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RPG Maker VX. I bought it earlier this week and have yet to get the activation code to actually use it.

Non.

I go to theaters to watch movies, not listen to shitty iPhone apps.

I wake up. I go to work. I listen to NPR 90.9 FM while working, occasionally switching to other talk radio and 98.5 Rock, cursing as I usually do when I keep hearing generic right-wing talk and watered-down rock from said stations whilst dealing with California drivers who never seem to let you into the lane you want, effectively blocking you from passing the slow a*****e in front of you so you can carry on with your job and move on with your ******** life. I deserve a little break from that every once in a while. Going to the theaters used to be just that. You get away from all the schmucks whose mere presence debases all the joy and happiness in life and you sit down and enjoy a nice hour or two hour of a motion picture. If only life were just that good again.

There are lots of things that can tarnish my movie experience and most of them happen before the movie even begins. Like those quizzes they always display on the screen like “Which actor said this line: [insert movie line no one gives a s**t about here]?” There’s always a good chance someone will spout out the answer with an obnoxious cadence, like he thinks he’s God of Scene It. Congrats, a**-head, no one cares. There’s also all the Coke ads. Just once I’d like to walk into a theater and not be bombarded with Coca-Cola’s bullshit.

But here’s one of the biggest things that can kill my movie experience before it even starts: People. Children are bad enough, but teenagers with iPhones? Just perfect. I was seeing Transformers 3 with my sister, because I was having a terrible day and I wanted something to forget about it (plus I heard it was better than the first two movies by a few sources). So I just barely managed to tolerate all the advertisements and Regal First Look when these three teen girls show up and I could tell right away they were preps because they had the fashionable purses, designer clothing, iPhones, and a whole lot of bitchy attitude. I decided to move one row down because I didn’t want to risk getting any of that funk on me. Of course, when we move one row down, one of the girls kicks her feet up and places them on top of the chair where my sister was sitting, preventing my sis from pulling down an arm rest. Then the ad to silence your cell phones starts. Finally, the picture is starting, I can forget about these parasites while I watch. Bad luck. The projector malfunctions and a busboy comes in and tells us it’ll be 15 minutes before the picture. Oh, perfect.

Then the bitches get out their iPhones and one of them starts strumming on this guitar app randomly, with the volume cranked all the way up, like she spouting to the world “look at me, I’m a musician.” In fact, she even said it and all her friends were like “we should totally start a band.” No, you shouldn’t. You’re not musicians. You’re strumming on an iPhone in a pattern akin to aural holocaust. Come back when you can play the real thing. Imagine a garage band guitarist. Now, imagine that garage band guitarist without any skill, talent, and regard for timekeeping and you’ve pretty much imagined the sound that was coming from this girl’s iPhone. My sister even asked her politely to cut it out, but she ignored her and went right back onto her iPhone foreplay. I suppose we could’ve just went down a few rows, but since there were nothing but children and teenagers around and my blood pressure was reaching critical levels, we decided to just walk out of the theater and demand our money back. Sure enough, they were understanding (and agreeing with our frustration) and they decided to let us into a 3D viewing instead. The 3D viewing had more tolerable people around, although there was one guy who used “OMG” in real life in reaction to the Harry Potter trailer and I really wanted to land a flying elbow to his face, but hey, at least he wasn’t strumming on an iPhone guitar, so he deserved a pass.

Let me just say that I don’t see the point in phone apps. I imagine some of them might be useful, but guitar strumming apps don’t strike me as particularly necessary. The next phone I’m getting will be one with actual buttons and no touch-screen. It’ll be a phone. Not a personal computer. A camera on a phone can be useful. A music player might be a bit much, but that’s tolerable. But a guitar app? DrinkBuddy? GottaGo? GPS? Web Browser? Texting? When did this s**t become necessary? Can we please start selling cell phones again that don’t come with superfluous crap? What’s next? An app that can tell you how much of a dipshit you are? Come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea.

By the way, I hate the iPhone.