. I think I would actually switch around this sentence a little bit and make 'serene, forested city' the little aside clause--"Khageea, a serene, forested city, is home to practitioners of magic."

Content note: You defined them as nations at first, but so far you've only talked about one main city in each as if it were the entire nation. Are there other areas within the nations too, or are these main cities basically their extent?

The people of Khageea are experts at many forms of magic, as they use magic to deepen their devotion to the gods. They are lead by their leader, Tzee Leires VII.

The people of Khageea are experts [in] many forms of magic, as they use [it] to deepen their devotion to the gods. They are [led] by [Tzee Leires VII].

She is believed to be the reincarnation of the greatest of their gods.

If it's accurate, you could add something like: "She, along with all the other past and future rulers of Khageea, is..."

Lastly, is the Kingdom of Eros, lead by their king, Triose.

Okay, I'm going to break down this sentence for you to show you exactly what is wrong with it... First off, you have no subject. Something or another must 'be the Kingdom of Eros'--but you never say what. "Lastly," is a perfectly fine adverb intro phrase, but if you want to make it your subject you need to make it an adjective and drop the intro comma. [Eg, Last is the Kingdom of Eros.] Led, not lead, again. Rather than leaving that adjective phrase hanging by itself on the end and having a weak subject like 'last', I would rearrange this sentence to something like: "The third nation, the Kingdom of Eros, is led by their king Triose."

Eros has the best army force in all of Tarania.

I'd drop the word 'force'.

Surrounded by the Eternal Steppe, Eros is a beautiful flourishing Kingdom with incredibly high population density.

Add a comma between beautiful and flourishing--you need to separate those adjectives. I would probably say with 'an incredibly high population density', but that's more style choice than necessary.

It has amazing development and the best government in the land.

If a country can be a Mary Sue, that's it. There's "amazing development" and the "best government" (especially in the face of tons of people, apparently) with no definition of exactly (or even semi-exactly) what that entails? The first two both had some sort of character to them, at least--this one is very vague. Aside from the fact that it would apparently be very good, I have no idea what living in Eros would really be like.

This was when Tarania was at peace, known as the Era of Tranquility.

You could say 'all of this occured', but that's mostly style choice.

Other note: considering that this is a roleplay, do you want to specify the people/race types from each region? You could do it after the story-ness intro if you don't wish to interrupt the flow and whatnot.

Once at peace, conflict begun to stir between the three nations.

Once at peace is modifying nations--you need to move the two closer together if at all possible. Perhaps a rearrangement: Though the three nations were once at peace, conflict [soon/gradually/whatever] began [have begun or began are the two grammatically correct formations of that verb] to stir between them.

The Era of Tranquility fell into darkness as eventually, they broke out into an all-out War over the various conflicts.

Content: I want to know what conflicts. Perhaps I've been conditioned by this contest and the writings of limyaael to think in more historical detail than necessary for most roleplays--but even so, "over conflicts" is way too vague for my liking. Also, how was this three-way war waged? Any allies, even for only part of the war? After all, they'd make excellent diplomatic sense in that situation.

Grammar: It works if you add another comma. "The Era of Tranquility fell into darkness as, eventually, [the three nations] broke out into an all-out [w]ar over the various conflicts." Grammatically you're talking the lower-case kind of war here.

Many had died and once the war came to an end with no decidable victors, demons were released across Tarania to cause even more death and widespread destruction, depleting the numbers of survivors.

Grammar: Don't change tense on me, now--you need to say "died", not "had died" since you started in regular past. Also, you've got two independent clauses connected here, so you need a comma between the first "and" and "once". The 'depleting the numbers of survivors" is another odd hanging-on phrase--I'd try to incorporate that information in some other way if I were you. And finally--you've used passive tense and have left out the information of "who did it [the letting out the demons]" when, content-wise, I'd consider that very important.

I mean, where did these demons come from? Was someone in Tarania crazy enough to do it, or did someone outside orchastrate it? Was it somehow an effect of the war itself? Explain, please--otherwise the demon thing is very random.

As the numbers dwindled, the nations became less hopeful until three warriors rose from the three nations. The Era of Sorrows was coming to an end.

'Became less hopeful' is odd because it's more the people who become less hopeful than the nation itself. Rephrase: As their numbers dwindled, the Taranian became less [and less] hopeful until three warriors rose from the three nations [to... lead the defense against the demons? it might be good to at a phrase like that here...].

