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Well I've seen this thread here for ages and well, didn't really want to post.

A couple years ago I had a fiancee, an English backpacker who was seven years older than me. He was also an alcoholic and is one of the main reasons I became one too. I'm not sure exactly what happened, I think my mind has partly erased it plus the lines are so blurred. One night anyway we had been out at a bar and I had bumped into an old girlfriend, and I was a bit drunk but still knew what I was doing, ended up kissing her. I told him when we got home and he made me do something, or I did something out of guilt, or I just don't know. Anyway the next day he told me he wanted to hurt me as much as I'd hurt him. So I guess I accepted it as my fault and just pushed it from my mind .. and we were together for maybe another year. We broke up two years ago and since then I haven't been in a relationship with anyone. Any time I feel like I'm getting close to a guy I just shut down.

I've only told two people about this, one was my alcohol counsellor and she helped me get over it. The other person I told was my best friend, as she was absolutely no help at all. I've been there for her, even talked her out of suiciding .. but I guess she has no concept of the feelings of others.

I guess why I'm posting this now is that I am just really angry. Last week, a girl I was friends with was murdered by a man in her room at a boarding house. I feel so angry and was scared but they caught him. But I guess I am still scared, and its not fair, that there should be people walking this planet, scared that they may be attacked at any moment. Two years ago, a girl I was friends with in high school was murdered by her boyfriend. More than half of my girlfriends have been sexually assaulted.

I'm so untrusting of men, but I do have a few positive male role models in my life, foremost my father. I just can't bring myself to get close to any of the ones I meet in my life.

I still don't really know what to think of my own experience, if it was or wasn't or whatever. I don't want to hate men, there really are some good ones out there. I guess now, I'm just a bit intimidated by them, scared, sometimes loathing.

But I draw strength (as usual XD) from my fellow guildies. You all amaze me and are strong and supportive and positive. There really is so much in life to admire and be thankful for, and aspire to.

Thanks for reading.

*huggles Raj*

There are no words of comfort I can give you that I'm sure hasn't been said at some point to you before. Whatever did or didn't happen back then w/ your ex.. you are and always will be a stronger person for it. I know that may sound kind of crude.. but I really truly believe everything happens for a reason. . . no matter how shitty it is..

I was mad at the world for years when I started having flashbacks of my rape and it wasn't until I talked to my youth group teachers wife that I really started to accept, heal and move on.. She told me how she had been assaulted by her uncle when she was younger.. she had only ever told this to her husband mind you.. and well .. she knew when I came to talk to her.. that THAT was why it had happened to her.. so she would be able to be there for me. And immediately I knew that no matter how much what had been done to me in my childhood.. from the abusive alcoholic father to the guy who raped and molested me for months.. that I was stronger.. and because of those experiences I would be able to help other women and children make it threw those same horrible situations.

Now I can't say what the reason for you is.. (wish I could but it's something I think you have to find for yourself for it to truly make sense..) but it could be anything from just getting you away from that guy (even if it didn't happen for a while) and then allowing you to see why you would want or need to make changes in your life. Unfortunately being an alcoholic adds a lot of not pleasant risk factors to your safety... Or it could be that because of that you are a lot more cautious and perhaps that is keeping you out of something that could have ended tragically.. or maybe it will just make you appreciate the great guy who you deserve even more when he does appear..

As for the crummy friend.. My honest gut reaction suggests one of two things..

either she didn't believe you or didn't think it was that big of a deal that you did something with/for/to your b.f. to make up for a drunken mistake you'd made..

OR..

She had been through something in her past and her way to deal with it was just to ignore it and move on. Hence her not wanting to deal with your issue.. it would cause her to deal with hers..

I see all different types of reactions to trauma on a daily basis.. we all have different defense mechanisms built in... but they are all there to help us get through it. . . and come out stronger.

You are stronger Raj. And you are doing great.. don't give up.. *hugs*

I have lived with my father and mother to this day barring my mother's incarceration – which my father intends to end tomorrow.

As for others who have tormented and abused me. Most have gotten off scott free and went on to live suitably undeserved lives of quality.

However, one of the boys who raped me recently contacted me through facebook... It was back when I had issues there and almost ran as I felt violated. I stood up to him, told him what I felt and what I had to say, and then reported him to facebook where he was summarily banned. I was not able to get much solace or closure from it. It merely reminded me of how helpless I still am and hurt me deeply as the wounds were reopened. I cannot forgive them and I cannot forgive myself, I can't repress it or block it out anymore, all I can do is let it scar over and try to find enough good in the world to overshadow it.

I do not know what to say about your father. You have changed and he has changed – we all change over time. The question is, have the right parts changed?

I don't know. I don't know if it is some skewed example of idiocy mixed with misplaced love or what. Yet he does still say he wants to be rid of her – that he wants to put her in her own place and get away. Though I am pretty sure that is not allowed as per the rules/limitations of her release. I just don't know. I am confused and bewildered. I have been crying all morning and in a drastically fluctuating state since he left to go get her. My little sister keeps assuring me that I can just press charges, but dad is pleading with me not to and promises he will fix things – I know he won't though. Growing up in this family, in this world, has proven to me that a promise is merely a post-dated lie or betrayal. If I give him the time he wants to fulfill promises of course, it will extend beyond the time limit to press charges. So I don't know what to do.

I think that would be either a bad idea or illegal. Plus, it would leave a mess in either case.

Astral I have had to deal with my ex, several times. We had our (hopefully) final major encounter the other day. I wrote about it here on an earlier page. Your situation and Exxos's are different of course because you two can't just say go the hell away and stay away. What I recommend with your dad is to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he has changed. If not, if he gives you ANY reason to doubt him call him on it. If he still refuses to change minimize your contact with him as much as possible even if it means staying in your room or out of the house the entire trip. I personally liked Exxos's solution. Exxos my dear if that b***h even lays one more finger on you call the cops again! I'd come down there and beat the crap out of her for you if I could right now. (Pardon my language, she just makes me want to scream. I'm sure you understand.)

The most important thing to remember is that you are an important, loved, wonderful, beautiful, and worthwhile human being! Nothing anyone does to you can change that. It took me a long time to realize that and start the healing process.

I still see my ex on occasion and he still tries to talk to me but I simply act as if he isn't even there. The other day we were at Wal-Mart and he came up and tried to say hello. He must have already been in a bad mood because when I continued to ignore him he raised his hand to hit me. I gave him a look of death, turned my back on him, and as quickly as possible walked away. I was sorely tempted to say "You have no power over me!" because now he doesn't. I still have nightmares and flash backs but even they are fading with time. I can't even remember his middle name or birthday. Its like the more I forget about him the more powerful I feel. Plus I have Jason (my husband) and all of you here in the guild to be there for me during the really tough moments.

A good support system is important. I appriciate everyone here so much. I wish I could show you all how much you mean to me. Now I'm getting mushy, lol. Oh and Exxos, humor in this thread is appreciated and welcomed because there are times when if we don't laugh we will cry. I prefer my own laugher over tears any day.

If you are afraid of him losing it that much, there is enough grounds to not go. I got the impression that he was essentially beyond that stage, so if he is not 100% beyond it, I would not want you going into a potentially dangerous position.

Apology > demands met > long-term discussion > then reconciliation. Without the apology, without his acknowledging his crimes, he cannot fully start to make amends. You might go up there and it might be fine. But without that initial apology, you have a flimsy substrate to build upon - that is if there is a foundation at all.

Okay... He's a p***k and you are rushing into it without him making and/or meeting the necessary prerequisites to better this. From the sounds of it, he is not acknowledging, he is being apathetic to his crimes and trying to just move past them at best.