From Mondiale rose the spearman, Peter Ivalis. Peter was a low class knight sent to the western lands to battle the demons.

And exactly where did knights pop up in Mondiale? Your previous description of the country gave no hint that it had anything like knights--technology and a president don't exactly yell medieval...

He was the only survivor of his battle.

Only one battle? If it is, I'd add 'first' in there to get rid of the ambiguity...

However, he got lost in the woodlands in the central region. From Khageea was the healer, Saint Zhaa Jana the Pure hearted.

I might change that 'however' to an 'afterwards'. And perhaps 'of the central region'... Pure hearted should be Pure Hearted or Pure-Hearted.

She was the highest priestess in Khageea's grand temple and attendant of Tzee Leires VII.

The attendent or an attendent? Specify.

She found Peter, wounded in the forest and used her divine magic to heal him to perfect health.

Get rid of the comma before wounded. I would cut the sentence off at 'heal him'--"to perfect health" is almost unnecessary...

They traversed Tarania as a duo for a few weeks.

Doing what? Any grand demon hunting yet?

From the Kingdom of Eros was Dagero, the Paladin.

Eros was too vague for me to judge whether he makes sense as a character from it or not.

His powerful sword had put many monsters to death and brigands to justice.

"The sword brought brigands to justice", not "the sword brigands to justice" or "the sword put brigands to justice" (the second two are what you'd read if you cut out the 'monsters to death' part of the sentence and looked at what was left...). If there wasn't a high/mythical/storytelling mood to this, I'd say 'powerful' was an icky word choice, but it works okay as the roleplay is.

He was sent with a troop of soldiers who had shown great promise in power. After destroying demonic armies, his troop had disbanded.

Great promise in power? Odd phrasing--I'd stick with just 'great promise'. Instead of 'had disbanded', just stick with 'disbanded'. Also, though, why did they disband if they were doing so well destroying all the demons?

Not too long after, he had met with the traveling duo of Peter Ivalis and Zhaa Jana. The teamed up and became a powerful trio, as Dagero acted as a drill sergeant, teaching Peter the way of the spear and Zhaa Jana the way of the bow.

He met up, not he had met up. Grammatically the second sentence is weird; perhaps: The teamed up and became a powerful trio; Dagero acted as a drill sergeant, teaching Peter the way of the spear and Zhaa Jana the way of the bow.

When you say 'bow' I'm assuming crossbow or something--I remember reading specifically that longbows take years to learn properly... But anyway.

The three went to face the Demon Lord.

Ohh, now we meet who the 'who' was! The idea of a Demon Lord (a sort of magic central thing) and knights and priestesses and paladins all speak of a magic centric world--but only one country was described as really into the whole magic thing. What's up with that...? I would give some serious consideration to how to make the different parts of your world 'mesh' together at least a little bit better.

With Peter's strength, Zhaa Jana's virtue, and Dagero's valor, they overcame the Demon Lord and banished him to Hell. This is known as the Era of Salvation.

Again, the storytelling tone forgives words I would otherwise be going 'ehh' at.

One hundred years later, Mondiale has the President Zachary Sander, Khageea's lead by Tzee Leires VIII, as Eros is lead by King Tabotias.

Passive voice--I'd switch everything around. "One hundred years later, President Zachary Sander leads Mondiale, Tzee Leires VIII rules Khageea and King Tabotias [insert other syn for 'rule/lead'] Eros.

The Demons are beginning to develope conquest over Tarania once again.

*Blank look*. What...? How do you develop [no e] conquest? Maybe you mean plan it?

As it turns out the Demons have a new leader, who is using magic as an attempt to revive the Demon's Lord.

Fixed: As it turns out [comma] the Demons have a new leader [no comma] who is using magic in an attempt to revive the Demon's Lord. And so, the demons are rising in power... As their leader is rising from the grave. This was the start of the Era of Risen Hell...

"Era of Risen Hell" is almost overly dramatic even for storytelling, at least to me. Grammar--everything else in that section was present tense--'was the start' needs to join in too with a little 'is'.

*Breathe*. Well, hopefully that was worth the wait.

Hey, I get to say a few words about Merlinic's application. Yey! ^^ Not like there's much to say... after all, most things in this thread have to live up to your standards, and as you're you... well... yeah. XD



I was wondering when someone was actually going to have someone be 14, as that is what a HS freshamn would be, which is what the lowest class schedule shown is. Just thought that was neat.




Take that, psychics! So, how does her mood/attention affect her level of perception? I assume when she's distracted that she doesn't have as good as perception, but what about moods? Happy ones, sad ones, or something in between? (I'm sure you have that figured out. I'm just nosy and curious).



Ah... I can just picture her. Which is good, 'cause I'll probably be drawing her at some point of time. Maybe. If I find the time... >.> Anyway. I like it. (You know how hard it is to find pants that fit properly on wide hips? @_@ )



If her father was a pilot, would he be home much? One would think he'd be out a lot, having to fly planes all over the country and be gone for weeks at a time. Or is he not a commercial pilot? Either way, I would think he would spend considerable time away from home. If their mom was hardly there, who would watch the kiddies? Just a thought...

Otherwise, everything looks a-ok. As for your comments about the changing personality, I find that the personality I set at the start often morphs into something else, usually similar, but not as I described it. (Actually, the characters probably start acting more like me. sweatdrop Oh what a slippery slope...) So... like you said, they change once you roleplay as them. Which is all good and well, as long as the background is kept in mind, eh?

And thus concludes a late night review that I did while I really should have been sleeping. sweatdrop

Okay, two things really/fairly fast here--everyone, I'm sorry I'm being delinquent with getting back to your requests for editing, but school is working me to the bone right now. In the meantime krome or some other people may be able to pick up some of the slack--otherwise I'll start answering you all a little less than two weeks from today.

Second, I'm going to jump in with some replies to Panpear here:



Yeah, she just didn't feel fifteen/sixteen to me... One of my roleplay buddies that's going to be joining Galvan is going to play a fourteen-year-old too, so I probably won't be alone for long ^^



She percieves lying kind of in the same way that Random Person A can percieve that Random Person B is, say, nervous, or excited, or happy--there's no particular signal, but yet it's undoubtedly there if you spend a moment to look for it. So, you're right about distraction being a large factor--if she's paying little to no attention to the person next to her, she'll easily miss it if they lie (in the same what that you can't tell if someone nearby's happy if you aren't paying any attention to him/her). It's the "introverted" moods that involve her paying more attention to herself than her surroundings that will similarily decrease her perception--for example, if she's worrying about something internally she's less likely to be paying sufficient attention to her surroundings to notice any lies.





I picked pilot fairly randomly--I was basically searching for a job with some interest to it that implied steady middle-class money. I do have an aunt who works as a stewardess, and I know that she rarely if ever stays in other cities overnight--I'm not sure if it'd be different for a pilot. It's probably reasonable to expect that he would use a daycare or preschool if he worked regular hours, or a relative if that was possible... *Ponders relative option*. Grandparents might work--I know that's what my mom did when I was young and she was single. I already need to add one little tweak of explanation to her history, so I'll just fiddle with those details too--I probably won't be able to seriously play/work on her till that same 'little less than two weeks from today' date, though, so it might be awhile before you see the final-ish version here ><.


A slippery slope indeed ^^. Usually my characters' personalities play with some however-small facet of my personality from the start, so that helps a little... Anyway. It's time for Merlinic to write a French essay, study for a history test, and catch up on her Calc homework. If she has enough time, she also technically needs to study for an English test, prepare a French oral and write her physics lab. Pity her ><.

Edit: Jennafuge: I see that you've already set up the roleplay you posted; do you still want editing on it when it's probably going to be difficult to use most of the content suggestions now?

A mansion lies nesteled in the middle of a normal suburban neighborhood but it sticks out a lot. The neighbors seem nice and friendly, but who knows what they really think of the people and the dark mansion. And, the family that lives there is pretty big, they also have a couple of family friends that live close by.

House Appearance:
Inside-Very exotic with rich colors and a lot of sheer hangings and dark curtains mixed with a vampire, draculas castle look.
Outside-A Huge mansion that is made out of stone bricks with large, mahogany wooden doors...like those old-fashioned castles. High, stained glass windows shaped like fancy crosses. Two huge trees right in the front, and dark rose bushes leading up the walkway to the front door. There is also a huge iron gate and fence bordering the property with various vinelike plants growing and tangling with it.

RULES:
1-Follow Gaia TOS
2-Try to be active. We undstand if you can't make it but don't just post and never come back.
3-Be semi-literate. Use "" for talking and (()) for OOC
4-You must PM me your profile or you will not be added. Old members do not have to worry about this.
5-Put DRAGON in you profile somewhere if you've read the rules.
6-Also Just Pm one of us...Dragonlily14 or SilverImmortalKat if you have questions.

PM me your profile:
Username:
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((We edited it a bunch when people became inactive...although we still didn't have much luck. It lasted a bit over 30pgs mostly us back and forth..then she lost her internet))

Updated the front page to reflect our current involuntary semi-hiatus from dealing out criticism--I promise we'll get to everyone as soon as school allows us whee . Trust me, I'd rather be inspecting your posts than dealing with tests and quizzes and finals...

Thank you for your critique! Thanks for the "led", "lead" thing. I'm no good wih homophones. I mix up, "there" and "their", and "to" "too" all the time. The adjecties are a common mix up I often bring up in writing. The unneccesary was for titles, just so you can be sure. I felt as though just "magic" sounded pretty plain. I decided to use a slightly less used term, sorry if it sounded a little funny.

As for "nations" and "cities" Tarania isn't a very large country. And yeah, with the "greatest gods (goddesses may be more accurate now that I look at it)" yeah, I guess the eseventh can tip you off on that part. The point of Eros was to be like Sparta in ancient Greece, just an F-Y-I. I figured Khageea might be the most "Mary Sue" due to that it's the pretty, forest, magical one. It was sort of my favorite.

The races aren't neccesarily an issue to me. Everyone's human, no fancy elves, half-elves, half-demons or whatever the roleplayers may want to throw at me. As for skin color and all races, I suppose that's up to the RP'er. It was basically just an all-out war. No allies or anything. I didn't provide much reason for the demons, but they took after the war as time to attack because that was when they were all weakened by the mega-war-of-failed-explanation.

I suppose all of Tarania's pretty medieval itself. Mondiale would just have a few wonders of today, such as very low-tech machines, nothing like huge army tanks or the whatnot. And yes, it was his first battle. My exposition fails at life. Truth is, with the two "attendants" I don't quite know the difference. D= I mean as in her personal assistant/servant. Another one of my exposition errors, yeah, they played "Demon Hunt" for a little while. I never thought much on a reason for disbanding. Uh-oh. Plot-hole. My bad. And i did mean long bow, I don't know much on training to use one, so I didn't know that. I learned something new today. ;D The homophone disorder strikes again with "develop". And I mean as in they've already started. I guess "develop" was a bad, bad word. D=

As for histriony in historian stories, (Hah, alliteration =D), The Era of Risen Hell's the name of the RP. My mind was sort of blank there, I decided it was a bit more eye-catching than my other ideas.

Once again, thank you for the critique and for being honest, and I do understand if this post had many grammatical errors by typo or, "Durr... I didn't know that"s and the whatnot. Better late than never in your reply! XD

Hey..-is a noob of guild- I is new here. -nods- So , I knew you (two??) are busy but if you have time (that being i don't mind being last xD) Check him out for me. Thanks

Name: Gark
Age: 17
Appearnce: A hulking mass of a beast with an over sized back giving him a hunched appearnce. He arms are long and hang at his side and drage on the ground when he walks. On the run his can use his arms to move faster. His face seems to be swallen on one side as one eye is bigger then the otheres causing distorting it. Large teeth stuck up from his lower lip to about the end of his noise which is smashed into his face. His skin is a yellow color and seems to be all most made of tree bark and is highly flamable. His legs are small and short for his size. His fraim is rippled with muscles even as a large pot belly hangs from his stomach.
Abliities:Can regenerate from all most any wound except fire which he is high afaird of.
Weapons: He likes to smash
Bio: Gark comes from a tribe of high respected wood trolls. His whole speices is very vain and digified, till the day Gark was born. On that day everyone of the tribe freaked thinking it was a cruse on them and they all went into a deeply reliougious period. They all now worship the goddes of beuty even as they sent Gark out in the world at a eary age.
Personality: He is a gently soul in a deformed body. He likes to feed birds a look a flowers. He hurts nothing and no one unless provuched or freighten.